by Ayn Dillard
People look at my house. I work out—go to the grocery store then make dinner as I try to stay sane. I think about Art while at the same time wondering if Boyd will return and it’s making me feel more than wacky. All questions to be answered shortly. Tomorrow’s the day, I’ll either hear from him at high noon or not. Also, I must remember to take information to my attorney for the lawsuit tomorrow.
I leave a message for Sondra requesting that she not call me—that I’ll call her. Snuggling in bed, I numbly watch TV hoping to fall asleep, to be able to awaken refreshed for whatever tomorrow brings. I toss and turn as I silently pray—please God, let tomorrow be a wonderful day.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.
But the greatest of these is love.
—1 Corinthians 13:13(NIV)
TWO MEN
‘April 21’
I awakened to the phone ringing around ten o’clock. I lay frozen in bed, listening to the message on the machine as it picks up the call.
“Hi Natalie, just calling to see how you are—call me when you get a second Tinkerbell.”
It’s Jerry.
The phone rings again. It’s Tracy. She leaves a message.
“Hi Natalie, it’s ten-fifteen—on my way to the gym, just checking into countdown, should be home by noon. Call me when you want to, or if you should need to talk.”
I get up and get into the shower. I lay in the bottom of my shower with my feet propped up in the corner with water streaming down on my body as I try to relax. Interesting, I’m not thinking about Boyd, but about Art. I miss the way it feels to hold him and the way he smiles glancing over at me with his mischievous grin. Or is it that I’m just too frightened to think that Boyd might not return? So, it’s easier to focus on Art. Actually, I feel numb.
Drying off, I notice it’s eleven and there’s a message on my answering machine—it’s Sondra.
Sondra’s message, “Hi, I know you told me not to call, but just wanted to hear your voice and please call me if you need to talk. The airplane got in really late last night and I’m exhausted. I’m feeling a bit anxious about everything.”
I put on my robe then call her. We chat for a few minutes about the Tanner situation then I am off the phone to put on my make-up. Interesting, I feel surprisingly calm and ready to get the suspense over. Will he call, or won’t he? A part of me only wants to see Boyd again, just to see what I feel—if I’ll still feel anything. I want to know what happened that week. I have a need to understand our intense feelings.
My mind’s going crazy full of thoughts because I need to understand the magic, but can magic really ever be understood? Well, I want to try. Then perhaps, I can know my feelings for Art and go forward with him or not. Am I really falling in love with Art? Feels as if it could be real, at least it’s not some romantic dream—like with Boyd. Why’d the experience with Boyd even happen? Was it really actually only a dream? No—no, it was real because I felt an incredible feeling of love with an unbelievable out of this world connection. Plus, it was total romance. Everything about our experience was romantic magic, but isn’t the definition of romance—fantasy? So, will he call today, or won’t he? Will I see him again or not? I wonder and I wonder some more, as my thoughts swirl in my head.
All dressed, I walk into my bedroom. It’s eleven fifty. I’m amazed at how calm I am. I phone Sondra because call waiting will click in if Boyd calls. I need to talk or my mind will explode.
As we are chatting it becomes twelve o’clock—high noon. Well, my clock is fast so, maybe—still. A few more minutes go by, but no call. We continue to chat as more time passes. It’s now twelve-fifteen. My inner knowing is that he isn’t going to call. Nope, I am not going to hear from him today or ever. Although, at the same time, I feel him close to me. I have that Boyd feeling surrounding me. It’s remarkable how calm I am. I continue to chat with Sondra, but my mind is swirling out of control.
Only why after all I’ve been through in my life—would this great, fun love affair, turn out to be nothing, too? Did he decide to stay with his wife or did he meet someone else? Why and how could he have said those seriously powerful things to me and then not come back? All so pointless and I feel so stupid. What was it all about? I want to know. Damn, I want to know!
