Shame On Me

by Cassie Maria

  “I’ll talk to you later when you’ve calmed down,” he says before walking away. I violently yank my hobo bag onto my shoulder and focus my cool gait out the door (I’ll be damned if Karen sees me heartbroken). I point my car to a local biker joint and begin my self-destruction.

  ****

  Its rare to see a black person in this biker bar, but the way this place got so tense when I walked in its like they had no idea black people existed. I spot a stool in the middle of the bar and sit down angrily mumbling to myself as I throw my purse onto the counter. The dark haired bartender takes her sweet ass time making her way over to me and it further pisses me off.

  “You lost?”

  “Nope. Three shots of vodka and a green apple Smirnoff Ice.”

  “All out of those.”

  “Listen,” I point at her, “we’re both girls so I know you understand how it feels to be lied to by a man you completely trusted. I had my heart bruised twenty minutes ago with a ‘it’s not a big deal,’ so do you think you can cut me some slack and let me drown my sorrows?”

  A beat passes before she asks, “You want those shots chilled?” A terse head nod is all I give her and it’s all she needs.

  ****

  By the time I swallow down shot #5 I realize that it was unfair of me to be angry with him for not having time to argue with me while he’s at work. I know he needs to keep his head clear while at work but my broken heart doesn’t care. My broken heart wants him to call and hash it out with me; but he doesn’t. Since my heart is calling the shots, I keep drinking.

  By shot #7 I’m singing along with the jukebox but I’m nowhere near drunk enough to climb on top of the bar to dance. I notice some of the men are inching their way towards me (this can turn bad quick), so I text Ava the address of the bar.

  ****

  I’m in the middle of flirting with Pierce (a young biker) when Ethan steps through the door. Shit! Either Ava ratted me out or he followed her.

  “I think you should walk away now.”

  “Why?” he asks casually sipping his beer.

  “Because my boyfriend is here and he looks pissed,” I whisper as I follow Ethan’s every move.

  “Get your shit and lets go,” Ethan hisses.

  “Why are you here? I texted Ava.”

  “I’m not in the mood for your shit, now lets go.”

  “Seems to me that sugar don’t want to leave with you,” Pierce says.

  “Seems to me that you need to mind your own damn business. Darlin’, I’m not going to tell you again.”

  “Alright, jeez.” I chug down my last shot and call out to the bartender. “Stacy darling what do I owe you?”

  “Your tab’s been paid.”

  “By who?” Ethan demands.

  “Me,” Pierce says calmly while eyeing Ethan. Ethan stares at Pierce for a moment before pulling out a hundred dollar bill and throwing it on the bar.

  “Now it’s covered by me,” he says as he yanks me out of my seat and I barely have time to grab my purse. I turn around to wave goodbye to Stacy and Ethan pulls me even faster out of the door.

  Once outside, I notice Ava behind the wheel of my car and she looks terrified. I try to smile at her but I’m not sure she saw it. Ethan is dragging me to his truck so fast that I’m sure she caught whiplash trying to keep her eyes on me.

  Ethan throws open his passenger side door, tosses me in my seat, buckles me in, and slams my door. It feels like we’re moving at the speed of light getting to my house. It’s a miracle I didn’t upchuck in his truck. At the house, he yanks me out of the car and hustles me to my bedroom.

  ****

  Ethan

  “What’s wrong with you?” I roar.

  “What ever do you mean?”

  “Can we please do this without the sarcasm? Were you trying to make me jealous?”

  “Clue in Ethan, everything is not about you! I went out of my way to find a bar that you never would’ve thought to look for me in. I texted Ava to pick me up. I had no idea that you would even show up, so how could I try to make you jealous?”

  “Then why’d you flirt with him?”

  “Because I felt like it.”

  “Because you felt like it?” I ask getting closer to her.

  “Because I felt like it.”

  “Were you planning to cheat on me?”

  “Unlike you, when I say ‘I love you’ I’m committed.”

  “So am I!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “You’re making a bigger deal out of the situation than it needs to be.”

  “You’re not making a big enough deal out of the situation!”

  “She means nothing to me!”

  “Pierce means nothing to me!”

  “Don’t say his name in our place!” I yell. Her bedroom is our safe space. It’s where we expose our secrets and be vulnerable. It’s wrong of her to bring up his name here and she knows it.

  “Don’t turn this around on me! This all started because you lied!”

  “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “An omission is the same as a lie.”

  Throwing my words back at me hurts. We’re both too angry and if I don’t calm us down this will go bad, quick. I have to get her to focus so I place my hands on the side of her face and at my touch tears pool in her eyes. She’s heartbroken and making sure I know it.

  “I didn’t purposely keep it from you. Its not the same as a lie.”

  “How would you feel if the roles were switched? If I was out with Noah while you were waiting for me to show up for our date?” I can’t stop myself from flinching at her question. Damn it, I’m not getting through to her.

  “You’re no better than Noah,” she whispers. I know she said it because she’s hurting but it doesn’t stop me from dropping my forehead to hers in defeat.

