FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

  “He’s a Captain with the airline...” I proceed to tell him the whole story.

  As I finish telling of my adventures that day, I hear explosive laughter coming from the other end of the phone. He’s coughing and choking, he’s laughing so hard.

  I inquire, “Are you all right? And what’s so funny?”

  Eventually, he gets his laughter under control, but still chokes on his words, “A Captain, huh? Natalie found her Captain—well, good for you!”

  Realizing the connection, I laugh so hard, I almost fall off the bed, “Until now, I hadn’t thought about the Captain connection, but Boyd’s more like the Prince.”

  “Oh of course, I’m sure he is, but now tell me—does he have big leather gloves and a sword with jewels encased in it?”

  I laugh in embarrassment then tease. “Not sure David, but I’ll ask him.”

  “Natalie, this is just too funny. Amazingly priceless that you found your prince and he’s a Captain too. Just too hysterical. I’ll know what to send for a wedding present—leather gloves and a sword encased with jewels. Unless of course your Captain Prince already has these things.”

  Sarcastically, “Thanks, David.” As I wonder, has Boyd read any of the Anne Rice books?

  Eventually we are able to stop laughing and I ask David’s opinion—being that, I’m in love with a married man. Only David doesn’t see any problem at all, then of course, he wouldn’t.

  David states, “Go for it, Natalie—sounds good to me. Sounds just like what you’ve been looking for—a man who’s not only a Prince but a Captain. Keep in touch. I must hear how this turns out.”

  “Have a wonderful birthday, David.”

  “Thanks for the cards—one a day for a week before my birthday. What a sweet surprise.”

  “Yes, it took real planning to get those cards to you on time old man.” I recalled David telling me that women he dated never even gave him a birthday card—so I was sure to do so and to do it well.

  “I really appreciate the thought. You’re a good friend, Natalie. Tell that Captain Prince, he’s a lucky man.”

  “Thank you.”

  He continues, “It sounds like destiny and it could only happen to you. Let me know when to send the gloves and sword.”

  “Bite me, David.”

  “Bye sweet beautiful Natalie.”

  I hang up to the sound of David’s evilly sarcastic laughter. I’m sleepy and still not over last weekend without any sleep. Good thing, Barbara’s coming over tomorrow. Our sessions help and I sure do need to release the charge on the stress of what’s happened recently.

  Barbara and I met four years ago while taking courses on stress management and we practice with one another several times a month—to deal with our individual issues. The clearer I am, the clearer I can be with clients. I must be working on major relationship issues now, to be falling in love with a married man because this is the most unlike-me-thing, I’ve ever done. Since my core issues are abandonment, betrayal and loss of love—falling in love with a married man who’s going to be away for six months is going to push every fear and button I have. Losing every person, I’ve ever loved in some way or another—so here goes the same for this one. Why’d I created this and what awareness is being brought to me and to Boyd?

  Later that night, reading in bed, I pause to reflect to the peaceful afternoon resting in David’s bedroom with the music playing and ocean breeze blowing through the windows. Suddenly, I recall my dream of the man kneeling at my feet. The man looked like Boyd and was kneeling just like Boyd did in the aisle beside my seat on the airplane. I was looking down smiling at him in my dream exactly like what occurred on the airplane. He was looking up and smiling at me kneeling in the aisle of plane, just like in the dream. The phone call from David must’ve triggered my memory. Um, bizarre and scary and talk about magic—what happened that day was foretold in my dream.

  I fall asleep dreaming of ‘Captain Ash’ as my soul’s aching to be with him, just as my body’s aching for us to make love.

  Sunday, I sleep late and finally feel rested. It can be exhausting falling in love. Barbara arrives about one o’clock. After telling her about Boyd, she exclaims. “This is one of the most romantic stories I’ve ever heard.” Halfway through our session, the phone rings. I answer it quickly then walk into the bedroom for privacy—motioning to Barbara, just one minute.

  “Natalie, hi!”

  “Hey, how are you today, Captain Ash?”

