by Marien Dore
I never cried so much before. Not even when my mother died because I knew I needed to suck it up when she passed. I needed to be strong, to stay calm in order to live. Now, though, I was free. Free to act however I wanted, feel how I wanted and do what I wanted. And what I wanted was to cry my heart out. I cried, knowing that through the day, that sob was building up. I refused to break down earlier when all we wanted was more time and happiness together, and we got it. It was a great last day with him. Bittersweet. But now that we knew time was ticking, we needed to be very careful with our time. We didn’t know if he would pass tonight or early tomorrow. It didn’t matter because we needed to get everything we needed to out at this point.
I cried into his chest like he wanted me to. His arms taking me in, he held me to him, rubbing my back lightly. My head buried into his chest, I cried for a while like that. Why such a wonderful man? Why a man that was so perfect? Why… and by just a rat?
I felt him pull me up to him more, my chest against his now as he rested his forehead on mine. In the dimming light, I closed my eyes, moving my hands up to his face, running over the little hairs there. Along those prickles, I also felt the warm tears that he let fall silently. Skin so smooth, so warm… My fingers moved up to his hair, running my fingers through it, trying to memorize the exact feel of him, his beautiful features. Moving my hands down to his shoulders, I slid my hands back around him as his lips lightly kissed mine.
My loud sobs started to quiet but only because I forced them too. Not because I was trying to hold it in but because I wanted to hear his smooth breath, his moan when he kissed me and his voice when he spoke.
“I need you to tell me you love me,” he said the moment our lips broke, and we breathed, his watery eyes meeting mine.
“I love you,” I said automatically. “You know that —”
“I know,” he said in an instant. “But I needed to hear it. Say it again,” he said quietly against my lips once more.
Cupping both of his thin cheeks, I met my eyes with his as our tears were falling, our cries kept silent by the words I needed to say and by his need to hear them. “Casey, I love you.” I saw his eyes, bloodshot and weak, grow at my words. He has heard it enough times before to know it was more than true, but this wasn’t like every other time.
He swallowed hard, another tear falling from us both. I leaned the inch it took to bring us closer, touching my trembling lips with his. I lightly kissed his lips, but he immediately gripped me harder, moaning softly. My lips passionately in sync with his, I felt his hands slide across my back and my sides.
Breaking for only a breath of a second, he muttered against my lips, “Say it again.”
He kissed lovingly again after his words were out and I grasped his body to me more. Pulling back, my forehead rested on his again with a breath resting against our lips. “I love you,” I said, voice breaking as my tears increased falling.
Our lips met again, more passion running through us. However, I couldn’t stop my lips from breaking away. My cry forced its way through as I gasped, tears never slowing as I began to cry more. I felt that hard and raw feeling in the back of my throat, making me sob more. I did so silently, but my cries were still apparent as I had moved away from his kiss.
I felt his hands go to my cheeks, and I opened my eyes, finally seeing his whole face. His cheeks were wet, scattered in tears with his bloodshot eyes more red and teary. “Say you love me,” he repeated. “I need to hear your voice, baby.”
“I love you. I love you so much,” I said, understanding. He was trying to do what I tried with his eyes and features: burn it into his brain. Keep my voice alive within him, those words caressing his fragile heart. He told me my voice was my best feature. Along with that and the words I was saying, I can’t blame him for wanting to hear me say it over and over.
“Say you love me!” Voice breaking, his eyebrows dipped, needing to hear me.
I slid my own hands up and cupped his cheeks as he was cupping mine. I penetrated his gaze as I took an uneven breath. “Baby, I love you. I love you, I love you! I love you! I love you more than anything! I love you so much, Casey!” I cried, seeing him take that in and having a hard time with it.
“Oh, sweetie… again,” he pleaded.
“I love you! I love you, Casey Rush! And I always will. I would love my husband, I would love the father of my children, I would love the man I’m growing old with and never stop!” I breathed. I realized I mentioned all that because I wanted those things so badly, and he did too. That if maybe I said it, that future could somehow happen. I knew though that those words hit him deep. Chin quivering slightly, he searched my eyes as I went on. “I love you, Casey! I love you! I will always love you. I love you more than those words mean! I love you with all my heart, all of my soul!”
I began crying harder again, not being able to help myself as I felt night coming in faster, approaching us in a challenging atmosphere. At least he didn’t seem deathly ill yet. However, it was hitting him. He was much weaker than earlier. It didn’t stop his hands on my cheeks from guiding me down to him, kissing me and consuming my lips.
“How am I going to say goodbye to the woman I love?” he gently whispered when his mouth broke slightly from mine. Looking into his eyes, hearing the broken note in his voice, I knew that my words sunk into him and that he loved me for it.
Breathing hard, swallowing my loud cries back, I looked into his eyes hard. Before I could answer, though…
“What is that?” he asked, eyes leaving mine for a moment, looking around for something that had his attention at the moment.
“What?” I asked, wiping the tears away for a moment.
“Do you hear it?”
We listened for a moment more, my ears straining for a sound he had apparently heard.
And then… “Oh my god,” I breathed. I heard it.
