by Anne Key
He hugged his dad way longer than was probably cool, but Eli just needed to let everything sink in. Maybe take some of it with him. He sure was going to need it.
Finally, Eli moved, blinking the stupid tears away and hoping his dad wouldn’t notice, but when he felt them slide down his cheeks, he knew that was hopeless. He swiped his eyes with the back of his hands. “Ugh. Sorry. I must be tired or something.”
He wasn’t tired. He wasn’t tired at all.
Dad said he was proud. He might not ever need sleep again.
“Must be. I’m going to grab me a drink. I can toss you a Coke.”
“I’m good, but thanks.” Eli got up when his dad did. He knew he had to play it cool; he didn’t want to make a big deal of things and embarrass his dad except… it was a big deal. A really big deal. He’d been a boy for a long while now, but all of a sudden, he felt like a son.
“So now you’re going to tell Mom everything, aren’t you?”
“Yes. Although, maybe not everything. Us guys have to keep a few secrets, right?”
“Right.” Eli laughed.
“Night, Eli.”
Dad was right, he had this. Hell, he could tell anybody anything now. Bring it. After his dad closed the door, Eli dove onto his bed again and picked up his phone to text Sammy.
Still thinking about u. Want to talk to u about something. Got any time 2morrow?
Chapter 16
SAMMY SAT at what she thought of as “their” table at the coffee shop and played on her phone. It was cold and raining and awful, and Daddy had offered to drop her off and pick her up after he’d taken Jian to the train.
The train.
So weird.
Still, Daddy and Jian had promised to take her to New York City after Halloween for the weekend. Lacey was going to be so jealous. So. Jelly.
She needed to stretch out tonight, think about her tryout for the dance team tomorrow, think about her Halloween costume and her math homework.
There was a rush of cold air as Eli came through the door. It didn’t look like he’d gotten a ride. He looked pretty wet, and his umbrella left a line of water all the way from the door to her table.
“Ugh. It’s really bad out there.” Eli dumped his umbrella on the floor and peeled off his wet coat. His jeans were soaked across the thighs, but The Offspring T-shirt and the red plaid flannel he was wearing were dry. He settled his coat across the back of his chair and then leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Hi,” he said, smiling. “I like your sweater.”
“Hey there. Thank you. I’m loving this weather. I have a ton of winter clothes I never got to wear back home.”
“Oh, that’s cool. I’m not loving the rain, though. I was kind of hoping we could talk somewhere a little more private. Can I get you a coffee?”
“Sure. You want to pick this time?” More private? Did that mean…. She didn’t know. Daddy wasn’t home, but he’d lose his shit if she brought a boy home when he wasn’t there.
“You got it.” Eli made his way over to the counter and ordered. There was no line at all, which was crazy for a Sunday. He came back in just a couple of minutes and set a cup down in front of her. “Caramel macchiato. I was in the mood for sweet.”
“Thank you.” She leaned toward the cup and inhaled. “I love that smell. You having a good day, honey? You look worried.”
“Well, yeah. I didn’t sleep so well, and I am a little worried. A little scared I guess too.” Eli shifted in his chair and leaned toward her with his elbows on the table. “I need to tell you something, and I haven’t had a girlfriend before… or almost girlfriend? I hate labels. Anyway, it’s… I don’t know exactly how to say it or how you’ll take it and yeah. I’m worried.”
Okay, so this felt like the “I already have a girlfriend” talk, but Eli just said he didn’t, so….
“Maybe you should just tell me, and we’ll go from there.”
“Okay.” He was working his fingers together pretty hard on the table and was obviously nervous. “So, what I wanted to tell you—” He cleared his throat, and it seemed like it was hard for him to meet her eyes, but he did it. “I need to tell you that I am transgender.”
Okay. Okay. So. Okay. It totally wasn’t cool to type that into her phone to make sure that it meant what she thought it meant, right? Right. Okay. So, be calm and cool and breathe and think and don’t seem stupid. “So, that means you…?”
Did it mean Eli wanted to be a girl? Or that Eli was a girl? Or that he wanted to wear dresses? God, why couldn’t you think at Google and get answers in an earbud?
