by Tia Williams
* * *
• • •
When Jay showed up at Fresh Hair, he was shocked to find that his presence elicited even the smallest smile from Tammy. She motioned for him to join her in the back office, and he followed her, closing the door behind him.
He stood in front of her for a moment, not knowing if he was allowed to hug her. Instead, he awkwardly half-offered, half-shoved the tea in Tammy’s direction, in a move reminiscent of Billie’s the night she gave it to him.
“What is this?”
“It’s a gift. For you—I want you to have it. You like tea, so…”
“Oh. Thanks,” she said, examining the package. “It’s chamomile and lavender, the relaxing blend. That’s my favorite.”
“You know how I do.” Jay grinned at her, proudly.
Tammy looked at the cocky, clueless man before her, took a deep breath, and expelled all the negative energy from her body. “Okay, let’s get right to the point. I wanted you to come here today because I have something very important to tell you.”
“I’m listening.”
“I love you.”
“Me too, Tammy. That’s why—”
“No, Jay. Stop talking and listen to me. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have been my entire life.”
“What?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t know, Jay.”
The color seemed to drain from his face with understanding. He felt like he just got shot in the stomach. This couldn’t be what all of this was about. No, no, no! How could he have been so stupid not to see it? Tammy was in love with him? He thought they had an explicit understanding. That they were best friends, brothers. That sometimes they slept together but it was purely…well, familial, somehow. And she had a man, for Christ’s sake.
“But you had a man…”
“Pete was just a front.”
“A front? You were together for two years!”
“It doesn’t matter. He was a good guy, but he wasn’t…you.” She looked Jay directly in the eyes. “How do you feel about this girl? Do you really love her?”
So this was it. She was jealous of Billie. She was mad at him for falling in love. All the girls before didn’t matter because she knew they didn’t matter to him. But Billie was different. And he’d made things worse by being so opaque and secretive.
“Well, are you going to say something, or are you catatonic?”
“I’m catatonic.”
“Look, this is your chance to come clean. Don’t punk out.”
Jay rubbed his temples and sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. I love her, Tammy. I don’t know. I feel like she’s supposed to be mine.”
Tammy nodded somberly. “I know exactly how that feels.”
“This is a terrible moment.”
“No it’s not,” she said firmly. “I wanted the truth. But I don’t understand why you kept her from me. I don’t know who this girl is, if she’s like, rich or bougie or white or what, but if you plan on keeping her you can’t hide your past. I’m your family, Jay. You can’t hide me forever.”
“It ain’t that. I already told her all about when I was a kid and everything. It’s just that, you know, in the beginning, it’s like…it can maybe be hard for her to understand me being so close to another woman and shit. You know?”
Tammy just looked at him and shook her head. “You’re a goddamn coward. Tell her, Jay. Does she know how we met? Our relationship?”
“Not everything. No.”
She paused a beat. “What are you so afraid of?”
“I just want her to stay, that’s all.”
“You don’t want her to know we used to sleep together.”
“Well, shit…yeah.”
“I can’t believe I let you use me.”
“Use you? I never used anybody. Who are you all of a sudden? Where is this coming from? What we did was out of love, just a different kind.”
“A different kind.” Tammy wanted to knock him out. “When you were lonely, you’d come knocking at my door at like 4 A.M. and we’d fuck. Then you’d disappear for weeks. I was always there when it was convenient for you. Yeah, that kinda love is mad different, Jay.”
He was stunned. That was so not how he saw their relationship. “Naw, man, naw…that ain’t how it was. We had an understanding, right? I mean, I was with other girls, you was with Pete. I thought we knew you and me were a…comfort thing. That’s the way I saw it.”
“Because you can’t see past yourself.” Tammy struggled to keep her voice from cracking. She would not let him see her cry.
“You never said anything…how was I supposed to know? I ain’t a mind reader.”
“God help your girl. You got a lot of work to do on yourself before you can ever really be available to another human being.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Just…forget it.”
“No, I want things to be right between us. I’m sick of this shit. You’re my girl, Tammy. I want us to be family again.”
“It’s always about what you want!”
“You know what? Fuck it.” Jay threw up his hands. “I’m just a callous, brutish motherfucker. But look. If I used you all these years, you let me do it. So what’s that mean?”
Tammy glared at him, silent.
“You got your crystals and aromatherapy and all that other Mr. Miyagi shit, but maybe you the one that’s got a lot of work to do.” With that, Jay stormed out the door. He’d had it.
Tammy stood tapping her foot with her hand on her hips, thinking. After about two seconds, she decided that she didn’t want to lose her best friend, even if he wasn’t in love with her.
And after all, he did have a point. Sort of.
She ran after him through the salon and stopped him outside, in front of the entrance. She threw her arms around him and burst into long-pent-up tears.
“Jay, Jay, please don’t leave. Let’s just forget everything. I wanted the truth. I asked for it.”
“Shhh, shhh, I know,” Jay said, hugging her tight and soothing her. “I’m sorry for everything, Tammy. I’m sorry for so much I don’t even know what I’m sorry for. I just want us to be tight again.”
