by Jon McDonald
She would collect the orders from her post office box, process them, and make a trip once or twice a week back into Chama to mail out her collection of small parcels, fulfilling her few orders.
She had been running a small classified ad in a couple of health food and new age magazines, and she had managed to make a few bucks along the way. But her brother had been urging her to go to the next level with her business. He was a very successful IT consultant who ran his business from home, and knew all about internet businesses. He knew a website would boost her sales, and he had offered to put the website together for her when he visited from Los Angeles. He would be arriving later this afternoon.
Chama, New Mexico was in the middle of God’s own nowhere - way up by the Colorado border where the nearest airport was Albuquerque (for any decent flights) – a good three hours away in fair weather. Sharon would have to be climbing into the pickup and heading out in the next twenty minutes.
She was pleased with what she had written so far. She shut down the computer, and went to her bedroom. She still had to dress, but first she sat at her dressing table and brushed out her long mane of auburn hair one hundred times. She had done this ever since she was a little girl under her mother’s tutelage. She never missed doing this, and as a result, her hair was lustrous and supple. She put a few drops of Hair Wonder, one of her essential oil blends, on her hands and ran them through her hair. She cocked her head as she gazed into the mirror and thought she looked quite a bit younger than her fifty plus years. Maybe a few pounds overweight, but that came with age and genetics and not inactivity on her part. She rose from her dressing table and dressed, as it was time to head out.
◘ ◘ ◘
Sharon pulled up to the passenger arrival zone at the Albuquerque International Airport. Daniel was already waiting for her at the curb, and he threw his bag into the back of the pickup and climbed into the passenger seat. He leaned over and gave Sharon a kiss on the cheek.
“Hi Sis,” he offered, as he settled in for the drive back to Chama.
“You hungry? Shall we stop for a bite?” Sharon asked.
“Nah, I’m fine. The plane was a little early getting in and I grabbed a sandwich before you came.” He turned to her, “Unless you need to stop.”
She shook her head. “I’m really glad you decided to visit. I’ve been worrying about you.” She glanced over at Daniel.
Daniel nodded but didn’t answer.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the funeral, Danny. I just couldn’t get away. There was nobody to watch the animals.”
“Yeah. I know.” But he didn’t sound too convinced.
“I’m sorry I never got to meet Hartley. You guys were always welcome to visit.”
“We almost did, once. Hartley had a weekend business conference in Santa Fe, and we both came. But we just didn’t have enough time to drive all the way up to Chama. But we did call you, remember?”
“Oh yeah - when was that - ‘bout three years ago?”
Daniel smiled. “He would have liked you. He always had a thing for brassy broads. He always wanted to be Auntie Mame.” They both laughed.
“Did he suffer a lot?” she asked.
“Cancer of the esophagus is tough to swallow.”
Sharon was taken aback by the crassness of the remark and looked over at Daniel.
“It’s okay. It’s a little joke. Not in the best taste, huh? But that was Hartley’s way of dealing with it. He never took himself too seriously. Even with the cancer.”
“Yeah, I would have liked him too,” Sharon added.
Daniel was quite unlike Sharon. He was boyish and slight, even at thirty-two. He had jet-black hair, like his father. Sharon took after her mother. He always joked that he was a mistake, as he came so late in his parent’s life. Both parents were now deceased, and it was only Sharon who had been willing to stay and take over the family farm. But there was no resentment on her part towards her brother because he had fled their sleepy little town. She was a natural to keep the farm going, and had developed her interest in essential oils, turning it into a modest hobby if not yet a thriving business.
Sharon looked over at Danny and took his hand. “I’m really glad you decided to visit. I know it’s been difficult for you to come back. I can’t imagine our little backwater was much of a challenge for a bright gay kid like you growing up.”
Daniel looked up at her. “Yeah, well, let’s not dwell on that, okay? Gotta let that kid stuff go or it drives you crazy.”
Sharon patted his hand. “Glad to hear that.”
