by Anne Key
“I miss you.” Aunt Franny was Texas—down to the bluebonnet tattoo you could only see when she wore her swimsuit.
No wonder you loved her, Momma. She’s home.
“I miss you, baby girl, but your daddy deserves to learn how to be a daddy without an old woman interfering. You can always call me, though. Or text.” Aunt Franny’s voice got all rough, and Sammy looked up.
“Are you crying?”
“Don’t be stupid. I never cry. I am the ice queen and quite possibly the meanest woman in the entire world. I’m exhausted and pondering drinking the rest of this bottle of wine.”
“Go ahead. Jian will just bring more when he comes next.”
Aunt Franny laughed. “Sounds like I’d like him.”
“How long are you staying?”
“Hadn’t even thought about it. But I cleared my calendar for tomorrow, and heaven knows I could use a day off. So, maybe Thursday?”
“You’ll get to meet Eli. He’s bringing me my homework tomorrow after school.”
“Look forward to it. And when are you going back to school?”
“Thursday. I promise. I wasn’t being evil.” She’d just had enough.
“Remember, let it out in little spurts, honey. It’s better for you.”
Sammy yawned. “Uh-huh.” She suddenly felt so tired.
“I changed your sheets and cracked your window for some air. Up you go. Tomorrow, we’ll watch a movie and eat popcorn in our jammies.”
“I love you, Aunt Franny. Lots.” She kissed Frances on the cheek, then headed up, stopping at Daddy’s door. “I love you, Daddy.”
She was almost to her room when she heard her daddy answer, “Love you too, sweetheart.”
“Good.” She got into her bed, grabbing her laptop on the way. She had to figure this out.
Sammy opened up Google, typed in transgender, and got everything from bathroom to surgery to celebs.
Transgender men. Okay. That was it.
She clicked and there were all these pictures of men that were pregnant and men that were mostly naked and she wasn’t sure she was ready to see that, so she clicked on this one link about the eight biggest misconceptions and that didn’t help because the thought of someone cutting off her boobs made her want to scream.
Okay.
Okay.
There had to be a beginner’s site or a Dummies book about this. There had to be.
Her phone chimed and she picked it up.
Helloooooo Sammy! r u EVER going to call me again? been DAYS, girl
Lacey. She made a face. It had been forever. Like, two days, maybe even three. But did she even want talk to Lacey right now? It was late; she could get away with saying she was asleep. But….
Been sick like whoa. I can call now if we’re QUIET
I can do quiet. Well I can try, anyway :D
She chuckled and put on her earpiece deal, made sure it was synced, then she called, still clicking away. Oh. Oh dude. Peen. She wasn’t ready to look at prosthetic penises.
She hadn’t been super ready to have to touch it either, if she was honest. A noninterchangeable one.
“What kind of plague have you got?” Lacey stage-whispered in her ear.
“I think I had a breakdown. Like the whole thing. Aunt Franny came.”
She clicked on one site and all these surgery names came up. Oh dear God.
Okay, focus.
There had to be something not scary on here, right?
“Did you have to go to the looney bin?”
“I don’t know that they have looney bins here. I just yelled and cried a lot. Get over yourself.”
“Whoa, okay. No joking. Fine. So, it was bad enough your aunt had to come up to see you? What happened? Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I— So I met this guy, Eli. He’s special.”
“Like ‘short bus’ special or ‘y’all did it’ special?”
She rolled her eyes, but she giggled because even though it wasn’t funny, it was funny. “Like ‘we’re going together’ special.”
“Oh, I can’t wait to tell everyone. Is he cute?”
“He is. I’ll send you a picture tomorrow.” And suddenly, she knew she couldn’t tell Lacey. It was a secret, and if she told Lace, then Lace would tell everyone.
“Wait? Is this the same guy you went with to the homecoming dance? The Best Night Ever guy?”
She typed “dating a transman” into the search box and hit Enter. What popped up looked much more promising. She smiled. “Yeah. Same guy.” And it still was the best night ever, even if things got complicated after.
