Howlers
One particular type of mail is a Howler. A Howler looks like it could be a letter in a red envelope, but when you open the envelope you get Howled at by the sender. Ignoring it only makes the screaming worse. When all the screaming is over, the envelope erupts in flames and burns. Howlers are sent mostly by parents to rebuke their children.
The Wizarding Wireless Network (WWN)
Nothing like the World Wide Web (WWW), the WWN is basically a wizarding radio station, playing mostly music. A wireless in the wizarding world is not a cell phone, Palm, or Blackberry, but a radio, as in the term used to denote radios in the early 1900s. “Wireless” was short for wireless telegraphy—the beauty of radio was that, unlike the telegraph, it was completely wireless, operating on radio frequency instead of using wires that crisscrossed the nation, as the telegraph did.
Wizard musicians aren’t any different from nonwizard musicians, except that the lyrics of songs relate to issues wizards can understand (“A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love” or “You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me”). Celestina Warbeck (from celestial, meaning “heavenly,” and warbler, a bird known for its sweet songs) is one such wizard singer.
Perhaps the most famous wizard group is The Weird Sisters, a rock ’n’ roll band that sport long hair and torn black robes and might be loosely named after Twisted Sister, a heavy metal band popular in the 1980s. Just as likely is that they are a reference to the three witches in Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Although The Weird Sisters’ instruments include the usual drums and guitars, band members also play the lute, the cello, and the bagpipes, which are all traditional Celtic instruments.
Photos and Artwork
That the subjects in photographs and paintings change in the wizard world—that is, that they are not static—may not come as a huge surprise. After all, many horror stories are predicated on the notion that the “eyes” of paintings are watching you and following your every move. Egyptians painted images in tombs in the hopes that the images would come alive and assist and guide the soul of the deceased. F. Scott Fitzgerald used the eyes of Doctor T.J. Eckleburg in The Great Gatsby, up on a huge billboard, as a metaphor for God watching us. And perhaps the best-known changing picture is the one in Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray. The picture ages and displays the scars of a man who has lived a cruel life, while the subject of the painting, Dorian Gray himself, never ages a day.
But wizard paintings don’t just change subtly; they move about, sleep, talk, and even leave their paintings to visit other ones! They can, in fact, be most annoying. The characters in paintings are much like their original subjects—they have the same opinions, tendencies, and characteristics as they did while alive. The Fat Lady, the subject of a painting that guards the entrance to one of the Hogwarts houses, regularly gossips, takes naps while on duty, and is terrified when her painting is slashed. Photos, on the other hand, are like silent movies that replay every few seconds; photo subjects also tend not to talk or leave their frames, but they do wave and smile.
And in what is, perhaps, literature’s best imitation of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one Sir Cadogan, formerly of a hanging picture, leaves his painting to go on a quest, yelling insults like “Stand and fight, you yellow-bellied mongrels!” A real Sir Alexander Cadogan was Great Britain’s representative to the United Nations just after World War II.
We see plenty of the opposite in literature and culture; that is, people stepping into paintings. C.S. Lewis’s The Voyage of the Dawn Treader begins with the children falling into a painting. And much more recently, in the movie What Dreams May Come, Robin Williams goes into one of his wife’s oil paintings.
Eating and Drinking
British wizards eat and party like any Brit without wizard abilities, with some exceptions:• Butterbeer is an entirely wizardly invention, and like any good magical concoction, it has powers beyond simply tasting good— it’s a nonalcoholic (except to house elves) soft drink that makes the drinker feel all warm and toasty inside. It’s butterscotchy, with a nice froth on top like root beer. So, it’s a butterscotch root beer (hence, “butterbeer”). The bottle caps can be strung together in a necklace, but none of the cool kids would do that.
• Pumpkin juice would be easy enough to make in the Muggle world, but only wizards have a taste for it. If you strained pumpkins, the juice would be incredibly thick, but watered down and with some added sugar, the juice would make a tasty—and healthy—beverage. The juice is usually served cold in a flagon, which is a container that has a handle, spout, and, sometimes, a lid. Pumpkins are prominent in the wizarding world, but that’s not surprising, given the prominence of pumpkins in Halloween celebrations.
