It wasn’t fair.
Shiloh said as much to xir empty room, voice sounding small and flat in the late-night quiet. “None of this is fair. I did everything right… or maybe wrong. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.” A wave of electricity surged through xir from head to toe, hotter and more intense than usual, almost stinging. Shiloh didn’t bother to keep it controlled, and soon small arcs zipped around xir hands, and xie felt static rush through xir hair, puffing it out and up. “Why aren’t you here?”
The room's radio speaker crackled on.
Shiloh looked up, not entirely surprised xie’d turned it on accidentally. Xie was about to apologize out loud for barging into Radio Angel’s channel without warning, when a voice interrupted.
“Hello?” The signal was faint, and sounded like it came from thousands of miles away. Or maybe another planet, another time, another life.
Shiloh held very still, mouth hanging open. Xie knew this voice. Knew it almost as well as xir own. “Dad?”
“Well, hello there Shiloh.” Garrett Cole’s voice could shake mountains and boil oceans, but now his words were as warm and easy, casual as if Shiloh had just seen him in the next room, instead of years ago. “I was hoping I’d hear from you. Figured it wouldn’t be long. When your mom showed up, I knew it was just a matter of time. You had a job to do first, that’s all.”
“Mom?” Shiloh’s head spun as xie latched onto the one part xie could handle. Xie could barely grasp the words themselves; all that mattered was that it was Garrett’s voice speaking them. “Mom’s there?”
“Sure am.” Maureen’s voice made Shiloh sink down onto the bed, suddenly feeling weak in the knees. “I am so glad to hear your voice—and so mad we have to talk like this, instead of in the same room!”
“It’s okay,” Shiloh said faintly, a smile starting to spread across xir face. This was real. Xie wasn’t delirious. Aside from being deliriously happy. “You’re here. Sort of—where are you? What did you do? Tell me everything!”
“We got the job done, just like you,” Maureen said after a small hesitation. “But it wasn’t easy. I teleported farther than anyone has business teleporting. I found your dad. And we hunkered down and tried to figure out how to get a message to you without exposing our location. Judging by the light show, I’d say you got it.”
“What message—the ghosts?” It seemed absurd even as xie put it together. “They kept telling me ‘turn out the lights, Icarus’—that was you?”
“Sure was.” The pride in her voice came through loud and clear. “I knew they were smart—knew it! But I had no idea about… well, a lot else.”
“Tell me everything!” Shiloh wasn’t above begging, especially when xie heard her hesitate. “Please. I want to know everything that’s happened, all of it!”
“Well, that’s a long story. I’ve had a lot of adventures,” Garrett said in what sounded like an understatement. “Scares and triumphs. And so have you, or so I’ve heard.”
“You could say that.” Shiloh’s head spun. “We were supposed to light up all the beacons and make a giant barrier but we didn’t, we dropped it instead. Now it’s totally exposed!” Xir heart pounded as the enormity of the situation sunk in. “But I really thought it was the right thing, I swear I didn’t mean to ruin everything, but—”
“Hey, don’t panic now,” Maureen’s reassuring voice—anything she said now would be, simply because she was speaking—cut through Shiloh’s rising anxiety and brought xir back to Earth. “We won. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but everything actually did go according to plan.”
“Whose plan?”
“Whose do you think?” Garrett asked, and Shiloh could hear the smile in his voice. Xie tried to answer, but couldn’t say a thing.
“When the ghosts appeared to you, they kept saying one word, didn’t they? Like it was the most important thing in the world?”
“Yeah. Icarus.”
“Who do you think told them to say that? It was like a recorded message. It’s hard to explain.”
“Well—try!” Shiloh wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Somehow wanted to tear off the wall-mounted radio and shake it until xir father appeared, so xie could hug him close.
“I will. I promise. But it’s not the kind of thing you say on the air. And it’s…” Garrett paused, sounding very tired. “A long story. Just know that I was trying to get a message out the best way I could after we lost communication in the collapse. I had to improvise. Fortunately, that’s what I do best.” His laugh, carried across airwaves and thousands of miles, was as deep and rich as if he were in the room with them. “I faked my death to escape Parole. The world thought I was a dead man…so I thought I’d use ghosts.”