She clicked on a link that said there were twelve things she should know, and some of those things were way more helpful. Number one: Dating a transman doesn’t mean you’re gay.
Oh.
Oh, that helped.
She didn’t have a problem with gay, but she wasn’t. She thought guys were hot. She thought Tyler Hubbard was hot. She thought Eli was hot.
“Are you even listening to me, Sammy?”
“Sorry. Sorry, honey. I am wore to the bone. Go again.”
“So, why did you freak?”
“I think because of my mom, you know? I miss her. Bad. And I’m stressed, and she’s not here.” It was mostly true. Maybe even true like whoa. She didn’t think Momma would have let her date Eli, though.
He’s good, though, Momma. Real good and he’s nice to me. I think, I think you would have had to understand.
“I know. I wish I knew—” Lacey sighed. “I wish I knew how to help. But you don’t need to be stressed, honey. You’re all over this dating thing, right? It’s not hard.”
She muted her phone as quick as she could and started laughing, deep and hard, the release sudden and stupid and utterly right.
God, hard. This was hard, and at some point, the whole hard thing was going to have to… to come up.
She was totally going to hell.
The soft knock at her door interrupted her. “Sammy, you okay?”
“Uh-huh. I just… I just needed a laugh, you know? Like a for-real laugh.”
She heard Daddy laugh a little himself on the other side of her door. “Feel better?”
“I do.” It was as absurd as it was true.
“You need some real sleep too, sweetheart. Okay?”
Did we get cut off?
Daddy’s here. Shh “Yes, sir. I love you. Sorry if I woke you up.”
“You didn’t. I should be sleeping too, and I’m not. I love you, Sammy. Good night.”
Gotta go. Love you. TTYL She stood up and followed him, right to the door of his room. “Hey. Can I come in?”
Daddy looked surprised, but he smiled. “Yeah. Of course, come sit.” He patted the bed next to him. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to sit with you.” She’d been mean, she’d been crazy, and she felt bad about it.
“I would love that.” Daddy patted the bed again and waved her over. He pulled his thick comforter up over her knees once she was comfy and handed her the remote. “There’s nothing on at this crazy hour. It’s even too late for late-night talk shows.”
“You remember when I was little, Daddy? I do. You used to sing to me, sometimes, on the phone.” She leaned against him, bone-tired.
“I remember.” Daddy hooked an arm around her shoulders. “You liked those nursery rhymes. I can barely remember them anymore. Oh, but you liked the one my mom used to sing to me.” He rubbed her arm and sang, softly in his deep voice, “I see the moon, the moon sees me….”
She sighed and smiled, her eyelids going heavy, humming along with him.
Silly, she supposed, but sometimes a girl just needed to know her daddy was there, singing her to sleep.
She’d figure everything else out tomorrow.
Chapter 18
DAD HAD warned him girls were complicated. Eli had kinda thought Sammy was different, but three days after he’d come out to her, he was starting to understand what his dad had been talking about. Despi
te being afraid of how she’d react, he’d been able to say everything he wanted to say, and she was kind to him, but he knew. He knew he’d come up against something in her, and that she hadn’t really taken it very well.
That would have been okay. He knew she was going to have to think about it, except that she said she’d text him later and she didn’t, so he’d started to worry. Then she didn’t show up to school on Monday, and he was definitely worried. And on Tuesday, when Mari said she hadn’t heard from Sammy, either? That was when he got really worried, and he decided he couldn’t wait for her to text him first anymore.
But here he was today, packing up her homework into his backpack and heading to her house, and he really had the impression she wanted him to come. He was still worried; he just wasn’t sure exactly what he should be worried about.
It was beautiful and chilly, but the sun was warm on his face. He slowed his skateboard on the sidewalk outside her house, picked it up, and headed up the walk. He was hoping for the best. Or at least good.
He’d even take not horrible. Seriously.
She opened the door before he even got to the steps. “Eli! You came.”
As soon as he saw her, he could tell she’d been sick. She looked drawn and pale, no makeup on at all. Her little sweatshirt had sequins on it, though, so it was his Sammy.