“So, have you been putting some ideas together for the website?” Daniel tactfully changed the subject.
“I have. Done ya proud, kid. Just you wait and see,” she joked.
“Gotta get you makin’ some real money. Chickens, sheep, goats, and beets won’t cut it for long,” he teased.
Sharon turned serious again. “Danny, I hope you’ll take some time while you’re here to grieve a little for Hartley. I’ve got some really nice oils that will help you work through your process.”
Danny didn’t respond.
It was almost midnight by the time the truck bounced up the dirt road to the farm.
Danny yanked his bag out of the back of the truck and they went into the house, entering through the kitchen, which had a warm and cozy glow from the lamp hanging over the beat-up kitchen table where so many meals had been shared by the McAllister family.
“Really glad you’re here.” Sharon pulled Danny to her and looked deeply into his eyes. “Just a moment.” She went to the windowsill over the sink and rummaged through some tiny bottles. She came back with two. “Here.” She proceeded to rub some oil from the first bottle into Danny’s temples. “Life Lessons, this one’s called.” She opened a second - Grief Relief. “There.” She massaged some of this oil into his third eye. She stood back and looked at him again. “Better? Want some soup?”
“I’m exhausted. Think I’ll just head straight to bed if you don’t mind. But thanks anyway.”
“I gotta work on the garden tomorrow. Been neglecting it a bit. Maybe you could help me with some watering,” she smiled, knowing he could not refuse her.
“Sure.”
Daniel went to his old room. Sharon lingered in the kitchen heating up some cream of broccoli soup and making a cup of chamomile tea.
◘ ◘ ◘
Daniel felt like the kid ‘Danny’ again as he sat on the edge of the single bed in his darkened childhood room, staring out the window. A full moon flooded his old desk by the window. He had overcome his many childhood disappointments – or so he thought. Now the room seemed to swirl with memories and hauntings from his past.
Danny had never been perceived as a fag in school. He was not one of those poor kids who were hounded mercilessly because of the way they looked, or walked, or talked. He was tall and manly from hard work on the farm. And though he did not play sports -which he loathed - he excelled at academics and was the leader in many clubs. He even considered running for class president once, but finally declined, as he perceived it as being beneath him.
Danny had put himself on a pedestal. He had a heroic vision of himself. He was the ultimate white knight - a defender of maidenhood, a holder of primal truths, a paragon of moral virtue - Lancelot before Guinevere. He neither smoked nor drank. He eschewed drugs of any kind, even refusing aspirin for a headache. He belonged to a select group of kids from some of the ‘better’ families who hung out together, dating within the group, and who pretty much ruled the non-jock side of school. Daniel was great at math and English. He was on the yearbook, and head of the Debate Team. He dated Susanna Calderon from the group - a girl from one of the leading northern New Mexico families, who was a strict Catholic girl. She was as chaste and pure as hothouse flower – an Orchid without scent. This suited Daniel to a T, as this provided him cover for never having to have sex with her. But he could not admit this to himself - just yet.
But as successful as Danny was at
projecting his white knight image, he suspected that he might be, indeed, different. There was a structural flaw in his perfect alabaster persona. And it finally cracked and came crashing down in the summer between his junior and senior years.
Randal – ‘Randy’ – Miller was six years older than Daniel. He worked for the Cumbres and Toltec Scenic Railway as a brakeman. He was a friend of Sharon’s and would stop by the farm now and then to pick up fresh eggs for his family - a wife and twin girls. Every time he visited, when Danny was around, Danny would find an excuse to hang out at the chicken barn as Sharon collected eggs for Randy.
Randy had a shock of coarse blond hair that stuck up from his head like a rumpled haystack. It was never combed. He had twinkling blue eyes the color of robin’s eggs. And his laugh was infections and his smile disarming. Danny was a total wreck each time Randy drove away in his truck with a wave and a smile.
One Saturday afternoon when Danny was in town at the supermarket doing some errands for his mom, Randy came over as Danny was putting the groceries in the truck.