  “I am better than him,” I whisper.

  “Look at me.” I do. “You wooed me until you got me and then chose to keep things from me. I’ve been down this path already and I’m not traveling it again.”

  “Noah is not worthy of breathing the same air as you.”

  “Neither are you.”

  I rear back as if she slapped me.

  Damn that hurt.

  “Don’t say something you can’t take back.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t have done something that would make me not take you back.” We’re getting into dangerous territory. She’s not responding to me being in her personal space so I move across the room and lean against her dresser.

  “Look at us, we don’t fight dirty Mia. How could you do this to us?”

  “I didn’t do anything to us, this is all your fault.”

  “So you’re completely blameless?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “It’s not just all me. You played a part in this too.”

  “This all started when you began neglecting me,” she says accusingly.

  “You say it like I intentionally neglected you! I had to work. I wasn’t out partying and leaving you at home.”

  “Don’t you think I know that? I’m acutely aware that you are always busy with work! Why do you think I insisted on spending our breaks together? Do you know how humiliating it is to know you were too busy to cancel our dates but not too busy to hangout with Karen?”

  “You know I’ve been pulling fifteen hour shifts and I don’t always have time to charge my phone. I work at a hospital and emergencies happen; so I’m sorry if I don’t tell a patient that their emergency has to wait because I have plans.”

  “I know you’re busy and tired but I can’t be in a relationship by myself,” she says while rubbing her forehead. My eyes follow her hand movement before I move to stand closer to her.

  “I shouldn’t have expected our relationship to carry on like normal when I’ve seen neglect tear apart the strongest of relationships; but I thought we were a team. I thought you understood.”

  “I’m understanding when it comes to work but not when it comes to omission
s. Since when do you keep things from me? We don’t keep each other in the dark Ethan.”

  “How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t purposely omit anything from you?”

  “Then why didn’t you tell me about Karen?”

  “She means nothing to me. I forgave you for your omission, why can’t you forgive me?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about Karen?”

  “I just told you that she means nothing to me.” I run my hands over my face in frustration and move further away from her. “This conversation is going in circles. I can’t keep doing this with you!”

  “Then don’t!”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t keep doing this with me,” she says waving a hand between us. My back straightens when I realize what she’s saying.

  “Stop it Mia! If I walk out that door I there is no apologizing tomorrow. I don’t want to hear that you were drunk.”

  “Drunk body, sober mind.”

  My eyes start to burn and I know they are on the verge of being flooded with tears but I stop them and force my eyes to go cold. Fuck it; if she can easily throw me away then I can do the same to her.

  “If I have anything here just keep it. I don’t want anything tainted by you.”

  ****

  Mia

  I flinch at his words but do nothing as I watch him walk out of my room and out of my life. I shut off my light and run to my window to secretly watch him walk to his car. He’s holding onto the door handle as he repeatedly opens the driver side door and slams it shut. It looks like he wishes the door were beating the crap out of someone. He eventually exhausts himself and leans his head against the door. I see his body jerk several times before he jumps into his truck and leave. It will take my head a few days to allow my heart to comprehend that those body jerks were the sobs of a heartbroken soul.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Softly

  Two weeks later…Saturday

  My mind refuses to allow my heartbreak to register, so I throw myself into wedding plans. I eat, sleep, and breathe flower decorations, dresses, tuxes, and candles.

  “Mia, honey, you have got to face this break up and move on.”

  I look up from the invitations I’m stuffing to see if she’s serious. “Ava is this an intervention?” She doesn’t laugh like I thought she would; instead her eyes are filled with concern. That look reminds me that a part of my life has ended and I can’t face it; so I get back to my task and get myself together before speaking. “I’m completely fine. I thought you wanted me to get more involved with the wedding.”

  “Not like this,” she says and I can feel just how sad she is for me.

  “Not like what?”

  “Like you’re trying to pretend your relationship with Ethan never happened.”

  “I’m not doing that.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “No, I’m not!”

  “Honey, you are.”

  Okay, time to change the subject. “I’m sure Steve isn’t harassing Ethan like this.”

  “No, not like this.”

  “See!”

  “Steve is on the verge of tying you both to the recliner and making you work it out.”

  “I don’t want to work it out.”

  Liar! My heart screams at me.

  “Then heal so you can move on.”

  “Fine!” I’m so over this conversation. “Can we talk about your centerpieces now?”

  “No. I’m going to spend some much needed time with my Steve.”

  “So you’re going to leave me here to do all of the work?”

  “No, I’m leaving you here to heal.”

  “And you’re going to make me do that alone?”

  “I’m going to let you start the process and once you break down and are ready to talk, I’ll be here with ice cream and open ears.”

  “Whatever,” I mumble feeling deserted. Its not that I want to hog all of her time, I just don’t want to face the fact that Ethan is really gone.

  “See you later,” she calls over her shoulder as she softly closes the front door. And that’s how the break up hits me.

  Softly.

