FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

  David interrupts my reverie, “The way you describe orgasm really turns me on, but okay, we’re not going to have sex.”

  “No, we’re not, but it’s been interesting all the sexual talk and it’s got me thinking. I’ve usually not discussed most of the things we’ve talked about and I want to do so, eventually with my special man. The men in my past, in my opinion, weren’t really very sexual. They thought they were, but to me—they weren’t. You’ve mirrored to me. A side of myself, I knew was there, only perhaps, was hiding. My first husband told me that I wasn’t sexy or feminine. Then he had an affair with his overweight unattractive secretary. Very confusing, at the time, because he was the one who couldn’t go where I wanted to go sexually—never satisfied me in any way in or out of bed. Actually, I came to realize he was down and out boring.” I chuckle to myself, his big fat belly was like David’s and he was just as arrogant. “I thought it must be me, didn’t get it then, but I do now. I was too much for him. He needed someone he felt ‘better’ than, and in control of—like his pudgy plain secretary. We’d been better off being casual friends because his touch left me cold, but we wouldn’t have been friends either, because we had little in common. I was married to a man I really didn’t like, much less loved because there was no common ground except him wanting my family’s money.” I laugh as I tease, “Of course, you do know we spiritual types really don’t need to have sex physically because we can feel it being transmitted in other ways like in the movie, ‘Cocoon’.”

  “Just what I need, a damn spiritual type—let me know when you’re having sex next time? I’ll jump right in and join you.”

  “Sure thing, except I’m into love because that’s when the real sexual energy is there.”

  “Romance and love—disgusting! What a waste of time and energy for nothing.”

  “Boy, are you missing out on so much. I like doors opened, flowers, romance and all those things. All you want to do is to fuck and I want it all. We’re just different.”

  “You’ve sure had some bad situations with men. Surprising, you still believe or trust in love.”

  “Something in me has always known I’ll eventually meet a man and we’ll be deeply connected and happy. I sure didn’t know that I’d have to go through so many men—with so damn much suffering. Looking back now, I’m grateful for the experiences. Perhaps, I’m the sum of them all and each one has been essential to creating who I am today. Only the pain has got to be behind me now because there’s been more suffering in my heart than I ever imagined possible or thought I could handle. It’s been a real challenge to keep my heart open.”

  “One divorce was enough for me. I’ll never do it again.”

  “A true commitment is the only way two people can realize a soul mate experience which creates the best opportunity for great sex which is what you’re after, right? Just because you were hurt once, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. If I can still believe, it’d seem you could. Your beliefs about your experience are what keeps you from love. Actually, in the bigger picture, you created your first marriage out of your beliefs just as I created mine. Not totally sure why yet, but I understand that perhaps, I created it all for the experience.” I ponder when men are hurt, they either shut down completely or it takes them a lot longer to get over it. I guess, women are used to pain or can process it more easily, or is it that men feel just as deeply but don’t know what to do or how to process the emotions and pain? When a man’s ego is hurt or damaged, he closes down or becomes angry or cruel. It certainly appears women get over hurt and pain quicker, can process it and are more ready to try again. Instinctively women realize the importance of the emotional connection to themselves and others.

  David states, “What you mean is the only way a woman can realize the experience of taking a man’s money and soul with the emphasis on money. No, I’ll never try it again. Why bother? It’s a waste of time. The world is a corrupt place where the bad are always looking to hurt or take from the good unsuspecting ones. It has nothing to do with spirituality or a person creating it for themselves. Why would you have created your sister betraying you and all that other horrible crap in your life?”

  I answer, “I don’t understand it all yet. Perhaps, it’s to become stronger. I do feel whatever a person creates is what they believe or what they’ve been taught to believe about themselves and the world. At least, I think that’s what I believe.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I ask, “Why’d you invite a girl with my beliefs to visit you? It makes no sense because I shared honestly what I’m about on the phone. Why even bother to get to know me? Obviously, I’m not what you’re looking for.” Here we go—another self-confirmed playboy who sees me and pursues. Perhaps, I can learn why I attract his type right now—out of one’s very mouth.