He set his skateboard down at the bottom of the porch steps and hurried up them. “Hey! I said I would. I have some homework for you.” He stopped a couple of feet away, not sure how close he should get—how close she wanted him to get. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yes.” She came down and hugged him, and that dull panic inside him eased up even more. “It’s cold. Come in? My aunt from Texas is here hanging out with me.”
He hugged her back, holding on just that one second too long, just to see if it was awkward, but it wasn’t. Okay, so that was good. That was really good. “Oh, cool. More Texans.” He winked at her and followed her inside.
“Shut up.” She took his hand and led him in. “Aunt Franny? This is Eli. Eli, Aunt Franny. Do you want some cocoa or anything?”
This tall woman stood up, towering over both of them like… like Miss Trunchbull from Matilda, but smiling and with big hair.
Eli dumped his backpack and stepped forward. Having learned from Sammy that Texans were very polite, he extended his hand to Sammy’s aunt. “Nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you too, son. Sammy’s told me that y’all are dating now.”
Oh, wow. Okay. Eli glanced at Sammy and smiled. “I’m… really happy to hear that. I mean, happy she told you. I’m really lucky.” God, was he ever.
“You are. She’s a special girl. Go on to the kitchen, y’all. I’m going to check my emails.”
“Cocoa does sound good.” Eli couldn’t escape fast enough. He took Sammy by the hand and pulled her all the way into the kitchen. “So, we’re dating? Or still dating? Even though…?”
“I hope we are. I sorta… I just lost it a little, not about you, about everything.” Sammy blushed dark, but she held his gaze. “I hit my daddy and screamed and stuff, and then I slept for two days.”
Not about him, or not just about him? “Wow.” Oh, his dad was so right. Girls were complicated and sometimes crazy. “Are you okay?”
“I think so. I mean, I’m sure trying to be. Sometimes, it’s hard to process everything.”
“Yeah, I get that. My mom says to focus on the important things first.” Eli opened a couple of cabinets and found the cocoa, not worrying that it wasn’t his house. An important talk needed chocolate.
Sammy grabbed mugs and the milk. “Right. Aunt Franny said not to hold everything in so long, to let it out in bits.”
“Sure. Like letting the air out of a, you know, a bottle of soda somebody shook up. Stove or microwave?”
“Microwave, huh? It’ll be faster. We have some cookies. You want some?”
“Maybe just one. Sadly, I still have the metabolism of a sixteen-year-old girl.” Eli winked.
“You and me both.” Sammy bumped their shoulders together. “Is that okay to say? I wouldn’t hurt your feelings for anything.”
“Yep. Totally okay—as long as it’s just us. I know how you feel about the whole lying thing, but this is one secret I have to ask you to keep for me. Is that okay?”
“I will. I promise. Even if I wasn’t your girlfriend, I’d still be your friend.”
The microwave beeped, but Eli ignored it. “But you are my girlfriend.” He tangled his fingers in hers and kissed her on the cheek.
“Yeah, Eli. I am.” She leaned against him for a second. He’d been worried she wasn’t going to want to touch him ever again, but she was right there.
Part of him couldn’t believe it, but part of him had known it all along. He’d known she was different since the moment he’d met her, that she knew what it was like to not… fit. And now she was willing to figure out how they fit together. Eli was an expert on being him, but he had no idea what they looked like.
“You know I really want to kiss you right now, don’t you?”
“I do. You do?” She looked up at him. “I don’t even have my hair fixed or my eyes done.”
“So, you’re a little less sparkly. You still smell amazing.”
She leaned in and just kissed him, soft and sweet, breathing with him. “Thank you, Eli.”
“I have no clue what I did, but you’re welcome.” He ran a hand through her hair and kissed her back gently. “I’m supposed to be thanking you.”
Eli was stunned. Six months ago, he would have told anyone who asked—and had—that this was impossible for him. Just… impossible. Six months ago, he couldn’t keep a friend, never mind a girlfriend. He felt like he’d been living his life in shades of gray all this time. And somehow, like Dorothy, he’d just woken up in Oz. Everything was suddenly in bright, bright color. Sammy knew his secret, and she was kissing him anyway, for real, right here in her kitchen.
