by Makusr
I was completely confused, too much terrified and extremely anxious. With shivering hands I picked up the phone which was still dangling in the air.
“…mam, are you still on phone”, the voice from the other end came.
“Yes”, I managed with great difficulty.
“His dead body is still lying at the accident spot. It is in bad condition. We are going through our formalities. We are in the process of sending it for the post-mortem. We are…”
The words kept sounding in my ear but I could not understand anything anymore. The phone fell from my hand. My legs became weak. The blood seemed to have drained out of my body. The world around me became like a hazy picture. It kept spinning around my eyes all collapsing and colliding with each other. It swirled and swirled and then nothing, just a calm black hue remained. I was continuously being sucked into that black hole. My senses began to leave me and I could hardly stand on my legs. Trying hard to control myself and keep standing there, I fell on the bed.
*……………………………………………*
Death of Sandeep became a defining event of my life. It clearly decided what I was not to be. It completely changed my personality. I could never give the same love and devotion to anybody as I had given to Sandeep. True love happens just once. You can’t make a Xerox copy of it to distribute to others! It took a long time for me to recover. Not only was I emotionally drained, but I had to be admitted in a hospital. I lay there in coma for two days. When the consciousness came, the only though that occupied my mind rather consumed it, was to commit suicide. I could not imagine of a life without Sandeep. I didn’t want to live without him. I felt emptiness around me. Something deep at the core of my heart churned inside me. I don’t know why, but at that time, a strange feeling seemed to have seized me in its grip. I wished to embark a train which would go on and on. With no stoppage anywhere. No destination, just the journey. I didn’t want to meet anybody or see anybody. Nobody could understand what had happened to me and see what an unfortunate being I was, I could not tell anybody about my loss or share my sorrow except with aunt Vidya. She became a pillar of strength for me. She gave me strength through her words and her advice to begin the life anew. The only thing was that she could not be with me for the first 15 days of my ordeal. She was busy with so many rituals connected with the death. It is a 13 days quite elaborate series of rituals that are performed so that the departed soul could live in peace in the other world. It concludes with a community dinner attended by the friends, relatives and the acquaintances of the deceased. It ends the impurity connected with the death and the deceased family is formally admitted in the society. After the culmination of these rituals and other affairs connected with Sandeep’s death, aunt Vidya came back after a fortnight. Her presence had a soothing effect on me. I could confide in her, cry before her and knew that she understood my loss. One more thing was there. With aunt Vidya around, I felt as if Sandeep himself was present there. When I held her hand, it felt as if I was holding Sandeep’s hand. As the time passed, it unfolded its salient feature which we all are aware of. ‘Time is a great healer’. Gradually the time eased the pain and gave strength to bear the loss. Slowly but surely the life was again coming on rails. The normal activities began to guide the ebb and flow of the life again. I was beginning to stagger back to a life beyond Sandeep and sans him. It seemed that everything was moving in the right direction. Suddenly a great calamity befell me. I missed my ‘periods’. If Sandeep had not come in my life I would not have been concerned. But now I was terrified. I was quite scared. I felt completely destroyed. A thought kept recurring in my mind. Had the seed sown on that fateful night germinated? I confronted aunt Vidya with the problem.
“Aunty I want to ask you something”, I whispered coming into her room.
“What do you want to ask Maya? Everything will get back to normal. Don’t be too much perturbed dear”, she said as she patted my cheeks.
“No aunt, it’s something else”, I said with my head down.
“What else dear? Come forth, tell me”, she was also concerned then.
“Actually aunt I missed my ‘periods’ this month”, I said raising my head and looking at her.
“Missed your periods! How? Oh! Oh My God! Oh My God!”
She seemed very concerned as the cause dawned on her. I couldn’t say anything. I just kept standing there not knowing what to do. Aunt Vidya also fell in deep thought. This was a matter which was to be kept strictly between us. If anybody was to get an inkling of it a greater calamity would befell me.
“Maya, don’t worry dear. Let’s first confirm whether it is pregnancy or not. I’ll arrange the kit. Whatever be the outcome, we’ll see what we can do about it. Don’t worry Maya. Together, we’ll overcome it”, she said as she hugged me tightly.
