The joint didn’t last too long, and I did not hesitate to immediately crack open the bottle of whisky. The resplendent sea of clouds continued to drift throughout, and leaning down I closed my eyes. It became easier; with the company of substance I was able to remember the moments. The anger of Hasini’s face when we first met, the way she talked endlessly of her life and dreams witnessed by the glazing moon, and of course the moment I knew for sure. We were eye to eye on the dance floor, with no distance between us, and none but the moon to watch over us. I realized something then, the moon nurtured the love between Hasini and myself; it was under the presence of the moon and the stars where some of the most memorable moments were made.
A few gulps of alcohol, the calm feeling of memories helped me feel alive, but it didn’t last too long as I was interrupted by a rude knocking on my door.
Chapter 7 - Change Is Good?
They did not give up; it was the entire family who stood before me. They have tried to come over a numerous amount of times, in attempts to talk to me. It always failed, not like today would make a difference. Benny was the first to rush in.
“What the hell is this,” he questioned, with an expression of disbelief.
“You’re smoking Marijuana? Who the hell do you think you are, a dumb teenager? How much longer are you going to be like this Arrun, you look like shit! You’ve lost your job because you stopped going, you live in a nice place that you’ve turned in a hellhole. Like really? Get some fucking light in this place! What’s with all this drinking? If you want to drink, you’ve got three brothers who’d love to go out with you sometime. Let us in bro, we need you to be the Arrun we love. We don’t even know you anymore.”
“What do you know,” I grumbled.
Everyone drifted to a state of shock; it has been a really long time since they have actually heard me speak. I have kept loads of emotions locked in for the past few months, and it must be the alcohol, but I could not bare people speaking without knowing my pain.
“What do you know? No! Tell me what the hell do you know? Do you know what it feels like to lose someone you love? When we lost Sarah it was easier, we were able to deal with it together, why? Well its because we all loved her the same, but it wasn’t like that with Hasini. No words can express how much I loved her. Every time I close my eyes, she’s right there! What am I supposed to do? You want me to talk to you guys about her? Do you really think that’ll help me forget her? Cause it won’t! Right here, this spot right here is where I dropped to my knees when the officer called me. She’s gone Benny, she’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do that will bring her back to me! Rohini, how would it feel if you lost Akil? Do you think you’d be able to handle it? I feel like dying Rohini! I just want to die! I can’t bear to live in a world without her. I want to just let my life go, but is it what Hasini would want? What if I die and that’s it? I can’t let those memories die along with me just to escape a world without her. Asha, remember the amount of times you’ve told me how lucky I was? Thiru, Mahat, do you guys remember her with us in the lobby of the hotel that one time? How she smiled? That day in the mortuary, when I removed the white clothe and saw her lay there without life. I knew that I’ll never see that smile again…it crushed me; I died in those very seconds.”
Dropping to my knees, I could not bear it anymore. The locked emotions, turned tears; banging the floor, I fell to my back. Thiru and Mahat picked me up, placing me back on the couch; they sat next to me trying to console a shattered soul. My tears continuously dropped, and as I took a look up, Benny stood without words. Asha and Rohini both in tears themselves; my family has never seen me cry before and I did not want this to happen. But there is only so much a person could hold back before they break, and I could not bear it anymore.
Benny leaning down towards me began to speak, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were holding back so much. Arrun, we need you to let us back in though.” I wanted them to be back, but at the same time, being alone seemed more therapeutic.
They remained for an hour more before they left; no one spoke. We all just sort of sat in a circle; it must have been hard for them to say anything. Neither one of them had a clue about the heartache I was holding back.
Soon after they left I once again resorted to intoxication as my escape, it was the only thing that helped.
With everyday that passed, my methods for escape got worse. I began seeing Remone often. Never really spoke to him, just got what I needed and made way in my own direction. Time was not healing these wounds, six months passed since Hasini’s passing, and life was still just as dreadful. Getting involved in something may help, but for now the inebriation eases me enough.
I knew that I was personally allowing my life to fall apart. I’m practically broke, and without the alcohol and marijuana I became unable to function.
~
The time was 2:34am, and not content to my daily dose I decided to meet up with Remone who lives approximately two blocks away. When I gave him a call, he asked me to meet me in the alleyway behind his condo. It was an abnormally quiet night in the streets of downtown Toronto. I was making a turn around the corner when I saw a few cars surrounded by a cluster of men. These guys did not look like any ordinary citizens; there was something wrong about them. I continued making way towards the alleyway when I was stopped by one of the men. “Who are you here to see,” he questioned. “Remone,” I responded; the man did not speak another word, he simply moved over to the side and let me pass.
