Jasper proceeded to explain to the kids that their basic job as spies is “to get information that someone else doesn’t want you to have.”
“How do you get that information?” he asked. “Mostly by FORMING RELATIONSHIPS--getting to know the insiders who have that information. Sometimes you can use surveillance technology, too, but it’s the relationships that are often most important.
“Now, what kinds of information will you be trying to learn as spies?”
The kids stared at him.
“Capabilities and intent, that’s what. In other words, as a spy I want to know what you’re able to do to me, and also what you’re PLANNING--or even hoping to do. Spying only exists because governments never trust the information they tell each other directly.”
“What’s the biggest gun you’ve ever carried?” the kids wanted to know.
“Listen, most of spying isn’t really about guns,” said Jasper. “It’s more about people and using your mind. You have to convince people to give you information.”
I could tell a handful of the kids who had watched lots of spy movies were still wondering when we were ever going to get around to shooting some guns.
TEAM CRYPT MEETING PLACE:
I decided to meet with my spy team in one of my favorite spots in the museum: a model of a 1940s movie theater with velvet curtains and rows of velvet chairs. The theater is decorated with colorful vintage posters of spy movies with titles like “International Woman--SHE’S DANGEROUS!” I thought this would be the perfect spot for me to try on my new role as a seasoned Spy Camp counselor and an expert in spy tradecraft.
A MOMENT OF DREAD & REMORSE:
THE BOY I SAW GLARING AT HIS MOTHER IS ON MY SPY TEAM! For some reason, I immediately thought of old Mrs. Weinstock in 8th grade. Remember how she’d get really annoyed when I’d read my Master Psychic’s Handbook while she was trying to teach us a lesson on something like semicolons or gerunds? It’s true that her classes were mind numbingly boring, but I suddenly had some sympathy for her after all this time. Wherever you are, Mrs. Weinstock (probably tuning in to All My Children and already dreading the next school year) I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I seemed rude back in 8th grade!
LESSON #1: “LIVE YOUR COVER”
The kids stared at me, expecting me to say something brilliant. Live your cover, I reminded myself.
“Welcome to Spy Camp,“ I said, ”and welcome to your spy team--Team Crypt.
“Our time together will be brief, but you’re going to learn things that will change your life forever. You’re going to learn to disguise your identity so completely that your own parents won’t recognize you. You’re going to learn that for a spy, things aren’t always what they seem: dog poop lying on the White House lawn or a dead rat carcass in the basement of a government building might be something merely disgusting, but it also might be an ingenious secret container for a very valuable classified message. It’s up to you to find out which is which. You’re going to learn about gadgets and spy tradecraft. You’re going to learn how to make witty conversation at cocktail parties. And you’re going to learn how to tell when someone is lying.
“Someday I’ll share the true details of my life and the spy missions I’ve been involved in, but for now, all you need to know is that my code name is ZELDA. You can call me ‘Case Officer Zelda.’ My legend: I’m a fashion designer and stylist visiting D.C. to promote my latest clothing line and beauty products. My hobbies include karaoke singing and fine dining.
“You should know that most of what I just told you is a lie--the ‘legend,’ or made-up life story I use when I’m working undercover in D.C.
“Now it’s your turn to choose a cover identity and share something about yourselves with the rest of your team.”
SPY RECRUITS IN TEAM CRYPT:
Eddie Rizzoli
CODE NAME: THE COMEDIAN
Eddie is a cute, plump boy with big eyes and an overbite that makes him look as if he has chipmunk teeth. He sneezes a lot but never seems to have a tissue. (Good thing I came prepared, or the whole museum would be covered with boogers.) He’s also prone to falling down. When he introduced himself, he spoke in a very convincing British accent and only revealed a few minutes later that he had never even been to England; he was just pretending.
Hansen Stubbing
CODE NAME: THE MISANTHROPE
Hansen (“The Misanthrope”) is that pale boy who seemed weirdly angry at his mom when she dropped him off.