“Okay.” Shiloh said wearily, trying hard to keep up. There was so much to follow there, but xir energy was limited, and xie wouldn’t be able to rest until xie got one answer at least. “But…I really didn’t make things worse?”
“No, you did the right thing,” Maureen said immediately. “You did exactly what you were supposed to do.”
“Bringing the shield down?”
“It’s not a shield if you don’t choose it, then it’s just a cage. That’s what Turret never understood. Parole didn’t need one. And we don’t need one here.”
“But—oh God, what happens if it’s not sealed off?” Shiloh persisted. “Even if the ghosts are on our side, isn’t the poison going to keep spreading?”
“Not if we can help it,” Garrett reassured xir. “The spread still needs to be stopped, but that wasn’t the way to do it. Listen, your part here is done. You kept Turret from setting us all back decades. That’s all you need to worry about.”
“You’re still keeping secrets, Dad.”
“Of course I am.”
“You know a lot more than you’re saying about the Tartarus ghosts, and Turret, and everything.” Even being more relieved and exhausted than xie’d ever been, xie couldn’t help investigating the puzzle. It was a reflex, like kicking when xir knee was tapped or shielding xir eyes from the sun. “How are you gonna keep it from spreading without the barrier? How did you talk to the ghosts, were you actually controlling them? Where are you?”
“I can’t tell you.” Garrett said softly, but his voice lost none of its resonance. “I want to keep you and your mom safe. That means the less you know, the better. The less anyone knows.”
“That’s bull.” Shiloh’s heart started to pound in time with the throbbing pain in the back of xir head. “Don’t give me that. Not after all we’ve gone through. We haven’t heard your voice in over a month—and we haven’t seen you in ten years. We’ve waited long enough!”
I know. I’m asking you to be patient for just a little bit more.”
“I’m done being patient.” Xie said the word like it had four letters, through clenched teeth. “If I did everything right, why aren’t you here? Why can’t you tell me what’s going on at least?”
“Shiloh, I’m glaring at your dad right now,” Maureen said. “I know, he likes to present a united front, but you’re right. You deserve better.”
“You both do,” Garrett agreed without hesitation. “You deserve answers. And stability and safety and all the happiness in the world. And I hate not being there to give them to you.”
“Okay, great. We all hate this. So let’s do it and get it done.” Xie could envision Maureen’s quick, businesslike nod, the one she always gave just before diving into another vital project, sure and determined. “Next step’s same as always. Getting that data to Parole. Getting ourselves to Parole. Countering Turret’s next move.”
“What do you think he wants?” Shiloh’s frustration gave way to anxiety at the mere mention of the name. “We’re sure he’s not just trying to contain the poison, like us, right?”
Maureen snorted. “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that. No, he wants walls up. Keeping anyone from getting deeper in there.”
“He’s hiding something in there.” Sh
iloh felt dizzy. “Uncle Jay was right.”
“Looks that way. And you can actually tell him that one, he’s earned it.” Maureen chuckled, but it didn’t last long. “Turret is definitely hiding something, about Mihir, and Tartarus, and Parole and everything—and if Turret wants it gone that bad, I want to know what it is.”
"Okay." Shiloh did feel a little comforted. "I hope we do soon. I hope everyone finds each other again soon. People and robot dogs."
“What?” For some reason, Garrett's voice sharpened, sounded more urgent.
“Yeah. Annie’s dog, I guess she called him Dandy. He kind of started a big fight with the dragon when he showed up but he was trying to protect us. He thought he was helping. He ran away, though, hope he’s okay—”
“Damn!” His voice boomed even through the small radio speaker.
“Dad? What’s wrong?” Shiloh asked hesitantly, almost afraid of the answer.
“Hans!” Static crackled and popped like urgent punctuation.