It’s twelve forty-five by now. I get off the phone, go into the kitchen and fix a turkey sandwich with a Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m really hungry because of working out so hard yesterday and all this stress. Amazingly, I wolf down the food. Eating lunch helps to feel like I’m still in the real world and that it’s only a usual day, instead of April 21—the day I’ve waited for six months to arrive. Trying to comfort myself, I repeat internally that I’m okay—I feel fine—I feel really confused, but am okay. I’ll be okay. I will!
Except is anything for real? Does anyone ever mean what they say? Did Boyd even really feel the way he said? He was the one who came after me. He was the one who told me that he loved me and I was the love of his life. He said it in ways that I believed. So, I allowed feelings to come into my heart for him. I naively trusted him and the universe for creating the magical experience. So, where the hell, is he now? How could he say all those things and not come back? I agree with what Maggie said. ‘If he doesn’t come back, it’ll take a piece away from all of us who believe in love and romance.’
I’m not dumb about men or am I? I have read many books about the ones who can say anything just for the conquest and I have certainly experienced all their lines. My mind continues searching for some understanding. Was it just about a conquest? It didn’t feel as if it was, but was it?
The phone rings and I almost fall off the barstool—I’m so startled.
I am shaking inside as I answer, “Hello!”
“Natalie, are you okay?”
Disappointed, “Oh, Sondra, I’m fine. I just finished eating lunch. Don’t know how I ate anything, but was starving”, then sarcastically “You know, it’s just a normal day” my voice cracks and I begin to cry. “Would you come over? Maybe, I’m really not okay.”
“Sure, I’ll be right over.”
My phone rings again. My heart skips a beat. It’s Sharon, my realtor informing me that I have two offers on my house and she’ll be getting them to me tomorrow. With all this happening, I’m not breathing and begin to freak.
Sondra arrives. We talk about everything, our hurts, the lawsuits we need to file and about Boyd. Our conclusion is that none of it makes any sense. Where the hell is Boyd?
I conclude, “I guess that he decided to stay with his wife. Those children of his were the most important things to him in the world. Perhaps, he couldn’t go forward with the divorce after all. Who knows? I’ll never know because he’s not here—the asshole, the lying asshole!”
Sondra states, “He must be crazy to say all those things to you then not return.”
“Men do this kind of thing every day, but why do I keep bringing this type to me? Men who say they love me, then it all falls apart. Flying back from LA—tired—pimple on my nose—dirty hair and this guy comes onto me. I was totally keeping to myself and certainly not interested in meeting any man. At first glance, I thought he was a pickup jock and he probably was or is exactly that. My first intuition was correct, but I ignored it. Only when we held hands, it was an undeniable magic connection. This couldn’t have been faked, it was too real—too strong. My emotions got all involved and mixed-up like they are now. I fall in love and now look. He’s not here, all these damn playboys always coming onto me. He’s just one big nothing like all the rest. Except, I did feel so much and I could feel how much he felt for me, because he did love me. It was real. It was too strong not to be real!”
I laugh nervously aching in pain as Sondra listens, “Only not, that real or he’d be here. I’ll never see him again and I really need and want to see him again.” Emoting, I rattle on in despair. “We based our separation on the movie ‘Love Affair’. In the movie he came back. In ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ it worked out.
So why didn’t it—workout for me? Am I the only one that it never works out for? Is anything ever going to be real for me in this world? Does anyone ever mean what they say and truly feel for another person? What is real? I don’t know anymore. Damn, I wish I could look Boyd in the eyes and ask him what it was all about. Why did he say those things, if they weren’t true? Why did it all happen the way it did? It just doesn’t make any sense. Something doesn’t feel right. I still feel him so close and even as I’m saying these angry words—I still feel love for him and have a knowing that he still loves me. It’s all so stupidly bizarre.”
Sondra states, “You’ll see him again. I bet you will.”
“No, I won’t. How could he call me later, after not calling me today? It was our pact. It’s been broken and is there no more. Besides, my house will sell and I will move and he won’t know how to find me.”
Eventually Sondra leaves and I get a grip on my emotions, and then take the papers concerning the legal action pending to my attorney.
