And…forget about that. This thing with Ezra feels nice and calms me, but is it going to work for me? Will I be able to go further with someone who makes my body hum with life?
I want to answer yes, but can I?
“Here you go, baby. One coffee, only cream,” Ezra says, sitting down across from me.
“Thank you.” I take the cup and sip on the hot beverage, loving the delicious flavor after enduring crappy coffee all night at the hospital. I love coffee, but vending machine liquid is gross. It may keep me awake, but the taste is less than desirable. I set the cup down and look up at Ezra smiling at me, his elbow resting on the table casually. “So, what are your plans today?”
“Nothing until I go into work tonight.” He takes a sip from his cup, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob. “How about you?”
“Sleeping,” I say with a shrug, leaning back into the booth as I sigh softly.
“Are you getting tired?”
“A little bit.”
“Do you want to take our coffee back to my place?”
I suck in a breath, my eyes widening when I look at him. As much as that sounds appealing, I do need to need to sleep, and I don’t think I will be able to do that with him at his place. “I probably should get home, Ezra.”
He frowns, his brows creasing as he glances down to his cup. “What if I promise to let you do nothing but sleep?”
“I don’t know…” It does sound enticing.
“I want to spend time with you,” he blurts out, taking my hand in his and interlocking our fingers.
Okay? I bite my lip hard, debating this over in my head. It makes me feel giddy that he wants to spend time with me, but I’m going to sleep for most of the day. “I can always call you when I wake up,” I offer.
“Or I could go home with you,” he persists.
“I don’t think you would fit in my bed,” I blurt out. His brow arches and my face flames. “I mean apartment…apartment. Claudia and I share a small two bedroom over on Pine Avenue.”
“If it means I get to be with you, I could care less,” he says, quirking his lips up at the sides.
Um…yes, please! I would love to be in his big arms where I feel safe. I could almost forget that I have problems when he is near me. But I have to be realistic here. I can’t chance having a nightmare. I don’t want him to know my secrets at this moment.
“Ezra, I can’t sleep if you’ll be there watching me.”
“Why not?”
I want to scream out, Because I have issues, but I just shrug instead.
It’s not the answer he wants, and I can see the sadness in his eyes when he pulls his hand from mine. “I see.”
No, he doesn’t, but I can’t explain. He probably thinks I’m coming up with lame excuses, but he would freak if he knew the truth about me. It makes my heart ache to think of him leaving me over my past. I rub my chest absently and wish it didn’t suck to be me right now. I would give anything to just jump at the chance of spending the day with him.
“I don’t like people watching me while I sleep. It’s not anything too bad, okay?” I only partly lie to him.
“Yeah.” His icy blue eyes lower to his cup. “I should probably take you home so you can sleep.”
My heart falls to my stomach, and all I can do is nod my answer. This is definitely not how I planned this coffee time going right now. I drink the rest of my coffee in one gulp and get up slowly, my body feeling tired once I’ve sat for some time. I follow him out of the coffee shop to his truck, surprised that he still helps me up into the cab, and I offer a small smile I don’t feel. My thoughts are freaking me out the whole drive.
Did I just screw this up with him?
Chapter Eight
Daytime Nightmares
I’m suffocating.
I can’t breathe.
The rancid smell of alcohol and blood is overwhelming, and I gag despite the hand around my neck. I stare through blurry eyes at the man who is trying to kill me after he just violated me on the deserted beach. His dark brown eyes narrow as if what he just did to me was my fault. I don’t understand why he is hurting me so badly. I barely see the knife before it is plunged into my leg, ripping a scream through my raw throat.
No! No! No!
“No!” I scream loudly, jolting up in the bed, my lungs burning from gasping for oxygen. I’m soaked from head to foot and shaking, and then the bedroom door bursts open. Claudia rushes over to me, still dressed in her nightshirt. She puts her arms around me and rocks me tightly. I sob hard into her neck, trying to forget about that night on the beach.
Even though it happened seven years ago when I graduated from high school, it’s fresh in my mind. The nightmare is always the same, with me choking and him stabbing me before someone finds us. It would have been my death had people not found us after my screams.
They say I was lucky.
I don’t feel lucky.
The night my innocence was stolen and I was stabbed ruined my life and my parents’. When we returned from Jamaica, we were no longer the happy Connors family. Our house was cold and cruel. My parents argued for the first time in seventeen years, Dad choosing to drink until he was passed out and Mom pretending that counseling was the cure for everything.
We returned broken.
I was the most broken.
“Lanee, shh…shh… I’ve got you, sweetie,” Claudia coos in my ear, her hand rubbing soothing circles on my back.
“I don’t understand,” I sob.
“Shh…you’ve been working too much with little sleep, remember? Did you take a sleeping pill before you fell asleep?” I shake my head and pull out of her arms. “What time did you get in?”
