Colt stands, brushes off his jeans, takes his wife by the hand and leaves the room.
I follow behind them, watching as they gather their things and apologize to the waitress. Colt hands her some cash from his wallet and then pushes by me as he exits the establishment. As I run after them, Miranda comes back inside and stops me. Her serious face lets me know I’ve crossed a line. “I know you mean well, but we suspected he would react like this.”
“I don’t know why I pictured this working.”
“You have a big heart, Ty. You tried. Colt will get over it. He’s frustrated with himself, and probably embarrassed. The whole cop thing was so cliché. You’re never going to live this one down.”
“I’m just glad we packed up the truck before we left. Now we just need to find a ride back to the cabin.”
We walk hand in hand out to the parking lot and much to both of our surprise, Colt and Van are still there waiting for us. “You’ve got to be kidding me? He must want to give me more shit.” Shaking my head, I surrender to my deserving ridicule. “I’ll deal with it.”
We climb into the back seat, both of us noticing Colt’s tight grip on the steering wheel. “I know you’re pissed, but it was worth the try.”
“You had no right to take it upon yourself and set me up like that. Did you really think my problem had anything to do with needing a stranger to arouse me? I have a medical condition, not an addiction. I’m not wired like you, Ty. I don’t need movies and toys. I have everything I need. My problem is that everyone is on my back. Maybe if you all minded your own business my wife and I would be able to keep our personal affairs to ourselves.”
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I overstepped.”
“What else is new?” We’re pulling out of the parking lot. The stripper has put on a jacket and is talking on her cell phone. I don’t bother waving. She got a ton of money for five minutes worth of work. Colt didn’t even get to have a good show.
I start laughing. It’s wrong. Colt will be more pissed, but I can’t help myself. “When we were younger you would have just decked me for something like this. Now you hold grudges. Maybe that’s your problem. You take everything to heart.”
“Maybe you interfere,” he counters.
“It was a kind gesture.”
“It was disgusting. You’re disgusting. I should have known you were up to something. You hardly ever offer to pay.”
“Well again, I apologize for spending good money on you. I was trying to be your hero, because let’s face it, you’re my idol.”
He looks in the rearview mirror at me. “You’re lucky I don’t stop this truck and slap that grin right off your face.”
“Let’s just agree to disagree. I tried to help. It won’t happen again.”
The rest of the ride is silent. Miranda and I say our goodbyes and get on the road. In a couple days this will all blow over and I’ll be back to driving him crazy. He’s angry about it now, but years down the road this will be a funny story. You bet your ass I’ll be the one to bring it up.
Chapter 11
Uncle Who
Jax
My parents aren’t supposed to be home for another day. When they walk in and find me sprawled out on the couch, eating their snacks, I can tell they aren’t pleased. “Jax, not again. Go home!” Mom is pointing toward the door.
“I’m house sitting.”
“Listen to your mother, boy. Go home to your wife and kids.”
“But the game is on, and the kids are loud. I can’t hear the commentator. Just let me stay a little longer.”
At the same time they both repeat themselves. “Out!”
Rolling the bag of chips up and clipping it, I stand and walk it over to the kitchen counter top. “You really know how to make a guy feel welcome.”
“We’ll see you tomorrow, Jax. Dad is tired from driving. We’re going to call it an early night. Plus your wife has dinner ready.”
“How do you know?”
“Dad dropped off your cooler on the way home. Amber suspects you’re here hiding out.”
“I’m not hiding. She knows where to find me.”
Kissing my mom, I grab my keys and nod toward my dad. “It’s like you’re kicking me out.”
“We are. You have your own house. Where’s your sidekick?”
They’re referring to Jake, my best friend, my partner in crime, who happens to share my same beautiful DNA. “Hiking. They left this morning. Went on an adventure without me.”
“You poor thing. Maybe your sister would want to hang out.”
“She’s always asking me to fix something.”
Dad shakes his head. “Take my advice. Don’t try to fix things for other people.”
“Ty, that’s a terrible thing to say. You pissed Colt off, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never help him again.”
“What happened to Uncle Colt?”
Dad smirks. I know whatever comes out of his mouth with be out of spite. He’s always ragging on his cousin. “From now on, call him Uncle Limpy. Don’t ask. Just do it.”
“Yeah, whatever. See you all later.”
I’m halfway down the driveway when I start thinking about what my dad said. I never did ask why they came home early. I was just pissed they forced me to leave mid-game.
My house is chaotic. Amber has taken this fundraiser thing to a whole new level. She wants the best of everything. There are flyers and crafts all over the house. She’s constantly on the phone making plans, and I’m left to watch all of the kids, my spawn. They gang up on me. It’s a dangerous place to be. Sometimes I fear for my life, like if I fell sleep they’d color my face with a sharpie and paint my nails. They’re naughty.
Mom says I’m getting what she dealt with three times over, but I think she’s being dramatic. My kids are way worse.