Hobbies: picking locks and making homemade alarms so he knows when his parents are coming into his room. (Good old traditional American pastimes!)
Likes: books and movies about spies
Dislikes: talking and people (“especially people at my school”)
Camp counselor note for recruit’s file:
Keep an eye on this kid. My guess is that he’s used to being the “bad kid” and that he’s been picked on in the past. To save time and maybe to protect himself from getting hurt, he decides he’s not going to like anybody he meets from the outset. I’m just a little worried that he wants to be a spy as a way of getting revenge on people he doesn’t like.
Willow Merman
CODE NAME: STARGIRL
Willow (“Stargirl”) wears a hat she knitted herself with green yarn, long pigtails in corkscrew curls, horn-rim glasses, and an oversize T-shirt that says GREEN in sparkly letters. She’s home-schooled and she keeps talking about how everything at her house is powered by solar energy.
She seems very smart, but she also has some zany, giggly tendencies. (No, I don’t know anyone else who has those tendencies.)
Sonya Vitchenko
CODE NAME: AGENT MOSCOW
Sonya (“Agent Moscow”) has butter-yellow hair that has the stiff, sticky texture of cotton candy. (The black roots are growing out and it looks like she dyed it herself.) Unlike the other kids, she actually dressed up for Spy Camp--but not in a disguise: she wore high-heeled sandals with jeans, a sparkly top and painstakingly applied makeup (including liquid eyeliner, which you and I both know is VERY difficult to apply correctly).
Interesting: Agent Moscow attends an elite boarding school in Virginia. Her parents (who are apparently very wealthy and whom she calls “oli- garchs,” whatever that means) live in Moscow! She had the choice of getting an education here or in Europe and she chose the U.S.
She’s in 8th grade now (although she acts like she’s about 20) and she’s been on her own here in the U.S. for the past three years. She’s bilingual and speaks English with a Russian accent.
NOTE FOR AGENT FILE:
Agent Moscow has a great background for a young spy recruit if I’ve ever heard one! (Unless, of course, Agent Moscow is already a spy. Keep an eye on this one just in case.)
Demetrius Young
CODE NAME: JAMES BOND
Demetrius (“James Bond”) is African American and a social butterfly who knows how to act cute and flatter grown-ups. (That’s right; I’m considered a grown-up at Spy Camp.)
“I like your jacket,” he tells me. “You’re the only counselor here who looks like a real spy.” I explain to him that it’s not such a great thing to “look like a spy” since spies often get more information when they blend in with the crowd.
“Still,” he said, “it’s cooler to look like a spy.”
He received a gold star for the day in his agent file.
Dewey Decker
CODE NAME: SPIDERMAN
DOUBLE-SECRET CODE NAME: “BABY BOY”
Dewey (“Baby Boy”) is six years old--by far the youngest kid on my team. He’s obviously in awe of the other kids, but they tend to ignore him completely.
He’s very cute, but sometimes I wonder if he really understands what we’re doing here.
Note for recruit’s file from camp counselor:
Make sure Baby Boy doesn’t get lost in the city during activities. Scheduled bathroom breaks are a good idea.
LESSON #2--THE ART OF DISGUISE
ME (addressing my spy recruits): Imagine this: You’re in a hostile environment and your cover has been blown. You need to get out of this situation quickly, without being detected. You’ll need a fake passport, and you’ll also need to disguise your appearance. Get ready, because your first lesson is the art of disguise.
KIDS: COOL!
THE COMEDIAN: I want to be a ninja!
BABY BOY: I want to be Darth Vader!
ME: Hold on, there! What’s the difference between a costume and a disguise? You wear a costume, but you BECOME your disguise. The way you walk, the way you talk, the story of your life--everything changes with a disguise.