There had to be a reason for all this hostility, but it didn’t really bug me. I just wanted to get the marijuana and leave. I was left in awe when I walked deeper into the alleyway; Marona Duranji, one of the world’s most dreaded men stood in my presence. He has been in the news a numerous amount of times; many want him dead, but that is difficult with the support of the government officials he has got on a global scale. Nevertheless, even the criminal phenomenon couldn’t get my mind off things.
Marona was too far into discussion with a few other individuals to acknowledge my presence; but Remone did recognize my arrival. “Arrun,” he called out with enthusiasm. It didn’t make sense to me, because we weren’t even that close. With every step he took forward he harassed me about the money I have been expected to pay up. For the past few weeks I have been telling Remone that I will pay him the next day, but it was just my method of trying to push back as far as I can.
“Hey Buddy, you’ve got that money you owe me?” He asked.
“Remone, I don’t have it today man, but I’ll have it for sure tomorrow!” I replied.
“Oh right, that’s totally fine with me. I’m guessing you’d like for me to pass you another gram of marijuana? So you can head back home and smoke till you stop crying of your dead fiancée.”
The way Remone spoke, it pulled chords. He was triggering a rage from within, a form of temper I have never felt before. I could have let the anger get the best of me, but anger is yet to save lives. Besides, it is obvious that he’s linked to the really friendly looking people around me; hitting him may end up being the death of me. Death was not the issue though; it was more about waiting to see how far he goes.
Looking around I noticed that he was making me look like a joke, some of the men around us were laughing, and it was pretty obvious that I am now the center of attention. There is only so much I can bare allowing him to speak. Looking to my left I noticed that I even caught the attention of Marona. But there was a flaw in reality in that very moment, a few meters from Marona a man pulled out his pistol, setting aim for the kingpin himself.
I don’t think my thought process has ever worked so quickly, I had two options. I could either watch as Marona gets shot, and then watch to see if the shooter gets away, or I can try and stop the shooter. Was risking my life to save some criminal really worth it though? For the greater good it would be better to just let him die, but maybe I can use this as an opportunity. An opportunity is exactly how I saw it; rushing towards Marona I saw his eyes opening
wide in shock. Running just past him I tackled the shooter to the ground.
With the shooter on the ground, I received a bullet through my right shoulder. I can’t remember the last time I saw my own blood, but the wound with the river of blood flowing was definitely mine. Lying there on my back, I gazed deep into the sky, and wondered if this could be the end? That’s when I realized that I should not fear death, and I should not allow death to get me so easily. The only way to keep the memories Hasini and I shared, is if I remain alive.
As my eyes began to close, I prayed to wake up to life once again. I wanted to wake up to a new life, one where death and loss would no longer be able to continuously torture me.
Part 2: There’s Good In Bad
Chapter 8 - A Welcomed Challenge
It was so easy; I thought the mental torture of killing someone would drive me insane, but it felt great. It felt great to be the one to take. I have become so accustomed to losing lives around me, that even something as terrifying as murder made me feel better.
I watched as the dead body was dragged away by two henchmen. Remone was ecstatic; he came and embraced me like we were family. I would have never thought I would be a criminal, but I have to say, it helped me a lot. My mind became more focused on the man I killed over the loss of Hasini. I started to believe that actions like this can help me build a wall, one to block out her death.
Many of the guys were showering me with praises, and it felt completely odd. I mean, I killed a person, but they promote me as a hero or something. Out in the real world, where the normal people walk, what I did today would not have been accepted in a similar fashion. I was not complaining though; I mean I wasn’t speaking much, just listening as the rest of the men spoke, but I felt a sense of belonging.
Remone was the one to offer me a ride home; seeing how I didn’t really know any of the other guys, it made sense to go with him. On our way home we drove through the bridge, the bridge where the accident took place. Looking out the window, I stared upon the easy resting water, as I always have. Though this time around, my constant wishes for Hasini seemed to have disappeared.
“You good man?” Asked Remone, curious of my silence.
“Yeah, just trying to figure out the last few hours,” I responded, as I continued to look out the window.
I had no intention of venting or whining about Hasini any longer, to anyone. I have an opportunity here, a second chance to try and feel alive again, and continuously crying about the past wont help. As a software engineer I can be a very valuable asset to many companies. I can make the money that a lot of people would wish for, I can continue living in a great condo, drive fancy cars, and most of all, be with my family. I don’t want to do it anymore though, I can’t. Going back to that routine lifestyle is just going to bring back old scars. Besides, I’m already too deep to get out of the water now.
