by Ayn Dillard
I’m way too honest and trusting of people and because of my parental imprints—I negate my own feelings and intuition. How could I possibility trust myself, when at every opportunity as a child I was told I was wrong about everything? Have I created this life of hell out of the beliefs that I developed as a child in order to survive? I must release my parent’s control and imprints and get them out of my heart, mind and soul.
I feel as if I could cry forever for my suffering. I must get past this subterfuge from my family of origin. I am determined to do this as I continue the remembering, analyzing and rambling contradictions that spin in my mind.
If I’d ever had any children, it would’ve been for me and not my father. If they can’t see and appreciate me for all I am and all I’ve lived through so honorably—why should I care if they ever do? I needed them always and especially now—not later. Truth being, even at this low point, I still feel successful concerning my character and the growth of my soul. Except the mortgage company doesn’t care that I’ve had growth in my soul—they only want their money.
My parents feel purchasing a million-dollar yacht is a more worthwhile goal than me. They discount me continually and this is the place where the value of myself was created—through my parents who can’t see who I am, much less that I have any worth. My soul must recognize my success on some level and I believe that God does see me—even when it’s difficult to see myself.
The abundance of the universe is mine in a way that I’d never been able to imagine had I not lived through all that I have. Being so much more aware of my wholeness now, while in the past I was full of fear and in separation of self—in order, to be what I thought please my parents. Only there’s no earthly pay for this self-awareness and no recognition of it—except to myself.
So, has it been worth it? If I go totally broke, lose everything, will it still be worth it? Would it have been wiser to have stayed in one of my horrible marriages, keep my mouth shut and put up with whatever abuse I had to—in order to stay ‘safe’ and ‘protected’—as my mother did and so many others do? Except was my mother ever really ‘safe’? She had her brain cut, to forever change her, then my dad gave her all the material things anyone could ever want, but cheated on her. I’d rather have my brain and my freewill than anything else.
My pitiful mother’s advice, “Stay in a marriage just to be married.” As they both ask, “Why’d you get into these bad marriages in the first place—you loser? It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with you.” Which is and isn’t the correct answer as I’m an imprint and projection of their beliefs, but why can’t I get past it all? It’s all so confusing, convoluted, twisted and everything else that is strange and bizarre. Will there someday be a wonderful conclusion of awareness and completion in my life on earth?
I was always fighting to be free and fully me, even when I didn’t consciously know what I was doing. Something was always driving me to get out of marriages and away from the men who tried to control and manipulate me and who almost, if not partially succeeded in trying to own, destroy and humiliate me. So, after all this. Now, will I be forsaken? Will my house be foreclosed on? Will I lose everything materialistically that I have? Will my father then be correct when he yells? “You’re nothing! We have no problems until you come around. You can’t maintain a marriage and you’re a loser! We have money and you don’t! We’re a success and you’re not!” Well, by what and whose standards, I ask.
Except, they aren’t worrying about being thrown out of their house. My mother states, “Voice over work, who do you think you are? Same negativity, she’s always had about everything or anything that I ever tried to do or wanted to be. So, nothing has changed, but is she correct in her judgment? Am I wrong? Have my life experiences given me awareness and growth, or am I nothing as my parents claim?
It’s amazing to realize that I grew up in a home where I wanted to die most every day and to get away from them. It wasn’t until eight-years ago that I became aware and could own that I grew up separate and disconnected from myself—even though I had an abundance of material things and it all appeared so pretty.
Was this all in my soul’s plan with my mother and father playing the lead roles in spurring my growth into the awareness of who I truly am and will become? If they hadn’t negated me for most all of my life, I may not have found the awareness that I have thus far. Is it really all working out as planned, or am I crazy? Only I wonder—couldn’t the same outcome have been accomplished in love, instead of so much fear?
I must believe in love, have the faith and trust that I’m on my path or what else can I do? I’ll choose to walk down the path of love because fear and love can’t exist together—can they? Okay, I surrender my fear to love. By doing so, I’m able to keep my faith and trust in the universe. All I can do now, is to keep on living to find out. I laugh out loud. All this thinking is exhausting, but Happy Birthday to me!
“A heart full of love—can never be abandoned.”
—Ayn Dillard
AFTERWORD
The Mystery—Mirror—Magic and Nightmares
Fairy Tales are happening all the time...
We don’t meet people by accident—they are meant to cross our paths and ours theirs. It’s up to each of us as to what the reason and outcome will be. It may be for excitement, adventure, love, hate, war—a whole variety of reasons. Sometimes, life puts you in touch with just the people to help you—hurt you—leave you—love you—to help stretch you to become the person you are meant to become and to be more than you ever imagined that you would or could be.
