by Cassie Maria
“Do I smell that bad?”
“Absolutely.”
“Mom!” We both laugh and it feels good to do it.
“Then you’re going to take life moment by moment. Don’t worry about next month or next week, just concentrate on that task at that moment. You were always too focused on the end result and never learned to enjoy the ride. If you two are meant to be you’ll get back together but until then go out and enjoy living.”
“Do you think we’re meant to be?”
“Absolutely.”
“How do you know?”
“Who do you think called and told me you needed me?”
I take a moment to allow her statement to sink in before I speak. “How do I fix it when it comes time to?”
“That’s easy; just jump.”
I snuggle in closer to her and take in the fact that she’s here instead of dad.
“Where’s Daddy?”
“At home. I decided it was time for me to fix things.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you decided to move out and live with Noah I should have handled things better. I’m not saying that I wasn’t entitled to my opinion but I could have expressed it better. I definitely should have tried to fix things when you pulled away from me. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
“I was young, impressionable, and wrong. I never should’ve moved out and I should have mended things with both of you; not just Dad.”
“I love you love bug.”
“Love you more Mom.”
We lay in the hammock for another hour talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Eventually I hoist myself out of the hammock ready for something new.
“See there, it’s just like when you were a child. You never let anyone push you to do something; you had to come in to it on your own. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I did so instead of responding I hug her and hold on tight.
****
After my bath and taming my hair I call the boys to check in and call Charlee to invite her over for drinks and explain to her what to wear. We tend to sit around for hours talking so it’s important to be properly dressed for it.
I then clean up the patio, my room, and take out the trash. By the time Ava walks in, with ingredients for pomegranate martinis, I’m starting to feel somewhat normal. When Ava goes to her room to change into the uniform for our heartbreak drink fest (yoga pants and sweatshirts), Charlee arrives with two pizzas.
While mixing our drinks I can tell that Charlee is itching to dive right into our talk, but I quickly stop her. “Ava and I have been through this enough times to know that we must have three drinks each before we talk about the breakup.” Charlee stares at me for a few moments before nodding and grabbing a slice of pizza. I’m pouring our drinks into martini glasses when Ava finally joins us.
****
I’m sipping from my fifth martini when I begin to cry. “Are you ready to talk now?” Ava asks.
“I miss him. I didn’t prepare my heart to never have moments with Ethan again. Never hear him laugh with me, never see him in my kitchen again, never have him console me again, or never see him trip over his shoe in the dark again. Just a lifetime of never again. I know I instigated the breakup but I was hurt. Now that I’ve calmed down I realize that I should have listened him.” I take a moment to sniffle and calm myself before speaking again. “I was so busy being in my feelings that I took for granted how good we were together; and now he wants to see other people. We’ll never be together again. Never.” I softly say to my drink.
When I look up I see that Ava is looking down into her drink and discreetly swiping her eyes. Charlee is staring at her lap but from the number of sniffles coming from her I know she’s close to tears. I hear Ava clear her throat and I turn my attention to her.
“You may not want to hear this, but this is a good thing.” She holds up her hands when my back stiffens in indignation. “Hear me out. Both of you will see how shallow the dating pool is and how great you two fit together. Trust me, you’ll be running back to each other after a few dates.”
“What if we never get back together?”
“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”
“But I deserve him,” I mumble into my drink.
“Mia, sweetheart look at me.” I put my drink down and give Charlee my undivided attention. “I know you love him but if you want him back then you’ve got to show him what he’s missing. No one expects you to get over this breakup tomorrow but you do have to start somewhere. So start with getting dressed and eating, the next day add going to work; do this for a while and one day it won’t seem like an uphill battle to smile and talk to friends. It’ll feel natural and you’ll begin to feel like yourself again. You took the first step today so tomorrow go to work for an hour. If it feels okay at the end of that hour then work another and another. Do this until you’re ready to go home. Getting over a broken heart is difficult and there’s no need to pretend like it isn’t; but you have to at least try.”
I silently nod and pick up my drink to finish it. Charlee is right; I have to start living sometime, so why not tomorrow? I gulp down the remainder of my drink and walk our glasses to the kitchen. When I return to the comfy room empty handed they look confused.
“If I’m going to work tomorrow I don’t want to be hung over. Charlee are staying over?”
“No I’m taking a cab home.”
“Okay, good night ladies.” I wave and head upstairs to my room.
As I lay on my bed I consider all Ava has done for me while I was in my fog and the advice Charlee just gave me. I owe these ladies big time and I’ll make it up to them when my head is clearer.
Chapter Twenty
Letting Go
Two weeks later…Wednesday
I haven’t completely made it back to the old me but I am better. I wish that I could say that the journey back to me has been enlightening and that I’m better for having gone through it, but I don’t feel that way at all.
The first week I had to force myself to get dressed, go to work, be social, and hang out with friends. By Monday these tasks got a little easier, Tuesday I planned my surprise for Ava, and today I relapsed.
