by Jen Wilde
Jamie and I sit across from each other silently. I massage my fingers in my lap and keep my eyes on my hands. When I finally look up, he’s watching me, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “You didn’t tell Charlie,” he says.
I swallow. “I didn’t know if you wanted me to or not.”
His eyebrows lift. “Why wouldn’t I want you to?”
My eyes drop back to my hands, which are beginning to sweat. “Lots of reasons. We’re best friends, for one.”
He leans forward over the table and opens his hands to me. “So?”
I shrug. “So, why tell Charlie about something that maybe shouldn’t have happened?”
He sinks back in the seat, wounded. “You don’t think it should have happened?”
“Do you think it should have happened?”
“I asked you first,” he says, then sighs. “Yes. I think it should have happened. I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t want to.”
The tears are coming, but I push them back. “But aren’t you scared?”
“Of what?”
“The future? What could happen? All the ways this could go wrong?”
He chews on the inner corner of his mouth and thinks. “I guess. I haven’t really thought that far ahead. But I’m more afraid of never knowing how awesome it would be … to be with you.”
Oh God. I’ve completely misinterpreted this. I rest my elbows on the table and drop my head in my hands.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, reaching over and placing a hand on my arm.
I sigh. “Everything is changing. This”—I point from me to him—“this was my safe place. Our friendship is one of the few parts of my life that is comfortable and easy and free. And now this has changed, too. From now on, it’s all going to be uncertain and new and just, changed.”
He looks at me with concern. “But, it’s good change, right?”
I think for a beat. “I always thought it would be. But it’s been less than an hour since we kissed, and I’ve already screwed up.”
“Hey,” he says sternly. “You haven’t screwed anything up.”
A group of teenage boys burst into the diner, filling the room with banter and laughter. They squeeze into the booth directly behind me, and I shrink under their loud presence. I drop my hands onto the table and stare at Jamie, trying to get my mind straight.
He glances disapprovingly at the boys behind me. “Do you want to switch tables?”
I shake my head. I don’t want to switch tables. I want to go home.
“This is all too much,” I say, just as someone behind me says something funny and their whole table roars with laughter. Everything is loud. I feel like a train is barreling toward me, lights blinding me, sound deafening me. I can’t think.
“Sorry? I can’t hear you,” Jamie says.
“It’s too much!” I yell. I slide out of the booth and walk out of the diner just as Charlie is coming back in.
“Tay?” she says as I walk past her. “Where are you going?”
“Hotel,” I snap, then immediately regret it.
She starts to follow. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say, feeling my mouth begin to dip into a frown as the tears threaten to spill. “Tell Jamie I’m sorry.”
I speed-walk away from her, fumbling in my pocket to find my headphones as I push through the crowds. I rush back to our hotel room and slide my key card into the door. The moment I’m safely inside and finally alone, I let the tears come. I try not to think, because I know any thoughts I have will be cruel and only make me melt down faster. I rip off my coat and throw it on the bed, then proceed to tear off all my other clothes, too. I pick up my suitcase and go into the bathroom, lock the door, and turn the shower on. Before I step under the water, I switch off the lights.
The darkness envelops me and I exhale, feeling my shoulders relax instantly. I carefully step into the shower, close the door, and sit down under the stream, closing my eyes and leaning my forehead against the tiled wall. The hot water washes away my tears and my tension, and I wait until I can breathe again.
I lose track of time, but when my heart is calmer and my mind clearer, I turn off the water and wrap a towel around myself. I pull a fresh pair of jeans and a black T-shirt that says STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER out of my case and get dressed, all the while wondering how I’m going to fix the mess I made.
When I leave the bathroom, the sun is setting out the window and Charlie is sitting on her bed, watching Entertainment Now. She gives me an uncertain smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
She pats the space next to her, and I sit down. “They’re about to show us running through the maze.”
I look at the screen and see Charlie and Reese start running. Jamie and I aren’t shown. Even though it was only a couple of hours ago, everything was different then. Simpler.
