‘I think so.’
‘We should have helped! I know we should have helped!’ With every word her voice edged nearer to a scream. Realising it, she pressed both her hands to her mouth and began sobbing.
‘They’d have killed us an’ all, you idiot!’ he whispered, glancing nervously about as though expecting the men to pounce on him from the darkness. He straightened up, keeping his eyes fixed on the sprawled figure. ‘God Almighty!’ He shook his head in disbelief. ‘They’ve battered the poor bugger to a pulp.’ He pointed down. ‘Look at him… look at his legs. If he’s not dead, he’ll never walk again, that’s for sure.’ He shook his head again. ‘Madmen,’ he murmured, ‘Bloody madmen!’ When his horrified sweetheart began sobbing again, he gripped her to him. ‘We’d best get help,’ he said, glancing once more at the broken, lifeless form. ‘That’s the least we can do,’ he told her, drawing away from the bloodied scene. But he saw no need to hurry.
* * *
Beth woke with a start. It was still dark in the room, but through the chink in the slightly parted curtains, she could see a glimmer of light. She did not know how long she had been asleep, only that her dreams had been greatly troubled. Turning in the bed, she stared trance-like at the incoming shaft of hazy light, her uneasy mind going over the events of last evening, the many treasured images flicking in and out of her consciousness and disturbing her even more. So much so that sleep was now impossible.
In a moment she got up from the bed and put on her dressing gown. The air struck cold as she went on bare feet to the window. Shivering, she drew the cord tighter around her waist, folding her arms against her body and hugging herself. Sliding back the curtains, she looked out over the familiar skyline; tall irregular chimneys and higgledy-piggledy roofs shrouded in a blanket of rising fog that floated upwards to the sky. Ambiguous, clearly visible one minute and lost to sight the next, the awkward buildings seemed without substance, somehow unreal, emerging and disappearing like ghosts in the mind. And yet, it was all so comforting to Beth; reassuringly friendly and familiar. Raising her dark eyes to the sky, she watched the far-off clouds playing hide and seek with the rising dawn. She thought about life… and death. About love and fear. Of all the emotions that murmured through her, ‘fear’ was paramount. Fear that even now Tyler was many miles away; fear that he might forget her; fear that he would stop loving her. And, above all, fear that they might never again be together.
The heartfelt prayer began deep inside her, spoken now with a passion that was bitter-sweet. ‘Dear God, don’t take him from me for ever. I love him so.’ Without her realising it, the tears were coursing down her face, warm and surprising against the coolness of her skin. With a heavy, yet hopeful, heart, she gazed at the sky a while longer, until the clouds began to disperse and the sun brought his face over the distant horizon. She felt tired, incredibly weary. Yet she knew she would not be able to sleep. Not now. Not when Tyler was so alive in her mind. Going to the bedside, she slipped her feet into soft flat shoes. Then, after lighting the candle which stood in its shiny brass holder on the dresser, she held it before her and went on quiet footsteps out of the room; catching her breath and remaining motionless for a moment when the sound of the door closing seemed to echo through the house. Satisfied that she had not woken anyone, she continued on her way, along the landing and down the stairs into the kitchen.
‘Ben!’ On opening the kitchen door, she was startled to see her brother seated at the big pine table. The only light in the room was from the small window high up in the wall above the sink. He had been huddled over the table when she came through the door, but now he swung round, his eyes puffed and tired. When he saw that it was Beth, he seemed relieved. ‘Oh, it’s you,’ he said. ‘You couldn’t sleep either, eh?’
Placing the candle on the table between them, she asked, ‘What’s wrong, Ben? You look awful.’
