by Leanne Davis
Why the fuck should that change now?
But his heart blipped in a weird way and seemed to rattle around in his chest. It was obviously in denial. No. No, something had definitely changed. Everything changed. It was all tied up in one woman, the first one who ever sought him out. Brianna. Had Brianna managed to alter everything about his life for him?
Chapter Nine
OKAY, SHE WASN’T IMAGINING it. Finn was clutching her in a needy way. He freaking felt just like she did. Now she simply had to talk about it. It struggled to escape like a feral animal trapped inside her until she could not resist any longer. She hugged him and his head rested right over her heart. He must have felt how fast it was beating. His warm breath on her skin soothed her as she played with the curls on his head that were still damp from the sweat of their supersonic, white-hot sex.
When he finally slowly slid out of her, he released her and barely sat up, putting his back to her. He took the condom off and got to his feet. She rolled over and pulled her knees upwards to her chest. The covers were all messed up. She groped for one and found nothing. What was he thinking? Where was he going? His tightly defined butt dipped down to strong thighs. Dark black hairs covered them. Brianna was fascinated, but she also felt sick because she was so nervous. Ridiculously nervous. The moment continued to build. They had to talk. She had to find the words to try and make sense of this. Which was no fun romp in the bed. And not just sex. She was quite familiar with fun, easy, casual sex. This? This was unparalleled. To Brianna, it was like trying to compare croquet to big wave surfing. He went into the bathroom and she heard water running, then him peeing, then the toilet flushing. He flipped the light off… damn. He was suddenly standing at the end of the bed.
Brianna thought she should wash off. Her skin felt sticky from sweat as well as from Finn, and yet, all she could do was huddle in a ball. In stark contrast to her boldly crawling all over him naked, feeling proud and sure of her body, now she huddled in the fetal position. She didn’t look as sure or as confident. Finn, for once, didn’t feel shy however. He stared at her before getting into the bed and slowly crawling towards her. She turned toward him. The luxury of showing her back to him or trying to hide and talk was long forgotten. With Finn, she had to expose her face in order to speak to him. She wasn’t particularly fond of that, not every moment. Sighing, she lifted her head up so he could see her lips.
“We have to talk.”
“Sex is a lot easier for me. Hopefully, I’m better at that than I am at talking.”
“You speak just fine.” She scowled, then glared at him.
He smiled, leaning over to ruffle her hair. “I don’t always know what I say. Half the time, I don’t know what you say.”
She squinted her eyes. Issues. The man had issues up one side and down the other. The fear of being reduced to his disability or made to feel like he wasn’t a normal guy that normal girls wanted to fuck, still bothered him. Brianna could have inadvertently reinforced that fear. She nodded and pursed her lips. “Your dick works exactly like every other dick I’ve ever touched or seen or sucked. That make you feel normal?”
His expression changed. “Uh… how should I answer that?”
Her shoulders stooped forward. “I’m sorry. I just… I don’t want it…no, sex with you is definitely not like every other time.”
“What is it like then?”
“The first time.”
He tilted his head. “I don’t understand.”
“I never cared about anyone before. It makes all the difference. And you’re too hung up on blaming your deafness for whatever goes wrong in your life. That isn’t why I’m here, not at all.”
His lips twitched. “Do I do that?”
She finally smiled. “Okay, maybe not always. But you do give it way too much credit, when it isn’t the issue. Right now? It’s not the issue at all.”
No one ever told him his deafness wasn’t the issue or got angry at him for making it so. That’s why she was extraordinary. She expected to interact with him normally and she refused to accept any excuses. Excuses like not being able to freaking hear her.
“What is the issue? Why are you here? Like this?”
She nodded. “Fair enough question. And crap…” Her head began shaking, and she rolled her eyes. “Shit, if we didn’t go right back to your being deaf. Right after I said it wasn’t about that. But not in the way you think it is. I don’t know how to say it.”
“What are you talking about?”
She leaned forward, squeezing her breasts smaller before she remembered to lift her head to face him. “I need to cover up first.”
He waited while she swung off the bed and dipped below his eyesight before popping back up and slipping a shirt on. She walked over and sat down on the side of the bed, sliding her hands between her thighs and staring at them. Drawing in a deep breath, she turned to face him. “I wore earphones today. I didn’t talk to anyone except by texting. I couldn’t hear my family or even begin to make out a word they said. How do you do that? How do you read words that you can’t hear? It’s so hard. Like super, crazy, unfathomably hard. You know that, right?” She shut her eyes. “Damn it. I did it again. Of course, you realize how hard it is.”
His lips twitched. “I’ve noticed that from time to time, yes. You get better though after a few decades of practice. But go on… what are you trying to say?”
“I was deaf today, Finn, and it was very hard.”
“You mean, you wore earphones today?”
“Yes, I experienced the entire day without sound. It actually took ear plugs and noise canceling earphones. I required both because my hearing is excellent. Anyway, yes. That’s what I did.”
His expression morphed into incredulity. “Why?”
She reached out and took his hand. “You intimidate me.”