“Arrun man, you’re probably drenched in thoughts right now. I don’t blame you either, those last few hours were pretty damn hectic. First off, I owe you an apology. Mentioning your fiancée last night, that wasn’t cool. It’s just the way I talk to most of my customers; I don’t really care about them, I sell and they give me money, that’s it. Earlier today, when you pulled out my holstered gun, I was thinking that I really fucked up! If you were to have shot any of our men, you would have died, and then after you were dealt with, I would have gotten killed for being so stupid. But man oh man! You’ve got some serious nerve my friend, like where the hell did that even come from? BANG! It’s like a scene from a movie; it just keeps playing over and over again in my head. Honestly bro, you really impressed Marona; impressing the king of the empire, that’s not easy. You my friend are something different, and we’re going to be family now brother, and trust me you have no clue of the life you’re in for.”
Remone just kept speaking endlessly, and I really wanted him to shut up, but I would momentarily look over and simply grin. What would I even say? I mean, I didn’t even know what was going through my head when I wanted to kill the guy, how am I supposed to explain it to anyone else? His apology seemed sincere enough for me; I could tell he was trying to get along, and the least I could do was try and be his friend.
It only took us twenty minutes to get home, but it felt like such a long drive. While I was getting out of the car Remone called out to me, “Don’t forget, we leave for India in a week! Get all your shit done.” I didn’t even consider the amount of work that I had cut out for me. I had to manage selling the condo, even the furniture, and I didn’t even know how I was going to let my family know about everything.
~
A week’s time drifted by pretty fast, mostly because majority of it went by with me trying to find a buyer for the condo. I thought my condo would sell easily, seeing how it’s located in downtown Toronto. I guess I will have to settle with renting it out for now, and it maybe easier, this way I won’t have to worry about selling my furniture either. Who knows, maybe I will return to my life here someday; though I don’t really plan on doing so.
I can finally bear seeing my face in the mirror again. I managed to actually get out of my place for a trim at the local barber. It actually felt kind of nice to be able to see my face, and not feel like a complete cave man.
Remone should be dropping by in an hour or so. Our flight is scheduled to leave at 11am, and with the time being around 8am right now; it’s probably the appropriate time to write the letter to my family.
To my caring family,
I know I’ve really pushed you guys out the past few months. It’s because I can’t be that same Arrun that you all used to love. Its like I lost all care in the world; I’m not able to love like I once did, I can’t sit around and laugh, and I want you guys all to remember me for the Arrun I once was. Rohini, you’re probably the first to read this. I wanted you to read it first because it’d be better if you explain this to the family. I’m going to be leaving to India; in fact by the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone. I don’t know when or if I’ll come back; I need this though, I need it to feel alive again. What I’m going to be doing there, I can’t share. Rohini, I’d really appreciate it if none of you guys come looking for me. I need the time and space.
Love,
Arrun.
While sitting down on the couch I was curious, of what cross roads my life will meet. To this point everything has just been unforeseen, and for some odd reason I do not think it is going to change any time soon. Feeling a consistent vibration in my pocket I noticed Remone was calling. It was almost 10am, and after letting Remone know I was on my way down I sent Rohini a quick text. “Could you swing by my place today,” it read, but I was hesitating to press send. I could not stop questioning whether I was doing the right thing or not. Once again, I let myself know that this is the path I chose, and it is on me to follow through with it. After I pressed send, I stuck the note to the front door and made my way downstairs.
After we made it to the airport, I was in complete awe. The amount of henchmen to secure a safe send off for Marona was just unbelievable. It looked as if the henchmen made up twenty percent of the airports population. Marona seemed pretty happy to see me, “Arrun my boy,” he called out with joy. Standing with his arms out, I was pretty sure he was expecting a hug; and a hug was exactly what I gave him as he continued to speak.
“Kid, I don’t know where on Earth you came from, but if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here right now. I could care less of how you’ve lived your life to this point; I’ve got two sons, and henceforth you are the third. I want you to get involved in all our activities. I don’t usually trust someone so soon, but there’s something about you.”
In all honesty I was not expecting so much attention from Marona. When he said I was coming to Tamil Nadu with him I thought I would just be another one of his henchmen. A son? I did not see that coming at all; I have never had a father figure in my life. It was actually something I have always wanted, and after speaking to Marona, I actually look forward to where my
choice will lead me.
After Marona spoke to me, we were ready for departure. We went through security clearance, and made way towards the gate. I was assuming that we would board a flight with many other citizens, but they had a private jet! These guys were the real deal; slowly I began progressing in thoughts. Maybe I didn’t make such a bad choice? Then again I was smart enough to know not to judge this lifestyle till I see what Chennai had in store for me.
Cross Roads: Pick a Path Page 5