  “When I saw you at that Star Canyon ‘plastic place’ restaurant in Dallas, I thought, now there’s a woman I want to get to know. You were the only ‘not’ artificial person there. Can’t believe, I ran across you in Dallas—when I can’t stand that tinsel town full of boob job, plastic, bleached blonde, overly made-up, gaudy and fake women. You’re beautiful and much more than that—you’re unique. Unlike most attractive women I meet, because there’s a depth in your eyes. The look on your face shows you’re really in there. You’re genuine and light shines through your eyes. There’s not one phony thing about you, plus you’re extremely intelligent, sexy, full of class and genuinely nice. You’re sexy while being wholesome because your sexuality is innate, not overt. Classic and understated, you wear your clothes—your clothes don’t wear you. Unlike women who hang all sorts of gunk all over themselves. Sure, there’re some beautiful women in Dallas, but most are unbelievably shallow and held together by sutures and on the prowl. You’re not offering or asking for anything, you’re really just you, and that’s terribly provocative to a lot of men, while also being a challenge. That’s why I wanted to get to know you and it’s really okay, if we’re just friends with no sex, but you can’t blame me for continuing to try.”

  I listen in disbelief at all he says that he saw in me and what attracted him. “Thank you, David because sometimes, I feel so insecure. Although, in the past five years, I’ve come to know and like myself more than ever before—as if I’m finally becoming my authentic self, at least most of the time anyway” I ponder—innately sexy, huh—so this is what playboy types see—and I’m a challenge? “We must’ve met on one of my really good days. Only perhaps, what you’re seeing is my ability to love and feel joy which is exactly the opposite of what you say you want. Don’t you find that strange? Your attraction to me is for being different from what you’ve experienced. And you say don’t want it.”

  “I don’t know about that? I’m telling you what I see in you and why I wanted to get to know you. What your first husband said about you is not true because you’re not only sexy and feminine, but sensual. I agree he was probably intimidated. With your intelligence, a man can’t get away with much. He’ll have to work to keep up and to stay attractive in your eyes. Most men, including me, don’t have the heart to give it that much effort and would rather fuck a fat secretary.” Laughing, “Of course, I’d never have sex with anyone fat. Most men want a little challenge just not too much. They want to be sure that they’ll be able to succeed in what they try. You’re a bit scary because if a man’s dumb enough to think he’s figured you out, he’ll be shocked to find that he hasn’t. You’re seeing straight through him and he won’t be able to hide. Men don’t like to be exposed for who and what they are and will do most anything to avoid it.”

  “Don’t you think there’re a lot of women like me? Most everyone seems more together than I am.” I contemplate, so I attract playboys because I continually draw men who are scared of real intimacy. Do I do this because I’m scared of real intimacy? I don’t know anymore, but I continually pick those with an inability to deeply and sincerely love and care.

  David responds laughingly. “No, there are not a lot of women
like you! You’re very unusual. It sounds like from what you’ve told me that certainly your last husband and the others too, were wimps. Playing at being men and even as smart as you are, they faked you out. Two of them were alcoholics and the other one a control freak and perhaps, a pervert. Heard stories like yours before from other women, there’re some real sickos in the world. You just fell in love without realizing your true worth and settled for men who weren’t able to give you what you want and deserve. Now, you’re more aware and you’ve analyzed it all to death, but we can still be friends and I can continue trying to get you to have sex.”

  “Now men swing through my life like in a revolving door. I wonder am I getting too particular.”

  “No, you’ll probably just know. Trust your instincts and listen to your heart because your heart is pure and true.”

  “I hope so and what surprisingly wise advice from an old sex-fiend by the sea. To be after sex and now saying all this—isn’t being true to your sexually deviate character—pretty bizarre, don’t you think, David and definitely out of character.”

