by Noelle Adams
But maybe it was better than them knowing the truth.
“Only because you’re the one who’s been in a slump lately,” Noah said slowly. “Not because she’d never be into you. She’s always seemed to like you.”
Patrick grunted. She had liked him. He was sure of it.
But she didn’t anymore.
“Look, we don’t care if you never spill out all your feelings or anything,” Ryan said. “But I’m telling you what you told me. You need to get it together. If you want something, you need to step up and try to get it. And if you’re not going to do that, then you need to get a grip.” He paused for a minute before he continued, “You were always her favorite. Everyone knows that. Remember in school when she asked you to that dance?”
Patrick did remember. How could he possibly forget?
Noah chuckled. “You were such a loser you couldn’t even answer her. Talk about scared shitless.”
Patrick had never confided in his friends about the incident, but Carol had told Emma and Ginny what happened, and so Noah and Ryan had obviously found out. They’d teased Patrick about it mercilessly, both of them immediately knowing what had happened.
Patrick had been afraid to talk to girls back then. No girls had ever been interested in him. And so he never would have dreamed any girl would have asked him to go with her to a dance. When Carol had asked, he’d been too shocked and scared to even answer her. He hadn’t been able to even say a word.
Her feelings had been hurt. He’d known it then, and he knew it now.
He suddenly wondered how many times he’d hurt Carol because he’d been too scared to be with her the way he wanted.
The thought hit him strangely, and his breath caught in his throat.
Ryan said, “But think about it. Out of all the other guys she could have asked, she wanted to go with you. Why do you suppose that was?”
Patrick stared at his friend speechlessly.
“She always thought you were special,” Ryan continued. “If you made her a… good offer, treated her right, treated her the way she deserves, I don’t think she’d reject you.”
Patrick breathed heavily and stared blindly into the air.
He wondered if Ryan was right.
He wondered if Carol might have thought he was special and not just looked to him because he was the only one left.
He wondered if he’d once again hurt Carol unforgivably because he was too scared to take what he really wanted, because he didn’t believe anyone would really want him.
He wondered if he’d made the biggest mistake of his life by assuming that she didn’t want him for real.
He wondered if he hadn’t treated her the way she deserved.
And he wondered if it was really too late, if there was anything he could do about it now.
He kept thinking about it for the rest of the night but didn’t come to any answers.
***
A week later, Carol was wishing she hadn’t brought a date to the rehearsal dinner for Emma and Noah’s wedding.
She’d brought Tom since they’d gone out several times now and he was the only man who was in a position to be asked as her date. She hadn’t wanted to do the rehearsal dinner alone. She’d been afraid she’d feel lonely or pitiful.
But at the moment, she would have loved to have the freedom to just be herself and enjoy the preliminaries to two of her friends’ wedding, rather than having to deal with a date she wasn’t even all that excited about.
Tom wasn’t a bad guy. He seemed to like her well enough, and he wasn’t ever mean. After dating him for almost a month, however, Carol was seeing him fully. He was a little self-centered, and he cared more about the impression he gave to the world than he did about the world itself. Maybe she should have realized it immediately by his absorption with his own very expensive car and the watch he always insisted on flashing around.
Mostly she was exhausted from keeping on her “date face” rather than just relaxing and having a good time.
She should have come alone.
The dinner was in a private dining room at one of the best restaurants in town. The food was delicious, and the atmosphere was warm and festive, and Noah and Emma had been very generous with the wine list. Everyone was seated around one long banquet table, but there were several minutes between the main course and dessert and most of the table had gotten up to mingle.
Carol was still sitting with Tom. He didn’t know anyone but her. She could hardly desert him to get up and talk to the people she actually wanted to talk to.
She picked up her champagne flute and swallowed down the rest of the glass. She’d had two glasses of wine, plus the champagne. She felt a pleasant buzz, but it wasn’t enough to drown out her awkwardness.
Tom was still talking about his car, telling her about details of the engine she didn’t give a crap about. She smiled and nodded and wished she was anywhere else, talking to anyone else.
Patrick had come by himself, looking incredibly sexy in a new suit. He’d been quiet all through dinner, and she kept feeling like he was watching her, but every time she glanced over, his eyes were focused on someone else.
He’d gotten up as soon as he was allowed and had gone to talk to his and Emma’s parents, who were on the other side of the long table with Nan and the Stevensons’ out-of-state extended family.
For just a moment, as she looked over at him, he met her eyes. Something deep and intense seemed to smolder between them, but she made herself look away.
Patrick didn’t want her.
And she had a date with her anyway.
She wasn’t going to be some sort of jerk and ignore her own date to brood about someone else.
She kept smiling and nodding at Tom and was infinitely relieved when he stood up. “I need to find the restroom.”
At least she’d have a few minutes’ break.
She let out a long breath as he walked to the doorway of the room, and then she relaxed back in her chair.
