by Lyra Parish
Finn slid into the driver's side and started V with a vengeance.
The engine rumbled, and he burned rubber when we pulled off. Way to be an asshole, I thought.
My mind wandered as we drove down the long country road. I thought of my best friend, and Luke. I thought of my childhood cat and how she used to sleep between my legs when I was a kid. Then my thoughts went darker, and I thought about my parent's funeral and the house that I sold to run away from my anguish.
Finnley spoke to me, but I tuned him out, never really listening to a word he said. The way he barged in while I was in the middle of one of the most intimate moments of my life was unforgivable. But then again, did I have a right to be pissed? I was Finn's, after all.
My thoughts continued to wander on. They swooped into memories I had long forgotten, and they were interwoven with new memories of fancy dinners and designer clothes. High heel shoes and beautiful lingerie, and closets full of every piece of fabric I could imagine. My life had become something that I wasn't. I had become someone I didn't know anymore.
I sucked in deep breaths and exhaled long sighs, hoping the movement of air in my lungs would calm the burning anger.
The stars across the desert seemed to shine like bright diamonds. I could see the silhouettes of cactus line the streets, and watched the dust in our wake as we sped forward. The engine growled and purred, coaxing me calm, pulling me back to reality and away from dangerous thoughts. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the seat.
We pulled into the driveway, and I stared at the house that had become my home. Finn didn't look at me as he opened the door, and slammed it. Confusion coated me. I did nothing. He had no right to be pissed off at me. And with that, my rage went to an unknown level.
He had his woman.
He went on ski trips with Nancy, and fancy dinners, and brought her to business parties, and red carpet affairs.
Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, the name that seemed to show up everywhere.
The woman that all the Girls believed Finn would marry.
Nancy: the blonde bombshell that made Finn the happiest man alive.
What the hell did he want with me?
Everyone had gone for the evening and the house was quiet. Some of the girls took vacations with their Number Ones, and the others took time off to visit their family.
If I could have slept, I would have, but I couldn't. My emotions were reeling, and I had to clear my mind before I landed in a dark place of resentment.
I went to the patio. Winter was quickly approaching, and the grass seemed crispier under my bare feet. The stars above twinkled, but it was different than in Texas. The sky seemed to be darker, bigger, and stretch on for miles in Vegas like the city streets.
The lawn chair, although the fabric was cold beneath my legs, held me like a cocoon. The cold air brushed my skin, and I shivered, but didn't leave. I wanted to burn the images of Luke washing my naked body in my mind forever. I wanted to memorize the look on Finnley's face when Luke hovered above me kissing my neck, being so close to making me his own. Just one long thrust and he would have been completely inside me, and I no longer would be a virgin.
But Luke didn't want to hurt me and was taking his time, only to be fucked in the end.
The memory of his skin, soft to the touch and our closeness made my body beg for more. I leaned my head back and groaned.
When I fully understood I would be selling my virginity, I never thought the act of giving it away could be sweet. I imagined being fucked and deflated, left to deal with myself, and the ugly side of sex. Broken.
But it was nothing like that. The act—if it would have continued—would have been something beautiful that I could have fantasized about as an old woman.
Luke found beauty inside of me when I thought it was lost. Above all, he saw me as I could never see myself. The pictures he painted reflected his feelings. He brought color to my world of darkness, and for that, I would be forever thankful.
My thoughts wandered back to Finn, and the lingerie store, and the way he pinned me against the door and told me I was easy to love. The lust in his eyes and the husk in his voice traveled along my body with his breath.
Finn.
The whole reason why I sat in the back yard of a million-dollar mansion, and why I met Luke in the first place.
Finn.
The man who made me the sex crazed kitten that I was today. The one who taught me about my inner desires that I never knew existed.
Finn.
The man that pissed me off beyond the furthest star in the sky, yes fucking light years' worth.
Until I lost my virginity, the burden of being pure and wholesome would follow me as a stalker in the night. A heavy price tag sat on my shoulders, and locked tightly around my neck almost choking me.
I was Little Red Riding Hood, and the men that desired my virginity were the big, bad wolves, licking their lips as I passed, hoping to catch a whiff of my purity while offering thousands of dollars for just one night to be inside of me. The dark thoughts sickened me, but I relished in them. Being a virgin gave me power, but I was ready to give it away. Willingly.
I closed my eyes tight, then opened them. The cool air stung, causing water to obstruct my vision. I tucked my feet under my body, hoping to warm my frozen toes.
The sound of the water in the hot tub as the waterfall changed different colors kept my attention. The steam rose from the top, and the heat called my name. A heated Jacuzzi… what a luxury.
I wanted to jump in, to let the warmth relax my muscles and mind. And with that thought, I stood and slipped off my clothes.
Modesty barely existed anymore, especially being in a house full of women. Not that anyone was home, but still. Gone was the shy, timid Jennifer, replaced with a person that made me feel like a stranger to myself. Was that even possible?