  “Well, if nothing else I knew you’d be fun and interesting, a definite challenge. Hey, I’m not all bad, but perhaps, I hoped you’d have an epiphany then decide what you wanted was a wild sexual fling after all.”

  Laugh sarcastically, “Yeah right, I already had my epiphany and it’s everything, but that. Only hopefully someday, I’ll have a wild sexual fling with the man I love. You probably thought, I wouldn’t be able to resist you—the irresistible playboy. The talented—rich—fast cars—beach house—Hollywood party—trying to conquer every woman kind of deal.”

  “Would that have been so bad? God, we could’ve had so much fun. I’d love to get a hold of that body of yours.”

  “Well, we did have fun but having sex just for the sake of doing it would mean absolutely nothing.”

  “Sorry—doesn’t compute. How about just for the physical pleasure and release?”

  “I can release on my own—thanks. My emotions are connected to my body. You know, David? My special man, the man I’d want around forever might be a bit like you. I like your sense of humor and your craziness. I can be wild but only when I feel safe, secure and cared for. I need a man who offers both aspects, if there is such an animal?”

  He chuckles, takes a deep breath then responds with emotion. “Your guy, Natalie, will probably be a lot like me. When you know, you’ll just know. It’ll be that magic connection. You’ll probably be one of the lucky ones, who’ll get it all.”

  I ask, “Have you ever felt that magic connection?”

  “Yes, um—maybe, once—but not really sure.”

  “David, I think, when it really happens there’s no doubt.”

  “Probably, maybe—don’t know.”

  “Do you think you’d ever let yourself feel that strongly and just go with the feelings?”

  “Not sure, Natalie—think so, but not sure—only probably not. See—how you always talk so much and ask so many damn questions. You’re sure a pain in the neck.”

  “Oh, bite me, David.” I realize all this talk about feelings has made David uncomfortable. So now, he has to turn back to obnoxious.

  “Love to bite you all over.”

  “You’re too much of a sex-fiend, way too focused on it. Why do you want sex without love?”

  “Sex is all there is, baby. Love is nothing. Doesn’t really exist and if it does for a moment, it soon disappears. Going to take you up on that little statement of yours someday, ravage you, and bite you all over.”

  I laugh, “Promises, promises!” as I think to self, gag—it will never happen. After this trip, I will probably never see David again. “Why would an emotionally sound woman want to make love to a man who tells her that he’s only interested in sex and nothing else?”

  “Well, nothing happened, just like I told you. Been true to my word, haven’t I?”

  I continue, “I’m aware of how difficult it’s been for you to control yourself. I will give you an award for valor and honor in the bedroom. You’re respectful of my feelings except when you’re not.” Chuckling, “Most of the time anyway, except for sending me the Anne Rice book, ‘Beauty’s Punishment’, did make me wonder who and what I was getting into.”

  “Well, you came to see me anyway, baby.” replies sarcastically. “So, you really do want adventure. You thrive on it.”

  Coyly, “Perhaps, I do like a touch of adventure. On the edge is fun as long as it’s calculated. I made sure, I knew you fairly well, even got references before I made the trip. Maggie knows where and who I’m with. So, if I don’t arrive home when scheduled. She’ll call the police.”

  He responds, “Thanks kid. When you fall in love and let loose, it’ll be incredible. You’re one sexy lady whether you realize it or not. Really, sometimes you reek sex. It’s in the way you walk, talk, dress and express yourself. I can see how you would intimidate some men, but not me.

  “Of course, not you, but I reek sex? I didn’t realize that? To hear this from you, the man who’s had every woman in LA worth having and now beginning on Dallas, is really something. But why in the world are you so focused on sex?”

  “Baby, haven’t you been listening? Don’t want anything more because there really isn’t anything else, but hope for you that your next guy’s a good one.”