  I look around my house and see Ethan everywhere. I see him in the kitchen whipping up breakfast, on the sofa cuddling after a lazy afternoon of TV, on the stairs where we made love because we couldn’t make it to the bedroom. I see him in the dinning room where we threw a luau themed dinner party just because.

  I see him on the back deck where we had sex to the sound of the rain. I can still feel the warm drops that hit my back as he held me up to the screen. I see him in the upstairs hallway where we had a water gun fight with Ava, in my bedroom where we whispered our dreams to each other, and in my bathtub where he would bathe me after a long night at work. The bathtub is where Ava finds me with a bottle of vodka and photo of Ethan and I clutched to my chest. She manages to get me to bed but she can tell that I’m not ready to talk.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sleepwalking

  Sunday

  I’m stuck to a vodka bottle, clutching a photo of Ethan and I (that was taken in Florida), with a cover wrapped around my body as I sit on the back deck. I miss him and I hope that each sip of vodka will erase more and more memories. I know that it’ll never work but I need this. “Are you ready for ice cream now?” That’s Ava. I don’t respond; I just take another swig of my heartbreak elixir.

  ****

  I don’t sleep. I stay on the back porch and re-live every day I had with him. This stupid vodka isn’t working! I’m missing him like crazy, so at 4am I get the brilliant idea that I should text him. I frantically look for my phone and find it stuck in a plotted plant. How did it get there? No point in pondering when I have a boyfriend to win back.

  Me: Hi.

  Him: Hey.

  Me: WYD?

  Him: Trying to sleep.

  Me: I’m sorry.

  Him: For waking me or breaking my heart?

  Me: Both.

  Him: I’m not ready for this conversation.

  Me: We should get back together.

  Him: We have issues that we need to fix.

  Me: Lets fix them.

  Him: If it were that easy we wouldn’t have any to begin with.

  He’s right. Damn it why does he have to be right?

  Me: What do you suggest we do?

  Him: Date other people.

  My heart is racing so fast I think it might explode!

  Me: Is that what you really want?

  Him: No, but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. I have to play the hand that I was dealt.

  Me: Lets reshuffle the cards.

  Him: Our breakup is the reshuffle. Maybe dating other people will be good for us.

  Me: How?

  Him: Maybe it’ll show us that we’re better apart.

  Me: I don’t want to lose you.

  Him: I told you that I’m not ready for this conversation. I just need some space.

  Me: You promised you’d never let me go.

  Him: I didn’t let you go. You let me go. Remember?

  I don’t answer because my heart is being ripped out of my chest and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I resume my drinking as I imagine my Ethan touching, laughing, and falling in love with another woman. I’m going to need way more heartbreak elixir.

  ****

  I must’ve passed out because I wake up to Ava talking on the phone.

  “No its bad.”

  Silence.

  “She won’t talk to anyone! Steve, Charlee, and the boys stopped by and she looked right through them. It’s like she’s sleep walking. I’ve been holding off her parents but I don’t know how much longer they’re gonna buy that she’s on her bill and is just moody.”

  What? When were they here? I must be drunker than I thought; but not drunk enough to forget. With that thought a tear slips out of my eye and I quickly wipe it away.

  “Thanks Kate,” she whispers.

 
Kate?

  “No, if she’s not acting like herself by the end of the week then I’ll kick her ass myself.”

  I hear her heels clicking their way to the back deck and I feign sleep. I know she’s standing over me and will stand there all day if she has to. I peek up at her and see her narrowed eyes focused on me with her hands on her hips.

  Uh oh, Ava’s pissed.

  “I know you’re heartbroken but you have got to let somebody in.” I raise the bottle to my lips but she snatches it away at the last minute. “You are going to get your stank butt in the shower, eat, do your hair, and clean your room. When I get home tonight we will drink together and cry but after tonight you are going to pull yourself together.” Once she is done saying her piece she turns on her heels and leaves me to it.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Never Again

  I promptly decide to ignore her and find my hidden stash of vodka under her bed. I knew she would never look for it there and I was right. I curl back up in the hammock and am there for a while before I feel someone get in with me. I get a whiff of cocoa butter and I start to cry in earnest.

  “Mom.”

  “Shh, baby I know.”

  “I messed up.”

  “It’s okay Amelia. We all make mistakes.”

  “He’s going to move on without me.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “He really hates me now and I pushed him to it.”

  She soothingly rubs my arm for a while before she speaks. “The way I see it is he’s just trying to protect himself. Either he will make good on his threat and move on or he’ll come to his senses and work it out with you.”

  “I don’t know Mom. I was being stubborn because I was hurt and didn’t want to listen to what he had to say.”

  Her arm tightens around me and she lays her head on top of mine. “You are stubborn just like me and like me, you learn well from your mistakes. We may mess up but we come back in a big way. Just wait honey; you’ll get your chance to fix it and when you do, you’ll never let him go again.”

  “You promise?”

  “Yes honey, I promise.”

  “So what do I do now?”

  “Well for starters you’re going to get yourself out of this hammock and bathe.”