  “I’m okay. How are you?” Something’s wrong because his voice sounds awful—filling me with dread.

  He responds, “I’m okay.”

  He inquires, “What’re you doing?”

  “A friend’s here and we’re giving each other stress management sessions.”

  He asks, “Do you have a minute?”

  “Sure, what’s up? You don’t sound so good, Captain.”

  He continues, “My roommate’s giving me hell, but I’m not supposed to talk about that, right?”

  “Right, but sorry you’re hurting. You sound awful.”

  He responds, “I’m really not okay—I had one hell of a weekend.”

  “Why, what...?”

  “I’ve been fighting with her then worrying about you. I think about you constantly. It’s all making me crazy. I thought about us taking a trip together, then knew like you said, I’d have to lie for us to be able to be together. Lies just get confused and you need to remember what you said. Then there’s a need to keep telling more lies to cover the first ones up. I want to see you, but don’t want to have to lie to do it. What you said is the absolute truth.”

  I add, “I hate lying. It makes me feel sick.”

  “If we went on a trip right now, I’d have to say something like, I’m going hunting. Then she’d wonder why, I’m packing a suit and a tie. I don’t want to lie and don’t want to risk getting caught. I did this in my last marriage and it was awful. I want to get out of this marriage then come to you. No matter, how we got started. I want our relationship to be based on honesty.”

  “That’s what I want too.”

  “I rented that movie, ‘Love Affair’ and watched it twice. Been doing a lot of thinking this weekend. I can’t get you out of my head. I just can’t stop thinking about you.”

  “Good movie, isn’t it? Did it remind you of anyone?”

  “Yeah, sure did” he chuckles. “I think, that’s what we’re going to do. We’ll meet in six months. Somewhere on April 21st, six months to the day we met. This’ll give me time to do what’s needed for us to be together. Then I’ll be able to give you all the attention that you deserve. This is what I asked in the first place, remember? I asked to call you in April.”

  He says all this in an extremely serious tone as if he’s definitely made up his mind and there’s no more discussing it. Hearing the decision, I knew was coming, still shocks me. I know in my head, it’s the wisest choice, but my heart feels differently. I ask, “Okay, where will we meet? Somewhere there’re no taxis, I hope.”

  He laughs nervously, “Yeah for sure, somewhere with no taxis.”

  His voice sounds tired and he sounds depressed. I know this is it and my heart’s sinking as I repeat silently. It’s the only way it can possibly work. This is the only way. “All I know is that I love you, Boyd. You’re in my heart. I don’t have any answers other than that.”

  “I know my darlin’ Natalie.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t she tell him she’d had an accident? Why didn’t she let him know she was hurt? I’d have wanted to know.”

  My voice is shaking. “She wanted to be able to come to him whole. She wanted to go to him when she could walk because she didn’t want to be a burden to him. Also, she was too proud to let him know. So, wherever we meet, there can’t be any taxis—agreed?”

  “I see, whole? That’s how I want to come to you, Natalie. Yeah for sure, baby, no taxis. When or where we meet, there’ll for damn sure be no taxis. After all you’ve been through
in your life, you deserve everything good. I want to come to you when I can give you everything that you deserve. I’ve got to get out of this marriage as easily and with as little damage to my kids as possible. When I go to Atlanta in March for intensive flight training, I need to be focused and on top of it. They put you in a training module and fire all these questions at you. If I’m thinking about you all the time, I won’t be able to get through it. I’ve been crazy this past week thinking about you—wanting to see you—be with you, then wondering about what to do about us. I can’t do it all and be successful at what I’m doing. I don’t know how you’re beginning something new and going through this? Don’t think that I could do it. Beginning something new and thinking about you all at the same time is too much for me. I’ve got to be focused when I go to flight training. I can’t be worried about you and can’t have you on my mind constantly. Now, you’re all I’m thinking about Natalie baby. After all you’ve been through—all I can say to you—is for to just keep on going. Just keep on going forward in your life baby.”