Oh boy.
He was kissing Sammy in her kitchen. Her dad’s kitchen. “Cocoa.” He pulled away slowly, but he definitely didn’t want to go too far. “We, uh… I have some homework in my bag for you.” He opened up the microwave and handed her a mug.
“Ew. Homework. I’ll be busy tonight. Do you like lots of chocolate or just normal?”
“Lots. I didn’t have coffee today.”
She fixed his cup, being generous with the chocolate.
“I’m sure they’ll be cool if you don’t get caught up by tomorrow. You look like you need some sleep.”
“It’s been a rough few days, but I’m feeling more like myself.” She made her mug next, whistling under her breath, dancing and swaying side to side. Always dancing. His girlfriend was always dancing.
“You’re home early. Sammy said you usually catch a rush hour train.” That was Sammy’s Aunt Franny’s voice, and then Eli heard Mr. Moore groan.
“Early, shoot—I left here at 5:00 a.m. My day is so over.”
“Eli is here. They’re in the kitchen.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Hey, you guys!” Mr. Moore shouted.
Sammy giggled softly, rolled her eyes, and whispered, “Silly man,” before hollering back, “Hey, Mister Daddy! You want cocoa? I’m making some.”
“No thank you, sweetheart, but maybe you could find me a beer in the fridge?”
“Seth.”
“What? I’m not going in that kitchen.”
Eli’s eyes went wide, and they both started giggling just like mad fiends.
“Let me get him his beer, Eli. I’ll be right back.”
He moved to the big island where he could see Mr. Moore hanging up his coat in an armoire near the door. Sammy snuck up behind him and stuck the cold beer on his neck.
“Hey!” Mr. Moore laughed and as he spun around, he lifted Sammy right off the floor. He was laughing when he set her down. “Look who’s out of bed.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m
sorry, huh? I just….”
“Shh. We’ll talk later. You have company.”
“Right. Eli brought me my homework. We’re having cocoa.” She looked over her shoulder, her messy ponytail bobbing as she smiled at him.
“Hey, Mr. Moore.” Eli raised his mug from the kitchen doorway.
“Hi, Eli. Nice to see you.” Mr. Moore gave Sammy a little scootch. “Go on, Sammy.”
Eli moved back to the little kitchen table, which didn’t have a view of the living room, thank goodness, and took a seat. Sammy joined him.
“So, is it bad, the homework? Am I going to be drowning?”
“Well, She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named told me you missed a Lit quiz, and you have an essay due Friday, but otherwise you should be able to catch up over the weekend. I told everyone in science and drama and history that you were sick. The science project assigned on Monday isn’t due for two weeks, and we have to pair up anyway, so if you want to be my partner, you’ll be golden. I started that last night.” He grinned and then sipped his cocoa.
“I can totally be your partner. Totally.” She chuckled softly and took a sip of her cocoa, ending with a little chocolate mustache.
“Thought you might be into that.” He pointed. “You have a… wait. Hang on.” He took a sip of his cocoa and gave himself a mustache, too, then pulled out his phone and scooted closer to her. “Mustache selfie? Or are you weird like my mom and won’t take a picture without your face on?”
She snorted and leaned close. “Do it!”
“Say cheese!” Eli didn’t actually wait for her to say cheese. He just took the picture before their mustaches disappeared. Then he rested his phone on the table and looked at the picture. “Hey, we’re cute. I’ll text it to you.”
“Cool, let me see?” He held the phone up, and she grinned. “Adorable.”
“See? Told you.” He sent the text before he forgot. “Oh, other things you missed. Mari said to tell you that you owe her a phone call, and for some reason Erik was annoyed that I told you he knew before you did.” He grinned at Sammy.
“So, does Mari know too?”
“No. Or, well, I asked Erik not to tell her, so I hope not. I mean, honestly? Since we’re together now I kind of feel like you have a say in who knows too. Is that weird? I mean she’s our friend, not just mine.”