****
It happened when I was on a shopping spree and saw Ethan exit a restaurant connected to the mall. He and a blonde are holding hands and walking to the parking lot. I hide behind the car next to mine and watch them over the trunk.
She could be his cousin right? Just when I convince my heart that she’s a cousin up visiting from Georgia, she sticks her tongue down his throat. I can’t tear my eyes off of them even though I’m freezing. I watch for quite a while as he paws at her ass in a way that he’s never done to mine.
My fingers ache from gripping the trunk of this random car as I watch the man I love make out with another woman. I have to get out of here! I rush back to my car and peel out of the parking lot. Its way too early to go to work but I have no where else to go.
Kate allows me to work an earlier shift but when it’s time to clock out she refuses to let me go home and wallow. I’m forced onto a stool and force fed fries and vodka. The bar is busy tonight (due to it being karaoke night) and after a few shots I’m left to my own devices. Kate knows I’m in no condition to drive so she calls Ava to come keep me company.
Ava is taking too long and the vodka in my system has convinced me that it’s time to grace the microphone with my presence. My heart is aching so I decide to sing my favorite heartbreak anthem.
“Hello Eternally Young!” I’m greeted with cheers and whistles. “I recently had my heartbroken so I dedicate this to all of you who are trying to let that person go.”
When the first few notes of the music begin to play I scan the crowd and see a few women close their eyes or fidget with their hands and a few men stare at their drinks or feet in an attempt to forget losing the one they loved. I owe it to them and myself to sing this song like my soul is aching; and I do.
I cl
ose my eyes and belt out Adel’s “Someone Like You” like I just watched the person I love walk out of my life with someone else. When I’m done the bar is completely silent. I open my eyes and the room erupts in a mixture of deafening applause and whistles.
“Thank you.”
I do a quick curtsy and make my way back to my seat. On my way to my seat I see Kate stapling a photo to the karaoke wall of fame. I walk over to inspect it and there I am with my eyes closed holding on to the microphone for dear life.
I guess I was good enough to make it onto the wall. I make my way back to my seat and see Ava is standing next to it. I’m about to make a joke about my photo being up on the wall but when I glance at her I notice her eyes are inundated with tears.
“Ava, don’t cry.”
“You did good Mia.”
“Thanks.” I continue to look at her and will her not to cry.
“Are you ready to go home?”
Singing about my heartbreak was therapeutic but also sobering. “Yeah.”
“Okay lets go.”
****
I’m in my comfy bed but my emotions are too raw for me to sleep. So I grab my blanket off of my bed and head for the hammock. I crank up the space heater, replay memories I shared with Ethan out here, and watch the snowfall until I conk out.
Chapter Twenty-One
I Wish You The Best
Four weeks later…Saturday
“How did I let you talk me into this?” I groan.
“You need to do more than work, sleep, and drink beer with the boys. Tom is a nice guy and you’ll like him.”
I mumble under my breath but continue getting dressed. I know I need to date but I’m just not feeling up to it tonight.
“Maybe I should reschedule the date.”
“Until when? Two months, my wedding, a year, two years? He’s moving on and you need to the same.”
I hate to admit it but she’s right. Damn Ava. Ethan has been dating a plethora of women and shows no sign of stopping.
One week after our breakup his job hired three new employees and he now has tons of time on his hands. If I had listened to him that night, we would have been blissfully happy in six days; but I didn’t and now I’m single. So I need to date nice men like Tom so my heart will mend itself. I need to date, so when I fall in love again I won’t doubt that it’s genuine.
“Okay, make me beautiful.”
“You’re already beautiful, I’ll make you unforgettable.” I smile at her and thank God that he sent me the greatest friend in the world.
****
One week later
I’m on my second date with Tom and it’s just as dull as the first one was. He’s very nice but there’s just no spark between us and I’m bored stiff. I need to plan my escape; so I excuse myself from the table and head to the restroom. When I’m in the hallway outside of the restroom, I call Chris and devise a plan. He’s going to call me in five minutes with an emergency that needs my immediate attention.
After I hang up I turn to head back to the table but I’m not paying attention to where I’m going and run into the wall. I try to steady myself when a pair hands settle on my arms. I know those hands! When I look up I stare into a pair of hazel eyes.
I don’t know what to say. I mean I imagined what I’d say to him when I saw him again but nothing comes to me. My mouth is dry, I start to sweat, and I suspect I have a guilty look on my face. Ethan clears his throat nervously and releases me.
“Hello Mia, you here with friends?”
“No, I’m on a date.”
“A date?” he asks surprised and a little angry.
“That’s what you suggested we do right?” I ask getting angry.
Silence.
“Its not like you’ve been abstaining.”
More silence.
Okay this is awkward.
“Well this has been awkward as hell so I think I’m gonna go now.”
I side step him and reward myself with a smile for not turning around to look at him. As soon as I reach the table, my phone rings.
