by Ayn Dillard
Overcome with emotion, I can’t speak but silently say, I love you more than I can express. I nod my head in affirmation as I softly mumble, “I know you love me Boyd. I know.” While asking myself, why can’t I speak out and tell him that I love him? I’m unable to open my mouth to speak. Paralyzed in this moment of our parting, I keep staring into his eyes while feeling more love than I’ve ever felt for anyone before. The emotions I have for him are overpowering and I feel totally and completely loved by him. I hope he can feel how much I love him because I’m unable to speak. Looking into his eyes, it’s as if I’m looking into my own soul, but circumstances on earth are ripping us apart.
Turning, he gets into his truck then turns his face back towards mine. I hold up my hand to wave goodbye, he raises his hand to mine. With our palms facing, we look into each other’s eyes for one last time, then he very slowly drives away.
Shutting the door, I stand frozen for a minute then quickly rush into my bathroom. I quickly put on the white tee shirt and black riding pants that I’d been trying to put on all morning. As I think, I’ve got to get out of the house fast. I walk quickly to the garage, get into my car and drive. Out on the street, everything seems surreal. To see that the day is beautiful and people are going about their lives. Children are being picked up from school. Women are grocery shopping. The world goes on and my heart’s breaking. I drive to the shopping center on the corner—thinking there’re must be a couple of things, I need to pick up. I must do something—anything to keep busy or I’ll collapse in tears.
Exiting the drugstore, a love song’s playing. I walk faster so I won’t have to hear it. Knowing, if I hear it or stop to feel for a moment, I’ll break down crying. I fear if I start, I may never stop. What a cruel joke the universe has played—to bring this love and have it need to go away, in order for it to be right. I can’t breathe. I can’t think, then suddenly I feel that I must get home to safety and talk to Maggie.
Arriving home, I immediately burst into tears. I dial Maggie’s number then look at the clock. She’s probably picking up her children from school. Seems everyone’s picking up their children from school. Boyd’s picking up his daughter. He’ll be able to hold her because he won’t be holding me. I wonder as Maggie’s phone rings—will I ever have a husband and a family? Will I ever be in a loving situation that will endure and be satisfying? What’s wrong with me that the very thing, I’ve wanted all of my life has been so elusive? Why have I had to go through so much damn pain in the name of love?
Brian answers the phone.
I take a deep breath to try and control my tears, “Brian, is Maggie there?”
“Hey, Natalie—no, she’s picking up the kids. Is something wrong?”
I break down in tears.
“What’s wrong, Natalie?” in concern.
I ask, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Well, you know the pilot—the pilot I met?”
“Yeah, Maggie told me about him. Pretty neat and wild, sounds like you two were destined to meet.”
“We decided that we wouldn’t see each other until after he’s divorced in six months and he left today.”
“Sounds like a wise decision.”
“Well, I’m upset right now—really upset. We made love, Brian. Do you think it was wrong that we made love?”
“How could it be wrong for the two of you to make love—the way you feel about each other?”
I state, “I’m just so sad and don’t know what to do right now.”
He asks, “Do you believe in destiny? When was the last time DFW closed? Do you realize just how unusual the way you two met was? If you believe in fate, you’ve got nothing to be sad about.”
“Boyd told me to write, live and to date, then he’ll return April 21st.”
“Sounds like the man loves you and you should do what he says. It’s destiny and the fates created a way for you to meet.”
Comforted, “Yes, it does, doesn’t it? It’s so difficult to feel so much then have to put it on hold.”
“I understand. Maggie and I couldn’t and it caused us a lot of problems. So, do what the man says. Then believe everything will work out for you and him both. It’s really smart for waiting, until he gets his divorce behind him. At times, I wish Maggie and I had done it that way. We were so in love and we flaunted it. We discussed the option of being smart, but we weren’t. This is going to save you both from a lot of problems, when you’re finally together.”
“Yes, you’re probably right. But, he told me that no one will ever matter to him as much as his children. Why would he say this to me?”
“I don’t believe he meant that. He’s getting ready to go through a divorce and thinking about his children is freaking him out. I recall how upset I became over my kids during my divorce. A wife isn’t comparable to children. He probably said that because he’s upset and confused.”
“You’re probably right. Apparently, he had another divorce that was rough and it seems as if he wasn’t able to see those children as much as he desired.”
“See then, that’s it—if he’s gone through the same thing before, he knows how awful it can be and he’s stressed about having you and his kids to worry about—and how to get out of the marriage with the least amount of destruction to all. The man has a lot on his mind. Just give him some time. Don’t judge him too harshly on what he said the last day before he goes away to go through the hell of a divorce. You were both probably unbelievably stressed. The difficult part for you is that you’re single and ready to be in a relationship. You’re in different places at different times, but it’ll all work out. You’re going about it the wisest way—even through you’re stressed doing so.”
I take a deep breath, “Yeah, stressed is an understatement.” Talking to Brian is beginning to calm me down. His male opinion is bringing me back to my senses and out of so much emotion. “Thanks for talking.”
“Sure, I’ll have Maggie call you when she gets home.”