“Me too.” She pulled his face in front of hers. “I love you, goddammit.”
Jay smiled, wiped her tear-streaked cheeks, and kissed her forehead. “I love you, too.”
“Excuse me?”
Jay and Tammy’s heads spun around. Standing on the sidewalk with eyes as wide as saucers, was Billie.
“Billie!” they both exclaimed simultaneously, followed by Tammy’s baffled, “You’re early! Wait…how do you know her?”
“She’s my girlfriend,” he said with a nervous grin. His life flashed before his eyes. “I was just about to tell you…”
“No!” Tammy couldn’t believe it. What a fucking soap opera!
“She’s right. I am not your girlfriend. I am not your anything.” Billie’s voice was shaking. She was shaking. Just as she was about to turn on her heel for the train, she noticed the tea in Tammy’s hand. Her tea that she’d given him the night they met. “Jay, tell me you didn’t.”
“Billie, I can explain…” He started toward her.
“Don’t come near me,” she spat at him. She turned on a very cold, professional voice to speak to Tammy. “Pandora, we’ll have to reschedule.”
“Of course. But, Billie, please…”
“Just stop,” she said sharply, squeezing her eyes shut. “Jay, I’m leaving. I don’t want to hear from you unless it’s to tell me I had some bad sushi and this was a nightmare. And don’t even think of following me. This isn’t the movies.”
She ran off into the night, leaving Tammy incredulous and Jay crushed.
La
ter, at 3:30 A.M., Billie was sprawled on her sofa blankly watching Golden Girls reruns on Lifetime. It was raining, which was a fitting backdrop for her mood. She was beyond tears. Her eyes were swollen and her throat was scratchy. She felt like she’d been smushed by a waffle iron.
Jay called practically every fifteen minutes, but Billie refused to answer the phone. She even turned down her answering machine so she wouldn’t have to hear his voice. When she first got back from New Jersey, she made only one call—a two-way to Vida and Renee. Horrified, they wanted to come over, but she pretended she was going to sleep. The last thing Billie felt like doing was revisiting tonight’s horror over and over. For now, all she wanted to do was watch Rose tell another bad St. Olaf story.
Buzz! Buzz!
Her doorbell. Billie remained still, but raised an eyebrow. No fucking way. That couldn’t be Jay.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzzzzzz!
It rang and rang until Billie had no choice but to get up and answer it. She padded over to the door in her “I’m miserable” uniform (the Purple Rain concert T-shirt she’d had since she was eight and grandma panties) and pressed the talk button.
“What.”
“It’s Jay. You gotta let me up.”
“I don’t have to do anything. Go away.”
“Let me up, Billie. Please. I gotta explain. It’s not what you think.”
“You don’t know what I think. I’m going back to sleep.”
“I swear to God I’ll ring your buzzer all night long.”
“And you’ll die in the rain like the goddamn dog you are.”
“True, I deserve that. Please. Just for a minute.”
Billie rested her forehead on the door, torn. Even though she thought better of it, she buzzed him up. She unlocked the door and returned to the sofa, telling herself to remain calm. She folded her arms and waited.
Jay came bursting in, soaking wet. He stood by the door, clearly assuming it wasn’t safe to walk in any farther.
“So.”
“So. The reason why you need so much ‘space’ and you’ve been standing me up and being so distant is that you’re in love with someone else. And you’re here to convince me that this isn’t the case. Am I right?”
“You’re so wrong.” He knew he had to start talking quick, before she threw him out. “There’s something I haven’t told you about my past.”
“Oh Jesus, what is this? The ‘Thriller’ video? You’re not like other guys? What.”
“Listen. I’ve known Tammy…er, Pandora, since I was thirteen. But it’s not what you think.” And then he told her everything. The night he met her, the blood, how she saved him. The three days they spent getting her off crack. He told her that he’d bought her salon and her apartment, and that they were like brother and sister. And he told her that they used to sleep together, on and off, but that they were never in love. It was just an extension of their friendship. Jay completely opened up to Billie…he told her she had nothing to be threatened by, nothing to worry about. He had not told her about Tammy because he didn’t think she’d understand him having a relationship that deep with another woman. But he wanted Billie to know Tammy—she was a sweet, loving woman, and he was convinced they’d be fast friends.
When he finished his speech, Jay looked at Billie expectantly. There was a huge, pregnant pause. Finally, Billie smiled.
Jay breathed a tremendous sigh of relief. “I knew you’d get it.”
Billie nodded pleasantly, but remained silent.
“So, I was thinking maybe we could get up for dinner or something…”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, yeah. What do you think?”
“That would be cute. I have an even better idea.” Billie leaped from the sofa and got in his face. “Take your fucked-up girl and your fucked-up baggage and get the HELL OUT OF MY LIFE.”
“Come again?”
“How dare you come in here with this hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold shit? Who the fuck do you think I am?”
“Whoa. Chill, chill. You know my story, Billie. Don’t act surprised.”