  I detest being called names like baby, kid, honey, darling by someone like him. It actually makes me cringe inside because it’s so presumptive, condescending and controlling, but I am on my way out of here, so why bother saying anything? I state, “Well, hopefully after taking self-help classes, going to psychologists, then all my intense self-evaluation, I should be able to spot any major dysfunctional kind of guy. Except when those love emotions are involved, it can become difficult to assess. Fears and insecurities come rushing in and new feelings are filtered through past hurts. The old parental thing, my parents can’t, didn’t and don’t show me love in ways meaningful to me. I didn’t feel accepted for just being me when I was around them. So, I bring men to me who do the same. Maybe, that’s why, just now I won’t let my emotions out, don’t get involved and just sit back and analyze. I do feel I’m ready to meet my guy. Then if he’s worked through his stuff, so he’s able to see, know and accept me, we can work through the rest of it together. It’s difficult to trust, but I understand it’s not trust in another person, it’s trust in myself. Like you said—trust myself and my instincts, then hopefully the best person will come to me to mirror it all back.”

  “Shit, I said all that? Really, I don’t think so. I said let’s have sex and forget the other part. You must be confused and so you’ve been analyzing me this whole time? Sounds like you’re the one afraid.”

  “Yeah, I’m afraid, but am not going to let that stop me when I meet the right man and sure, just like you’ve been analyzing me.”

  “I’ve been getting to know you and my phone bill is huge because of that effort—even called you from Alaska.”

  “Yes, when you were fishing. You’ve been checking me out to see if you can get me into bed while I’ve been looking to see if there’s chemistry for love. You see one side of me, but you don’t get the other sides of me or have the desire to get to really get to know me.”

  He adds, “We do have sexual chemistry but you just won’t give into it.”

  I think to myself, Boy you are so wrong. I’m so tired of your sexual focus and there’s absolutely no sexual chemistry between us. You just can’t see this glaring fact because of your obsession with sex and desire to conquer.

  “Honestly, Natalie, you demand too much because you want the physical, mental and emotional connection. Men can’t handle it all. Most men prefer to focus on the physical. Then they wake up to find they have nothing to talk about with the woman. Doubt anyone would ever be able to say that about you—talk—talk—question—question.”

  “You know you enjoy talking with me—so bite me.”

  “I’d enjoy doing it all.”

&nb
sp; “In your dreams,” I say as I think, I am so tired of this man and his redundantly boring talk about sex. I can’t wait to get out of here.

  “I enjoy you because you’re entertaining, intelligent and thought provoking but you’re way too complicated.”

  “I consider that a compliment and why would I want a superficial involvement?”

  He answers, “Why wouldn’t you? Add in intelligence and this spiritual thing that you’ve got going on and you’re going to need an extraordinary man. A God like kind of a man who’s intelligent, romantic, sexy and only the Lord above knows what else? Do you really think you can find all of this in one man?”

  “Sure, I think the perfect person for each one of us can be everything we desire if we hold out, are sincerely looking and ask the universe for guidance. They’ll be our perfect complement. Sure, there’ll be growth, both individually and together because that’s the reason for relationships in the first place. Then when things get rough, there’ll be the magic to come back to. That’s if you’re evolved enough to know and understand this concept of love and partnership. I want a solid type of a connection grounded in communication with the mind, body and spirit.”

  “Blah, blah, that magic thing you’re so adamant about finding. It’s been fun talking with you but I wish you were a blond. You’re great looking. Don’t get me wrong but I am more into blondes. So, you’d have to bleach that beautiful dark hair of yours if we’d had the magic connection.”

  “Bleach my hair? You’re crazy. You’re such a major asshole.”

  “Yeah, a blond looks much better in my champagne Jaguar and better in my blue Ferrari, too. Only a natural looking blonde, not one of those over-bleached, silicone injected, overly-tanned Dallas women.”

  “So, you want your fake woman to look natural. Just what you need, a woman to match your cars—another possession for you. I’d look better in a silver Jaguar and a red Ferrari. So, buy new cars.”

  “No way, I’m trading in my cars for you. So just keep on looking for that magic, Natalie baby.”