‘Couldn’t settle, that’s all’ he told her, his smile unconvincing. ‘Too hot… uncomfortable.’ He chose not to burden her with the truth, that he had accumulated heavy gambling debts and that he had only a short time in which to find the money, or the organisation would carry out their threat to approach his father. He would do almost anything to avoid such a confrontation. Filled with shame and regret, he had feverishly searched his mind for a way out. But there was none. Trapped and desperate, he had toyed with the idea of going to his mother. She had forgiven him many things in the past… but gambling? No. He knew in his heart that she would never tolerate such weakness. Now, as he looked at Beth, seeing her genuine concern for him and knowing that above all people she would want to help him, he was greatly tempted to confess everything to her. She had a little money of her own, he knew, although he did not know how much or whether it would be enough to satisfy his debt. Suddenly, he was mortified with shame. Afraid that she might somehow know the awful thoughts in his mind, he turned away.
‘You’re worried about something, aren’t you, Ben?’ Beth knew her brother too well not to realise when something was wrong. ‘Is it me? Are you worried about me… and Tyler?’ When he gave no answer she came and stood beside him, running her fingers through his wayward fair hair and telling him fondly, ‘Oh, you mustn’t worry. Everything will be fine. I just know it will.’
When he looked up, his warm brown eyes were smiling. He clenched his fingers over her small hand. Reminding himself that he was not the only one with troubles, and knowing the awful upheaval that had been caused in this house because of Beth’s relationship with Tyler Blacklock he said, ‘Are you sure everything’ll be all right?’ There was a momentary impulse of anger towards her, but he pushed it down.
She thought for a moment, unable to answer his question in all truthfulness. If wishing made things come right, then she and Tyler would not be apart for too long and would live out a full and wonderful life together; but wishes did not always come true, just as prayers were not always answered. And so she spoke from the heart when she replied, ‘I believe everything will come right for us, Ben. I must believe that, or there will be nothing for me.’ The strength and conviction in her voice made him afraid.
‘Sit here, Beth… opposite me, where I can see you,’ he murmured, gesturing to the seat at the other side of the table. When, after a moment, she did as he asked, he said quietly, ‘I love you… you know that, don’t you, Beth?’
‘Yes, I know you do.’
‘And it’s because I love you that I have to say what I feel.’ He reached out and placed his hand over hers, pressing it to the table. ‘Are you so sure you’re doing the right thing? This affair with Tyler. Look at the turmoil it’s caused in this house. You know if you go on seeing him, Mother will do all she can to break you up… by fair means or foul.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know well enough what I mean, Beth. She’s made no secret of her opinions. And you know what she’s capable of if she sets her mind to it.’
‘I know better than anyone what she’s “capable of”, and am well aware of her opinions… that he’s not good enough for me… that she would make sure Father cut me off without a penny if I married Tyler… that she’d enjoy seeing us live in poverty if I defied her. And it would serve me right for not having had the sense to marry the eligible and respectable Wilson Ryan… whose father just happens to be on his last legs, and about to turn his entire business over to his only son!’
In her anger she instinctively rose to her feet and thumped her two clenched fists on the table-top, demanding in a low fierce voice, ‘Why should I care what she thinks? Did she care how I felt when she locked me away for days on end, cold and hungry, terrified of the dark, and afraid to sleep because of what she took great delight in telling me… that the rats ate naughty children like me?’ Suddenly all the unbearable memories were back, as vivid and horrifying as if they had happened only yesterday. ‘I was a child, Ben… just a child, who had done nothing to deserve such barbaric punishment.’ She did not turn to look at him. Instead she dropped her head low
and closed her eyes, but the memories would not be shut out. They were locked into her mind for all time.
‘Can’t you forget it, Beth? For your own sake, can’t you leave it all in the past?’ He knew what she was going through. He had tried so hard to share her dreadful periods of punishment when they were children; feeling guilty when he was always spared, even though he and Beth were partners in whatever innocent childish exploits had made Esther Ward lock the girl away.
‘No.’ She clung to his hand. ‘I can’t forget. Oh, I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. But it’s her who won’t let me forget, because she’s still the same wicked person she always was. Everything she does, everything she says… the way she looks at me, keeps me remembering. She hates me. She’s always hated me.’ She swung round, her dark eyes alive with pain. ‘Why?’ She raised her hands and wiped away the tears; tears of anguish, tears of frustration. ‘Why does she hate me so?’