“What—who’s Hans? Regan said—”
“I thought he was under control—but I should have known he wouldn’t stick to our plan. No, he was always playing his own game…” Garrett paused, apparently to get his head together, and Shiloh did the same. Xie hadn’t understood a word of that, but if it had xir father this concerned it couldn’t be good. “You said this wolf protected you?”
“Yeah, when I was talking to a ghost. First it looked like you, then it turned into a dragon. Then Dandy showed up and I think he was trying to protect us. But the dragon panicked, and breathed some poison at us. My friend Indra got really sick. And then just a couple days ago, the FireRunner sailed into a storm. A—a lot of stuff happened. But Dandy kind of lured the ghosts away. He jumped right overboard, and they all chased him away and left us alone.”
“Interruptions,” Garrett pondered, sounding tense. “Misdirections. I’d say Turret’s not the only one with a vested interest in breaking down communications.”
“Listen, I don’t care about Hans or Turret or any of this,” Maureen said sharply, then softened. “I care about seeing you again.”
“Me too.” Shiloh frowned, but xir voice was only slightly bitter. Still, xie wasn’t ready to let one very important thing go. “I thought you’d be here when we got to the FireRunner. But you weren’t.”
“I know,” Garrett answered. “I’m sorry. But everything I’ve ever done, I’ve done to bring us back together. Please believe me on that. If you don’t believe anything else I’ve ever said, believe that.”
“So next stop is you?” Shiloh pressed. “No more running around, no more side quests?”
“Shiloh…Maureen. Trust me,” Garrett said. “I wouldn’t be doing any of this if there was another way. I want you here with me, right here, right now. I’ve wanted that since the day we were separated. The minute. All I can tell you is we will be together again. I promise. What you did, stopping that barrier, was a huge step forward.”
“So it was really the right choice?” Shiloh asked in a small voice. “Everything seemed like it was pushing me toward the opposite."
“Maybe. But you listened.” At those words, Shiloh felt something xie’d almost forgotten. Relief. The feeling was so profound it almost seemed like a physical force, rushing over xir like an overpowering tidal wave. All at once, xie realized how tense, scared, and exhausted xie’d been since leaving Meridian. Or maybe for ten years. “That’s never wrong.”
“To the ghosts?” Xie curled up and listened to Garrett’s steady, reassuring voice, so clear xie could close xir eyes and easily imagine him being in the room. Felt young, felt small, safe and warm.
“To them, to Regan, to the Chandrasekhars, to everyone on that ship. Your friends. Everyone you met on the way. To your mom. To me. You decided who to trust…and who did it turn out to be?”
Shiloh was quiet for a long time. “Myself.”
“That’s why we sent the messages to you,” Maureen said. “Because you’d hear every side, listen to them, then make your own decision. You know when to hold onto what everyone else tells you, and when to let it all go.”
“That’s what Gabriel said when this all started. Trust. Letting go.” Shiloh remembered releasing a desperate grip on a branch, while fire rose up through the darkness. Xie remembered words that hadn’t made sense until now. “Sometimes falling isn’t the last thing that happens. Sometimes it’s the first thing.”
“Yes.” Garrett’s voice was warm again, expansive, like arms open wide. “And when you did?”
“Someone caught me. A lot of people did. I’m so glad they were there."
“And we’ll be there with you soon, that is a promise.” The edge in Maureen’s voice wasn’t a warning, but a guarantee. Even if Shiloh couldn’t trust the shining stream, or anything else in the world, xie could trust her. “We’ll face what comes next together."
“Mom… Dad, I missed you so much.”
“Shiloh, there are no words.” Still, Garrett’s reverberated through xir chest, warming xir to the bone. “I love you. Now hurry up and come home—to Parole.”
“That’s where you are? You made it?”
“I didn’t say that. It’s a conversation best had in person, and we will have it, but not where anyone can listen in. You just focus on getting to Parole safe and sound. And if you ever lose your way…”
“Follow the stream?” Shiloh couldn’t help the slight sarcasm that crept into xir tone. Xie hadn’t intended it, but it got the point across.