Eli exhaled heavily. “Okay. So, for me, that means I was born a girl, but it didn’t… feel right to me. I guess? I feel like a boy. I just… know I was meant to be a boy. It’s this thing called gender dysphoria. I’ve been living as a boy for almost two years.”
So… dysphoria sounded like a disease, right? But what if it wasn’t? She didn’t want Eli to feel like a freak, but what if it was?
God, why couldn’t he have just told her over a text so she could know what she felt without having to be all calm and shit?
“You make a good boy. I never would have guessed.” That was a good thing to say, right? Oh, please God, let her just get through this so she could go home. She didn’t want to hurt Eli, not for anything, but she didn’t want to do this, either.
At some point, she could go back to knowing what to do all the time again, right?
Eli tilted his head at her. “Uh. Thanks. Yeah. Thank you.” He seemed a lot more comfortable with the silence than she was. He picked up his coffee and took a sip, put it down gently. “You can ask me anything, you know. I mean anything you want. It won’t be rude or weird, I promise. I’m used to it. And I can pretty much guarantee you’re not going to ask something I haven’t been asked before.”
Right, because that was going to happen. She didn’t even know where to start, and God knew, she’d messed everything up with her daddy. She wasn’t good at… whatever this was. How could she be expected to be good at something that didn’t even have a name?
Help me, Momma. Please. “So, I’m guessing no one at school knows?”
“All my teachers know. My parents and Doc—uh, my therapist—said we had to tell the school. Erik… figured it out. I don’t think anyone else knows unless they’ve guessed.” Eli shrugged. “I know a couple of kids think I’m gay.”
Okay, but wasn’t he? If he was a girl? God, her head hurt. “I’m glad Erik wasn’t mean.”
“No, no. He was seriously cool.”
Wait. If Erik knew, then Mari knew. Why didn’t Mari tell her? She tried to grab her coffee, but her hands were shaking, and she spilled some on the table. “Oh God. Let me get some wet paper towels.”
She hurried up to the counter where the barista was waiting with a damp rag. “Did you burn yourself?”
“No. No, it’s not too bad. Thank you.” She hurried back to mop off. “God, I’m a klutz. I’m sorry. I didn’t get you, did I?”
Eli covered her hands and the rag with his hands. “No. It’s okay, Sammy. I got this. You sit.”
Please, God, don’t let me cry. Please. Please, just let me not cry and then…. She didn’t know what she might have to offer that God would even care about. Still, she didn’t burst into tears, so someone heard her. “I feel like a derp. Sorry.”
Eli finished mopping up, and the barista came over with a dry rag and took the wet one.
“Thanks.” Eli dried the table off and handed the towel back again.
“You all good, here?”
“Yeah. Seriously, thank you.”
“No problem.”
Eli sat slowly. “You have nothing to apologize for, Sammy. Okay?” She caught him starting to reach for her hand again, but then he pulled it back. “You… want me to go? I mean I get it if you just want to think about it or whatever. It’s a lot, I know.”
“We should finish our coffees and talk about costumes.” She knew that running was bad. That whole we
irdness with Daddy’d proven that. She just needed to be cool until it was over. Then she could go home and hide.
“Well, okay, but can I just say one thing? I just need you to know that I’m sorry I kissed you. I mean—I’m not sorry about kissing you, that was amazing and perfect, but I’m sorry I didn’t do this first so you knew before… so you had a choice, I guess. I wasn’t tricking you or, like, lying on purpose. I didn’t mean to do this all backwards. That was just such a perfect moment, I didn’t think…. So. Yeah, that’s it.”
That was so perfectly Eli that she had to laugh. “It was perfect. Last night was the best night ever.”
And she was glad she hadn’t known. She’d felt like she had understood the rules, like she’d been a princess for a second, and she wanted to keep that, because no matter what, she didn’t understand the rules, not anymore.
“Seriously, the best night of my whole life. For real.” That shy smile was Eli all over too.