My eyes welled up with tears. I began sobbing uncontrollably. Aunt Vidya kept on rubbing my back and patting my head, trying to sooth me with her words as well as the action.
The day passed with great anxiety and much mental agony. Whatever wrong could have happened, was happening to me. My worst fears were coming true. I was closely down and low.
Aunt Vidya arranged the kit next day. My worst fears that were lurking around the corner came out to confront me head-on. The result was positive. I was carrying a part of Sandeep inside me. The only remnant of my lost love, and see I wanted to get rid of it as soon as I could do so. These are the ironies of life, which one has to face. Aunt Vidya was more concerned now, but tried to look calm and composed before me.
“Don’t worry Maya. Have trust in me. I’ll arrange everything. Just don’t tell anybody. Not even Bhabhi”, she said in a tone to caution me as well as sooth me.
I didn’t know what to say and just nodded my head. Good or bad, trust or mistrust, I had to believe in aunt Vidya. She was the only one who could have helped me. It was another thing that I had complete trust and faith in my aunt Vidya. Whatever, her words pepped me up and gave a new confidence to me. Hope is the rope on which you can dry your wet mood. I didn’t know how it would be done, but somehow, I was confident that it would be done. Coming event exonerated my trust. Aunt Vidya had planned it well.
She had planned it to do on the two days that my parents would be away. But their visits were not as frequent as they used to be. If they didn’t go that month then. It was a big ‘IF. And, that big was growing bigger day by day. That problem had to be surmounted before it became insurmountable. Because what I was carrying inside me was growing every day. And then, a God send opportunity arrived! The Chief Minister’s visit to our district was announced. My father being the General Secretary of the ruling party had his hands full. He was also appointed as the Organizing Secretary of the core committee formed to oversee the success of his visit and to see that everything went smoothly during his visit. He had to oversee every work pertaining to the C.M.’s visit. It was an onerous task and he became thoroughly engrossed in it. We had to do it this month, otherwise the opportunity would be lost and the liability would literally grow bigger. The plan was that, the day my parents would be there in the city for the C.M.’s visit, my mother availing the opportunity to spend two days with her son, we would move to a different neighboring city, for the abortion. Aunt Vidya had set the ball rolling. She would tell everybody that her presence was required in her in-laws house for some rituals related to Sandeep’s death. She would seek permission to take me with her. We knew that nobody would object to that. I usually accompanied her whenever she visited her in-laws or whenever she made an outstation trip. The days that we would be away were Saturday and Sunday. So nobody would object to it. Moreover it wouldn’t evoke any kind of doubt in anybody’s mind. My father was not on the best of terms with aunt Vidya’s in-laws. So there was no chance that he would come to know whether we had gone to her in-laws or not. Thus getting the ‘job’ done in the neighboring city would not be much of a difficulty. Two days would be enough for the ‘job’. Normally, this kind of arrangement requires hel
p. But our situation was such that asking for help was simply out of question. A gynecologist had to be consulted. Then, I had to get myself examined. And after that we had to decide the D-Day when the ‘job’ had to be done. Aunt Vidya suggested that we should take help of Ranjit Dubey as she had come to repose faith in him. But, I was completely and totally against it. Why? Because, if by any chance my father came to know of that I would not only suffer multiple fractures but would be definitely packed off in marriage to the first man my father could lay his hands on. Moreover, if people came to know of it, I would become a liability to his political career. When everything was going his way I did not want to become his Achilles heel. So this possibility of consulting Ranjit Dubey and taking help from him fizzled out as soon as it was floated. We decide to do the ‘job’ ourselves. Aunt Vidya was to be my true friend, philosopher and guide in this. We had two Saturdays and two Sundays at our disposal to execute the plan. The ‘job’ had to be done with meticulous preparation, precise execution and in total secrecy.
We had to leave the luxury of traveling by car. We had to be discreet. It was decide that we would take public transport for the ‘job’. So what was the exact plan?