“Okay.”
He adds, “Remember, it was your destiny to meet. The way you two met was quite unusual. It must’ve been arranged by someone, somewhere out of this world.”
I laugh in relief. “You’re right and thanks. Talk to you later.”
“Okay. Talk to you, later.”
I feel better. It was nice of Brian to talk with me but just as quickly as I feel better—I think back to the evening, five years ago, when he came over to my house while Maggie was in Sante Fe and I immediately feel nauseated. Brian made a pass at me and it was a horrendous experience. He had been drinking at the time—but that’s no excuse. He and Maggie had just been married for a few months. What is wrong with some men—that they think an attempt at seduction is the thing to do? It upsets me terribly to recall that night, so I stop thinking about it. Maggie resembles the actress, Beverly DeAngelo and Brian looks like a bit greasier Kurt Russell type. Between them they have six kids. Like a ninety’s version of that sitcom—the Brady Bunch.
I rest a bit then force myself to go to aerobics. Actually, once I stop crying, relax a bit and remember the day and focus on my love for Boyd, I feel peaceful. Even though he’s gone, I feel loved. My whole body still feels the warmth of his touch with his scent all over me. I smell like us, our love and my body feels completely great. I know we’ve made the best decision and this is the only way we have a chance of being together. So, I am okay.
While working out, I reminisce about the past week, focusing on this last day. Boyd’s’ correct, even if we never see each other again, the time we spent together was wonderful and worth every minute. I’ll remember this week for the rest of my life. I thank God for our time together and showing us the magic.
That night, after showering I quickly fall asleep in the sheets we held each other in. With our smells all around me, I dream of Captain Ash.
Waking the next morning, I feel unexpectedly peaceful. Laying in bed it feels as if I’m in Boyd’s arms with his
love surrounding me and his warmth all over me. I have research appointments then write them up and workout in the evening. I wonder what Boyd’s doing? Halloween’s tomorrow—I bet he’s in preparation for the event with his children. I wonder if he is thinking about and missing me, too?
After playing phone tag for days, finally on Halloween, Maggie and I talk. She’s in total agreement with our decision.
“Maggie why do you think after all I’ve been through, something like this would happen?”
“Who knows? Only, if this guy doesn’t come back, it will take away a little bit from all of us. It’ll take away from the belief in magic.”
“Really, you feel that way?”
“Yes, it’s like when Brian and I met. We knew immediately just like you two. So, if he doesn’t return, if it doesn’t work out, it’ll take away a bit from the magic for us all. Lovers who know in an instant it’s magic and that they’ll never be the same again.”
“I love this man into my soul and will forever, no matter what the outcome is. He may not come back and I may go on to be with someone else. He could stay with his wife. God, only knows? But for the week, we spent together, it was magic and worth every minute. I’ll always feel happiness and love when I remember our time together. I sure hope that he does comes back because I want to experience so much more.”
“Then do what he says, write, live, go on dates if you can stand to and you’ll be okay. I believe he’ll be back. You of all people deserve love and a magic kind of a love at that. With Brian even after seven years of being together when he walks into the room my heart still skips a beat.”
“Maggie. I know how you feel about Brian.” Then my heart sinks into my stomach as I recall that horrible night Brian made a pass at me.
Maggie continues, “You’ll have it, too. Believe in the magic and the destiny of how you two met. Goodness, the fates, God, or someone out there closed the airport, so you could spend more time together. How else could this have happened?”
“It’s fun just thinking about it—isn’t the whole thing just wild?”
Maggie prompts, “Write this love story. It’ll give hope and romance to everyone who reads it.”
“Okay, after finishing this financial book, I’ll write our love story.”
I continue to do research, write and work out then the weekend arrives. At the grocery store, I go to the video section to see if they have the movie, ‘Love Affair’. I ponder if it’d be wise to watch it or not. Could I even live through watching it? Finally, I do rent it and another one, too. ‘Only You’ is a movie I saw last year—about a girl searching for her soulmate and it reminded me of myself. Then what was that other movie, Boyd was asking if I’d seen? ‘French Kiss’? I’ll get that one next time.
After eating dinner, I settle into watching the movies. Of course, I watch ‘Love Affair’ first. I am amazed at how similar the movie is to how Boyd and I met and fell in love. Perhaps, the couple in it are in more glamorous surroundings with individual circumstances a bit different, but the essence is so similar. That second day, when Boyd was at my house, I was even wearing the same top Annette Bening wore under her jacket on the airplane. Even what we said to each other has a similar rhythm and with the same meaning. I wonder are all lovers this similar? Only the resemblance to us of the couple in this movie is amazing.
I am surprised that while watching it and afterwards that I feel a bit numb, but no tears. Actually, it’s comforting to watch the movie. A kind of confirmation that what Boyd and I experienced really did occur and has even happened to others. Next, while watching, ‘Only You’—this movie does bring me to tears. I guess, it’s because of the girl’s relentless search for her true love that I identify with so strongly. Fear arises in me that Boyd won’t return. Then just as quickly, a ‘knowing’ overtakes me like the movie displays. All things will work out, if you go with the flow of life. Being in tune, the universe will guide you to what is best. It might not be exactly what you think it’ll be, but you’ll be guided along to the next step of the journey to your destiny. Like the girl in the movie goes after one man, when another man is actually her true love. And if she hadn’t gone after the first one, she wouldn’t have ever met the true one.