  “I will. I’m going forward in my life.” I am beginning to shake inside, but try to stay calm and brave.

  “Natalie, if we give up six months of being together now, we can have forever. Isn’t it worth the sacrifice?”

  “Yes, it is. Of course, it is. All I know is how I feel. I don’t have any answers anymore. I’ve never done anything like this before so I’ve nothing to compare it to.”

  Boyd continues, “By doing this now, you’ll always know for sure, I’m not just some guy wanting to get you into bed. I want you forever and you’ll know this for sure if we wait. If we don’t, I won’t be your Prince anymore and I want to be your Prince. Natalie, I don’t want you to end up hating me and I don’t want to disappoint you in anyway.”

  Panicking, I blurt out, “Can we see each other one more time before we don’t see each other for so long? We need to decide, where we’ll meet.”

  “Yes, how about Monday or Tuesday—really, Tuesday would work better for me, if it’ll work for you? My wife flies out early on Tuesday morning.”

  I respond, “Okay, that’s okay with me but when on Tuesday?”

  “Let’s see, my son goes to school half a day. So, I will need to pick him up at eleven-thirty then pick up my daughter by three-thirty, so somewhere in between those times. I could come see you, then the housekeeper can pick up my son. I’ll have forty-five minutes...”

  “You mean we can only see each other for forty-five minutes?”

  “No, darlin’ we will have longer than that—I was just trying to figure it out. How about I call you on Tuesday then we can decide when the best time is? Will that be okay?”

  I respond, “I’d rather meet in the afternoon. Just in case, I stay up all night writing. Call me in the afternoon. Would that work?”

  He answers, “Sure.” Then he asks, “Natalie, have you seen, ‘Bridges of Madison County’?

  “Yes. Why?” as I reflect—I hated that movie because the lovers didn’t stay together.

  “Watched it today and it reminded me of us, in the way that...”

  I nervously interrupt, “What? I hated that movie because they didn’t end up together. Do you think that’s what’s going to happen to us?”

  “No, I don’t. Natalie, have you seen, ‘French Kiss’?

  “Yes, I think so. I’ve seen most all of the romantic movies.” As I reflect, why’s he bringing up all these damn movies? The more emotional I become. The more depressed he sounds as this is breaking both our hearts. When he mentioned ‘Bridges of Madison County’, I emotionally lost it. Afraid he’s going to say that we’re like the couple in the movie who had only a few days together because she couldn’t leave her children. I panic, is Boyd thinking about staying in his marriage because of his children? I ask, “Boyd, are you saying that you’ve decided to stay in your marriage?”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I am not going to stay with my wife. ‘French Kiss’ is kind of like I am...”

  I interrupt, overcome with emotion, “Boyd, I like all romantic movies—that’s one reason I love us because we’re so romantic.” I have flipped into stress and am barely listening to what he’s saying and it’s odd because I do totally agree with it. I could never have an affair with a married man. So, this is our only alternative, but I am full of fear that I’ll never see Boyd again. All my abandonment issues are being triggered so I’m freaking out inside and not listening or thinking clearly.

  “Natalie, I’ll call you Tuesday afternoon then we can decide when we’re going to meet.”

  I respond, “Um, okay.”

  “I am glad your friend is with you. Go be with her now. I’ve got to go, darlin’.”

  My heart’s breaking as I answer. “Okay, talk to you Tuesday.”

  “And I won’t call too early in case you’ve stayed up all night writing and Natalie, I love you darlin’.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions, I break down into tears of fear and loss. Back in the living room Barbara is waiting. I tell her about what we’ve decided.

  “Barbara, why would this happen after all I’ve been through? Why would I feel this way about a married man? Is this just more of the pain, more of the same hurt and disappointment? I can’t take much more. You know how many men I’ve dated these past five years and this is the first man I’ve felt anything for and he’s married. And now, we have to be apart. Is this some awful joke the universe is playing? Like how fun—let’s torture her some more—let’s see how much she can take until she breaks or falls down in complete despair and hopelessness.”