The kids grab wigs, hats, and sunglasses from a big trunk. The Comedian disguises himself as a character he called “the Russian belly dancer.” He uses three fake mustaches: one for a unibrow, one for his upper lip, and one to create a strange, two-tailed beard. He pulls on black boots, a fur hat, and a scarf and dances around the room. A few minutes later he complains that “the mustaches are making me dizzy and disoriented.” Then he sneezes and wipes his nose on a wig.
James Bond disguises himself as a character called “Body Hair Man.” He uses spirit gum to incorporate nose, ear, and chest hair into his disguise along with a little mustache.
The Misanthrope disguises himself as a woman and Agent Moscow disguises herself as a man. The Misanthrope looks almost pretty as a woman with long auburn hair. Agent Moscow, on the other hand, just looks like a bearded lady from some old-fashioned sideshow.
Stargirl disguises herself as a “goth girl” with tattoos, black lipstick and nail polish, and a jet-black wig.
Baby Boy is scared of the wigs and the fake facial and body hair, so his disguise is limited to sunglasses, a cowboy hat, and a scarf.
Interesting Observation: The entire group seemed happier and friendlier once they’re in disguise, no matter what they wear. They feel free and also safe: suddenly they’re becoming friends and laughing. Even The Misanthrope starts talking and helping people try on fake noses. (See? I’m not the only person who likes to pretend I’m someone else!)
AN UNFORTUNATE MISHAP: Now liberated by their disguised identities, the kids (particularly the boys) become giddy. They start a game they called “wigball” using water bottles for bats and an assortment of wigs and fake noses for baseballs. While running to catch a wig that’s sailing through the air, The Comedian crashes into a disguise makeup table, knocking everything to the ground including several open containers of spirit gum. Now spirit gum and fake hair are everywhere. Our team spends the next 30 minutes applying baby oil to hair-covered objects. Agent file folders are now permanently coated in various shades of hair, which delights my recruits.
April Shepherd pulls me aside and asks if I need help “keeping my recruits under control.” I tell her the whole thing was just an “icebreaker exercise.”
“I’m all for breaking the ice,” she said. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea when we have body hair and glue all over the place.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I tell her. “Body hair and glue detract from the learning environment.”
“It looked like they were having fun, though,” April added. “They seem to like you.”
ASSESSMENT OF MY FIRST DAY AS SPY CAMP COUNSELOR-- Covered in fake hair and glue, but an overall success!
16
The Profiler
Gilda stuffed several letters to Wendy into three fat envelopes, addressed and stamped them, then dialed her mother’s cell phone number, thinking she should probably check in on developments in Ferndale. Between Spy Camp and her discovery of the dead-drop site in the cemetery, she hadn’t thought much about calling home, and it suddenly occurred to her that she hadn’t heard from her mother.
“Gilda! Hello!”
Her mother’s voice sounded more jolly than usual, which made Gilda suspicious.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m actually at work right now; I’ve been taking on a couple extra shifts, trying to save up some money for Stephen’s college applications.”
“Can’t he just go to community college and keep mowing lawns part time?”
“He may have to if I don’t get more money saved up here. But the good news is that his instructors at math camp think he could qualify for a scholarship to University of Michigan.”
“That’s great.” Gilda knew that her older brother would go to some great university and that he would find some way to pay for it. It practically went without saying because Stephen had been working hard all through school with a single-minded determination. Gilda was proud of him, but sometimes she envied his sense of clear, practical purpose—the way he knew exactly what he wanted to study and how to make that happen. Next to Stephen, her own aspirations sometimes seemed outlandish, unlikely, and hard to explain.
Gilda heard someone giggling in the background. Her mother covered the mouthpiece of the phone. “Are you sure?” she whispered. “Oh—I don’t know. Oh, you’re too much!”
“Aren’t you supposed to be taking care of patients? It sounds like you’re having a cocktail party over there.”
“It’s surprisingly slow on our shift right now, so my friend Lucy here is helping me with something.” Gilda’s mother covered the mouthpiece of the phone again and giggled. “That looks good.”
