by Dan Gutman
Dedication
To Emma
Contents
Dedication
1. Lightbulb Head
2. The Brain Games
3. The Death Machine
4. The Bridge of Love
5. Welcome to the Brain Games
6. It’s So Jiggly!
7. You Snooze, You Lose
8. Carry That Weight
9. Talking Trash
10. Grudge Match
11. The Dirkmobile vs. the Death Machine
Back Ad
About the Author and Illustrator
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
My name is A.J. and I hate being smart.
If you ask me, being smart is dumb. When you’re a smart kid, grown-ups expect you to be smart all the time. Then they get all upset when you do something dumb. But when you’re a dumb kid, grown-ups expect you to be dumb all the time. Then when you do something dumb, it’s no big deal. But when you do something smart, they act like you’re a genius.
That’s why my friends and I act dumb all the time. We want to lower the expectations of grown-ups. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
It was Monday morning. We were in Mr. Cooper’s class, arguing about which one of us is the dumbest.
“I’m dumber than you are,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“I’m dumber than both of you,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
“I’m the dumbest kid in the history of the world,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“I was dumb before any of you dumbheads were even born,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.
We had to end the discussion. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years who ran into the door at that moment.
Nobody! Why would you run into a door? That would be really dumb. But you’ll never believe who ran into the doorway.
It was Mr. Klutz, our principal! He has no hair on his head at all. But he did have a hat on his head, and on top of the hat was a big lightbulb.
That was weird. Mr. Klutz’s bald head already looks like a lightbulb. So he really doesn’t need a lightbulb hat.
“Can anyone guess why there’s a lightbulb over my head this morning?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Because it didn’t fit in your pocket?” I asked.
“A.J., you need to raise your hand,” said Mr. Cooper. “Don’t just blurt things out.”*
Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, was waving her hand in the air like she had to go to the bathroom really badly. Andrea keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is. Of course, Mr. Klutz called on her.
“A lightbulb over your head means you have a good idea,” she said.
“That’s right, Andrea!” said Mr. Cooper.
Andrea smiled the smile that she smiles to let everybody know that she knows something nobody else knows. Why can’t a truck full of lightbulbs fall on her head?
“Do you want to hear what my good idea is?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Yes!” said all the girls.
“No!” said all the boys.
I didn’t want to hear Mr. Klutz’s idea. Usually, when he has an idea, that means we have to learn stuff. Learning stuff is boring. If I was principal of a school, nobody would ever have to learn anything. I would let the kids have recess all day long.
But you probably want to know what Mr. Klutz’s genius idea was.
Well, I’m not gonna tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.
“We’re starting an exciting new program!” Mr. Klutz told us.
All the girls started whispering to each other and rubbing their hands together, as if we were going to get ice cream or something.
“You’re going to participate in the Brain Games!” said Mr. Klutz.
The Brain Games? I didn’t like the sound of that. I hate using my brains. Using your brains means thinking. And thinking means learning. And learning isn’t fun.
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
A lady walked into our classroom.
Well, that’s not the weird part, because ladies walk into our classroom all the time.
The weird part was that the lady walked into our classroom on her hands!
“I’m going to let Miss Brown explain the Brain Games to you,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Miss Brown is upside down!” I shouted.*
“You need to raise your hand, A.J.,” said Mr. Cooper.
Then Miss Brown jumped up so she was on her feet like a normal person.
“You’re probably wondering why I was walking on my hands,” she said. “Anybody can walk on their feet. It’s more creative to walk on your hands.”
“Miss Brown is an expert on creativity,” said Mr. Klutz. “She’s going to be your coach for the Brain Games.”
“The Brain Games are a competition where you use your brains,” said Miss Brown. “It involves creative projects blah blah blah think differently blah blah blah create and explore blah blah blah . . .”
What a snoozefest. I had no idea what she was talking about.
“When I say ‘up,’ I want you to think ‘down,’” said Miss Brown. “When I say ‘in,’ I want you to think ‘out.’”
“This isn’t going to be one of those boring educational activities, is it?” asked Mr. Cooper.
Ewww, Mr. Cooper said the E word!
“Oh no, the Brain Games are going to be fun!” said Miss Brown. “The kids are going to create their own vehicle, and they’re going to build a bridge, too. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“Yes!” shouted all the girls.
“No!” shouted all the boys.
“The Brain Games are sponsored by the Jiggly gelatin company,” said Miss Brown. “I’m sure you’ve all tasted Jiggly at home.”
“It jiggles, so you know it’s good,” added Mr. Klutz.
I’ve tasted Jiggly gelatin. It looks like Jell-O, but it tastes horrible. My mother gave Jiggly to me one time when I was sick. It was worse than the medicine.