Charlie puts it on mute and turns to face me. “Are you okay?”
I keep my eyes on the TV. “You don’t have to mute it. This is a big deal. We should watch it.”
“My parents will record it. Plus, YouTube is a thing. Don’t change the subject.”
I side-eye her. “I’m fine.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Mhmm. Except that you’re not.”
I glance around the room. “Where’s Jamie?”
“Down at the con doing some serious retail therapy. He’s going to need another bookshelf in his room for all the Marvel comics he’s buying right now.” She forces a laugh, then turns serious. “He didn’t want to come up. He thinks you’re mad at him.”
I scoff. “Why would I be mad at him?”
“He thinks you felt pressured to kiss him. That you didn’t really want to do it. Is that true?”
My eyes pop out of my face, and I shake my head adamantly. “No! No. I didn’t feel pressured at all. Are you kidding? I’ve been wanting him to kiss me for four years!”
“I know that. But he doesn’t. He feels horrible.”
I drop my face into my hands and groan. “I feel horrible. I thought … I got confused. I thought he thought it was just a kiss, then I thought of how he’s going to UCLA, and I might not get in, and even if I do, am I brave enough to move to another country? And he’s had girlfriends and dates before, and I haven’t, so I don’t know what I’m doing. Then on top of all that, I thought he was mad at me for not telling you after we kissed.” I suck in a deep breath through my teeth.
Charlie rubs my back. “He’s not mad at you, Tay. He’s in love with you.”
My head snaps up, and I look her in the eyes. “He told you that?”
She smirks. “He doesn’t need to tell me. It’s been pretty obvious for a while. He’s crazy about you.”
I smile like an idiot. Then frown like an even bigger idiot. “Do you think I’ve screwed this up?”
“What? You and Jamie? Not a chance. You guys have practically been a couple for years, just without the fun stuff.” She winks at me and nudges my shoulder, and I blush.
“I just,” I say, biting my bottom lip. “I just don’t know if I’m going to be good at any of it.”
Charlie holds back a giggle. “At what? Sex?”
I gasp. “What? No! At being a girlfriend!”
She laughs. “Oh. What do you mean?”
I rub a hand over the back of my head, trying to figure out how to explain it. “Like, sometimes I don’t think I’m being a girl right. I have an undercut and wear clothes I’ve bought from the boys’ section, and I don’t wear makeup or do my nails. I watch horror movies and play video games and burp and swear and don’t talk about my feelings or any of that crap. I’m like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, only before the makeover.”
“So?” Charlie shrugs. “Gracie Hart rocks. Besides, there’s no one way to be a girl, Tay. You don’t need to fit yourself into what society tells us a girl should be. Girls can be whoever they want. Whether that’s an ass-kicking, sarcastic, crime-solving FBI agent o
r a funny, gorgeous, witty beauty queen—or both at the same time.” She swings an arm around me and pulls me in. “Are you happy the way you are? Are you comfortable? Do you feel like yourself?”
The corner of my mouth lifts into a half smile. “Yes. Yes. And yes.”
“Then that’s all that matters. Fuck everything else.” She thinks for a moment. “Are you really worried you won’t be a good girlfriend?”
I hold my hands up. “I seriously have no clue what I’m doing.”
“News flash,” she says with a laugh. “Neither does Jamie. Sure, he’s had dates and a girlfriend before, but this is you guys! It’s different and new for both of you. Besides, one of the special parts of new relationships is that you get to figure it out together. But you’ll never be able to figure anything out if you don’t talk to each other.”
I nod. “What do you think about all this? About me and Jamie?”
Her head dips back and she laughs. “Dude, you guys have been my OTP for, like, a year.”
Just then the door opens and Jamie walks in, albeit a little hesitantly.
Charlie waves at him. “Speak of the geek.”
“Sorry,” he says as he starts going through his backpack. “I just need my phone charger. I’ll just be a sec—” He sees that I’ve been crying, and it’s like I can see his heart break. “Is that because of me?”