“What are you doing?”
Gilda wished, as she often did, that she had surveillance equipment hooked up so she could simply push a button and see exactly what was going on. Why was her mother distracted and giggling like a teenager? Why wasn’t she asking what Gilda was doing in Washington, D.C.?
“Your mother is a hottie,” she heard a man in the background say.
“I beg your pardon!” Gilda practically shouted into the phone. “I demand to know what is going on over there!”
“Calm down, Gilda.”
This only made Gilda feel more annoyed. Whenever her mother said “Calm down, Gilda,” it only made her more certain there was good reason to feel agitated.
“I’m sorry; you caught me at an awkward time. My friends here—” Mrs. Joyce broke into another fit of nervous laughter. “If you can believe it, my friends here have taken it upon themselves to write an online dating profile for me.”
“An online dating profile? Like those classified ads that say ‘Women seeking men’?” Gilda’s Grandma Joyce sometimes read classified personal ads from the newspaper over her coffee and chortled at them with obvious contempt. Did people like her mother do that sort of thing? Wasn’t her mother too old? Gilda didn’t like the sound of this. Although she had managed to tolerate her mother’s last ill-fated boyfriend, Brad, she had far preferred the past few months when her mother had had no dates at all and had spent her evenings taking up knitting and occasionally going bowling with some friends from work. Who knew what kind of loonies an “online dating profile” might bring into the house?
“Well—it’s just a way to meet people, that’s all. My friends think it might be a way to find someone I have something in common with.”
“Grandma Joyce always says there are crazies out there on the dating scene.”
“Yes—we’ve all heard Grandma Joyce say that many times. But just because she’s too scared to try dating doesn’t mean the rest of us have to spend the rest of our lives without finding someone.”
What in the world was her mother talking about? The idea of Grandma Joyce “trying dating” was preposterous. And was that applause she was hearing among her mother’s coworkers in the background? Did someone actually say, “You go, girl”?
“Mom, is this conversation taking place in front of a live studio audience or what?!”
“Sorry—sometimes people around here get a little carried away. Lucy—excuse me, hon, I just need to talk to my daughter for a second.” Mrs. Joyce moved into the hallway, away from her friends.
“I’m sorry, Gilda. I shouldn’t have told you about that; you don’t have to worry, okay?”
“Who says I’m wor
ried?”
“You sound upset.”
“I’m fine. Just on my own here in a big city—all by myself in a huge apartment building surrounded by strangers. I was thinking of doing an online dating profile for myself, actually. Great way to meet people here in the nation’s capital, don’t you think?”
“Don’t you dare.”
“See how you are?”
“Gilda, I am in my forties. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Well, why don’t you worry about me?” The question popped out, surprising Gilda. As soon as she blurted it, she realized that it was true: it did bother her that her mother hadn’t been calling since she arrived in D.C. She didn’t want her mother to hover over her or thwart her adventures. On the other hand, how could her mother think about online dating profiles when her daughter was in a big city all by herself for the first time?
“Gilda, I do worry about you. I’ve been thinking about you all the time since you left.”
“Could have fooled me. I call, and you’re giggling about dating elderly men.”
“Now that isn’t fair. You know you don’t like it when I nag you or check up on you too much. In fact, when I didn’t hear from you right away, I called the Spy Museum to make sure you got to work okay. I spoke with a lovely woman, April Shepherd.”
Gilda felt a little embarrassed to think her mother called her boss at work. “Did she say anything about me?”
“She asked if I shared your fashion sense.”
“Definitely not.”
“I told her, ‘Gilda has her own style.’” Mrs. Joyce sighed. “The truth is, Gilda, it hit me hard when you left on this trip and Stephen drove down to Ann Arbor to start going to his math day camp. The house was so empty. . . . It made me think about how it’s going to be when Stephen’s away at college the year after next.”
The Dead Drop Page 9