“And here’s the big news,” said Mr. Klutz. “Your class is going to compete against another school to see which third grade will be the Brain Games champion of our town.”
“Which school?” we all asked.
“Dirk School,” said Mr. Klutz.
WHAT?! No! Not Dirk School! Dirk School is on the other side of town. That’s where the really smart kids go. We call it Dork School.
I didn’t like the whole idea of the Brain Games. I guess I was making a mean face.
“What’s the matter, A.J.?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“The Brain Games sound like a way to trick dumb kids into being smart,” I said.
“There’s no way we can beat those Dirk jerks anyway,” said Ryan.
“Yeah, they’re way too smart,” said Michael.
“You kids are smart, too,” said Mr. Klutz, “and I think you can win. Oh, by the way, there will be a prize for the school that wins the Brain Games.”
“A prize?” asked Andrea.
“A prize?” asked Emily, a big crybaby who says everything Andrea says.
“A prize?” asked Alexia.
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying “a prize?”
“The school that wins the Brain Games,” said Mr. Klutz, “will get a trip to PizzaWorld Water Park!”
“WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
PizzaWorld is the coolest water park in the history of water parks. You get to go down
a water slide on a giant slice of pizza. They have a tomato sauce log flume. The best ride is Cheese Mountain, a roller coaster on a mountain made of cheese. And in the snack bar you get all the pizza you can eat.
“We need to choose a team captain,” said Miss Brown. “Are any of you in the gifted and talented program?”
Andrea’s hand shot up in the air.
“Aren’t you in the G and T program, too, A.J.?” asked Mr. Cooper.
I slinked down in my seat. I never wanted to be in the gifted and talented program. That’s for dorks like Andrea. But Ms. Coco, our gifted and talented teacher, forced me into it.
“Okay, A.J. and Andrea will be the cocaptains of your Brain Games team,” said Mr. Cooper.
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are cocaptains. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
The next morning, right after we pledged the allegiance, Miss Brown came into our classroom. This time she wasn’t walking on her hands. She was on a pogo stick!
“Anybody can walk on their hands,” she told us. “It’s more creative to hop.”
“The students are very excited about the Brain Games,” said Mr. Cooper. “When do we begin?”
“Right now!” Miss Brown replied. “The most important part of the Brain Games is building our car. So we should work on that first.”
WHAT?! Building our car? Is she out of her mind?
“We can’t build a car!” said Ryan.
“We can’t build a car!” said Michael.
“We can’t build a car!” said Neil.
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying that we couldn’t build a car.
“Sure you can!” said Miss Brown. “You just have to use your creativity.”
“But a car needs a motor,” said Andrea. “How can we build a car without a motor?”
“Hmmm,” said Miss Brown. “We need to find something that will turn the wheels. So what turns around?”
“A screwdriver,” said Neil.
“An eggbeater!” shouted Emily.
“A drill!” yelled Alexia.
Kids were shouting out all kinds of things that turn. I looked around the room. That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“A pencil sharpener!” I shouted.
Everybody looked at me like I was crazy.
“A pencil sharpener turns around,” I said.
“But how can a pencil sharpener power a car?” asked Ryan.
“It can if it’s an electric pencil sharpener,” I told them.
Everybody looked at me some more.
“Wait a minute!” Andrea said. “Arlo’s right! Remember that remote control pencil sharpener that Mrs. Yonkers showed us?”
“Oh, yeah!” everybody said.
Our computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers, has a thing for remote controls. She uses a remote control for everything. She even has a remote control remote control. That’s a remote control you use when you’re too lazy to get your regular remote control. You just press a button on the remote control remote control and you can control your remote control remotely.*
Mr. Cooper went down the hall to talk to Mrs. Yonkers. They came back with the remote control pencil sharpener she invented. It made it possible to sharpen a pencil from ten feet away.
“We can use the motor from the pencil sharpener to turn the wheels of our car,” I explained, “and then we can move the car with the remote control.”
I should get the Nobel Prize for that idea. That’s a prize they give to people who don’t have bells.
While Mrs. Yonkers helped us take the motor out of the pencil sharpener, Mr. Cooper got on the intercom and called a few of the other teachers. Miss Small, our gym teacher, came in with four tennis balls we could use as the wheels for our car. Miss Lazar, our custodian, brought up some wood, screws, and tools so we could build the body of our car. Mr. Docker, our science teacher, helped us figure out a way to steer our car. Ms. Hannah, our art teacher, brought up some paint so we could decorate our car.
We spent all morning working. Mr. Cooper said we could skip reading, writing, and math for the morning because everybody was doing such a good job.
Finally, just before lunch, the car was done. We all stood back to look at it.