“Surprised? I’m floored. Pandora, the humble hairdresser to the stars, was a crackhead whore named Tammy? My boyfriend is her sugar daddy? I’m going to kill myself.”
“Here we go with the drama…”
“How could you lie to me?”
“I was gonna tell you, it’s just…a complicated situation.”
“Jay, what were you thinking? You had every chance in the world to come clean, and you didn’t. When I think of all the times I mentioned her…oh my God! And she was talking about you! To me! You were the shady on-and-off sort-of-boyfriend.”
“But I was never her boyfriend. It was this whole, fucked-up, unrequited thing. This is what I’m trying to explain.”
“I feel like such an idiot. How could you let me go on about her, and not say anything? How could you put me in this position? What if we figured it out at an event or something? You knew you were going to get found out, sooner or later.”
“Billie…”
“How could you lie to me?”
“On the off chance that you’d react like this? I shoulda known.”
“Should’ve known what? Oh forgive me, Jay. Forgive me for not being from the hood, for not being from such tragic beginnings. For not being as bonded in the struggle as you and Pandora. Poor me. I’ll never get it. I’ll never know how it feels to have to fuck to have some tenderness in my life.”
“That’s very ill, Billie. That’s very ill.”
“Oh, look at this. Now you’re mad? Let me ask you something, Jay. How could you give her my tea? It was my first gift to you, how could you?”
“Why you trippin’ off that? That wasn’t no real gift…you just gave it to me to be doing something.”
“That doesn’t matter! It’s what it symbolizes! It was a special moment!”
“Symbolizes? Oh God, Billie. You didn’t want it and I ain’t never gonna use it and she will. That’s all. I ain’t the sentimental type. Can’t afford to be.”
“Oh, okay. Good to know. And I have one for you: I’m not this girl. I’m not supposed to be this girl.”
“This girl. What girl?”
“The girl wrapped up in a ghetto love triangle.”
“Guess what, Billie. If you’re here, you’re that girl.”
“The hell I am.”
“Besides, it ain’t a love triangle! I don’t know what I got to tell you, damn!”
“I don’t care what you call it. Where I come from, Pandora would be your girlfriend. After all these years and everything you’ve been through, you’d probably be married. Why aren’t you with her? It doesn’t make sense! This is some ghetto shit that I don’t understand. Don’t pull me into it.”
“Look, I ain’t pulling you into shit. You ain’t here under threat of death.”
“I guess you expect me to just be some ride-or-die bitch, right?” Billie was on a roll. “To just stick through all your bullshit? To just accept that you have a whole other life with this woman? To take you however I can get you? I’m not one of those girls in the hood that has no choice but to cling to her trifling man and deal with baby’s mama drama and hide the drugs in her weave because he keeps her laced in the latest Chinatown Gucci ensembles or whatever. Hello? News flash? I don’t need it.”
Jay stared at her like she was from a different planet. “Yo, you really need to stop watching all that Rap City.”
“I’m serious, Jay. I’ve had it.”
“Look, this is my life. I’ve been in ugly situations, but I made it out. And Tammy was there. End of story. It ain’t neat, it ain’t pretty, and it might be ‘ghetto’ to you, but there it is.” He paused. “I am who I am. Either you with it or you not.”
“Maybe I’m not wi
th it.”
“No?”
“No! I’m not!” screamed Billie, pushing Jay back against the door with all her strength. “I’m tired of worrying about your life all the time. I worry to death about what you had to go through as a kid. I stay up at night, crying about it. I excuse you from so much because you’ve had such a fucked-up life.” Billie launched into a faux-Jay voice. “‘Oh, I came from nothin’, book deals don’t happen to people like me. I have to write, so I’m gonna stand you up at the movies, and dinner with your boss…’”
“That ain’t fair, Billie. I never wanted you to feel sorry for me. Ever!”
“It doesn’t matter, I do anyway! I worry, worry, worry and I’m sick of it! I’m sick of your life, I’m sick of the streets, I’m sick of your story, I’m done.” She paused, catching her breath. “We’re from two different worlds. Maybe we can’t work.”
“You serious?”
“I can’t believe you gave Andre money to buy drugs.”
Jay just looked at her, disbelieving. “That’s been killin’ you, huh?”
“How could you fuck her if she’s like your sister? And then give her money, too? It’s like you’re her pimp.” She eyed him with utter disgust. “It’s…it’s uncivilized.”
He flinched, then chuckled. “You’re a bitch.”
Billie slapped him as hard as she could. Instinctively, his right hand balled into a fist, but after a beat he dropped it. Billie saw this and glared at him archly, a triumphant look in her eyes. He wanted to kill her. Instead, he grabbed the front of her T-shirt and slammed her hard against the wall, her feet barely touching the ground. And then seared her mouth with a kiss so devastating she didn’t know what hit her. For a couple of seconds. Then, she realized what was happening and turned her head away. She tried to wrench free, but Jay grabbed her arms and pinned them to her sides. She was literally trapped between a rock and a hard place.
“Let go.” Billie’s tone was harsh, but she was quivering from head to toe. “You’re hurting me.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”