He was startled at finding her hand near his. He failed to follow her scattered thoughts and conversation. “Please hold my hand. I feel very awkward telling you this. It would help if I could hold your hand. You don’t ever reach out for me or touch me or comfort me or… I need that.”
He stared down at her hand, lying palm up before he looked at his, which was limp on the bed. He glanced back up at her. “No, it doesn’t usually occur to me. I don’t touch anyone. Who would I touch?”
She suddenly moved from the edge of the bed, where he sat, and straddled him before staring face-to-face once more as she stared at him with big eyes that were filled with tears. “It’s that right there. That is why you woke up to find me naked on top of you. You break my fucking heart.”
He shook his head. “Why? How? I don’t know what you mean.”
She gripped his face in her hands, placing her thumbs under his cheeks and leaned forward and kissed his lips. “You don’t ever think to touch me. Or act like you want me. You don’t think about touching or wanting anyone. I can’t stand knowing how alone you are. Physically and emotionally trapped in silence… that endless silence. I can’t stand it.” Her hands still held his face as she spoke and her eyes were sad and caring.
“So by having sex with me, you what? Thought you could cure my silence?”
“No. I wanted to share it with you.”
He stared at her. She wasn’t smiling or kidding. He tried to turn his head but her hands pushed his face back to hers. “You don’t get to run and hide from me. I literally lay down naked and bare for you, which was more than hard for me to do. As hard as it is for you to keep looking at me and knowing what I say, so you have to.”
He took in a sharp breath. “Okay, so you put earphones on and concluded it sucked. Was that when you decided you should come over and have sex with me? To what purpose? To set me up for a thrill and make me feel better in the silence? Because you didn’t like knowing about the silence?”
She shook her head. “Don’t. Don’t try to hurt my feelings. Don’t try to make me feel stupid. It wasn’t like that at all.”
She knew how to shut him up when necessary. B
rianna was hard to inflame because she always came right back with a snappy retort, and he usually deserved whatever she gave him. He sighed. “All right then, tell me what it’s like. It was more or less exactly what I told you I didn’t want and that’s you coming here to give me a pity fu—”
Covering his mouth with her hand she replied, “Shut up.”
He raised his eyebrows. Her hands still covered his mouth.
“Just shut up.”
He closed his mouth behind her hand and finally nodded; and only then did she let go of his mouth.
She bit her lip before she continued. “I know you didn’t want a pity fuck. I am trying to explain to you: this was not a fuck. It was…” her lips stopped moving. Her glance wandered away and then back. “It was an act of love, I think. And imagine how I feel saying that to you. You, who won’t even express one nice thought to me. You, who can’t even touch my hand. So here I am, Finn. I’m risking everything and putting my stupid, foolish heart into your callous, angry hands. You’re not the only one having a difficult time.”
He leaned back and his heart nearly stopped beating in his chest. Did she just say that? Her head shook, and her mouth was compressed. “As I was saying, Finn, I couldn’t hear. Nothing. It was silent all day long. I couldn’t hear my family’s conversations or the TV. I tried watching it, but missed the music. Deafness is nothing like reading subtitles on foreign films. The music adds so much more I never noticed before, and without it, there’s only silence. I tried to keep reading the captions but it was… tiring… fuck. There I go again. I’m always rubbing it in and I really don’t mean to, I’m just trying to explain the difference…”
Her head started shaking and she spoke to herself before smacking her forehead. Even Finn sensed the sarcasm when she said, “Yes, I’m just trying to explain what being deaf is like to a deaf person.” She pushed back off his chest. “No wonder you don’t take me seriously. The stupid stuff I say…”
She turned her head and he didn’t know if she kept talking. He suddenly lunged towards her and caught her on her forearms, above her wrists. Startled, she popped her head up as he pulled her forward, closer to him. He held her and stared at her face. Her breathtakingly beautiful face that was merely trying to understand him. She wanted to care for him and he was just starting to advance beyond his own insecurities. But how far was she was willing to go with it? How far would Brianna Starr go to investigate what it felt like to be him?
“No one else ever tried to explain being deaf to me.”
“Well, of course not. It’s thoughtless, mean, and it mocks you. Why am I telling you? As if you need me to explain something you have to live with every day. I see now why you don’t take me seriously—”
“Let me talk. I was going to say, no one else has tried to understand what it’s like for me. From my point of view. I don’t know what I’m missing. I’ve never heard music or a TV show so I can’t imagine what it adds. I’m sure it must have alarmed you. But the only reason you did this was because you wanted to know what deafness was like for me?”
She nodded, her entire face going red and embarrassed as the hurt filled her eyes with tears. “Yes.”
“But why did you come here?” It was still hard for Finn to believe she did not do it out of pity. In some warped way, he followed her chaotic way of thinking. She really wanted to know what it was like. Being deprived of her sense of hearing, which she was so used to, must have freaked her out.
Her hand clenched his, and he still clung to her arm as if to keep her from running off. He let go of her slightly and gripped her hand. Her eyes looked down and back up. “I came here because… I couldn’t stand for you to be alone in silence another moment… not… not…”
“Not what, Brianna?”
“Not without me.”
He stared at her. What did she mean?