She was never again going to bring a date to an event like this. Better to come alone, like Patrick had, and be comfortable with people you loved, then to have to put on a pretense the whole time and not ever talk to the people you wanted.
Ginny came over and sat down in Carol’s chair. She was carrying a glass of champagne that was mostly full. Ginny never drank more than a few sips of alcohol.
“Why did you bring that guy?” Ginny asked in a low voice.
“I don’t know!” Carol made a little sobbing noise. “It was stupid. I just thought it would be better with a date.”
“Is he coming to the wedding with you?”
“No. Thank God I was smart enough not to ask him.”
“He’s not your type at all.”
“I know he’s not.”
“Then why are you still going out with him.”
“Because.” Carol swallowed. She knew the answer, but she didn’t want to say it.
“Just admit it,” Ginny said softly.
“Because I’m trying to move on. And it feels more like I’m doing it if I have someone to go out with.”
“If it’s someone you know you don’t really like, then it’s not really moving on, is it?”
“No.”
Ginny held her eyes for a minute. “So maybe it’s okay to be a little down about it. It doesn’t mean you’re weak and spineless. It just means he was important to you. It’s all right to be sad for a while.”
Maybe it was from the alcohol, but Carol’s eyes burned with tears. She swallowed over a lump in her throat. She couldn’t get any words out, but she nodded to acknowledge what Ginny had said.
Ginny reached over and squeezed Carol’s hands, which were twisted together in her lap. “Just get through dinner and then get rid of him.”
Carol nodded again. She still couldn’t speak.
“On Sunday, when Emma leaves on her honeymoon, we’ll have a whole girls’ day in, just you and me, watching movies and eating ice cream.”
Carol
had to blink several times as she took a ragged breath. She nodded once again, and this time she managed to say, “That sounds good. Thank you.”
Ginny got up as Tom came back from the bathroom, and fortunately he didn’t expect Carol to say very much. He seemed to be content with a few smiles from her, as long as it meant he could talk endlessly about what he wanted.
When dessert was served, everyone returned to their seats, and Carol was relieved when it was time for the toasts.
Ryan called people to attention and gave a very funny and fond toast that the entire room seemed to love. Ryan was always like that, and Carol felt an unavoidable swelling of pride for her brother. Then Noah’s father got up to say a few words. Noah had never had much of a relationship with his father—in fact, he’d been bitter and angry toward him for years, for good reason—but they’d been trying to mend fences this year, at least a little, and Carol was relieved that his father’s toast was short and seemed sincere. Noah seemed to appreciate it, and Emma and Carol exchanged relieved looks as his father sat down.
After that, several other people gave toasts, including Emma’s father and Nan and Ginny. Nan quoted the Bible, and Ginny made everyone laugh.
It wasn’t until everyone else who wanted to speak had spoken that Patrick stood up.
He looked stiff and uncomfortable. He’d never liked being the center of attention.
He said, “I met Noah in summer camp when I was twelve years old. Noah and Ryan were those cool kids who everyone liked. I wasn’t. I was a little nerd, and it had never occurred to me that I could be friends with someone like Noah. I was wrong. I discovered that even boys could like each other for real, as people, and I guess I hadn’t known that before. I wasn’t happy when Noah started dating my little sister, but I’m happy about it now. Because I know he loves her for real, as a human being. He’s been faithful to me for fifteen years. I know he’ll be faithful to her too.”
Emma was crying as she sat next to Noah and listened to her brother speak, and ridiculously Carol was crying too.
Patrick sat down abruptly and looked like he wanted to sink into the floor. Noah reached over to clap him on the shoulder, and Emma got up to give him a hug.
Noah said a few words, thanking everyone and ending the dinner, and Carol had to wipe her tears away to smile at Tom.
“Do you want me to take you home?” Tom asked. He was clearly ready to get out of here.
Carol was ready to get him out of here too. “No. I need to hang around afterward with Emma. I’ll walk with you to your car though.”
She got up, still feeling far too emotional. Maybe she’d drunk too much wine.
She desperately wished she was walking out of the dining room with Patrick rather than Tom.
***
Patrick gulped down the rest of the champagne in his glass, watching as Carol got up to leave with Tom.
He wondered if they were going home together.
He wondered if Tom was going to take Carol to bed.
He cringed at the visual and tightened his fist around the stem of the glass.
His parents came over to hug him, his mother raving about the toast he’d just made. Patrick was partially wishing he hadn’t made it and partly glad he had.
Mostly he just wanted to get out of here. There were too many people in the room.
And Carol had gone home with that flashy asshole.
Maybe she hadn’t gone home with him. Maybe she was just walking him out.
That hope propelled Patrick to his feet and out the private dining room to the entrance of the restaurant.
He stepped outside so he had a clear view of the parking lot.
He saw Carol and Tom standing next to a ridiculously expensive, flashy sports car.
Oh how Patrick hated the man.
“So now you’ve resorted to stalking her,” a light female voice came from behind him.