Chapter 68
I sat up in an instant, trying to listen more as Casey did as well, laying in the grass in front of me. On my knees, ears straining, a low buzzing sound reached me. I couldn’t see anything as my eyes frantically searched the area. But the sound was there, teasing and calling for us to find out what it was.
Is it a plane? It sounded like one. Or a helicopter? Some kind of help? Yeah right. I told myself it wasn’t because it couldn’t be.
“What is that?” I asked. My eyes tearing from the empty sky and the surrounding forest, I looked back down where he was laying on his back in the grass.
We both were thinking that this sounded like help. Doubt filled his face, though, hesitant to accept the idea that there is hope. He didn’t want to believe it was help, especially at this point. He didn’t want his hopes crushed when he didn’t have that kind of energy.
I knew that we both wanted that more than anything, wanted help especially now. But no matter how much he wanted that to be true, he wouldn’t allow himself to think that. “Janice,” he said in warning, knowing what I was thinking. We sat there, me looking around and straining to hear but I couldn’t hear it anymore. It faded and seemed to be gone, whatever it was. However, that sound did give me hope. That hope wasn’t going away.
Looking down at him again, I cringed at the doubt that was growing on his face. This would just hurt him, me having hope that it was help. I knew where he was coming from. He figured it wasn’t help because it just couldn’t be. Not with our luck and the extremely slim chance. He was sure it was something else. There is no way help would show up. It would be too ironic, too close.
Impossible, though? No.
Every moment spent sitting here, that chance for help was fading. That noise had faded, and if that was a help, it was probably moving away. I didn’t know what to do. Whether or not to start looking around or to go to the beach and look up in the sky…
At that thought, I knew that I had to do that. The beach didn’t have trees in the way, blocking my view of the sky. I could see, maybe. That was a big maybe too. Such a small chance but… Casey could live. That is
if I could find the sound of that source… If it was in fact, help… If they saw me and if they actually helped.
“I need to go,” I muttered, knowing if I wanted to find it, it was better to leave now. I started getting to my feet, but I felt Casey grab my arm with a weak hand from where he was laying. I looked back down at him, his face scared and stubborn.
“Where are you going?”
“To find whatever that was. I’ll look from the beach and maybe be able to see it. I need to try. It could be help. We need to know, need to see—”
“It’s probably a bird or something,” he said, eyes begging.
His eyes in mine made my stomach twist. I saw he was hurting. I also felt in my gut that with every second staying here, our possible chance was leaving.
That’s when I heard it again. Just barely but it was there, a soft buzz and that same noise. It wouldn’t leave my mind that maybe it could mean Casey would live.
“That sounds like a bird? Have you ever heard a bird like that?” I said in a rush, needing to leave, to find it. I needed to act! All we have done is wait. Wait and wait and for what? Him to die! There was nothing we could have done about it and it drove me nuts. All we could do was just sit here. But now, with the smallest possibility, I could act and maybe make a difference. The biggest difference in our lives.
He sighed. “No, but we can’t get our hopes up like that —”
“And what if it is a plane?” I pushed.
“Then, where the hell is it? I don’t see it or hear it anymore. It’s not a plane,” he said. As he said that, that noise, the sound it made, whatever it was, was gone. The ringing or soft buzzing had faded away, and I could no longer hear it. Meaning it may be further away now, leaving. I needed to go look for it.
“You want us to take that chance to save a little hurt? Casey,” I scoffed. “We are already hurting. What’s a little more if it is not a plane? We need to know. Please.” I needed to go! Why couldn’t he understand, or at least let me try to find it? “The more seconds that pass, the further away it could be!” That is if it was indeed a help.
His grasp on my arm began to shake. “The more seconds that pass, the more seconds I’m losing with you!”
I felt my heart go cold. He was dying, and we didn’t have much time left together. I understood, and it made my heart ache. I could either go and look for what could be help or stay here with him like he wanted.
“Please stay here with me. There is no plane.”
I didn’t want to leave him but what choice did I have? I felt tears return and fall again. I knew where he was coming from. But how can I take that chance and not look if it happened to be help?
It was hard. I didn’t want to leave him at all, but if there was even a small chance to save him, I was going to take it. I needed to go!
“Casey, you’re going to be fine by the time I get back. I won’t be gone for long, and we won’t lose much time between us. I don’t want to waste precious time with you, but there is a chance! Please let me go.” I swallowed hard. “If I don’t see it or hear it, I will be back. Very soon. Okay?”
“You know I am getting weaker each minute right? I need more time with my girl.”
I managed to speak through my tears which were falling harder. “That’s why I need to do this! I would regret not looking if there was a chance we could get all our time back!”
I felt his grasp loosen, and his hand slid down my arm, grasping my hand. He pursed his lips and nodded. “Then go. You can go, okay? I understand that this could save us. But go now and hurry.” He spoke fast, quickly and wanting me to go.
I nodded and started to move, knowing I had to hurry. As I began to turn and get up from where I was kneeling, I looked down the stream to where I needed to run. Though he told me to go, his hand tightened. I felt him pull me back down to the ground next to him and whipped me back in his direction. He swiftly grabbed my back and pulled me down, giving me a loving and sweet kiss. With him grasping my hand firm, he forced us to break away.