How this magic is accomplished is through our emotions which stimulate self-reflection and awareness into all dimensions of self, each other—then how the combined energy connects to outcome. Our emotions and how we process them, ultimately create and define who we are and who we become. The energy of another in combination—can shift—change—lift-up—tear-down—heal or destroy, etc. It depends on the intent, agenda and reason for the energy connection. Sometimes, it can’t be recognized for what it is, until time has passed and growth has occurred with full-awareness revealed by self-reflection.
The left-side of our brain is designated as the masculine force. It directs assertiveness, analyzation, doing, action, valor, domination, logic, cause-effect, rigid, hard, certainty, control, organization, external-focus, aggressiveness, striving, projecting, thrusting, pushing and survival. The right-side of our brain is designated as the feminine force. It is creative, integrating, internal-focus, nurturing, process-oriented, planning, being, listening, receptive, tender, surrendering, synthesizing, soft, feeling and that incredible aspect of intuition and genuine ‘knowing’ which is often without any material explanation that connects deeply into the heart and soul. While all of us have male and female traits—it does not serve a woman to become like a man or a man to become like a woman. God, created us differently for obvious and profound reasons.
The opposition of male/female—the tension in the attraction is obvious, but it’s not about conflict, competition or war. It’s not about a woman becoming more like a man or a man becoming more like a woman to create similarity, equality, or for riddance of all differences. Male and female are equal—only different. When women are forced or choose to act like men in a relationship and men become more like women than men—this becomes a distortion and not as God intended. Although, if that is their choice, then they are able to do so—as we are all given choice.
It’s the balance in each one of us that will create balance in the world. It’s about complementing, wholeness and completion. Having both the masculine and the feminine capabilities in our brains with one more strongly manifesting outwardly in the physical creation of our bodies—to be either one sex or the other.
Can you imagine what the world would be like if there were only males, or if there were only females? The world would not exist for long. Both energies are needed to create and express for the possibility of a world in balance. You are in comp
lete balance when you have the ability to think (masculine) through your heart (feminine).
Male/female together—the most powerful attraction and connection on earth with the ability to create another life, along with the possibility of creating the atmosphere for healing—transforming separateness into the whole. The magnificent healing energy of completion and unification. It’s entangled in the merging of imperfection and perfection, dark and light, yin and yang with the possibility even with yearning to create balance. Male/Female are the perfect complement with the opportunity to become heroes to one another.
Until and unless a man heals himself, he will be toxic to every woman who tries to love him. Until, he is fully aware of what a man is and who he is in relation to his maleness, he will live unaware. Until a woman becomes fully aware and heals herself, with the full knowledge of her femininity and its value, she may attract toxic men. She may have little to no ability to see men as they actually are—with their hidden needy agenda in relation to her, until after it’s too late and harm, damage or if aware—healing have been accomplished. It’s the good, pure, the innocent that the worst of evil and distortion attracts to and goes after because this is where they find the most abundant and lightest energy from which to suck—as in the distortion of predator to prey—narcissist to empath.
Spiritual women will always attract men who need healing. While the highest of the male and female purpose is to heal one another by their union, at the same time, the responsibility for healing lies within each one of us individually. You can either merge with the dark—the evil, or you can let the dark define and bring forth your light. It’s a choice.
I have come to realize and understand that because of unrecognized internal insecurity and fear, some men are terribly afraid of women’s innate and God-give-power. Women have what a man wants between their legs and in their hearts. Actually, the honor and worth of a man can be expressed between a woman’s legs. It’s really how her heart connects to her body, but lowly unevolved men think that it’s primarily sex. So, they try to control—manipulate—seduce—corrupt—even kill—or whatever else—they think they can do, or get away with—to suppress and control a woman because of their innate fear and need of her. The masculine strongly desires the feminine, but their fear and insecurity are intertwined in their desiring. Insecure men try to control or destroy that which they fear and even—sometimes what they want, especially if they can’t have it on their own terms. In different times, they do different things. In different cultures, they do different things. And they don’t know any better—until they do. Until they become consciously aware of how weak, insecure and fear-driven their behavior is. Nothing can be more dangerous and destructive than an insecure, fearful, needy, arrogant male. Truth is—in the suppression, harm or destruction of the feminine, they destroy their own heart and any chance at joy.