MAGIC TALE
Do the British celebrate Halloween? Yeah—they invented it! Held every October 31, the tradition started as Samhain (pronounced SOW-an) Eve, the traditional end of summer for the Celts. It was believed that the dead, joined by other supernatural beings, came back to mess with the minds of the living for one night. The Catholic Church renamed the holiday All Saints’ Eve (the night before All Saints’ Day), or All Hallows’ Eve, which is how the current name, Halloween, originated. Sometimes called Mischief Night (a night of pranks and other mischief for which children weren’t punished), today’s British celebration looks just like the American version, including door-to-door trick-or-treating.
• Dandelion juice doesn’t sound nearly as appetizing as pumpkin juice, but the idea is the same: strain the juice from dandelion stems or flowers, add a bit of sugar, and create a tasty beverage. Dandelion, which means “lion’s tooth,” goes by many other names, including wild endive, swine snout, and cankerwort. Dandelion has traditionally been used to treat digestive complaints.
• Firewhiskey is, presumably, a whiskey with an extra kick. Although school children don’t usually partake, Chocolate Cauldrons, a popular treat, are chocolate confections with a touch of firewhiskey inside them. Whiskey was, of course, invented in the British Isles.
MAGIC TALE
Perhaps it’s too much of a stretch, but Ogdens Old Firewhiskey may have been named for Ogden, Utah. When most people think of Utah, they think of Mormons and temperance, not of whiskey. But Ogden, one of the only non-Mormon cities in Utah, was once a classic Old West town, with saloons, brothels, dance halls, and opium dens along the length of its famous 25th Street.
• Cauldron Cakes are pancakes, presumably cooked, somehow, in a cauldron.
• Ginger Newts are cookies, probably a cross between a ginger snap and a Fig Newton.
Simple Meals
Most wizard meals are the same as any Brit would eat on a given day; although Muggles wouldn’t have their food appear out of thin air (as it does at any feast), nor would it be made by house elves (as it is at Hogwarts). But in general, if you know British food, you know wizard food. Problem is, our friends on the other side of the pond have an entire language for food that’s almost indecipherable to Americans. Here’s a sampling of the British food and drink routinely eaten by Hogwarts’ students:
KING’S ENGLISH
Students at Hogwarts often queue for dinner, which simply means that they get in line. Ask any American over 50 what "queue” means, and they’ll know; an entire generation of Americans learned the word "queue” from the rock band The Who in the 1970s: "Every morning I get in the queue, to get on the bus that takes me to you.” If they had said "get in the line,” it would have been a tougher rhyme—and it wouldn’t have sounded nearly as hip and British.
• Biscuit: A cookie, usually bought and served in a tin (a round metal box with a lid). Biscuit can also mean a cracker, a bit like an American saltine, but denser and often served with cheese. Either way, British biscuits are nothing like American biscuits, which are flaky, unsweetened pastries often covered in gravy.
• Chipolatas: Small pork sausages usually served at breakfast; what Americans might call “breakfast sausage” or even “cocktail sausage. ” Not to be confused with bangers, which are la
rge sausages served as part of an afternoon or evening meal, usually with mashed potatoes (in a dish called bangers and mash).
• Crumpet: Unsweetened cake that’s cooked like a pancake, but taller and not as large in diameter as pancakes are. In truth, a crumpet tastes a bit like a moist American English muffin.
• Cuppa: Cup of tea; British tea tastes very much like heated-up iced tea—very lemony and not very strong. Brits add cream and/or lemon to a cup of tea. And tea mugs tend to be small and proper, not the giant versions served at some American coffee houses. Don’t confuse cuppa with the word tea, a term that is generally used to mean a small meal.
• Kippers: Salt-cured (often smoked) dried fish; usually made from herring, which is a thick, oily fish with a mild, sweet flavor. Tastes somewhat like smoked salmon, but oilier.
• Mead: A sweet wine made from honey and sometimes aged in oak barrels. Elderflower wine, another type of wine, is just as obscure, but it does exist in both England and the United States.