  Barbara responds, “No Nat, it’s probably—so he can get his life together and you can finish your project, then you can be together forever. So, you’ll both know for sure, when you come back together and you’ll never doubt each other. You, Natalie will finally know that your love is for real and forever. I think it’s incredibly romantic. This is what most people dream of happening in their life and it’s happening to you. If he doesn’t come back, if you’re not together for some reason then it just wasn’t meant to be. And I know you know that.”

  “Yes, I know it with my brain, but my heart’s breaking in half.”

  Barbara comments, “Remember, he’s hurting, too.”

  “I understand, but why did God do this?”

  “God didn’t do it. You decided to meet this way a long time ago as part of your plan together on earth and I know you understand that on some level. Why do you think you recognized each other immediately and the universe threw you together so perfectly? It’s what you both have been working towards probably all of your life. Have trust and faith that it’ll all work out for the best—if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to.”

  Hearing Barbara’s words, I begin to calm down and it’s what I know to be true, but while feeling so much pain—wasn’t able to see clearly. Having to be apart, hooked me into my severe core issues of loss and abandonment making me temporarily unable to see past my feelings. Feeling so much stress, I couldn’t think straight.

  Barbara and I have little in common, but our search for healing our imprints, brought us together in a connection. She’s married and overly into all things spiritual, a total vegetarian and wants to move to Sante Fe. She’s plain with short brown hair and wears little to no makeup. We are very different in many ways, but so alike in others.

  I state, “The stress in me this is triggering and what I am feeling is probably part of the reason that this whole scenario is happening. So, I am able to recognize, feel it, understand it and then release it. This is a gift. Boyd’s not abandoning me. He loves me. The decision itself shows this. For him to leave his children right now is unrealistic. Then for him to want me to have an affair with him would dishonor us all. I love him for who he is and the part of him I love will make sure his ex-wife and children are taken care of. The decision of wanting to make sure the adjustment is made in the best and easiest way for all
concerned is what makes him who he is. If he’d come to any other conclusion, I wouldn’t have respect for him and our love would be lost.”

  Barbara and I continue our session, she states, “Okay, let’s focus on and release the stress you’re still carrying from your fear of abandonment as a child.”

  After Barbara leaves, I realize in the years we’ve been working together this is the first time, I’ve ever broken down. It must’ve taken this depth of emotion to bring it to the surface. Now hopefully, I can own my exaggerated emotions and release them and be more able to see clearly, then make wise choices instead of staying in the incredible stress of emotional pain. I go workout, wash my hair, then watch TV in a kind of numb trance.

  Monday—the weather’s cold and rainy like it was on the previous one when Boyd and I were together. Except today, the warmth we created in the rental car is nowhere to be found. Today, the cold reflects the way I feel which is depressed and lonely. I struggle through an afternoon research appointment while continually wondering what Boyd is doing and I feel anxious about seeing him tomorrow. I force myself to work out to release stress.

  Arriving home, there’s a phone message from Boyd.

  “Natalie, am calling to say I miss you. Do you remember what you were doing last Monday? Were you somewhere between Oklahoma City and Dallas, perhaps falling in love? The weather’s the same today as it was last Monday. I miss you. Talk to you tomorrow. I love you, darlin’.”

  His voice sounds lonely, unhappy and filled with tension. Hearing his message both comforts and upsets me. It’s amazing that we met only one week ago. It’s feels as if we’ve lived a short lifetime full of love, with now a forced separation. How’d we go from the euphoria of love to this unhappiness so quickly?

  After washing my hair, I feel physically ill. I try to concentrate enough to read or watch TV, but nothing works. The anticipation of seeing Boyd tomorrow bounces back and forth with the pain of the realization and knowing that I won’t see him for six months and this seems like an eternity.

  To have love come into my life, then have it go away even for a little while after all I’ve been through seems incredibly cruel. A love hoax from the universe, ‘See Natalie, you can have love for one week, then it’ll be taken away. Ha, ha, jokes on you.’