Any society who diminishes and destroys the feminine creates a wasteland in their hearts, in their home and in their country. The female is chosen by the creator to give life. She connects the spiritual with the physical. This is the only natural way to birth souls onto the physical plane. A male’s highest place and honor is to physically protect and provide for the female energy. So, she can assist in healing him, their bond, give birth to life, bring love and joy to their union—and therefore out into the world.
The masculine energy alone is usually pretty dull, dead, mundane, captured by the material world and can actually be boring without the feminine to lift it up. The feminine assists the male in ‘being’. Her form of energy softens the male-driven ‘doingness’ of living—which can and has become misguided in a relentless effort to survive and gain in the material world. The feminine brings light, love, joy and life to the existence of the male. Conversely, the feminine becomes more alive when given the attention of the masculine, because the feminine needs the masculine energy and attention to stabilize and to break against—to fully thrive and bloom. If the feminine does not feel safe and protected, she will try, or actually become masculine in order to be able to cope and deal with life’s traumas and lack of stability. This is against her nature and creates a distortion in her and out into the world. As she becomes more masculine—he can’t find the feminine yielding and softness—so he may develop feminine traits in himself—thus a world of distortion is created—with few being fulfilled.
Masculinity is strength and hard. Femininity is yielding and soft. A female provides a place for males to heal spiritually and to process emotions—this is the highest honor of their connection. The male provides the strength of security and protection for the female. It’s a connection and attraction of/and for healing the wounds of the soul. It is, perhaps the most profound ‘why’ of God’s creation—that male and female complement one another so perfectly in their connection.
Men want to be the hero and women want their man to be their hero. When a male provides a safe, secure, committed, accountable, responsible place for the female, then the highest balance is able to be achieved. It’s the aware male that seeks to cocreate with the divine feminine. To deny the innate essence of who you are—is to deny self on the most profound level.
It’s only our ignorant self-serving societal beliefs which interpret that a Princess needs her Prince more than a Prince needs his Princess. The male may actually have more need for the female than she a need for him—thus his fear. The feminine assists the masculine in processing his emotions and without the feminine, he’s left on his own. Some men may choose to stay on their own, out of their fear of the depth of the emotional pain of experiencing their emotions—his fear of becoming vulnerable and open to the power of the feminine power. Therefore, out of fear they may suck bits and pieces from her, or from many without honor, responsibility, accountability or commitment. All the while ‘thinking’ they are getting away with—gaining or even escaping something by their behaviors, but what they are actually doing is harming self and others.
Male/Female need each other equally for same and different purposes. It’s just a different kind of need and protection. The male energy is primarily a keeper of the physical, the material, the strength—the frame. The female is primarily keeper of the emotions, the spirit, the soul—she fills up his frame with her creative presence. The frame—the male protects and honors her ability to process emotions. When the essence of the feminine is in her highest level and connected to the source, she has the ability to handicap evil in her awareness to process negative and limiting emotions. A woman at her highest honor is the heart and soul of the planet.
What if Eve was leading Adam to the opportunity to experience all and every dimension of life? And this is exactly what God wanted and intended—in the full power of ‘his knowing’ that only a woman could/would be able to accomplish this and entice a man to do so. God after all, created the serpent and the opportunity for choice. Male and female rubbing souls up against one another to experience the opportunity for healing that which only love creates. The masculine as it relates to the feminine and the feminine as it relates to the masculine. Had Adam not taken a bite of the apple, we would have no challenges, choices, or dark defining light journeys on earth. The tension between the choice of good and evil would not be here. God gave us choice.
Sex is the most spiritual act on earth along with the act of giving birth. Sex is prayer between those who are genuinely connected in love and should not be entered into lightly.
1 Corinthians 6:18 (KJV)
Flee sexual immorality. Every sin a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
It’s really not a mystery—how we become who we are and attract to us who we do at any given time. And no matter where we are, it’s exactly where we need to be for our awareness and soul’s growth.
“We are all broken that’s how the light gets in...”
—Ernest Hemingway
Life’s mirror is a friend to a wise man and an enemy to a fool.
The saga continues...
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Ayn Dillard—has experienced much, prompting much self-reflection. She is a self-proclaimed know-it-all and is sharing some of what she knows with you. She acknowledges that just when you think you know it all, your inner or outer world shifts. For you to realize that you don’t know much of anything, encouraging you to dig deeper to discover an even more profound awareness and wisdom. Understanding this, she shares what she has gleaned from her experiences and life to assist others to become more aware. She is a former ballet dancer and former interior designer.