She smiled at him and managed a sip of her coffee this time. This was like…. No. It wasn’t like anything. She just needed to be cool. She just needed to keep it together.
Smile like I know what I’m doing, right, Momma?
“So, costumes? You still want to do steampunk?”
Sammy was beginning to think everything was a costume, that this whole place was just a play, and nothing was like it seemed. If figuring that out was being a grown-up, no wonder everyone was so unhappy.
“Yeah.” Eli sipped his coffee. “I have a gajillion ideas. I was thinking maybe a steampunk pirate. So, like a top hat instead of a pirate hat but a long pirate coat or something, oh! And a mechanical-looking eye patch. Like, with a gear or something on it.”
“That would be cool. You’ll have to get pirate boots and weird little coins or a map or something.”
She could do this. She could be a good person until she got home. Then she’d have to spend some time in her room figuring out what to do next.
“What about you? You could be a sparkly steampunk Tinker Bell.” Eli grinned and laughed.
“I’m not blonde enough for that. I think I’m going to go with cheerleader, though. I have all the uniforms.”
“Sure, sounds great. Hm. Still going to make the pom-poms out of springs? Add leather maybe? Or tassels with chains or something. Hm.”
They’d talked for about half an hour when her daddy’s car pulled up. “He’s here. You want a ride home? I bet he’d take you so you can stay dry.”
“Thank you, really. But I’m going to finish my coffee and maybe read for a while. Not ready to go home.”
“You sure? It’s cold out there.” She got her trash together when he nodded. “Be careful going home. I’ll text you later?”
“That would be great.” He stood up when she did. “And I meant it when I said you can ask me anything. Anything at all, okay? I want you to understand, you know? Text or ask or… whatever.”
She hugged him quick and kissed his cheek. “My turn to buy coffee next time, huh?”
Sammy waved and headed out, weirdly grateful it was raining hard enough to drench her before she got to the car.
“Hey, you. Seat belt,” Daddy said, looking out his window and pulling out of the parking space. “God, this weather is the worst.”
“Yessir.” She pulled the seat belt around her. “Did Jian get off okay?”
“Yes, after complaining endlessly all the way to the station about his hair.” He looked at Sammy. “It’s short. How much damage can the rain really do?”
“I don’t know, Daddy. Maybe it’s acid rain. You know, smog and stuff.”
Daddy snorted and shook his head. “Yeah, that must be it. How was coffee? How is Eli?”
“Fine. We had caramel. I spilled mine some.”
“Oh, bummer. Well, okay so, you’re going to work on your audition for tomorrow? There’s no furniture in that back living room yet. You could practice in there since the weather sucks.”
Oh. Oh, she’d forgotten about the tryouts. She didn’t know what to do. What if the girls were like back home? She could just imagine if Sandy and Brianna and them had found out about Eli. They hadn’t even called her or texted since she left. Cheerleaders had to date football players. There wasn’t a choice. What if she made the team and they had those unwritten rules? What if…? What if she didn’t make it?
“I don’t know, Daddy. I have a little bit of a headache.”
Daddy pulled into the driveway, turned off the car, and then turned to look at her. “Hang on. What’s the matter?”
She couldn’t meet his eyes; she just shook her head. “Nothing. I just… I have stuff to think about.”
“If you want to talk, you know I’ll listen. Must be some heavy stuff if you’re willing to risk your audition. You’ve been so excited.”
“Yeah. I know. I-I need to go upstairs and think, Daddy. I don’t know what to do.” She sat there, watching the rain pounding on the windshield. “Do you ever wish you could just drive? Like just go?”
“Just drive off and leave responsibility in the dust? Not have to deal with things? I have, sure. But dealing with things is kind of the point, you know? Learning, changing, loving people. What else is all of this about?”
“I don’t know.” She tried to breathe, but it was like she couldn’t. She couldn’t do this anymore. “I want to go home.”
She reached out blindly, needing something to hold on to for a second.
Daddy caught her hand in his. “Sammy?”
“Daddy.” She held on for a second, her chest hurting so bad she thought she might just die, but of course, it didn’t happen. The rain kept falling, and she kept breathing. Dammit. “Sorry.”