The plan was like this. My parents would go to the city on the Saturday. Next day that is Sunday we would move ostensibly to her in-laws city. But in reality we would be catching the bus to the neighboring city we had decided to go for the ‘job’. Aunt Vidya knew a famous gynecologist there. We would go straight to her clinic and get myself examined. Be back after that. We would fix the Saturday of the following week for the ‘job’. Two days to recuperate and then be back by the next day that is Sunday late evening or night. The day of our ‘job’ would coincide with the visit of the C.M., to our city. So my mother would be moving a day ahead to the city that is on Friday. And she would not be back before the succeeding Tuesday, as my father had to spend a couple of days there after the departure of C.M. My father would be away, however not only for the whole week between the two Saturdays that we had chosen for the ‘job’, but for a few days more. So it was a perfect plan and all that was required was courage and fortitude at our end and to execute the plan with utmost precision. The plan also required a hefty expenditure. But money was not a problem and aunt Vidya always had enough. So the only thing that was left was to wait for the events to unfold and then execute the plan with utmost precision and in total secrecy.
Those days were quite hectic for my father. He used to proceed to the city early in the morning and would return quite late in the night. He was working very hard to make the C.M.,s visit a great success. His political future depended greatly on it as the C.M., happened to be the chief of the, Sarwajan Samaj Party, the party in power in my state at that time. He knew that if everything went well and if he was able to draw the attention of the C.M., his claim for the ticket, to either of the state assemblies in the then coming General Elections would be strengthened. On that Friday, the day before the first of the two Saturdays we had, he announced that he won’t be coming back in the night because of the work pressure. He said that, he would be spending the weekend and the next week in the city away from the home.
Things were moving fast and quite favorable to us. Mother was to accompany him on Saturday morning. But according to the revised program she had to proceed to the city alone. Anyway, we were quite happy. The turn of events had assured that we had the whole of Saturday and Sunday to execute the first phase of our plan.
Aunt Vidya talked to my mother on the Friday night a day before she had to proceed to the city.
“Bhabhi, are you doing something?” She said as she came in her bedroom.
“No, No, Vidya nothing. Just sitting here and reading the Geeta”, she said smiling at her.
“O.K., then Bhabhi you read it. I’ll come afterwards”, she said straightening the bed-sheet my mother was sitting on.
“Come Vidya, sit here. This I can read some other time also. Sit”, she said.
“Bhabhi, has everything been arranged. Your clothes and all”, aunt Vidya said sitting there.
“Help in that Vidya. You always do.”
“Bhabhi I have to go to my in-laws. Some work is pending there, related to Sandeep’s death. They are performing special prayers and all”, she said arranging mother’s clothes in her suitcase.
“Yes, yes, it’s quite apt that you go there”, mother said.
“Bhabhi can I take Maya with me? I feel quite lonely there. She will also have a change”
“If she is willing to go she can of course accompany you. I don’t have any problem. Ask her.”
“I’ve asked her Bhabhi. She is willing to go, but she has asked me to take your permission.”
“What permission Vidya! You are also like a mother to her.”
“Yes! Yes!”
“How long will it take Vidya there?”
“Bhabhi the special prayers will commence on the coming Sunday. The rituals and allied things are likely to culminate by the next Sunday. It’s going to be a week long affair.
“Then, both of you will be away for a week! How can that be Vidya? Mother said in a reluctant tone.
“No, no, Bhabhi. I’m planning to be present only in the beginning and at the end. I also don’t want to be away for so long”, aunt Vidya said quickly.
“O.K., then go. I won’t be there on both the days. Vidya you have to manage everything then. But one thing. Car will be with us. Won’t you have any problem then?”
“We’ll take taxi, Bhabhi. No worrying on that issue. I’ll manage it. Bhabhi your suitcase is ready.” Aunt Vidya said getting up from the bed.
“O.K., then Vidya. I also pray for Sandeep. Such a good boy! What a perfect pair he would have made with Maya. But…” She stopped in the middle and aunt Vidya also came out.
*………………………………*
Thanks to aunt Vidya, things were falling into shape. The preparation for the ‘job’ on our hands was nearly completed. The only thing left was the execution of the plan. Net day mother proceeded to the city. She was very happy that she would be able to be with her son for a week. Father had a Government Guest House booked in his name. Mother could supervise the cooking of meals easily there. Father was on special diet. We have a family history of heart ailments. He took precaution on that account, and his meals were strictly monitored by my mother. One more thing was there. Brother could also come and live there with them for a week. Everyone including us was quite happy and looking forward to the then coming week.