One toe after another, I dipped and slid into the rumbling water until my body became a void in its depths. I sighed as I allowed the jets to loosen me. Closing my eyes, I had hopes to control my emotions. To reel them in before they ran wild, to think of nothing, and relax.
What was Luke doing at the moment?
Painting another picture of our intimate evening together, or calling Finnley to request a refund?
I tried to tell myself I was just a night of sex, but I knew it was more than that.
The key to his heart.
The words, the meaning, the tattoo he wore on that sexy lower abdominal because of me. I wondered what the other ink represented, and if any others were for women.
Parched with thirst, I wanted nothing more than a bottle of water, but I didn't want to leave. My eyes felt heavy, and I could have fallen asleep. Relaxation hadn't come in weeks, and neither had I.
I forced myself awake and stared at the sparkling stars in the sky that reminded me of the women's gigantic rings at the parties I attended. Would I be fit to be a bride one day? Isn't that what every woman dreams about? Their fairy tale wedding with a beautiful dress, glass slippers, and the outrageously expensive jewelry to signify their everlasting love and devotion to their husband? No. I couldn't think about marriage. I wasn't marriage material.
Lori told me about a girl who used to work for Finn. She met the man of her dreams while on the job and was fired after the mention of love. Her and Herald ran away to Hawaii together and married immediately. Within two months, she was pregnant with their first child, and they lived happily ever after.
"It could happen, Jennifer," she whispered to me.
I smiled, and then walked away.
I knew it couldn't happen because the person I wanted at the time was unavailable.
Fucking Finnley Felton.
Just the thought of him angered me. I wanted to give my virginity away weeks ago; I wanted him to be the one, but Finnley refused me time after time. I got over him. I forced myself too. I wanted to move on to the client charades and dinners, stupid parties, and fancy clothes.
Without the virgin tag, I would no lon
ger be looked at like I was something pure and innocent, but instead as a sex kitten. The one that currently stayed quietly in her cage.
I wanted out.
I wanted release.
I wanted to be taken.
But Finn.
The way he kissed me so sweetly on the lips that night in bed and how he did little things to make sure I was taken care of. The thought of that side of him took my breath away. Even the way his eyes said sorry the day he was handed the golden envelope with my destiny written inside. Every memory of him, conjured something deep inside that I constantly forced myself to suppress because I had to, because I had signed my rights away, because we were over it.
If I had known being an Elite would be hard, that the man that haunted my dreams really lived, and that I would not be able to love, I would have never done it. Love was such a powerful emotion, and something that I would never fully experience as long as I was Elite.
What had I truly gotten myself into?
"Fucking Finnley," I whispered with my eyes closed.
"You rang?"
My heart palpitated at the sound of his voice, and I wanted to pretend as if he were just a figment of my imagination. But he wasn't. I knew he wasn't. I couldn't turn around and look at him. Lividness filled me.
The water moved and I knew he had dipped himself inside of the hot tub; his toes touched the outside of my leg. When I opened my eyes, he wore that boyish grin on his face and I wanted to slap it off.
"Feisty, little thing, aren't you?"
The amusing tone in his voice angered me even more.
Silent treatment from here on out.
I closed my eyes, sunk deeper into the water, and leaned my head against the edge.
"Jennifer. Honestly. There are a few things that need to be known. Luke…"
I opened my eyes immediately and stared at Finn.
"Luke is really pissed at me, and I don't blame him. He threatened to sue me and come over and take you to his house like a caveman. I laughed at him and told him to try. But really? Who does he think he is? The look on his face when I walked in. Priceless."
"You are such an asshole"
"Oh. So you are talking? Fantastic."
I groaned.
"I thought it was cute that he really thought I would let him go through with taking your virginity. Did he? Did you? Really, Jennifer, you mustn't think I would let that happen?"
I had no words. His voice turned cold, animalistic.
"You are mine. I've told you time and time before. No one will take that away from me. No one, not even my stupid, little brother."
Realization set in.
The eyes. The accent. The way they treated one another.
"Holy fuck. How?
"Oh what? Little Luketon didn't tell you? We have the same mother." Finnley laughed. "Not surprising, really. He's always been so secretive. Always bested me in sports, in painting, even in trivial things like piano lessons and cards, but he never was smarter than me. Never. Some things never change, Jennifer."
The rushing water no longer took me away from my thoughts. Not with Finnley sitting in front of me, bare-chested, with a smile on his face. If I didn't know better, I'd say Finn enjoyed it. Enjoyed being in control of both Luke's destiny and mine.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"It isn't my job to tell you about my family. My job is to be your boss and to offer the best prices and protection for my girls while ensuring my customers experience quality service. I did that. I accomplished it. But sometimes, not often, I decide that the rules are not playing by my own. So I change them. With family involved, it makes it much easier."
"It's not just your family you're playing with. It's my emotions, too. "
"Even more reason to stop it before it happened."
"What about Nancy, Finn? Your serious relationship? Your future fucking wife? I don't want to play these games anymore. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of you. You're driving me crazy."