I wipe my tears. “No. It’s because of me.” I turn away. “Don’t look. I don’t want you to see my messiness.” I hate crying in front of people.
Charlie hands me a tissue from the box on the bedside table. “We’re all messy. What kind of friends would we be if we demanded you only show us your prettiness? This isn’t Instagram—it’s real life. And real life is messy.”
“It’s okay,” Jamie says. I turn around as he pulls his charger out and stands up. “I’ll go.”
“No!” Charlie and I both say at the same time.
Charlie stands up. “I’ll go.” She gives me a stern look. “You two need to talk.”
Jamie looks at me. “Are you sure?”
“Jamie,” I say. “It’s fine. Stay. Sit.”
Charlie leaves, and Jamie comes and sits next to me, launching into an apology.
I hold up my hand to stop him. “Don’t apologize. I didn’t feel pressured to kiss you.” I focus my gaze on the floor and suck in a breath. “I wanted to kiss you. I only freaked out because I misread a few things and thought it meant nothing to you, and that just led me into a spiral of anxiety and a teeny bit of a meltdown. It’s no one’s fault. It just happens sometimes. This has been a big few days for me, a lot of stuff to process. But I’m all right.”
Out of the corner of my eye I see him watching me. “So”—he breathes—“you’re not pissed at me?”
“No.”
“You wanted to kiss me, too?”
“Yes.”
His shoulders drop in relief. “Good. You’re hard to read, you know.”
I dip my head back and laugh. “I’m hard to read? The whole freaking world is hard to read.”
He laughs. “I’m glad you’re all right. And for the record”—he leans sideways and nudges my shoulder with his—“that kiss wasn’t nothing to me. It was everything.”
I nudge him back. “It was pretty everything to me, too.”
He lowers his head and looks me in the eyes, raising his eyebrows as if he’s surprised.
I smirk. “So, there’s that.”
He smiles, nodding slowly. “There’s that.”
CHAPTER 22
CHARLIE
I leave Tay and Jamie in the hotel room, smiling to myself. I’ve been waiting for them to get it together and realize they’re head over heels for each other. I don’t know how much longer I could have watched their incessant Ross-Rachel, will they/won’t they storyline unfold without doing something drastic. I turn the corner toward the elevators and almost walk right into Alyssa.
“Oh! Hey! What are you doing here?”
She looks at her watch. “Ah … don’t we have a date? Am I early?”
I slap a hand to my forehead. “Shit! I’m so sorry. I forgot.”
She recoils slightly, and I can see I’ve hurt her. “No, I mean, I didn’t forget. I just lost track of time. Tay, my best friend, she had a bit of a rough moment today, and she needed my help.”
Dressed in skinny jeans, a purple crop top, and matching ankle boots, Alyssa looks like she just stepped off a movie poster.
“You look beautiful,” I say, and immediately feel embarrassed that I said it out loud.
She smiles. “Thank you. You look … dystopian.” Her eyes run over my T-shirt and jeans, spattered with fake blood from the zombie maze.
I look down at my outfit and laugh. “Yeah. I did The Rising live-action experience. It got a bit bloody.”
I try to wipe some of the blood off my arm, but it’s stuck on my skin and clothes like glue. “Um, I can’t really go back to my room to change. Tay and Jamie are sorting some things out in there.”
She waves it off. “All good. You look great just as you are.”
She smiles flirtatiously, and I try not to openly swoon right in front of her. “Are you sure? You’re so … pretty, and I’m all messy.”
She holds a hand out for me. “I don’t mind messy.”
I take her hand, and we walk to the elevator. “Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
We walk the short distance to SupaCon, and she leads me around the back of the main building.
“Isn’t the con closed for the day?” I ask.
She winks and squeezes my hand. “Not for us.”
I follow her inside and down the mazelike aisles until we reach a huge section set up to look like an arcade. A sign above the entrance reads: ARCADIANA.