“Sweetheart, let’s get you inside, okay? You just stay there. I’ll come around with my umbrella.” Daddy did just what he said, came around to get her and got her inside. He took her right up to her room, sat her on the end of her bed, and then he sat with her.
“We don’t have to talk. That’s fine, I understand. I’m just going to sit here with you for a bit and make sure you’re okay. Is that all right?” He put his arm around her shoulders.
She leaned into his chest and started to cry. She wasn’t okay. She didn’t even know how to start being okay.
Daddy petted her hair, he rubbed her back, he’d kiss the top of her head every once in a while, but he didn’t say anything, and he didn’t ask anything, either. He was just there, being strong and warm. Being real.
“Eli’s a girl, Daddy.” What was she supposed to do? What did that mean? Was she gay? Was Eli? Could they really be boyfriend and girlfriend? What if people found out? What was she supposed to do?
“Oh.” Daddy drew the word out like you did when you suddenly figured something out. He rubbed her back again. “I gotta be honest, sweetheart; I’d guessed about Eli. After the dance I even talked to his parents because… I figured I’m queer, so. I guess I wanted to see what I could do to be supportive. They’re great people. I didn’t ask questions, because it’s not my business, okay? I’m sure Eli will tell you whatever you want to know. But listen. The important thing is that Eli isn’t a girl, sweetheart. He’s a trans boy. Eli is a boy.”
She didn’t even know how that worked. Did you just get to say you were a boy and you were? Did you get to have sex? Who wanted to go into a boy’s bathroom on purpose?
“I guess I said it wrong.” Life was easier in Georgetown. People were just what they said they were, weren’t they? Here, things were complicated. “Sorry.”
See, Momma? See me not overreacting? See how I’m keeping my mouth shut and not getting into any more trouble? What’s that saying? Better to close your mouth and look like an idiot rather than open it and remove all doubt?
She felt like her head was wrapped in cotton.
“It’s okay; it’s confusing. But I’m glad he told you. It’s good that he trusts you.”
“Uh-huh. I was nice.” She didn’t want anyone to be mad at her.
“I’m sure. You’r
e a good friend. But? Tell me. Did that upset you? Scare you?”
“It made me… I don’t know. Tired? Am I the only person up here that’s just what I am? It’s like Momma died, and suddenly I’m weird.”
“We’re all just what we are, Sammy. You’re not weird, you’re just different. I’m different. Eli’s different. Here, it’s okay to be different—it’s safe to be out and open and who we are. Some places, like where you grew up, it’s not so safe, you know? I mean, that’s what you meant when I told you I was gay, and you said you’d keep my secret? That was because back ho—back where you grew up, you don’t tell people you’re gay. I mean, not just anyone, am I right?”
Sammy nodded. She hadn’t known anybody gay. People talked, sure, but she hadn’t known anyone different from her. “I don’t think I can go try out for the dance squad, Daddy. I may not know anything about anything, but I know cheer people. Mean girls are mean.”
And she’d have to make a choice. If she didn’t try out, she wouldn’t have to worry about it.
Daddy sighed. “Sammy, I haven’t put my foot down about anything since the minute you moved in with me, but I’m putting my foot down now. You’re going to those tryouts. It’s as much a chance for you to get to know them as it is for them to get to know you. Meet the girls before you make assumptions. Maybe you’re right. But maybe you’re not.”
“No. I can’t. I’m tired of… everything. I’d just thought things were going to be okay, and now I don’t know again. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying.” Daddy had to understand. She didn’t think she could do this anymore.
“So, you want to go home. Back to Texas? Why, Sammy? Tired of trying… to what?”
“I don’t even know. I don’t know if Texas is home. I don’t know! Don’t you understand? I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to make things right. This is all Momma’s fault! She left me like I didn’t mean anything! She didn’t even…. She just left me!” Suddenly, Sammy was screaming, so furious that she couldn’t even see.
“Sammy!” Daddy’s voice boomed over hers. She could feel his hands tight around her shoulders. “Sammy, hey!”