by Marien Dore
Walking up the bank further on the other side towards the waterfall, we were quickly approaching the berry bushes. Every day, we would go twice a day - for breakfast and dinner. Of course, that’s what I was relating it to. It wasn’t anything close to what a normal breakfast and dinner were. We would go up and pick a couple berries for each of us and return for a few more.
As every trip up and back to the bushes occurred, we both secretly grew more worried, knowing there were fewer berries every time. Tonight was different. By the time we reached the bushes, we both went our own way, checking each for berries. After a few minutes of looking, we felt the panic around us rise. We rushed around to every bush, checking every inch of each small branch. When we found nothing, Casey was the one who finally said it, “There are no berries left.”
Chapter 48
I woke with my head resting on Casey’s chest, his arms wrapped around me. But how did I wake exactly? Maybe from his light snoring, or possibly the breeze that I could hear sifting through the trees. Unfortunately, today was different. I woke from my stomach growling.
I groaned, seeing it was dawn. I rested my head back against the fabric of his shirt, his chest moving slightly from his even breathing. I closed my eyes, knowing there was nothing I could do about my hunger. I tried falling back asleep, but I couldn’t. My stomach felt hollow, and the ache made me feel as if it was going to swallow me whole. And it’s only been over a day since I’ve last eaten.
Yesterday, the morning after we realized how fast this problem was developing, we spent the whole day practicing. By the time the sun sunk behind the ocean, we were slow and tired and just wanted to quit. When we did and made a fire, we were asleep soon after, not bothering to even use the energy to talk. We weren’t used to not eating.
To fix that meant to go fishing. And to go fishing meant we needed to learn how. Last night we both decided today, we should try going out to catch something. I was improving my aim and power behind it, so I think I had a good chance. However, Casey… well, he wasn’t as good as me, but he could easily hit a target. Either way, we had a good chance.
Trying to tell myself I couldn’t just lay here all day as I wanted, I felt him start to stir under me. His smooth and even snoring jumped out of rhythm since he was beginning to wake up. I didn’t move so he most likely assumed I was still sleeping with my head tilted out of his eyesight.
I felt him groan under me, and I knew he didn’t want to get up either. I felt a gentle hand carefully run over my hair with his fingers stroking softly over my knotted and greasy head. I closed my eyes at the feeling of his fingers, gradual shivers running over me from it.
I forced myself, this time, to get up, to move. I turned my head over so I was still against him now I was looking at him. His hand never stopped as he gave me a soft smile. “Good morning, beautiful,” he said before a yawn escaped his mouth.
“Good morning,” I said, smiling. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah, but my night went by too fast. Can’t we just say we did and don’t? I’m sure you don’t want to spend the day trying to get a fish when we can just sleep.”
“I don’t. I think we both know how important it is though that we do. Every day we don’t eat, more energy of ours disappears.”
I rolled off him and over, leaning up on my elbows and resting them on the clothing under us. I leaned in closer to his face and gave him a nice kiss which he softly returned. I felt a smile turn up at his lips before I pulled away, looking at his face. He lifted his hand and brushed it over my cheek, moving the loose hair behind my ear.
“We always have the bark, remember? I’d eat anything just to stay lying here with you.”
I smiled, “Or to keep sleeping, which I think is something we both agree with, but we need to get up.” I got to my feet and stepped out of the shelter, glancing over at the remaining smoke from last night rising up to the morning sky.
I stretched and stripped off the pair of men’s sweatpants I slept in while I saw Casey sit up and pull his shirt off. The day was already warming, even though it was dawn. As I found the pair of shorts I wore yesterday and put them on, I saw Casey fall back on the stiff cot with a groan, wanting more sleep.
“We need a bed,” he mumbled, his forehead pressed against his arm and his voice aimed at the ground.
I smiled. “Right, because a bed is more important than eating.”
“It is right now. It’s only dawn for Christ’s sake,” he chuckled. “I’ll love you forever if you let us sleep.”
“Sorry,” I said, grabbing the spear.
“I hate you,” he loudly moaned overdramatically in his arm as he rolled over and got up.
I chuckled, “I know, but you’ll take that back when we catch something today.”
“We could have had a bed built by now,” he said while we walked through the water, heading back to shore after a long day – a long day of nothing.
I chuckled, tightening my hand in his while in my other hand, I held the spear. “Why so anxious about getting a bed built, hmm?” I smirked up at him.
He blushed and continued to look forward, even though I saw a small smile. “Maybe it’s because I’m sick of sleeping on a few pieces of fabric. It’s too firm for my liking. We could get that done and over with fast, unlike this awful task.”
I laughed and finally, the rocks turned into soft sand as we came closer to shore. As we did, something caught my eye that I somehow missed coming down here. I squinted, trying hard to see what it was that was lying on shore. “What’s that?”
We both stopped. Casey looked to where I indicated. “I don’t know. I don’t remember seeing it when we came down here.”
“Well, we wouldn’t have. We were focused on one thing. There is no way our eyes would have caught that.”