“I’ll be here when you get back… But get back quick. I need you. And… say you love me,” he asked with just a soft breath on my lips.
I nodded. “I love you.”
He swallowed hard but smiled. “Now, hurry.”
I forced myself to my feet, his warm hand slipping from mine as I stood. My mind was already racing with possibilities this entire time. One that involved getting my hopes up way too high. It led me to grab the first-aid kit as well as the flint and stone we use for fires. I swiped those off the ground as I rushed down the creek. I began to run.
My feet pounded against the ground, brushing hard above the cool grass we had walked over many times before. It seemed to take forever, especially without the sound of the buzzing. I knew that whatever it was had gone away. Whether into the distance or out of my range, I didn’t know. It was gone, and I was probably too late, but I still needed to look.
Funny enough, at that thought, I heard it again! I ran fast, moving past the shadowy trees and black creek. God, what is that noise? Please be help, please! That noise was coming from far away and off to my side, but it sounded high. I could have sworn that it was a helicopter or something.
I ran, the sound getting louder. Oh god, please be help. I reached the beach, breaking away from the dark woods and creek beside me and into a wide space.
The noise I heard… it had gotten even louder. However, stepping out onto the sand, looking up, that sound passed with the sight of what it was. My mouth dropped open, my heart spinning somewhere in space with my mind. My breath becoming hard to catch, the noise came again and louder. It was high up among the stars. A few dim lights glowed from it. I was overcome with… everything.
A helicopter. It was a fucking helicopter!
“Oh!” I gasped, so much going through me. My eyes following it in front of me, out over the dark ocean, I saw it was about to pass us and where we were. But I needed it! I needed help! Help!
“Help!” I heard myself shouting, running out towards it as I dropped the kit and stones in the sand. I didn’t know my feet had hit the waves of cold water until the water was up to my thighs and freezing as I was screaming. Waving my arms, subconsciously, I shouted and yelled. “Hey! HEY! HELP! HELP!”
There were so many things going through my mind, all coming together to make one thought: get the thing to see me! To see that we were here, alive, and needed — so desperately needed — help! That’s all that went through my mind as I watched it soar over the ocean, moving parallel to the shore. It took me a minute to realize that shouting and waving my arms wasn’t going to help.
I watched in horror as the helicopter passed where I was standing in the water, freezing. It kept going, following the water and moving away, further away. It was already far out over the ocean. The sound was fading as was the small dim lights on it. It was leaving.
I managed to think again and remember my idea before running to the beach. While I was debating with Casey, I tried thinking about what I would do if it were a plane or helicopter. It made me so happy that I grabbed the first-aid kit along with the stones.
I didn’t think it would actually come to this. I was so glad that I thought ahead though because sure enough, it was a source for rescue. And it could help if I moved fast.
I ran back up the shore, my wet feet and legs working over the dry and sticky sand as I moved. I quickly found the first-aid kit and the two stones that could give me fire.
After falling on my knees before the stones and the kit, I took a shaky breath. I looked up in the sky and could hardly see it anymore. That soft buzz was still there, but I knew that would be fading fast too.
I grabbed one of the bottles of the flammable solutions from the kit. Picking up the stone and flint, I ran back towards the trees and into the forest. I didn’t stop to see where it was at this point. I wasn’t even paying attention if I could hear it. I just moved faster towards my goal.
And that goal… was to grab the pilot’s attent
ion. I was willing to put a huge chunk of this island through a firestorm if I had to.
Chapter 69
Luckily, as I entered the woods, I found a lot of dead trees – many still standing and some on the ground. I found a lot of dry brush too. I knew the weather contributed, but I could thank that massive storm for the dead trees. It was perfect that they lined the beach, right in full sight. Not to mention when I get the fire going strong enough, it will spread through the trees, especially with many dead along the line. I just hope that it will catch the pilot’s attention.
To get it started, though, my shaky hands scrambled, pulling in dry brush and leaves at the base of one of the standing dead trees. Dry and dead branches laid all around too, giving me a lot of hope for this. I had a right to hope at this point too. This fire was going to grow – fast.
My breath hard and my heart breaking as every second passed, I got it together and stood straight over the dry pile. I unscrewed the flammable solution and dowsed the area with it. Hastily, I splashed some on trees further down before throwing the empty bottle in too. With the darkness making it hard to see, it made me feel antsy knowing it would be as bright as day in a moment. I just needed to get a spark.
When I raced to drop to my knees in front of the dead and dry nature, all that was going through my mind was that this had to work. As I was kneeling, I took the flint in one hand and the worn stone in my other. Panicking, I tried striking the two pieces together. But I missed because I was shaking so hard, so violently, that the stones didn’t even slide together.
I gasped and took shallow breaths, my tears still coming. I felt my whole body shake and knew that I needed to calm down. I shook my head, trying to get it together, but I couldn’t! Not with everything going through my head!
Calm down, calm down.... Calm. Just relax. Casey is fine, I am fine. We will be fine no matter what happens. We will be together again if the worst happens. We will be okay. I repeated those words over and over again in my head, pulling myself together. I needed to be calm.