On that Sunday we got up early and speedily completed the chores. We took heavy breakfast that day. We had to spend the whole day traveling and we didn’t want to be bothered on that issue. We had decided to take the taxi to her in-laws city. Once we reach there we’ll leave the taxi at the bus-stand. From there we would take another taxi to go to our pre-decided city for the ‘job’. On reaching there we would leave the taxi at the bus-stand. From the bus-stand we would take a rickshaw and go to the doctor’s clinic and get myself examined. Then taking the same route and same conveyance we had come by we would return back. It was going to be a long journey and expensive one too. First was the cause for concern but second one could be managed easily. Taking a taxi for her in-laws city was not a new thing for aunt Vidya. She had done it number of times and that day was no different. But then it was completely different too! Complete secrecy had to be maintained. If by any chance somebody got even a wind of it, it would be calamitous for the whole family. We were taking all the necessary precautions and were being extra cautious on that issue. The day however went well for us. The gynecologist carefully examined me and fixed the next Saturday for the ‘job’ as desired by us. She was a seasoned lady and a thorough professional. She had understood the whole situation well and demanded a hefty amount for the ‘job’. We were not in a position to bargain and didn’t want to do it as money was not an issue that worried us. The only worry was the complete secrecy about the ‘job’ and the successful completion of the ‘job’. The
re was no second chance or an extended date to do the ‘job’. Whatever had to be done had to be done on that week and that too in complete secrecy. Leaving no trace of anything was of paramount importance. Aunt Vidya deposited the whole amount we had been asked for, in advance, in the clinic. We filled in fictitious names and address and nobody asked about it. One lesson I learnt that day. The weight of money always balances the burden of truth. It keeps one away from unwanted questions and checking the veracity of the facts submitted.
By the time we reached our home it had become dark. The first part of our mission had been completed successfully. We took a refreshing bath and had a light dinner. Being thoroughly tired we went to sleep early.
A great burden had shifted from away my head. I felt relaxed and looked forward to the week ahead. I had read in my text-books many times but understood it well through my own experience. The maxim, ‘well begun is half done’. I’m not trying to sound hackneyed, but it so happens in life that you understand the full meaning of things you have read, when you experience them in your life or when you go through them. Whatever, the week went normally for us. Father was very busy with his work. Being the organizing Secretary of the committee he had to look into the minutest of details. His eyes clearly fixed on the membership to either of the assemblies, he did not want to leave anything to chance. Every work related to the visit was his work, and he knew that very well. In between mother visited us for two days and remained with us on that Wednesday and Thursday, I think so. Yes, it definitely was these two days as she proceeded to the city that Friday. We would be alone on those two days and my parents would be extremely busy on those two days in the city with the visit of the C.M.
The D-Day arrived. I had waited for it anxiously but as it came I was feeling a bit nervous and bit scared. I felt jittery! The same itinerary had to be followed that we had chalked out and followed last Sunday. The only difference was that we didn’t have to return the same day. The ‘job’ had to be done on that Saturday as had been fixed. We met the doctor in her clinic. A room had been kept ready for us. No paper work was done. No forms, nothing! Questions were neither expected, nor asked. Just pain instructions were there related with the ‘job’ which we followed. We had been about the diet and other precautions that had to be taken, by the doctor herself, when we visited her the last Sunday. We followed it quite religiously. The ‘job’ was however done in the evening. I was thoroughly scraped to remove the remnants of the night, Sandeep and I were together. I remember the ordeal to this day. Till this day I remember the pain that I suffered that day. It seemed as if every cell in my body had been hurt. Totally unbearable pain! Why, God why? For men enjoy and enjoy. For women, enjoy and bleed. Why? Forgive me, I said so as I was quite upset with what I had to undergo. I was kept in sedation. The pain had somewhat subsided by the next day that is Sunday. I was definitely in a better condition than I was on the previous day. I was on semi liquid diet and had difficulty in walking. But, I could not afford the luxury of stay. Aunt Vidya was a great support to me as she had always been. With her help I was able to take the long journey albeit with great difficulty.