My attorney Reeder asks, “Have you heard from Tanner?”
“No not yet, I understand that I need to call him, but I have been putting it off.”
“You need to go ahead and contact him now to see if he’s finished the book and to hear what he has to say about the project. After the phone call, we’ll know how to file.”
“Okay, I’ll give him a call tomorrow.”
I hurry back home still hoping there’ll be a message from Boyd, but there’s not. Relieved, disappointed and in a trance all at the same time. Well, at least, the damn bloody suspense is over. I feel like such a fool.
I call Tracy to report the outcome. We talk for quite a while and she can’t understand it either.
Tracy states, “It was so real. He was so romantic and a grown man saying all those things to you. He wasn’t some kid. You don’t play games with a person’s emotions and life the way he did.”
“Well he did say there was a fifty-fifty chance that he’d not return and for me to go on with my life.”
“The man told you that you were the love of his life. Who says that then not return—only a big fool? That’s who.”
Next, I call Maggie. She shocks me by stating that she’s really not all that surprised about the outcome. Emphatically stating, once again that this type of thing takes a piece away from us all, then she tries to make me laugh to put a twist on it and to help me cope. “Hell—he was a married man, Natalie! What’d you really expect?”
“Yes, I know but it seemed so different. You said before that you thought he would be back, but I guess, I’m just an idiot.”
Maggie continues, “After I thought more about it—I pretty much anticipated that he would stay with his wife and kids. You’re no idiot. Not at all, oh no—you’re a believer.”
“A believer.”
“Yes, you believe and trust. That’s what these guys see in you. They see you and hook into that belief. That believing of yours is really powerful. You believe that what a person says and does is real and true—that what they say is what they really mean because that’s how you are. What we all want to be able to do, but can’t or don’t. Me—I’m a non-believer. Usually, I don’t believe in anything until it happens. Believe, but only after it happens. Unfortunately, most people will say anything and mean very little of it.”
“Of course, I understand and even know what you’re saying is pretty much true, but this seemed so real. He seemed so real—so true. Our feelings—the way we touched. The way we looked into each other’s eyes. How can a person fake that?”
“Probably, it was real at the time, but I guess not real enough. If it was, he’d have called you.”
“Yes, he’d have called me and he didn’t. I feel so weird. Will I ever find love? Will I ever find happiness in a relationship? Why do these things keep happening to me? Although nothing’s ever happened quite like this before and what’s so peculiar is that it’s as if it was destiny.”
Maggie chuckles as she responds, “Who knows Natalie? It’s as if you’re Buddha or something. You have this Job thing going on for you. You have all these really beautiful flowers, really beautiful flowers except they’re all covered with manure right now, just waiting to spring forth. You’re going through a martyr phase or something and you’re going through all this to be able to write about it. Yes, it was destiny the way you two met and felt about one another. The damn airport even closed down. So, write about it. There’re probably a lot of women, hell a lot of people in general, who are going to be helped and enjoy reading what you’re going through now and have been through in your life.” Laughs, “Hell, I live vicariously though you. Your life is like a movie and we’re all waiting to find out how it turns out.”
Sarcastically, “Well, isn’t that comforting to hear, Maggie!” We laugh together only as two good friends can.
She continues, “Not many people could endure all you have in the broken-heart department.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Write the love story Natalie. That was one of the reasons for your experiencing it—I just know it.”
“Yeah maybe, but will I ever be happy in a love relationship? Will things ever be good or will I end up like the woman in ‘Out of Africa’? The woman who people say for some reason that my life resembles. Her true love dies leaving her alone.”
“Who knows? Who knows, if you’ll ever be happy in a relationship? You certainly deserve to be. Isak Dinesen went on to live a really happy life in Denmark and then wrote all of her stories. Married some wealthy man and lived a fulfilled life. Do you realize how many people would give anything to have one moment of the experience you had with that airline guy? An experience like that is what most people only dream about. That’s why those romance novels sell. You lived a romance novel. I’ll say it again—write it. Your incredible love stories—you live the life of a writer or a soap opera star.” Maggie chuckles, “We all love hearing about your adventures.”