Alyssa ducks behind a counter, and a second later the games come alive. Lights flash and sounds erupt from the machines, taking me back to my childhood running around arcades with my sisters. I burst into a fit of giggles and can’t stop.
I turn to Alyssa, who’s smiling proudly. “My favorite vlogs of yours are the video game reviews. You always get so hyperactive playing the games—it’s kind of adorable.” She looks around the empty convention hall. “So I pulled some strings so we could come here after hours. All the classics are here.” She glances at me. “Did I do good?”
I give her an excited grin. “You did awesome.”
She smiles wide and pulls a cooler bag from behind the counter. “Here’s something I prepared earlier.” She opens the lid and pulls out a bottle of champagne and two glasses. “Shall we?”
I frown. “I don’t drink. Plus, I’m not legal here. Eighteen, remember?”
“Oh, right.” She puts the bottle back in the cooler and reveals two glass bottles of cola. “Coke?”
“Sure.” I laugh. “You really came prepared.” I scan the arcade, getting more ecstatic with every old-school game I see. I’m in heaven. “Look at all these! Pac-Man. Donkey Kong. TMNT. Tekken. Mario Kart!”
“I know,” she says. “I think I’m drooling.”
“Where do we even start?”
She smirks. “I think I know.”
I follow her gaze to a game in the center row.
I gasp. “Is that a game of The Rising?”
“Yep.”
She moves out from behind the counter and I pull on her hand, and we run toward it.
I marvel at it. “I didn’t know it was going to be an arcade game! I didn’t even know the video game was out yet. Look!” I point to the screen. “It’s me! I’m in a game!”
Alyssa pulls a roll of quarters out of her bag and tears it open. “We gotta play this. Like, right now.” She pops a coin in, and the music starts.
I pull the plastic red handgun out of the holster and get ready. A selection of avatars appear, and I’m thrilled to see I’m one of them. Me. The geek girl from the suburbs of Melbourne. The youngest daughter of Chinese immigrants. The only openly bi kid at school. The drama
freak who makes vlogs in her bedroom.
I’m the hero.
Finally, I feel like the rest of the world is starting to see me the way I’ve always seen myself.
“Oh, this is so cool!” Alyssa says.
“Right?” The game starts, and avatar me is standing in a deserted Sydney street.
Alyssa jumps and points to the left side of the screen. “There’s a zombie!”
I fire, shooting the rotter in the head. My character starts walking forward, her gun in front of her. My heart starts beating faster, but it’s not because of the zombies hiding around every corner.
It’s because Alyssa’s hand is on my lower back. She’s standing so close that I can feel her breath on my neck. A zombie bursts through a broken window and launches at me. I’m so distracted by Alyssa that I shoot in the wrong direction and miss, leaving the zombie plenty of time to attack.
“Aaand I’m dead.”
“Oh, come on, Charlie!” Alyssa shakes her head, suppressing a smile. “You can do better than that.”
“Hey!” I shoot her a mock glare. “You’re making it very hard to concentrate.”
She holds her palms up innocently and gives me a crooked grin. “I’m just standing here.”
“Exactly. You’re very distracting.”
She looks at me with fire in her eyes, and I do what I’ve wanted to do since I first saw her in the hallway earlier.
I put an arm around her and pull her in, crushing my lips into hers. Alyssa doesn’t hold back, sliding her arms around my waist and lifting me off my feet. Her tongue is in my mouth, and she tastes like Coke and sweetness. A zombie screeches through the game, startling us. We both look at the screen just as I get torn to shreds.
Alyssa gives me a sideways glance and smirks. “Oops. I guess that was my fault?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Worth it.”
Round three starts, and I tear myself away from Alyssa and get back into position, ready to kill some zombies. After we both take turns kicking some undead butt, we move on to the classics. She crushes me in Donkey Kong and Need for Speed, but I triumph in Mario Kart and Mortal Kombat. Then we wander hand in hand back over to the counter. I sip my Coke as she pulls a picnic blanket from behind the counter and lays it on the floor in the middle of the arcade.