He didn't answer.
I stood.
The water swooshed over the edges and splashed onto the cement ground. Before I could get my foot over the side, Finnley grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him. I lost my balance and with a splash, he caught me in his arms.
"You can't be mad at me."
Our faces were so close to one another, so incredibly close.
"Let me go."
I struggled to get away, but his firm grasp was ever holding.
"No."
"I don't want to be around you right now."
"I don't care."
"You should. I don't like you very much at the moment."
"I still don't care. I want you to sit with me and enjoy this beautiful night."
"No. Let. Go."
He grabbed my face with his hands and slammed his lips against mine. He sucked on my bottom lip and I tried to force him away, but his kisses were unwavering. My heart raced as he ran his hands through my wet hair, and the wall of anger slowly crumbled, and I began to kiss him back. As much as I wanted to pull away, I was kissing him. Stupid body. With that, all the emotions that I had locked away released. He lifted me on top of him, and I could feel him, long and hard as I straddled his legs. Once I pulled my lips away, I reared my hand back and slapped his face as hard as I could with my wet hand.
"I'm sick of the fucking games," I said.
He moved closer until his nose almost touched mine. With a tilt of his head, he softly brushed his open lips against mine. We didn't kiss, but my breath caught, and so did his. I tried to swallow, but my throat was parched because I was thirsty, but not only for water. Every emotion that I suppressed was stuffed back into the basement of my heart. I was fucking done with him.
I stood from the hot tub and walked naked through the house to the shower. I didn't give a damn if I tracked water over the wood floor.
Finn didn't follow me.
With the shower water turned on hot, I stood underneath until it burned my skin.
I needed to feel alive.
I wanted to scorch the confusion away.
Twenty-five
I stepped from the shower and toweled off my body. My reflection displayed the face of the saddest girl in the world, who continued to go on about her ways with nothing more than a pretty face, slim waist, and a million problems. I wrapped the towel around my head and stalked to my bedroom.
As I sat on the edge of the bed, I wished Lori was home. She had been gone way too long, and I missed the camaraderie that we shared, her good advice, and silly poetic sayings. She understood me, probably the only person in this house that did.
I slipped on a t-shirt and pajama pants, and turned on the TV. I wanted to get lost in stupid zombies who ate out people's hearts. That would make me feel better.
The door clicked, and Finn walked in. I turned the TV up as loud as it would go until it blared the gnarling sounds of ripping tendons, hoping he would get the hint.
But he didn't.
Instead, he jerked the cord from the wall, and stood with his arms crossed.
"Do you love him?"
I stared up at the ceiling and refused to answer. I didn't know the answer to the question. Was it love? I couldn't give a clear answer.
"I need to know, Jennifer. Do you love him?"
"This has become personal, hasn't it?" I glared at him.
"It's always been personal. You'll learn that no matter how hard you try to detach yourself from someone that it doesn't work. I don't care what the fucking contract says about love. I know better. I saw the way you looked at him. Now answer me."
"What about the other fuck's you've had in the last few months. What about Nancy? What do you know about love?"
"I've fulfilled some fetishes and I've made sexual dreams come true. But were those women the type I am content sleeping next to without fucking? Or someone I would bring to meet my family? Tell my secrets to?" He shook his head and continued. "Sometimes you have sex to be purely physical. To forget about that person that
means the world to you. And yeah, I've fucked them, and all of them came crawling back. Gave them the best orgasms of their lives, even made them beg for more on all fours. But did I connect with them emotionally? Did I give two shits about them afterward? No. But can you say the same about your rendezvous with Luke? Love is an emotion that will destroy you if you let. It can ruin your life, or it can create a new one. Don't talk to me about fucking love, Jennifer Downs. The question is yours to answer."
I wanted to run away from his smothering words. I stood to leave, but he pulled me into him. His jaw clenched, waiting for me to answer, waiting for me to tell him how I really felt about Luketon Brand. Did I love Luke?
"No. I don't know what love is."
"When you stare into someone's eyes, and you get a shot of adrenaline that streams through you and sings within your blood, that's love. It's a silly memory of a person that makes you laugh, or a second that you relive in your mind a million times over just so you can experience it again. Love is kisses and touches and all the little things that make your body flood with emotions such as need, want, protectiveness, jealousy, hurt, and anger. It can take your breath away, or smother you at times, and make you feel like you can't go on. Your heart may race a thousand miles per minute, then slow down, and then race again, just with a simple look. Love is deadly and can kill you from the inside out if you let it. It makes you do stupid, ridiculous things, and say senseless sappy words, or listen to silly love songs, jazz, or dance in the streets, or laugh, or smile. Love is a weapon, or a drug, and can drive a person mad. I know what love is, and what it's like to be in love, and I have a feeling you do too."
I swallowed. I did know what being in love was.
My mind tumbled like a satellite lost in space, barrel rolling and spinning, shining only when the sun reflected on it, and then circled around into nothing but darkness.