“Hey there, big guy,” Randy beamed.
Danny was stunned by how totally flustered he was by such a simple greeting.
“Hey.” Was all he could muster in response.
Randy stared at him for a long minuet without speaking. Then he asked, “You ever been to the rail yard?”
Danny shook his head - still unable to find his voice.
“I see.” Randy’s eyes seemed to bore into the very essence of Danny’s being - he was stripped naked and totally exposed.
“How’d you like to go over to the yards with me? Love to show you around. Got a new vintage carriage in. Been stripping it down and fixin’ it up to go on line next summer. How about it? Got time?”
Danny’s heart was racing. “Yeah. Sure.”
Danny was both exhilarated and terrified. Could it be? Was this about something more than just a tour of the facilities? Oh yes, it was. And this became the day that Danny McAllister finally climbed down off his pedestal. Today, Little Danny McAllister officially became a full blown, unadulterated, and card-carrying H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L.
What happened in the railway carriage that day is still dear to Danny’s heart to this day, and he smiled as he sat on the edge of his bed in the dark.
He and Randy carried on their secret affair until Danny went away on scholarship to Stanford University a year and a half later. Danny had some mild concerns that Randy had a wife he was cheating on, but with an eighteen-year-old’s hormones he wasn’t that concerned.
Needless to say, Danny’s life began to change at school. He started growing out his hair. He dumped poor Susanna Calderon faster than an Archbishop hiding his mistress when the Cardinal came a-calling. And he began to hang out with the semi-demimonde of the school and local artistic communities. He even ventured into his first gay bar in Durango with his fake ID one weekend when he was supposed to be visiting a sick friend. Uh huh.
Daniel finally lay back on his bed. He’d had quite enough of rummaging through the closet of his closeted past. He just wanted to rest. Hartley flashed briefly in his mind just before he fell asleep and the moon washed over him – the river Lethe carrying him swiftly into deep slumber - the succulent scents of MoonDrops wafting through his dreams.
◘ ◘ ◘
Sharon had risen early, as usual, the next morning. She made fresh coffee and left it out for Daniel along with an assortment of breakfast treats. She had fed the chickens; tended to the sheep and goats; checked her herb drying racks; hoed the row of beans; and was now in her shed bottling her new line - Mystical Memories - a memory enhancement product.
She heard the creak of the shed door.
“Danny, did you get some breakfast?” she asked, totally engrossed in her bottling.
She almost spilt the bottle she was gently pouring into a funnel, when she was grabbed from behind, and had a kiss planted on the side of her neck. She gasped and turned to find herself in Randy’s arms. He was beaming - a teasing smile flashed.
“Oh, how you startled me,” Sharon scolded as she disengaged herself from Randy’s hug. He laughed, turning her around, and grabbing her again, this time planting a big wet kiss on her cheek. “Don’t think you can just sweep me off my feet anytime you please, Mister.” She laughed, just loving the attention. “Here.” She applied a touch of the oil she had been pouring to the end of Randy’s nose. “Maybe this will help you remember to call me before you just show up,” she teased.
She heard the shed door open again, and she could see Danny over Randy’s shoulder, his mouth hanging open in wide-eyed disbelief. He backed up as Sharon disengaged herself from Randy’s hug. Randy turned and saw Daniel.
“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Randy sailed over to Daniel, his hand extended for a handshake. “You sure are looking mighty good there, fella.”
Daniel didn’t respond to the offered hand, but seemed to freeze. Randy threw his arms around Daniel in a big hug. Daniel shot a look at Sharon, pleading for an explanation.
Randy pulled back from the hug and looked straight into Daniel. “Hey, you are one sharp lookin’ dude. Where the hell you been keepin’ yourself? How come you never visit?”
“L.A.,” Daniel finally answered. “I live there now.”
Sharon came over and put a hand on Randy’s shoulder. “Danny just lost his partner to cancer. He’s up for a family visit.”
Randy’s smile quickly faded. “Oh hey, I’m sorry man. Didn’t know.”