“I was only an hour behind you getting home,” I sniffle, reaching for the tissues next to my bed. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that nightmare. I know Claudia is right, but I hate taking sleeping pills. I usually take them when I’ve worked long stretches, but when I got home I was too tired to think. Plus, I was a little disappointed Ezra didn’t kiss me when he dropped me off. Deep down, I probably knew I was going to have a nightmare, and that is why I refused to go home with him, but I hated this feeling. I didn’t want to wake him by screaming and crying like a broken wreck.
“Did you guys have a good chat?” Claudia asks, stretching out on my bed.
“It was nice.” I get up and start gathering my clothes to take a shower. I feel sweaty and gross now that the nightmare is behind me.
It’s been seven years, and she has been at my side no matter what. It took months to tell my best friend about the attack, and I only did it when she spent the night with me when my parents were gone on a trip. She’s been my lifesaver since then, but it was shaming to tell her what happened to me. I was changed after that, and I didn’t want her to have a dirty friend. I was violated and felt like it was my fault. I felt dirty. I didn’t want to drag her down with my self-pity. I was wrong to keep it from her then, but I worry that I’m never going to get over it.
I look at the clock. It is past five in the evening and the sun is shining brightly outside. “Do you want to go to the beach?”
“Ugh, I can’t. I picked up a shift in an hour,” Claudia says, yawning.
“Oh.” I had forgotten she told me that last night when we were getting ready for work.
“But you should go.” Claudia gets up from the bed and leaves my room to start the coffeepot.
I hear her in the kitchen as I head into the bathroom. I turn on the hot water and call out to Claudia. “I think I might. I don’t know what I’m going to do all alone.”
Claudia laughs. “You’ll probably read on the deck like you always do.”
I smile getting into the shower, letting the hot water wash off all the tension in my body. I just wish it could wash away the dirty feeling I get when I dream about that night. It would be so simple to let fears just fall down into the drain never to return, but that only happens in novels.
This is real life, Lanee, I tell mys
elf. The scars and memories never fade, and pain is constant in the back of my head when I have a nightmare like this, but it never disappears for life.
Why can’t I just forget?
Does it have to haunt me?
Am I letting it torture me on purpose?
“Hurry up, girl. I want a hot shower before my twelve-hour shift.” Claudia pops her head in the bathroom.
“Fine!” I shout.
I hurry through my shower and towel dry so she can get in next. It may be a nice apartment, but the hot water doesn’t last with two women living here. I put lotion on my skin before I get dressed and then put on my floral blue bikini. I don’t go to the beach often by myself, but I want to soak up the sun. I put on a tank top and short shorts over my suit, and then pull my wet hair up into a ponytail.
As I get my coffee ready, I notice that my cell phone is sitting on the counter charging and blinking that I have messages. I slide my finger over the screen, and my heart leaps when I see Ezra has texted me.
Good morning or afternoon, beautiful girl. Text me when you wake up. Please.
I smile happily, the giddiness that I felt when I saw him waiting for me in the parking lot returning. I guess he still wants to see me after this morning. I send him a quick text saying I’m awake now, and he answers instantly.
Sweet dreams?
No
You should have stayed with me. I could have made sure they were sweet.
I sigh softly. I would have loved that, but I’m sure I would’ve still had my nightmare. I hear Claudia coming down the short hallway, and I darken the screen to hide his texts.
“I am so not looking forward to seeing Dr. Creep,” she says, filling her mug up with coffee.
“Give him my regards,” I say wryly.
Claudia groans. “I should call in sick and just go to the beach with you.”
“But you won’t.” I laugh. This is our thing, threatening to call out when we have to work with Dr. Morgan, but we never do. It wouldn’t be fair to our coworkers or the patients that may need us. But it is tempting at times.
“I know, I know. Wish me luck,” she grumbles, throwing her purse strap over her shoulder.
“Good luck, sweetie,” I call out to her.
Claudia laughs and closes the door. She really hates going in on the nights I’m not with her. Being scheduled together has been our routine since we first started our jobs at the hospital. Mostly because she has the car that works.
My car is a piece of junk and is broken down in the garage we rent from the apartment building. It was a month ago when it stopped working, so I just parked it and let it sit. The mechanic was too expensive. Thankfully we live six blocks from the lake, so all I have to do is walk there, but on days I work alone I take a cab or the bus. Most people would go to the ocean to be at a beach, but here in the Midwest, our beaches were considered the sides of lakes or rivers.
My cell buzzes with another text, and I slide my finger across the screen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. I freeze when I see that he says he is outside waiting for me. I go to the balcony, and there he is standing, gorgeous in shorts, tank top, and sandals. My mouth waters as I take in all the muscle on display for me to ogle, watching him intently as he stalks toward our balcony. His lips turn up in a sexy smile as he presses his forehead to the patio door.
“Can I come in?” he asks through the glass.
“Maybe,” I say coyly, trying to act calm when I’m anything but with him standing on the other side of the glass. My heart is pounding hard as I unlock the door and slide it open for him.
“Are you going swimming?” he asks, fingering the tie of my bikini around my neck.
It is strange that I would normally flinch if someone just reached out to touch me, but I don’t with him. When he cups my jaw, I lean into him, melting at the warmth I feel in his skin.