Patrick stiffened and turned around to see his sister, looking up at him with arched eyebrows. “I’m not stalking. I just needed some fresh air.”
“Uh-huh.”
Patrick didn’t know what to say, but his eyes strayed back over to Carol. They were still standing next to the car. He could see Carol smiling up at the guy in the parking lot lights.
“I’ve been thinking about this for a month and a half now,” Emma said, catching his attention again, “and I think I’ve finally figured it out.”
“Figured what out?”
“What happened with you and Carol.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Don’t lie to me. I’m getting married tomorrow, so you shouldn’t lie to me tonight. I know something happened. Neither you nor Carol will tell me the full story, but I think I’ve figured it out anyway.”
Patrick swallowed, vaguely hoping she had, vaguely hoping that someone—anyone—understood what he was going through.
Emma reached over to put a hand on his shoulder. “You think she’s too good for you,” she said softly.
Patrick actually jerked.
“You think she’s too good for you,” Emma repeated. “You think she’ll never really love you. You think she was just interested in you because you were the only one left.”
Patrick tried to say something but couldn’t.
Emma let out a breath. “I do kind of understand. I’ve felt that way about myself a lot. That I’m… nothing special. Just because I’m not as pretty or outgoing or funny or sexy as other women. But you know what? You already know the answer to that. You said it just now in your toast. Because no matter how plain and boring I sometimes feel, Noah sees me as a person, a human being, not just my outside qualities. And he loves me for who I really am. Because of that, he honestly believes I’m more beautiful to him than any other woman in the world.”
Patrick still couldn’t say anything, but he was listening. He was listening so intently he was leaning forward slightly.
“So how could you possibly believe that Carol might not see you as a person, as a human being too? How could you think she’s incapable of loving you that way, rather than only seeing any outside qualities you might or might not possess? Carol has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. You know that. You know it. That’s one of the reasons you want her. So how dare you believe that her heart isn’t big enough to know you, to love you for real?”
The pressure in Patrick’s chest and throat intensified as Emma kept speaking. He was literally shaking as she finished.
She was waiting for him to answer, and she kept waiting until he was finally able to say, “It’s too late.”
“No, it’s not.”
“She’s with—” He gestured behind him in the direction of the car. Carol was probably kissing that flashy jerk now.
Emma made an impatient sound. “For God’s sake, Patrick. Turn around.”
Patrick turned to see that the ridiculous car was pulling out onto the main road. And Carol hadn’t gone with him.
She was standing in the parking lot, watching the car drive away, her shoulders visibly slumped.
She looked tired. Almost sad.
Patrick took an automatic step toward her.
“So get your head on straight,” Emma said. “And go fix this. Do it right now. If Noah and I could work things out and even get to our wedding day, then you can do it too.”
“Okay.” Patrick could hardly believe what he was saying.
Evidently, Emma couldn’t either. “Okay?”
“Okay.” He swallowed and squared his shoulders. “Here goes.”
Emma giggled and patted his arm encouragingly. “I believe in you.”
Her voice was light, but the words hit Patrick anyway. He turned around and pulled his sister into a hug.
They didn’t normally hug a lot, but he didn’t know what to say, and he had to let her know how he felt.
She hugged him back tightly, sniffed a little, and then said, “Okay. Now go.”
She hurried back into the restaurant, and Patrick turned around.
>
He’d made a mistake. A huge one. He never should have let his own insecurities cause him to push Carol away, when she was everything he wanted. But maybe there was still time to make it right.
He had to at least try.
There was nothing in the world he wanted more.
Eight
Carol felt exhausted and relieved and also a bit blah as she watched Tom’s car drive away.
She’d told him she didn’t think they should see each other again, and she was glad she’d done so. He’d looked surprised and a little disappointed but not crushed in any way, so he obviously hadn’t been serious about her. She just wasn’t cut out for dating just to date. She only wanted to date a man she was really interested in and excited about.
That wasn’t Tom.
At present, that wasn’t anyone except Patrick.
She wouldn’t always feel that way. Pretty soon she would be over Patrick.
Pretty soon she would be into another man.
She wished pretty soon would come a little bit sooner.
She stood and stared at the pavement under the streetlights for a minute before she steeled herself to go back inside.
One of her best friends was getting married tomorrow. She needed to focus on that. She didn’t need to sulk because her personal life wasn’t going very well.
She put on a determined expression and turned around to walk back inside to find the others.
When she saw a man’s figure about ten feet away from her, she jerked to a stop.
It took her just a moment to realize the man was Patrick. She recognized the shape of his body, the cut of his suit, the slightly messy flip of his hair, even though his features were shaded by the light behind him.
She approached him in slow steps.
He didn’t say anything.
Soon she was standing in front of him, and they were staring at each other in the artificial light of the parking lot.
“Is something wrong?” she finally asked, nervous for no good reason.
“Yes, something’s wrong.”
Her lips parted slightly. Otherwise, she couldn’t move. Not even a muscle.