“No. Follow my voice. You’ll never lose that again.”
Xie was quiet for a second, eyes stinging. “Promise?”
“Yes. With everything I have.”
“Okay.” Shiloh let out a long, slow breath and closed xir watering eyes. “I’m so tired.”
“Rest, babe,” Maureen said as Shiloh drifted into a warm, comforting darkness made of trust instead of fear. Soon nothing existed except her voice. “We’re safe. You’re safe. You’ve been running all this time. Now it’s okay to stop and stand still.”
* ☆ *
“This isn’t the tree,” Indra murmured, staring up at Parole’s new barrier, crackling energy against the night sky. “It’s that one again. God, I hate this one.”
“Me too. But we’re just gonna keep coming back here, I guess.” Annie’s eyes reflected the barrier’s glow and Parole’s flames. “So we just gotta deal.”
“We don’t have to. We could wake up right now, or at least try. The actual tree is right here on this ship, in reality. I’d much rather hang out there than see this one more night.”
“We gotta sleep sometime.”
Indra didn’t have an answer for that, so he folded his arms and stayed quiet.
“I know what you mean though,” she muttered eventually. “We should be past it, we’re different people now. We’re not those kids. They’re gone. We lived, even if that place tried to kill us. None of this should even exist.” She stared at their small hands pressed against the glowing shield, at their faces fixed on each other through the barrier like shining glass. Separated but together. Now, joined together forever.
“Maybe it exists more than we think,” Indra said quietly. “Maybe we’re still those kids. Maybe we’re still trying to escape from Parole.”
“We did!” Annie snapped. “This isn’t real, when we wake up, we’ll be outside! We’re a thousand miles away, we did escape! You can’t leave something much further behind than that!”
“Then why are we still here?”
“I don’t want to leave it behind,” Shiloh said quietly and the other two jumped and looked up quickly, as if realizing xie was there for the first time. “If this hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be where we are. Or who we are. And… I like us.”
“You know something?” They felt as much as heard Indra’s tentative words. The question felt like the moment before diving into the deep end of the pool, curled toes gripping the concrete edge. “For the longest time, since Mihir. I just kind of
stumbled through life in this depressed, numb fog of nothing—and then I had some weird dreams. And I got on a bike. And I started seeing new things and laughing, and feeling!” His smile shook; so did the ground beneath their feet. “Do you know how amazing that is? And how terrifying?”
Annie said nothing, but gave him a slow nod. He kept going, and as the words fell out of him, a cool breeze blew past. It did not smell like smoke.
“I’m scared all the time.” His voice broke. “And I love it. The weird part about feeling that broken is it also kind of makes you feel invincible. It’s like nothing can hurt you, like, bring it on, world, I’m already doing worse to myself. Nothing can touch you. But then you did.” He smiled and even in dreams his eyes were filled with tears. “So now I’m under pressure because I have something to lose. I have shit to do. And I don’t want to die before I do it.”
“You’re not going to die,” Annie said, eyes on him instead of the burning city. “I won’t let you. Either of you.”
“Told you before, that’s not your job.” Shiloh shook xir head as stars winked into view brighter overhead, clearer, maybe nearer. “You’ve done enough.”
“So have you.” She smiled too, finger going to twirl her hair even in a dream. “You make me feel like I am enough. You understand me when I can’t make the words work right. Even when I don’t have them at all. Even when I’m awake, I don’t have to work to get my point across. Words come out a little easier when you’re around, but if they don’t it’s still okay. I don’t get scared. It’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“I know the feeling.” In dreams, Meridian seemed so much closer. The endless days. The long-distance calls. Constantly looking over shoulders for Turret, for Tartarus, for anything that might ruin so many lives in so many ways. The surge of excitement, realizing that waiting was finally over. Change. “I can’t go back to the way I was. I can’t go back to standing still. Not after moving so fast.”
The Lifeline Signal Page 39