Perfect.
As Tom settles the bill and we prepare to leave, I see Ethan at a table with Karen. She looks perfect with her blonde hair pulled to the top of her head, a skintight red dress, and pair of blinged out stilettos. The image of them is like a shot to the heart. I hurry Tom along because I need to get out of here ASAP.
****
Hours later
I’m sitting in the dark in my recliner when I hear Ava come into the house. A few seconds later my door opens but the figure is too big to be Ava. I reach for my bat the same time that my overhead light is flipped on.
It’s Ethan.
Apparently I never got my key back from him. He scans my room until his eyes find me and he smiles. “My Mia,” he slurs.
“What are you doing here?”
“I miss my Mia.”
“Are you drunk?”
“Yup,” he replies happily.
“How’d you get here?”
“Steve.” Of course he would aid Ethan in this pursuit.
“I think I should take you home.”
“No! Too many memories there; I want to stay here with the real you and not some memory of you at home.” Well at least I’m not the only one having a hard time with this breakup.
“Then you can sleep on the couch.”
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend and he’s not here,” I state as I fold my arms across my chest.
“Good; now I won’t have to beat him up,” he says taking off his coat and letting it fall to the floor.
“Why would you beat him up?”
“Because I love you and no one touches the woman I love.”
“I love you but that doesn’t stop you from letting women touch you.”
“I’m trying to get over you,” he says solemnly.
“By dating Karen?”
“It’s just easier with her.”
“Because you dated her before?”
“Because I was engaged to her before.”
The air leaves my lungs in a rush and I think I’m going to have a heart attack. He must notice my panic because he pulls me from my seat and wraps me in his arms.
“It was just one date.”
“But she means more to you than the others. Are you two serious?”
“No.”
“But you could be.”
“You dumped me.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to date her!”
“What did you expect me to do?”
“Miss me and take me back.”
“You made your bed Mia.”
“So did you.”
Ethan runs his hand through his hair in frustration before speaking. “Will we always talk in circles?”
I shrug my shoulders because it’s a possibility that we will, and I can’t be in a relationship where we’re always arguing about the same thing. Ethan stares at me for a while before his eyes become somber and I know he’s come to the same conclusion. He stares at me so long that it looks like he’s trying to memorize every inch of my face.
“Lets dance.”
When we were together, we would occasionally dance to a playlist he created before we went to bed. My heart had done an excellent job of blocking this memory from my mind and now here he is forcing me to face it.
“No,” is my tortured response.
“It’ll be our closure. We began with a dance and now we’ll end with one.”
I’m shaking my head as he places his phone on my portable speaker and begins the playlist. His gaze locks with mine as he pulls me into his arms and we sway agonizingly slow. We dance our way through Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are,” Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball,” Rihanna’s “Stay,” Mariah Carey ft. Miguel’s “Beautiful,” and Bruno Mar’s “When I Was Your Man.”
During our dance I take in his smell, the softness of his skin, the way his arms feel wrapped around me, and the sound of his
breathing; my heart and mind understands that this will be the last time I’ll get to experience this.
I can’t fight the tears and by the time Bruno is done singing about his regrets, I am a sobbing mess. Ethan leads me to my bed and removes our shoes. We climb under the covers fully clothed and he pulls my head to rest on top of his chest.
“Shame on me for neglecting you.”
“Shame on me for walking away.”
“Goodbye darlin’,” he whispers emotionally.
“Goodbye Ethan,” I whisper as I listen to his steady heartbeat for the last time. The finality of our situation is heart wrenchingly sweet, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Desperately Seeking A Friend
June
Ava’s big day is tomorrow and I’m sad to see all of her things gone from our home. She has finally moved all of her things into her new place and Ethan has moved into a loft across town.
Two months ago I began to have a breakdown about her leaving and I needed a friend to lean on. I’m still dating but haven’t formed a bond with anyone so I couldn’t confide in any of them. I tried to talk to the boys but all I got was “stop being a pussy.”
I couldn’t talk to Ava (she would feel guilty), and Charlee is busy trying to land a job (plus she would tell Steve). The only choice I had left was Noah. I know what you’re thinking but Noah is the only one who knows how close I am with Ava and how much I’m going to miss her.
I called him and he didn’t ask any questions; he met me at work and was an unbiased ear. We have been hanging out for several weeks but no one knows it. Ava is crazy busy with the wedding, the boys are busy chasing skirts, and Charlee is trying to keep Steve from stressing Ava out.
I don’t want to go to the wedding alone so I asked him to be my guest and now I have to break the news to Ava. I know Ava is going to flip, so I keep my date’s identity a secret until the day before the wedding. I know that she will be nice and relaxed while we get our nails done, so I’ll spring it on her then.
****
Friday…Spa Day
This morning we had hair extensions added, massages, and now we’re getting our manicures and pedicures done. Once we’re knee deep in relaxing bath crystals I lay it on her.