“Wow,” I said. “This car is cool!”
“You kids are so creative!” said Miss Brown.
“We should give the car a name,” suggested Ryan.
Everybody started shouting out names.
“The Love Bug!”
“Super Car!”
“Floyd!”
“The Death Machine!”
Miss Brown said we should vote on it. She had us raise our hands to vote. There was an equal number of boys and girls in the class. All the boys voted for the “Death Machine.” The girls voted for the “Love Bug.” Only one girl didn’t vote. It was Alexia. So she had the deciding vote.
“Which name do you vote for, Alexia?” asked Miss Brown.
“Vote for the Love Bug!” shouted all the girls.
“Vote for the Death Machine!” shouted all the boys.
Alexia didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to do. She had to think fast.
“I vote for . . . ,” she finally said, “. . . the Death Machine.”
“Yeah!” shouted all the boys.
And that’s how our car came to be called the Death Machine.
“You know what would be really cool?” I said. “We should put a rocket launcher on the roof of the Death Machine.”
“What’s the point of that?” Andrea asked, rolling her eyes. “Cars don’t have rocket launchers.”
“Rocket launchers are cool,” I told Andrea. “Every car should have a rocket launcher on the roof.”
“I got a model rocket kit for my birthday,” said Neil. “It would be easy to attach a rocket launcher to the roof of the Death Machine.”
“Anybody can build a car with no rocket launcher on the roof,” said Ryan. “But putting a rocket launcher on the roof is creative. Right, Miss Brown?”
We all looked at Miss Brown. She thought it over without saying anything for a million hundred seconds.
“I think putting a rocket launcher on the roof of the Death Machine is a great idea!” she said.
Ha! Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea! She lost two arguments in a row.
“I’ll bring my rocket launcher to school tomorrow,” said Neil.
“In the meantime, we need to test the car,” said Miss Brown.
Neil put the Death Machine on the floor. I picked up the remote control. Michael and Ryan moved some desks out of the way to make room.
“Okay, let it rip, A.J.,” said Miss Brown.
I pushed the ON button. The car made a sound like a pencil sharpener. Then it started moving slowly.
“It works!” Neil shouted.
“See if it can turn left, A.J.,” said Miss Brown.
I steered the car to the left.
“The Death Machine is hard to control,” I said.
“See if it can turn right, A.J.,” said Miss Brown.
“I’m trying . . . ,” I said.
It wasn’t easy. I kept pushing the buttons, but the Death Machine seemed to go wherever it wanted.
Suddenly, it started moving back and forth really fast.
Then it started driving around in crazy circles!
“I can’t control it!” I shouted.
Kids were diving to get out of the way!
“Run for your lives!” yelled Neil.
Everybody started yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out.
That’s when Emily tripped and fell. The Death Machine was coming straight at her!
“Help!” Emily shouted just before the car crashed into her.
She was on the floor, freaking out. Then she got up and went running out of the room.
/> What a crybaby! All she did was get run over by a car.
I guess we need to do some more tests on the Death Machine.
Right after we pledged the allegiance the next morning, Miss Brown came into our classroom. This time she wasn’t hopping on a pogo stick. She climbed in through the window!
“Anybody can use a door,” she told us. “It’s more creative to climb in the window.”
Miss Brown is weird.
Neil brought his model rocket launcher from home, and we attached it to the roof of the Death Machine. It looked cool.
“What’s our next Brain Games task?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“Today we’re going to build a bridge,” she replied. “The bridge that can support the most weight will be the winning bridge in the Brain Games.”
“How are we going to build a bridge?” asked Alexia. “We’re just kids.”
“You have to use your creativity,” said Miss Brown. “Now, what material could be used to build a bridge?”
“We should use something really strong,” Andrea said. “Like bricks.”
“According to the rules,” said Miss Brown, “we’re not allowed to use bricks. Besides, anybody can build a bridge with bricks. We have to use our creativity and build our bridge out of something you might find in a classroom.”
We all looked around.
“Pencils!” shouted Michael.
“Glue sticks!” shouted Ryan.
“Paper!” shouted Neil.
Everybody was yelling stuff. I looked around the classroom. There was a box of toothpicks on Mr. Cooper’s desk.
“Toothpicks!” I shouted.
Everybody looked at me like I was crazy. Everybody except Miss Brown.
“That’s a great idea, A.J.!” she hollered. “We can build our bridge out of lots of toothpicks!”
Wow, that was my second great idea in two days! No wonder I was in the gifted and talented program.
Mr. Cooper called Ms. Hannah in the art room, and a few minutes later she came in with a bunch more toothpicks in little boxes. We spent all morning gluing them together to build our toothpick bridge. Finally, just before lunch, the bridge was finished.