• Mince: Another word for ground beef or other meat chopped up into tiny bits. See also mince pie in the following section.
• Pasty (PAST-ee): Think of a pasty as a Hot Pocket meeting a pot pie; that is, a flaky crust that fully surrounds a rather dry filling of beef or chicken, potatoes, onions, and other ingredients. You either love ’em or hate ’em, and if you hate ’em, it’s because they’re too dry and plain. At Hogwarts, they serve a sweet pumpkin variety unheard of in the Muggle world.
TOURIST TIP
If you’re traveling to London and want to eat cheaply, load up on pasties. You won’t find Pumpkin Pasties, but the beef, chicken, and other main-dish varieties are huge, super-filling, and only about $4 each. Dessert varieties are smaller and cheaper. Eating pasties every day wouldn’t be the healthiest choice you could make, but in a city as expensive as London, it’s a filling and inexpensive food choice. The British-based West Cornwall Pasty Company has kiosks located throughout Underground and train stations in London and sells over six million pasties each year.
• Porridge: Crushed oats or oatmeal (and, occasionally, other grains) boiled in water and/or milk and usually served with sugar and cream. When made with oats, porridge is said to look and taste exactly like American oatmeal, although many Americans would beg to differ.
• Tripe: Stomach of a cow or ox; not everyone has the courage to try this one, but Hogwarts’ students seem to think it’s a treat. The term is synonymous with codswollop, although no one uses that term to mean the food; codswollop, which is used extensively among Hogwarts’ students and staff, means “hogwash”; you can probably think of other, less-printable synonyms.
• Yorkshire pudding: A hearty dish that’s like an American popover— a small, puffy muffin filled with sausage, roast beef, beans, and just about anything else. May be served with horseradish sauce and/or gravy.
Snacks and Sweets
Like any meal anywhere in the world, it’s not complete until dessert is served. And the British are no different; in fact, the Brits are wild about their desserts and tend to ladle creams and custards on almost all of them.
Keep in mind, however, that England does not have a reputation for its food. At least, it doesn’t have a good reputation for its food. If you want great food, you go to New York or Paris or even Tokyo—you don’t go to London. That said, they do have interesting—and possibly even enticing—desserts and other treats. The ones that follow are routinely served in the wizarding world:• Chocolate gateau: Gateau is “cake” in French, but in England, it’s more than cake … it’s a super-rich cake. Hence chocolate gateau is a rich chocolate cake, served in slices with fresh cream. Marie Antoinette is reported to have said “Qu’ils mangent du gateau,” which translates literally to “Let them eat cake,” but she meant “Let them eat rich, dense, creamy cake.” It’s a subtle difference (regular old cake versus a buttery, rich cake) but one important to cake connoisseurs.
• Christmas pudding: A plum cake or plum pudding served with a rich sauce. Often, there’s a coin baked in it for luck. You either love this or you hate it, and most American kids hate it, because plum pudding isn’t super-sweet.
• Meringue: Meringue is simply egg whites and sugar, but the dessert called “meringue” usually begins with a meringue crust (like a pie crust but made of meringue) that’s topped with fruit or other sweet fillings. Meringue cookies are becoming popular in the United States because they are fat-free, yet very sweet, treats.
• Mince: A pie made of mincemeat filling—apples, raisins, suet (beef fat), and sometimes (although not usually these days) chopped meat. It’s actually quite spicy and delicious and may be served cold with custard or clotted cream (in other words, any sweet, thick dairy product) or heated up and served with brandy butter.
• Peppermint humbugs: Hard candy flavored with peppermint oil. Like a candy cane in the United States, but striped black and white instead of red and white.
• Pudding: Pudding simply means “dessert.” Don’t think of American pudding, which is more like custard in England.
• Spotted dick: No, really. I’m not making this up. This confection sounds terrible, but it’s not bad. You start with suet, which is beef fat, rub that into flour and make it into a pudding, and then add dried fruit (usually currants, which is where the “spots” come from). Like most British desserts, it’s served with custard.