Regardless, we started forward again, and when we were close enough, I knew what it was. I wished that we just kept walking and ignored it. Despite how much this would repulse us, we were at the point of having no choice if we wanted something to eat.
“How old do you suppose it is?” I asked.
“At least a day or probably older than that, unfortunately.”
We continued to stare down at it and the few bugs hovering around the dead fish. Bones were already visible, and it looked to be rotting. Wet sand coated the slimy scales where the water was still rushing up on shore and back to the ocean. The stench was noticeable, even from standing a few feet away. Just looking at it did me in.
To know we couldn’t just walk away made me feel worse. I would rather go without food was all I could think. I saw one of its eyes were missing. “It’s already too rotten to eat, right?” I asked him, desperate to get out of this.
He didn’t answer, which confirmed it. I groaned in disgust as I looked at it. Casey stepped forward, kneeling down and took it by its slimy tail, holding it up as he got to his feet.
“Damn it, Casey,” I moaned as I turned and walked back towards where the creek released its fresh water into the ocean.
He sighed and spoke from behind me, following me, “Trust me, I know.”
A little while later was when I felt repulsed to the max. I watched carefully, absolutely sure I would be doing this at some point. It was disgusting. We were sitting on the grassy bank under one of the low trees, our feet in the water. Casey was bent over with the knife and dead fish in his hands. The skin of scales and slime came pealing back and fell to the creek, floating down and back out to the ocean. The fact that we would actually get to eat was my only positive motivation, and I kept repeating it to myself as I watched.
I could no longer tell it was once a fish, which might be a good thing. Small bones were clearly visible, though. Casey set the dead fish in the grass after he carved out all its skin and let it fall to the creek. With the knife, he dug out something small with a light brownish or white color. He set the knife down, picking up whatever part it was of the fish. Disgust crossed his face before he quickly opened his mouth and dropped whatever it was between his o
pen lips. He shivered with disgust as he ate whatever it was but he stopped after he swallowed it. He took a breath and looked up to me, sympathy crossing his face because of how much he knew I would hate this. I already was uneasy about it.
He bent back down, grabbing the knife and flipping the fish over on its other side. Holding it with one hand, he dug the knife into it, the sound making me cringe. He once again dug out something mushy and white - the edible part of the fish, its meat. When he grabbed it, he paused, looking at me and waiting.
All I could do was shake my head in disgust, “I’m fine. I don’t need to eat.”
He raised his eyebrow, knowing that wasn’t the case, “It’s not that bad. We need to get used to this.”
“Don’t you need to cook it?”
“You can but don’t need to.” He held it out to me, wanting me to take it, “Just eat it.”
I took it from his hand and wanted to drop it to the grass. Not only could I still smell the rotting stench of fish, but it was also slimy and damp too. I stopped breathing through my nose, not needing the smell to stop me. Looking away from it, I opened my mouth and quickly dropped it on my tongue.
It was disgusting! I was quick to swallow it, not bothering to chew it. I just wanted this over with. I was happy that it easily slid down my throat thanks to it being slimy.
“That was gross,” I sighed.
He nodded, “Is it something you can handle doing daily when we start catching real fish?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t so bad I guess.”
I inched closer to the bank where I reached down, letting the water run over my hands in the creek. Then I cupped both hands together, bringing water up to my mouth to get the taste out of my mouth.
I moved back, sitting next to Casey again in the grass. I followed his eyes to where they rested on the destroyed fish and its remains. “Is that it or is there more?”
He bent back over. This time with his finger, he dug out a few more small pieces. Giving another to him and me, I watched as he quickly put it in his mouth and ate it. Looking down at a piece of our dinner in my hand, I looked back up to him.
“Chew it this time,” he said after he ate his.
I groaned and again, quickly tossed back my piece of fish. This time, I forced myself to chew. I tried to focus on Casey as I ate it. Of course, though, that taste lasted even after I swallowed. So, I bent back over towards the creek and washed my mouth out.
I looked back over to Casey. “It’s not that bad. Watching you, though, you don’t even seem to mind it.”
“Oh, it tastes the same as it does for you. It’s gross. I just need to treat this as something that will soon be an average occurrence. I need to get used to it.”
Looking back down to what was left, I asked, “What do we do with this? Toss it in the creek?”
He sat there for a moment, thinking something over as his eyes remained fixed on what was left of the fish. “No. We can keep the bones.”
“For what?”
“The bones can be useful. On an island, nothing can go to waste depending on how desperate someone is. Plus, I have an idea. For now, though, we should get the bones.”
Eyeing the mess before us, I couldn’t help but give him a sarcastic comment, “That sounds fun. Keep ripping the fish apart to save the bones.”
He chuckled and grabbed the knife again, only to pause and glance at me. “Do you want to do it this time? It should be easier than digging out its meat. All you need to do is tear it apart.”
“If anybody actually wanted to do this, they would be considered crazy. But I guess I’ll do it. Better to try it now than later, right?”
He nodded, but he didn’t hand me the knife. Instead, he got to his feet and walked a few feet away to where the bush covered the forest. He snapped a large leaf from a short tree in reach and walked back over to me with it. He must have seen my confused look because he started to explain what he was doing.