When I walk inside I’m bombarded. My five year old daughters are dressed like princesses with their plastic, slippery as hell, high heels. They’re carrying around two of Amber’s huge ass purses and have taken the liberty of putting a boa around our male English bulldog. After a closer inspection as the dog comes to greet me I notice they’ve painted his toenails again. “Daddy isn’t he pretty?” I’m not even concerned with who said it. At this point I know they do everything as a team.
We’ve gotten used to calling the dog Bubba because of his size. He looks at me with a pair of eyes that says he’s miserable. Patting his head, I try to comfort him. “It’s okay buddy. I’m here to save you.”
A naked toddler streaks through the room, running from the foot of the stairs to the kitchen. Once hidden behind a counter, I hear one of the cabinets being opened. We’ve nicknamed him Rocky, because he either destroys things, or injures himself. The kid had a broken foot at a year old. He once pulled the fifty inch flat screen on top of himself when he tried to climb it. For the longest time, we had him wearing a helmet to prevent head injuries. It sounds like we don’t watch him, but every single time we’re right there, just unable to react quick enough.
Looking around for Amber, I make my way into the kitchen and get down on all fours, slowly coming around the center island to see what he’s up to.
The cabinet door shuts and I spot a little foot before it disappears.
When I hear the sound of footsteps I notice Amber is standing over me. She’s holding a diaper that’s been stepped out of. “Where is he hiding?”
I point to the cabinet door. “I don’t know. I’ve looked everywhere.”
She quickly sticks it on top of my head. “Now that you’re home you can keep them in check. I’ve got calls to make, babe.”
“I was doing stuff for my dad.”
She gives me a not at all amused frown. “I spoke to your mom. Hiding again? If I didn’t know you any better I’d say you hated us.”
After regaining my footing, I yank her into my arms and start kissing her whole face. She finally pushes me away. “Okay, okay.”
“My love for you is infinite. You’re Bar
bie and I’m Buzz Light Year.”
“Good. Prove it. Take the kids somewhere so I can make final arrangements. It’s only a couple more weeks and then no more planning until next year.”
“Yippe,” I sarcastically admit.
“You taste like beer and cheese curls. Do me a favor and don’t feed the kids that same combination.”
By this time Bubba has come up beside us. I look to him as he sighs heavily. “Mind if I take the laziest dog on the planet? I need to keep a close eye on him. The girls are making him a cross dresser. If this continues I’m going to apply for our own reality show. He’ll be the first transgender pooch.”
My wife rolls her eyes. “Watch the kids, you fool.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll babysit.”
She hates when I call it that. I only do it to drive her nuts. I know they’re my responsibility.
Amber flashes me the finger before heading back upstairs to the office/bedroom. I wait a few seconds before opening the cabinet door. “Hello? Anyone in there?”
Shuffling causes me to smile. Rocky thinks he’s slick. He’s successfully put a large plastic bowl over his head as if it disguises his entire body. Before closing the cabinet, I give him one more chance. “Oh well, girls. I guess your brother won’t be joining us for chicken nuggets and fries.”
I’m almost out of the kitchen when I see him pop around the corner. Naked, like he’s proud of what’s he got going on, he places his hands on his hips. “I hide.”
“Wow. Where did you come from?”
“In der’.” He points to the door.
“I looked in there. You must have been invisible.”
He points to the diaper. “No!”
I catch him before he’s able to get away. While putting the diaper back on the screaming, kicking kid, I tell the girls to grab him some clothes, making it a point to reiterate on them being his own clothes.
The girls stay dressed in play clothes. All three kids are in the middle row of the SUV, and Bubba is in the passenger seat. He obviously knows what’s about to go down. His little nub of a tail is going ballistic. “Don’t worry, there’s a hamburger with your name on it.”
I think whoever created parks had fathers in mind. What better place to take kids where they can’t make messes? I buy way too much food and we sit down at a picnic table to figure out who gets what. The kids are quiet as they stuff their faces, as is the dog. Munching on a couple fries, I see a dad pushing his kid on a swing, while the mom takes photos. Our lives are rarely so simplified. With Amber being a celebrity we’ve had to take a low key approach to everything. Instead of us capturing moments in public with the kids, we normally have to hide them, especially when their mother is with us. Days like this are rare. I’ve come to like the quiet more and more the older I get. I also enjoy being with my kids, even when they are still wearing plastic shoes and carrying around purses the size of them.
While the twins occupy their brother, I pull out my phone and call Jake. Even though we’re both married with children, we still keep in touch on a day to day basis, especially when either of us are away. Jake answers on the third ring. I hear screaming in the background. His son is a little younger than the twins, but his daughter is still in diapers. She cries about everything. I think it’s because she’s a ginger. The little spitfire already has a spunky personality she must get from her mother. None of us suspected them to have a child with red hair, but their little girl resembles her maternal grandmother. Her name is Rachel, but we call her Ruby.
“Sounds like you’re having a great time.”
“It’s nap time and someone doesn’t want to listen.” I can hear him moving around and then it’s quiet. “Sorry, had to step out of the RV.”
“So get this. Dad said from now on we have to call Uncle Colt, Uncle Limpy. Know anything about that?”
He lets out a guffaw. “No, but my imagination tells me it’s nothing good.”