• Toast and marmalade: Toast and jam, except that marmalade is usually made with oranges. The Beatles made marmalade famous when they sang about “marmalade skies.”
• Tart: Like an individual pie; a crust is topped with fresh fruit, jam, cream, and/or custard, but if you top it with treacle (which is like maple syrup), it’s treacle tart.
• Treacle: Treacle is a syrupy topping, with a consistency something like corn syrup but usually made with molasses. Treacle fudge, then, is fudge made with treacle. Treacle pudding is a steamed pudding made with the syrupy topping. Treacle tart is a tart with treacle drizzled on it.
MAGIC TALE
In C.S. Lewis’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the White Queen entices Edmund to betray his siblings with Turkish Delight (a British dessert that is never eaten in the wizarding world). In the story, Edmund goes through an entire box of Turkish Delight in no time flat. But if you try this confection, you may wonder why in the world Edmund would betray his siblings for that particular dessert. To understand what Turkish Delight is like, start with a sort of dense, chewy, not-so-sweet marshmallow, sort of like taffy. Now, top that with sprinkles, like the ones you might put on a cake: orange, chocolate, lemon, or a dozen other flavors. That’s Turkish Delight. For my money, you’d need a lot more than that to turn your back on your brother and sisters.
• Trifle: A many-layered confection that begins with sponge cake (sometimes soaked in rum or other liqueur), then fruit, then cream, and so on. If you really want to be decadent, you forego the fruit layers. Rather like our strawberry shortcake, but the cake is much spongier and mushier.
Going Out: Grand Feasts and Balls
Wizards are big on feasts, and to a lesser extent, on balls (that is, dances), too. Welcoming feasts are common at British boarding schools, but they’re not referred to as “feasts,” nor are they major celebrations. Instead, at British boarding schools, they serve you dinner the first night, and that qualifies as the “welcoming feast.”
But in the wizarding world, every opportunity for a celebration turns into a feast: the welcome at the beginning of the year; the celebration at the end of the year; and just about every holiday in between. You’ve got to imagine that it costs a lot of Galleons to keep Hogwarts flush with all those feasts!
Hogwarts opens each school year with a Welcoming Feast, where new students are sorted into their houses, and a Leaving Feast, where the Inter-House Championship is awarded to one of the four houses. See Chapter 8 for more on Hogwarts’ houses. Whenever possible, the Great Hall is decorated splendidly, but in decidedly magical ways—in fact, the ceilin
g of the Great Hall can be charmed to reflect the outdoor sky, or any other color scheme, for that matter. Although the castle is old and dark, the staff always find ways to make the students feel at home.
During the winter holidays, to the delight of the headmaster, feasts usually include wizard crackers. A regular cracker is a British holiday tradition: a combination toy and gift, when you pull the cracker apart (it’s roughly the size of a paper towel tube, or even a little smaller), it makes a loud “bang!” and then out spill small treats or even small, inexpensive gifts. (It is not uncommon, however, for British men proposing to their girlfriends near the holidays to put an engagement ring in a cracker.) Crackers are sort of the same idea as a piñata, but much smaller and with the added fun of noise.
Wizard crackers, on the other hand, don’t make a charming “bang!” but go off like a cannon blast that ends with an explosion of blue smoke, filled with small treats or gifts. Those unaware of the difference between British and wizard crackers have been quite thoroughly frightened.
Wizard balls are celebrations of the senses. Bands perform, wizards put on their best dress robes (see Chapter 3), and everyone dances. As with American proms and balls, food isn’t the focus; although food is served, no one thinks less of a ball if the meal isn’t the tastiest they’ve ever had. But hire the wrong band, and the entire ball is ruined.
Balls have a long tradition in Europe, one that has continued in American culture. Dances, proms, cotillions, and balls are a requirement of teenage and young adult life, and nothing gets a young girl more in a ball frame of mind than the Cinderella fairy tale. It’s an age-old sentiment: dress up any girl in the right clothes and shoes, with care given to her hair and makeup, and give her a well-furbished vehicle in which to ride, and she’ll be transformed—so much so that she’ll win herself a prince.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to the World of Harry Potter Page 8