“We’ll take it back to camp, and then you can pick the bones out while I make a fire. Otherwise, you will be sitting here in the cold and dark. Here,” he said, kneeling back down and spreading the leaf in front of us. “Put it all on here.”
I nodded, and we put the fish on the leaf since it held and secured more than our hands would with fragile remains. I grabbed the two opposite ends of the leaf, and the fish slid securely in the middle when I lifted it. We both got to our feet and walked back to camp.
The fire Casey assembled blazed bright, the blades of the flames reaching towards the orange sky. It would be dark soon, but until that happened, I took advantage of the daylight. Sitting by the fire in the grass next to Casey, both of us wrapped in warmer clothes, I got to work. Sitting with my legs crossed and facing the fire, my hands worked over the remains that sat on the leaf. It was harder than I expected it would be to remove the bones after picking it apart.
“Do you plan on telling me why I am doing this for you? I’m not doing this every time we catch a fish.”
“It’s just this one time we need the bones if what I plan works out. As for what it is, you’ll see tomorrow.”
“We are doing something different tomorrow other than fishing?”
He sighed. “No, but we’ll be trying something new.”
“I better not be doing this for some reason involving a bed,” I warned.
He laughed and bent down to kiss my check. “Sorry to disappoint you, but it has nothing to do with a bed.”
My hands were full of slime, my fingers digging into the fish with the knife’s assistance. After I was able to get a few bones out, I set them on the other side of the leaf, the tiny and sharp white pieces glowing in the firelight.
Out of the silence that settled comfortably between us came a noise from Casey. It was his stomach growling. I looked up to him, and he met my eyes. I must have looked worried. “After going without food for so long, eating the amount we did won’t be satisfying. Plus, that fish wasn’t that big to begin with,” he said.
“Yeah, but we have been here for how long, and we are still struggling to adjust. And, we will be here for much longer.”
He nodded, “When we do adjust, though, our stomachs will get used to this.”
I pursed my lips and returned to working on removing the many bones in the fish. It was actually getting annoying. How many bones can one little fish contain?
After a minute of silence again, I pondered over what he said. I wasn’t sure if I should say this, but he had to be wondering the same thing as me. “Do you ever wonder if we are going to die if we don’t get off this island?” I didn’t meet his eyes, needing them to continue working on the little bit that was left. Only a few more bones to go.
After a second in thought, he answered, “Yes, I do.”
“Do you wonder when that will happen? Like how much longer we can take living like this.”
“Yeah. I wonder about that and sometimes worry.”
“Do you think we will ever be found?” I asked and with the final bone set aside, I moved the leaf out of the way for now. I looked up at him now that I was finished.
His eyes were lost in the fire, his face blank, all except his eyebrows that remained dipped in thought. “No. I don’t think we will be found. But... that’s okay,” he said looking to me.
“What do you mean that’s okay?” I wondered.
It tainted some of my small subconscious hope. Being on this island at first was awesome because it meant I wasn’t at home and didn’t need to deal with my issues. Even now, I would stay here if I had a choice but I couldn’t be selfish. I knew that I needed to go home if given the opportunity. My brother and father couldn’t go free, and that was something I had to make happen if I ever went home.
“I’m fine with staying here. I miss my family like crazy but I’m with you here,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“You said though that you worry and wonder about dying.”
“Yes, it’s hell trying to live with barely any,
food and it’s only been over a month. But, how can we die? It would take a few weeks to actually starve, and we could always get food by then. The main reason is that you’re here with me. You are here with me, and that means, even if I do die, it will be with you and my real self.”
“Your real self?” I asked with a small smile.
He nodded. “You saw how much of an ass I was. But what if it wasn’t just Jill that made me that way? I am positive that she is the reason I became that way, but what if other things contributed to it? The world is sick and cruel. It beats you down just because you try to live your life. Sure, if we got the opportunity to leave, I would take it, but I don’t mind being here because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose myself again either.”
I smiled and felt my heart jump at nearly every word. It made sense not to want to leave. It made sense to leave anyway if given the chance. I never did consider that he may be afraid of becoming like he was before, but I can understand that.
I lifted myself to a kneeling position, not using my disgusting hands in the process, and I pressed my lips to his. He gripped both my arms to keep me steady as he kissed me back.
When we broke apart, I could only stare, “You are so beautiful, Casey, too beautiful and strong of a person. You don’t need to worry about becoming that man again. You never were that man. You were just lost for a while.”
He smiled, and I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before I got to my feet. In the darkness, my eyes scanned over the grass. Bending over, I took the pile I made of bones and set them on a new leaf, and then I picked up the old, slimy one and walked to the creek. I tossed it in and watched it swim towards the ocean before I thoroughly washed my hands off with the cold current.
After that, I walked back to where the fire glowed and where Casey was sitting. I sat back down next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. His words were quite accurate now that I thought about it. Though it may seem cowardly, I couldn’t help but agree with him. We may be here forever and die, but despite that, we wouldn’t have the world trying to taint our lives.