He shook his head. There was nothing he could say in answer to Beth’s heartfelt question. All his life, he too had wondered, just as his sister had; although Ben would never have admitted it to anyone. But what he did know was that in defying her mother where Tyler Blacklock was concerned, Beth was isolating herself and making a deadly enemy. ‘Are you sure you’re not trying to punish her by taunting her with Tyler? Give him up, Beth,’ he pleaded now. ‘For God’s sake, give him up.’
Shocked and amazed that he should say such a thing, Beth stared at him. In the flickering candlelight she saw that he looked ill, seeming suddenly older, as though he had aged years in a matter of days. When she spoke, it was with immense calm and pride. ‘Tyler is my life,’ she said simply. ‘It isn’t me taunting her. It’s her taunting me. If you can’t see that, Ben, then there’s nothing else for me to say. It might interest you to know that she has won one little victory at least. Thanks to her, Tyler can’t get work in these parts, and so he’ll be leaving the area first thing in the morning… if he hasn’t already gone. It might also interest you to know that I pleaded to go with him.’ She saw the horror on his face and was quick to tell him,’ He would not hear of it. Instead, he persuaded me that he should go ahead to find work and a place for us to live. But, I mean to join him. As soon as he sends for me, I mean to join him.’
‘Think what you’re saying. He may never come back.’
‘He’ll be back. I know he will.’
‘Oh, Beth, let him go! Use this chance to heal the rift in our family. For all her faults, Mother’s right. Wilson Ryan is well placed to give you a good secure life. He may not be the man you want, but you’ll have your own house and an army of servants, a new beginning, and a place in society that any woman would cherish.’
‘And children… is Wilson Ryan a family man, do you think?’ Her secret smile intrigued him. How was he to know she had conceived Tyler’s child?
‘I’m aware that he’s an only child, but… yes, I do believe he would value children of his own.’
‘I’m inclined to agree with you. I think he would like children of his own, but they will never be mine. Oh, don’t get me wrong, Ben… I like Wilson, he’s a good kind man. But I don’t love him. I never could.’ She smiled and he thought he had never seen his sister more beautiful. ‘I wish you could think well of me and Tyler,’ she said softly, her dark eyes lighting from within, ‘because there will never be any other man for me. Especially now that I am carrying his child.’
She knew her confession would surprise him, but was not prepared for the abject shock that was written on his face as he recoiled from her, his eyes stretched wide and his mouth a grim tight line. He stared at her for what seemed an age, his head going slowly from side to side as though he was trying to ward off the awful truth. His whole body stiffened as he stepped away from her, his eyes regarding her as they might a stranger.
Beth met his stare with a quiet sadness; saw the shock visibly ebb from him… his eyes closed, his body relaxed, and his voice was so low she could hardly hear his anguished words. ‘God help you, Beth,’ he murmured. And though he was filled with disgust that she should have been so wanton, he might have said more. His love for her might even have demanded that he be a little more compassionate. But a certain instinct cautioned him. The atmosphere in the room was suddenly ominous. He saw that Beth had sensed it too, because she slowly drew her attention from him and turned her head sideways, dark frightened eyes looking towards the doorway. Mesmerised by the look on her face, he watched her eyes widen with horror; a horror that was already shivering through him. When she gasped, his heart seemed to turn over. Reluctantly he made himself look towards the door.
It was like looking into the jaws of Hell, and the keeper was the devil himself! The black upright silhouette was incredibly still; only the slight rise and fall of the shoulders and the soft rhythmic breathing gave it life. In the saffron glow from the candle clutched in her hand, Esther Ward’s sharply etched features took on an eerie appearance, the jaw muscles clenching and unclenching as the small glittering eyes locked on to Beth. There was a long fearful moment before the brooding atmosphere was broken; then it was by one word, issued through clenched teeth in a hard, curiously restrained voice: ‘Whore.’ It was a word filled with repulsion and long felt hatred.
‘No, Mother!’ Ben protested, as he started towards her. He had felt the hatred, and it was a shocking thing.
‘Leave her, Ben!’ Grabbing his arm, Beth stopped him in his tracks. ‘This is her chance, don’t you see?’ All the while she was speaking, Beth kept her eyes on that awesome figure.