She gripped his hand and pulled it to her lips, kissing their joined hands. “I couldn’t handle it for even twelve hours… I can’t… I hate knowing how you had to handle it for all those years and virtually all alone. No parents. No siblings… no friends. No one. I…”
“Wait. You did that experiment for twelve whole hours?” His thunderstruck expression had to show.
Growing weary, she nodded. “Yes. Why do you look so horrified? I know it wasn’t very long… but I couldn’t stand it any longer. And you’re probably thinking I’m such a spineless wimp if I couldn’t even handle it for a single day. I’m so spoiled with all—”
Finn grabbed her and kissed her. No one he knew would willingly spend twelve hours of their life with headphones on simply to… what? What did Brianna hope to accomplish?
Understanding. Compassion. A new perspective. Her quirkiness, caring, and sweetness overwhelmed him. No one had ever done anything close to that for him. He felt humbled and confused and yet, how was this sex not the result of pity?
He released her. “I’m astonished. Most people might try it for a half hour or maybe a couple of hours… but definitely not twelve. I’ve had no one in my corner since I was… well, it’s been years, Brianna. The school district provided me with a speech therapist and later on, a translator. But they were paid to help me, so you’re the first person who ever wanted to really know me. You want me to trust you? I want to but it’s so hard for me. I’ve never trusted anyone.”
Streaks of tears rolled down her cheeks and she nodded her head over and over as she clasped his face to hers. “That’s why I couldn’t stand for you to be alone or separate for a moment longer and never again. I wanted to be with you to give you a moment’s break from it. And I wanted to sleep with you for so long… so why wait another day? Seize the moment, right? I couldn’t resist the impulse and I had to do this.”
He watched her tears fall, making soft, little, wet rivulets down her cheeks. She might have sniffled. Her nose twitched.
He didn’t know what to do or think.
“Finn, I didn’t come here because I thought I could make you feel better. I came here because I knew it would make me feel better. I think about you and desire you… all of you… your body and your heart… What we just did? I’ve only ever done that with you.”
She nuzzled his mouth, her lips pressed on his and then on his neck and cheek. He closed his eyes as her soft, warm lips kissed him. She was right; for the first time he could remember, he didn’t feel so alone or separate. It was silent in his head, and when he closed his eyes, it was dark and blissfully quiet… That was all he knew. He’d eventually try to explain that to her. For him, being deaf wasn’t a torturous, day-long experience. Silence was simply his world. It made him who he was. It didn’t upset him. He did not find it unpleasant. Not like Brianna did.
His resentment came when other people sidelined him, or treated him differently or made him feel less than everyone else simply because he communicated differently.
Brianna’s warmth surrounded him. He could feel everything about her. Her touch, her lips, her hands. Every place their bodies made contact was magnified in his brain and senses. “You did. You gave me a moment’s break from it. You made me connected when I haven’t been in a very long time,” he whispered to her.
He didn’t look to see if she spoke. Her sudden response with an open mouth and hands sliding all over him suggested she heard what he said and she wanted him so he let that be enough.
Chapter Ten
PHONE RINGING. BRIANNA VAGUELY stirred in her sleep, slowly realizing that’s what woke her. Her eyes fluttered open as the brightness of the lamp-lit room hurt them. Confused and dazed, she looked towards Finn’s nightstand. There was her cell phone ringing crazy loud. She preferred the old-fashioned phone ring so she could always hear it. Damn. She felt like her ears had been boxed without mercy. She glanced over. Finn was blessedly unaware and still sound asleep. Although when she moved and started floundering around for her phone, she saw his eyelids slowly peeling open.
She glanced and chuckled, no wonder the call came in at four in the morning. On a Mond
ay when no one else would think to call her.
“Cams. How are you?” By habit, she whispered. Finn stared at her, blinking as he seemed to finally comprehend what she was doing. He slid upright. His naked torso, defined and tanned came into view. The side lamp was still on.
“Brianna. I’m here. I miss you so much all ready. I had to call. Where are you? Mom’s? Or your dad’s house?”
“I’m actually not at home…” Her gaze flickered to Finn’s, totally embarrassed and unsure. She was in Finn’s bed. “So…” she spoke very low as if she wanted to hide it. She held the phone away from her mouth and said, “It’s Cami,” to Finn.
Finn must have gathered something. He touched her arm and she looked his way. “Turn your head and I can’t read what you’re saying. Say hi to Cami for me.”
Duh. She nodded and dropped her head. He lay back flat. Her face scrunched up. This was so weird. She could have a private, gossipy conversation with her best friend, normally reserved for totally alone time, right there next to him. He would have no clue what she said.
“I’m at Finn’s actually.” She turned her attention back to Cami.
“Finn? As in our Finn?”
“How many Finns do you know?”
“Wow. Shit. Damn. You and Finn? I didn’t… Whoa. I should have guessed, but oddly I didn’t.”
“Neither did I. I literally jumped on him naked last night, while he was sleeping and now I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“I woke you guys?” She paused. “Damn. It’s only four a.m. I always miscalculate the stupid time difference. Sorry. I’m so sorry, it’s strange for me to realize you aren’t doing what I’m doing as it’s a totally different time of day. So spill. He’s really right there?”