“I was just heading out to go sit on the beach.”
“Have you eaten yet?”
“Um…no.”
“Good. We’ll go eat, and then you can hang at the beach.” He closes and locks the glass door for me, stepping farther into our little apartment. His eyes scan the room, and I’m glad we’re not slobs now that he is here. “Nice place.”
“Thanks,” I say shyly, heading to the door in the living room to let us out.
“How long have you two lived here?”
“Four years now. We used to live over by the hospital, but when they refused to fix the broken pipes, we moved out. It was luck that we found this place.” The main entrance to our apartment is actually through a hall once a person is buzzed in, but Ezra came in through the balcony doors since he didn’t know which apartment was mine. We live in a modern complex that houses four apartments for each resident. In order to enter the complex, there is an external door that leads to a hallway. I lock the door once we enter the hallway. “And it has great security doors and cameras.”
Ezra looks up at the camera in the corner, nodding when I glance at him. He takes my hand in his, and we leave the apartment building, heading toward his truck. Again he helps me get into the truck, and I laugh when his fingers tickle my side.
“Hmm…ticklish, I see.”
“Yes.” I smile broadly at him as he pulls himself up on the step guard, his face close to mine. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t become violent if you do, and I know where your stitches are.”
He smirks. “Duly noted, baby. I promise to wait until I’m all healed up.” My heart quickens at the sweet endearment he keeps calling me. He leans in and kisses me on the lips quickly. He climbs down, smiling happily, and then moves around his truck to the other side.
“Where are we going to eat?” I ask him.
“I don’t know. What are you in the mood for?”
Him… But I won’t say it. My cheeks flame, and I hear him groan when I lick my lips, bowing my head in embarrassment. I feel him touch my jaw, as I look at him again.
“I like the way your cheeks turn pink like that, but why are you hiding your face from me?” His gaze sears into mine and my breath catches. “Don’t be embarrassed, baby.”
“Okay.” I smile at him weakly, wondering if I’m so transparent to him. I clasp my seat belt and again he holds my hand for the drive. I love how this feels with him. It makes me alive. I don’t have bad memories when he is next to me. I don’t panic when he touches me.
I wonder if he is fixing me. I don’t want to dwell on it, but I like this feeling. I like touching him and being touched back. I never thought I would ever have something like this. It warms me to the core to be able to openly touch him without fear.
This has to be a good thing, I keep telling myself.
Chapter Nine
Brotherly Interruptions
Today has been the best day ever, from Ezra picking me up at the apartment to the wonderful Italian restaurant he took me to and then lying in the sun with us just talking about anything and everything. It was getting late in the evening, but being with him has been incredible. The two of us laughed so hard at the things he told me about his brothers, and I found I was envious of having a big family like his.
His mother and father sound like great parents, like mine were in the beginning—making the boys come home every Sunday for family lunches, wanting to know what was going on in their lives, and sharing their pain during moments of sadness. It was surreal to hear how loving his family really is. They care about each other deeply and help one another out when one is in a jam. His parents instilled strong moral standards in their sons, which confused me. Then why would someone like Ezra cast off girls so easily?
I already knew he was the second youngest in his family, but Micca was seven years older. Otherwise, each boy was only fourteen months apart except Ezra. He was three years older than Levi, and his brothers used to tease Levi that he was the oops baby. I hadn’t laughed so hard in years at the stories of pranks they all pulled on one another, going as far as skinny dipping in the lake and stealing Micca’s clo
thes one time.
It was getting later, and the evening was cooling off from the hot day, but I didn’t want him to drop me off yet. There was something about Ezra that calmed me deep down, and I didn’t want to miss a moment. I liked being with him all evening, but I knew he had to get to work.
“Do you mind if we stop at my place before I drop you off? Your apartment is closer to the club.” He glances at me quickly once we are back in the truck.
“That’s fine.” I look out the window as he pulls out of the parking lot, my heart speeding up when I see him turn right down Marina Road instead of left to go back into the main part of town.
The only houses along Marina Road are the ones that are connected to the beach, big houses I’ve always dreamed of living in when I was growing up here. The houses are farther apart from one another and massive, some with five or six bedrooms, and some houses were small cottages for tourists to rent out in the summer.
Ezra pulls up in the driveway of a beautiful soft-blue two-story house, the green lawn looking perfect with flowers lining the sidewalk up to the white door. He turns to me when I sit there speechless, taking in the view of the lake in the back with its own private dock.
“Are you renting?” I ask him.
“I bought it last year because I love the lake. Dad and Mom practically raised us on the water when we were younger.” He nods toward the house next door, and I see a bigger one, just as beautiful. “My parents live there.”
“Oh.” When he helps me out of the truck, I ask, “Do your brothers live here too?”
“Azriel does. Levi lives with our parents still, and the others have their own houses across town to be closer to their jobs downtown,” he explains to me.
Taken By Ezra (The Lanphear Men Book 1) Page 5