“I sort of want to group message him and see what happens.”
“If you do, count me in. I want to see it play out.”
“You think Dad will be pissed?” I have more in common with my Dad than anyone. Jake is more grounded. Even though he likes to play jokes and act like a comedian, he knows where to draw the line, where I’d rather take it to extremes.
“Hell yeah. He’ll kick your ass.”
“I’d like to see him try. All he does is complain about his back. His ass jumps me and we know he’s full of shit.”
Jake clears his throat. “Reese said Amber is coming unhinged over this event.”
I raise my brows and glance over at the kids while replying. “You have no idea. She’s been calling celebrities and her agent. She wants to have a charity signing. If you ask me, there’s too much shit going on for one event.”
“Maybe you’re just jealous because people would pay to fawn all over your wife.”
“Fuck off. I’m not jealous. They don’t get to see her sitting on the toilet complaining of constipation.”
“Thanks for the visual.”
“I’m just saying, they put on her some pedestal. To me, she’s a wife and a mom.”
“She’s also a good topless dancer.”
“Dude, you ain’t right.”
“Just saying.”
When I see my son trip I know it’s time to go. “Gotta jet. I need to kiss a boo boo.”
Chapter 12
Over my head
Amber
Finally a few moments to myself. Don’t get me wrong, being a mom is my most greatest accomplishment, but sometimes I need to be able to concentrate. With the husband and kids out of my hair, I’m able to make the last few calls I need, then decide to grab a bottle of wine and start a bubble bath.
Even though the family said they didn’t need it, I developed a program of sorts of the event and where all of the activities will be taking place. Then I had flyers made to be handed out for the people who come. We’d talked about having a map, so this will be a little easier to navigate through.
As far as celebrity appearances, I have six people coming from the movie I did a few years ago. Shalan has ten country singers who have opted to perform for the benefit. From what I’m hearing, Conner and Amy have a separate project going with animals now. There’s a activity tent for children twelve and under, and even a petting zoo.
All of the food trucks will be donating half of what they make, and we’ve had a couple local barbeque places come to us asking if they could also provide a service to us. Now with the mammograms going on, it’s turning out to be a two day event.
This thing is going to be so big I can only image how great the donation.
A couple years ago we had a scare with Olivia. One day she became completely unresponsive. We took her to the hospital and they ran all sorts of tests. One of the test was for Lymphoma. I can’t even begin to say how it made me feel to think it could be a possibility. The results came back negative. Instead she’d gotten into some weed outside and had a reaction to it. She was covered in spots after a few days, but without those signs they tested for everything else. So many children, men and women are dying every day from this terrible illness. I just want to help however I can. I’ve recently been offered to be a spokesperson for Saint Jude’s. I can’t remember a time when I was more excited about an opportunity like this.
While soaking in the hot water I hear a ruckus downstairs telling me the family is home. I no sooner sit up and reach for a towel when they come barreling in the room telling me all about their adventure. Jax likes to take the kids to the park. I think he likes it more than they do.
Jax hands me a towel. “We stopped and got a movie out of one of those red boxes.”
“We still have the last one you borrowed. I had to pay for that, you know.”
“I’ll take this one back. It’s about a pony with three legs. It’s based on a true story.”
“Sounds amazing.”
“The girls want to know if they can have a three legged pony.
Rocky just wants more fries.”
Rolling my eyes, I watch as the kids chase each other out of the room, the girls proceed to scream as they do it.
Jax gets on his knees and reaches into the water. He grabs some bubbles and covers his face like it’s a beard. “What do you think? I’m a hot old man, ain’t I?”
“You’re something.”
“You know you want it.”
Taking him by the shirt, I pull him close for a kiss, but use all of my might to get him to tumble on top of me, soaking his clothes. Water splashes out the sides, but it takes him a few seconds to balance himself. He presses his wet face against mine. “You suck. You’re lucky my phone is water resistant.”
Olivia comes to stand at the door. “Daddy, what are you doing?”
“I fell in. There was an alligator and I didn’t want it to get Mommy.”
“Daddy,” Rocky says. “You’re silly.”
Jax blows soap suds in all their faces. Rocky comes running toward us, attempting to climb in the tub too.
I sit up, pushing my husband out of the way and reaching for the towel at the same time. Full of suds, I climb out and rush for the door. I hear more splashing and know what’s going on, but I refuse to help. Jax created a monster and he can clean it up.
Liv and Lex come out of the bathroom covered in bubbles, but are somewhat still in order. They’re able to shake off the fuzz before jumping on the bed. “Can we sleep with you tonight?”
Just as they ask we hear Rocky and their father emerging from the bathroom. A trail of water and soap is left behind as they make their way in the room. They tackle us on the bed and the room erupts in screams and laughter.
This is my life.
Model and actress by day, crazy lunatic mother of three by night. Add Jax to that mix and we’d make a great sitcom.
At eleven p.m. Jax comes into the bedroom with one of his famous smirks on his face. He’s up to no good, but since I don’t hear a peep from any of the bedrooms, I want to assume the kids have finally crashed for the night.
Fight Like A Mitchell Page 7