Confused, he glanced at her, asking, ‘What do you mean, Beth… “her chance”?’ The low harsh laugh from the doorway made him jerk his head round. There was something unholy here. Something that made him tremble deep inside.
‘Ask her,’ Beth told him. ‘She knows well enough.’ All her life, Beth had known that her mother wanted rid of her, but until now Esther Ward had had no real opportunity to fulfil that craving. Now, though, she had every reason to turn Beth on to the streets. The very same thoughts that were running through Beth’s mind now, were also running through her mother’s. The ensuing satisfaction was evident in the half-smile that twisted her small narrow mouth, and in the beady eyes that continued to stare at Beth with such malevolence.
Suddenly there was another figure in the doorway. Disturbed by his wife’s leaving their bedroom a short time earlier, Richard had been alarmed when she had not returned. He was even more alarmed by the scene that greeted him now. Puzzled, he stared into the room, looking first at Ben and then at the daughter he loved above all else. Because of the circumstances of her birth, Beth was very dear to him. Sadly, it was those same circumstances which kept them apart and made him the despicable coward he was. He deeply regretted the power that his wife had over Beth; but it was too late now, he told himself sadly. It was all too late.
In that moment, as he stared at his children, he wondered what he could have done all those years ago. He wondered what he could do now. There was trouble here; something very wrong. On his son’s face he saw both confusion and resignation. In Beth’s, he saw a strange mingling of pride and regret; and something else which had caused him a great deal of heartache over the years. He saw the unbending defiance and a darker emotion that was echoed even more markedly in his wife’s face. The same dark emotion that had etched itself deep into Esther Ward’s soul. All these years he had witnessed that crippling emotion, had seen it slowly manifest itself in many ways and on many occasions: in any room where Esther came unexpectedly upon the child; in any unguarded moment when she might watch Beth at play. Sometimes in the dead of night his wife had gone to the nursery, where she would stand over the crib and stare at the infant, silently thinking thoughts that made his blood run cold. He had seen that dark and terrible emotion grow and fester, until now it was like a presence in the house. So real, so intense, that a body could feel it, almost taste it. Now, as always, he felt like an outsider.
‘What is it?’ he asked quietly. ‘What�
�s wrong?’ When neither Beth nor his son answered him, he looked down on the woman by his side. ‘Esther?’ His tone was more forceful.
Her reply took him by surprise; and yet it should not have done. ‘I want her out of this house!’ She did not look up at him, but kept her attention on Beth.
‘You what?’ He bent his head to stare at her face, but she avoided his gaze, looking ahead and remaining motionless. He appealed to Beth. ‘What in God’s name has been going on here?’
‘It’s best if I leave right away, Father’, she told him in a low dignified voice. If she was sorry for anything, it was that he had come in on the scene. It was not something he could easily cope with, and she did not want to see his face when her mother revealed the reason for this uproar. She was under no illusion that he would be spared the ‘sordid’ details, but would rather they were told after her departure. She glanced at Ben, whispering, ‘Watch out for him, won’t you?’ When he gave no answer but dropped his gaze to the floor as though in shame, she wondered with regret whether she had lost his respect forever. Sighing, she turned away, going slowly across the kitchen, every step taking her nearer to that small formidable figure and the man beside it, his pained expression touching Beth’s heart and crumbling the inner dignity she had salvaged. But she kept her head high and her steps firm, trying not to look at him and praying that sometime in the future, somehow, she and her father might be reconciled. She made no such prayer for the mother who had always loathed her and who had made no secret of it.
As she covered the short space between herself and the door, the distance seemed never ending. Outwardly, she appeared calm and defiant. Inwardly, her heart was beating furiously and the constriction in her throat was physically painful. As she drew nearer, a sense of impending danger reached her. Suddenly her mother darted forward, sharp nails slicing into Beth’s arm and the searing candle flame thrust before her eyes. ‘Tell him!’ the voice hissed. ‘Tell your father what a whore you are!’
Don’t Cry Alone Page 9