“Well thanks—I guess. Oh so, there’s some hope for me? If Isak Dinesen finally found love and happiness in the end.” We laugh in unison “Well, I’m tired of being a martyr with all this drama and unrequited love. I can’t believe that I’d sign up for such a long run of it. Just how much strength of character do I need?”
“You probably signed up for all this, when you were an ant or something else just as low in some past life. Yes, that’s when you signed up for this one. Give me more pain and suffering, give me as much as I can stand. Make me a martyr and I’ll write about it.” We laugh hysterically, “Yeah, you must’ve decided to sign up to experience all the heartbreak in the world.”
Full of sadness, “To keep experiencing pain over and over to see how much I can take before my heart is crushed to death collapsing under the weight of it all. Isn’t it weird, you’re so cynical and I’m so believing and you’re married and happy, while I’m alone?”
Maggie adds, “With all these children to take care of.”
“You and Brian met and knew quickly that you were going to be together.”
Maggie says, “Yeah, we were real lucky—really lucky.”
Then I recollect—except that Brian came onto me a few months after they got married. Recalling this makes me feel sicker than I already do, because Maggie loves him so much. I say, “Yes, you two are lucky, but with Boyd, I was left looking forward to seeing him. While he could’ve forgotten me by November or even the same day that he drove off in his truck—after telling me that I’m the love of his life. Except something about all of this, just doesn’t seem right. It’s like he’s frozen in my heart.”
Maggie adds, “Yeah, he just might have. He might have been a married man just looking for excitement and since you’re a believer, he was drawn to you. Only, I do agree Natalie, something’s not right because it was a lot more than that. I know it and you know it too. It was a romance—a real romance, but now it’s no more.”
“Thanks for talking Maggie. I’ve been working on all my issues for so lon
g. And it was such a magic surprise that day when I met him. So, I thought it was a gift of love from God. That’s why I thought it might really be something special, but is any man for real? Now I’m scared to let my feelings go forward with Art. He’s scared and now I am, too. I’m tired of the run around and tired of hurting. I just want a nice relationship to share with a man and to grow together. All I keep getting is weirdness and playboys. I’m so tired of it all. This deal with Boyd—how could I know what I really feel about him now. It’d been nice, if I’d been able to see it through to find out. Except, he has all those kids and I don’t want any children to care for. I learned from experience that I can love a stepchild and the child can be yanked out of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. Stepparents have no real rights. A step-parent can love and give to a stepchild then because of some situation not be allowed to see that child ever again. I sure don’t want to set myself up for that kind of a hurt again.”
“Maybe that’s why it didn’t work Natalie. You don’t want to be a parent and deal with an ex-wife and all that entails and Boyd knew it.”
I continue, “But if we really felt the way we did that week, it would’ve worked. I like kids, but I am tired of other people and things always coming before me.”
“Natalie you really do deserve someone who can give you lots of their attention and focus their time on you exclusively.”
I share, “I asked God to send me a man I’d feel the same feelings for as Boyd, but who has no children or anything else that he’ll put before me—then about a week later, I meet Art. Except who knows what will happen with us. We care about each other, but he’s scared of his feelings because he’s been hurt recently and he’s got weird issues.”
“Who doesn’t have some weird issues?”
I continue, “Love relationships are really complicated. Actually many things Boyd said that last day, we were together didn’t appeal to me. It was the romance that drew me to him. The romance that captured my heart. He said what every woman wants to hear. I bought into it—lock, stock and barrel. Except, it was real. I’m just trying to discount it, because he didn’t return. The love I felt for him will be part of me forever and that’s all that really matters. Boyd gave me a gift of happiness and joy. So, it doesn’t really matter how long it lasted or why it happened—right? Only that it was and we were able to experience it together. The romance we shared was a once in a lifetime magic experience and I’m so glad that I seized the moment. We mirrored our capacity for spontaneity and romance and it was wonderful and so fun!”