“Yeah.” Danny backed away and immediately left the shed. He hurried back towards the house. But Randy sprinted after him, catching up with him just before Danny went inside. He grabbed Danny and turned him around.
“I’m so sorry,” Randy said, holding Danny to him.
Danny pulled fiercely away. “What the fuck!” He shouted as he backed away from Randy.
Randy was shocked. He took a step backwards.
“YOU and my SISTER?” Daniel’s indignation was raw.
“Hey, hey. It’s alright,” Randy pleaded, reaching his arms out towards Daniel. “You know, we’re really great friends.”
“Friends! It sure looked like a lot more than friends just now.”
“Well, we see each other now and then. You know how it is.”
“You got a wife and two girls…”
“Got a boy now too….”
“A wife and three kids… And you played around with me for a year and a half…. and now my sister?”
“Well hey - a guy’s got needs…” Randy managed a charming smile.
Daniel stood looking at Randy, shaking his head and wondering what he ever saw in this guy. Then a ray of sun cut through a cloud, illuminating Randy in a golden glow - his ragged hair a boyish tousle - his iceberg melting, crooked smile flickering - and then Danny remembered.
◘ ◘ ◘
Daniel stood at the top of Sharon’s vegetable garden with the hose. He was running the water between the rows, letting it soak deep into the roots. As he moved from row to row tears were streaming down his cheeks. Sandra was raking up in the chicken pen, when she looked over and saw Daniel crying.
She went over to him. “Hey, sweetie, you okay?”
“Oh yeah.” He started laughing as he wiped the tears away. “I was just thinking about Hartley. He so loved his roses, and this watering reminded me of him getting out of bed in the morning and going outside to water while it was still cool so the water wouldn’t burn the buds. He would stand there - stark naked - singing Maria Callas arias at the top of his voice. Said they were diva roses, and needed the appropriate stimulation. Fortunately we had a walled garden or the neighbors would have had such a treat.”
Sharon laughed and gave Danny a hug. “How old was he?”
“Can you believe he was only thirty-five?” He paused and gave a sad smile. “Never thought it would end like that. We were even planning to adopt a couple of kids. You know, the kind nobody else wanted - outcasts like us.”
Daniel had f
inished the watering, and he and Sharon dragged the hose back to the shed.
Daniel had never spoken to Sharon about his past with Randy. He didn’t think she knew about that, and didn’t want to upset her if she was having a happy little affair with the scalawag now. He had come to the farm to get away from L.A. for a while, and to get a little TLC from Sharon. And now here he was - wanting to protect and nourish her - knowing that, one day, Randy would surely disappoint her and let her down as well.
Daniel gratefully realized that he was, indeed, healing. His good cry over Hartley had cleansed his soul, and he was feeling lighter, and was able to see his own life with more clarity and purpose. He was ready to move on.
He put his arm around Sharon. “You ready to put that website together now?”
“You bet.”
“Great, then show me what you got.”
◘ ◘ ◘
They labored the rest of the day on the computer and by late afternoon both were exhausted, but happy with the results. Danny assured Sharon her business would grow, and advised her on how she should handle the additional orders.
Danny felt a celebration was in order, and offered to go into town to shop for a really delicious dinner he wanted to make for her, as he was an excellent cook. She was happy to have him make the dinner, and gave him the keys to the truck.
As Daniel drove into town he began to think about life after Hartley. He wanted to clean out all the closets; paint the bedroom the Tuscan yellow that Hartley hated; and became excited about knocking out the window overlooking the garden and putting in French doors and a flagstone patio, where he could breakfast with the two dogs and read the morning paper till noon if he so desired.
Daniel felt just a twinge of anxiety and excitement as he neared the turn-off to the road that led to Randy’s fishing cabin. This is where he and Randy would go after school to “make out,” as Randy so euphemistically characterized their hot and heavy sex sessions. But there was also a faint smile on Daniel’s face as he recalled their activities.