Watching the movie, I recall Boyd’s statement, “You girls just go away.” Um, he must be just as insecure as I am about love staying forever.
Finished with the movies, I write up the research from that day’s financial appointment.
Sunday is difficult. Barbara comes over. All sorts of emotions explode out of me as I cry and wonder again why this happened. I share with Barbara my thoughts about Boyd saying. “All you women just go away.”
I share in my questioning, “Could it be, we’re mirroring our insecurities? To find love to only to have it go away. That true love is somehow elusive to us. Boyd and I may have the same beliefs that true love will go away then what he said about no one being as important as his children. It seems so many divorced dads, out of guilt and fear put the focus of their emotions onto their children, which is too much for children to handle. Surely, Boyd will realize this. He’s an intelligent man, but what he said about his children concerns me. This could very well be what keeps us apart. God, I hate to think about that happening, but I need to think about me. My last marriage dealing with Paul’s obsession with his daughter—makes me feel ill just thinking about it.”
Barbara comments, “My opinion is that you’re apart now, because when you get back together you’ll never doubt your love for one another and you’ll know then that love does not always go away.”
I reply, “Maybe?”
Barbara continues, “It’s also giving you time to finish up the project that you’re doing. He finishes up his stuff and you finish up yours.”
I state, “Perhaps, but I really don’t like that he told me his children will always come before me. Talk about setting up a bad set of dynamics. After that experience with my stepdaughter, I don’t know if I can go through it all again with children involved. I want, need and deserve to have nourishment and attention directed at me for once in my life. Except, he’s so romantic and loving that he appears to have enough love for everyone and so do I. We certainly mirror the romance in each other. It just hurts to feel so much love and have it gone so quickly and abruptly—not to be able to experience more. I want more time with him to understand this feeling and why it happened so quickly.”
I feel better after talking with Barbara and go workout. That evening, I decide to watch, ‘Love Affair’, again before I return it to the store—enjoying a glass of wine as I do. Big mistake because I break down in sobs. My imagination goes wild. This time I focus on the sadness of the movie, instead of the love—and imagine that Boyd gets hurt—I get hurt—or we can’t find each other. I imagine my house selling and he can’t find me. Then I recall that he has Maggie’s number, so—he’d be able to find me because Maggie would. I cry really hard for most the rest of the evening—letting the emotions of it out. The beauty and magic of our love, and the loss I feel in my heart because we’re not together becomes overwhelmingly painful. I need to emote and release the sadness, so I’m able to come back to the love and joy.
The next Monday, only two weeks from the day we met, I return the ‘Love Affair’ movie vowing to not watch it again until Boyd and I can watch it together. I also decide to write my thoughts to Boyd each day. I pick up a hundred small note cards with envelopes and each day write a message to him. It’s comforting to do this. I feel as if I am communicating with him. And when we’re together again, I’ll put one in his pocket every day. I chuckle as I think negatively and if he doesn’t return, I’ll either burn them or send them to his wife—special delivery.
Tuesday is one week from the day we made love and the last time we saw each other. I feel him close all day as if his spirit is actually with me. I contemplate—is that because he’s thinking of me too? I walkout to the mailbox at three o’clock, approximately the same time Boyd left in his truck. I loo
k up at the sky and feel him so amazingly close that I shiver. The feelings of closeness so strong that it overwhelms and brings tears to my eyes. It’s only been one week and we’ve months to go, but we have our plan. I go into the house and open my special book to this saying.
“Hold out for the one who makes your heart sing,
the one who’s with you even though you’re apart.”
All November, I immerse myself into my work, setting a goal to have all the research on the financial book done by the end of December. At our last meeting, Tanner ordered that I get the research completed as quickly as possible. Stating, he has a publisher who’s interested. So, I stop my other projects to focus on this one.
I am running out of money fast and must figure out what to do. Living in this large expensive house for the past five years with its up-keep and taxes, I’m drained. It needs a new roof and fence because of a storm. Hopefully, insurance will take care of it. Also, there are other things needed to be done to make it more sellable but I am not able to afford them. I must pull my equity out of this house as soon as possible for me to stay afloat.
With the holidays being just around the corner, after feeling the closeness to Boyd, I now feel even more alone in the world than previously. I just go about the days faced with so many decisions and possible financial disaster. Interesting that flying back from LA, before meeting Boyd, I felt perfectly content to come back and throw myself into my work. Sure, I desired a relationship, but I didn’t have this intense of a lonely ache inside as I now do. Missing the feelings of loving and being loved, I reminisce about our week. Especially that magic day when I jumped out of the airplane, but memories aren’t enough. It’s as if Boyd opened up my heart and now more than ever, I realize how much I truly want a relationship. I’ve dated so many different men and had no attraction or connection until I met my Captain Ash.