“I should go.”
“No.” I stretched the door open so fast I slammed my toe. “Fuck! Oh my God.” I fell to the tile floor and grabbed for my foot.
“I prefer when you say that during sex.”
“Smart-ass.” I looked up at him as he bent down to examine my foot.
“I’m not kissing it. My timing sucks. Right now you need to focus on Colin and I’m not part of your life. At least not your real life.”
“It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. You’re a lot like Colin.”
“Is that why you treat me like a child?”
“You’re both going to leave me.”
“And we both don’t want to.” His hand found my face and turned it up so I could look in those beautiful blue pools. He scooped me up and placed me on the bed, then finally pulled off his T-shirt. There was a knock on the door and I jumped, but he just smiled and kissed the corner of my mouth. “I noticed you hadn’t ordered so I did. Don’t argue with me. I do know your looks.”
I got to see that nice view of him walking to the door. His back strong and tattooed with his pants hanging on his hips. Sitting in his T-shirt, I rolled on to my stomach and watched as he carried the tray to the table. He looked over his shoulder and smiled.
“In bed?”
“I’ve been trying to get you there for a while now.”
“You only mentioned recently.”
“That’s true…but would you mind? Eating in bed can always be fun.”
“Should I bring the food?”
“For the first course.”
“Look at you being all nasty. Well, I got you a side salad, a chicken breast, and some steamed rice.”
“And you get?”
“Steamed asparagus, mashed potatoes and a steak.”
“If you don’t give me the real food I’m going to kick your ass.”
“How was I to know?” he joked, then pulled two identical meals out. “I told you that you were a woman.”
His phone made me jump. “Sorry, I have to take this.”
He walked to the corner and answered while I ate my asparagus.
“Schmitt…I’m busy…Dilana will…what? Kiriana, calm down. Calm down. It’s one night—he’ll let you go out tomorrow, I’m sure. No…KK, don’t do that, you’ll regret it later. Just go to your room or hang out in the garden, but take it…I wasn’t going to say easy…I was going to say you should take it like a man."
“Okay, I was going to say easy, but, KK, you are in a…” Jimmy rocked on his heels. I could hear the screaming on the other end of the phone. Couldn’t make out the words though. Jimmy just winked at me. “I’ll be at group tomorrow and…I can’t be there for you today. Forgive him. Beat him. Swear at him, but I can’t be there for you today.”
After his phone snapped shut, he turned to me and smiled like nothing had happened. “Where were we?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Minor meltdown from my partner.”
“Is she going to be safe tonight without you?”
“Oh that.” He tossed his phone in his boots. “It wasn’t about me not being there.”
“It sounded like it.”
He cut a piece of steak then twirled the fork a few times. “Open,” he ordered while holding the meat by my lips. I obliged and he slid the warm salty meat in. I chewed slowly while keeping my eyes locked on him. “That wasn’t about me.”
Covering my mouth, I raised my eyebrow and said, “Don’t lie to me. I can’t handle it right now.”
“She’s been grounded,” he explained as I cut him a piece of meat. Returning the favor of feeding me he replied, “Thank you. Her oth—husband won’t let her go to work. But it’s not because I’m not there. She’s pregnant and we’re not sure how to deal with that.”
“It’s not like you’re in a battle zone,” I said, focusing back on my food.
His eyes seemed to check out on me.
“And what do you do so late at night?”
“It varies.”
“How can her husband stop her from working? Won’t she be AWOL or something?”
“He’s our commanding officer; he can pretty much do what he wants.”
“He must trust you then if he assigned his wife to you.”
Jimmy raised an eyebrow and I noticed those bruises on his face that had been only slightly faded in the hospital were now almost gone. Hadn’t he said his partner’s husband had given them to him? Strange.
“Or not,” I said as I stroked under his right cheekbone with my thumb. “How long ago did this happen? He couldn’t still be too mad, these are almost faded.”
“I’m a fast healer. Now you need to heal. How about a massage and you can go to sleep? I’ll be up and wake you if your phone rings.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I work nights. I’m usually up till at least four.”
I finished eating as I sat in between Jimmy’s legs and he rubbed my neck and shoulders until I passed out in his arms.
I’d have stayed that way, but someone was tickling my toes. I woke to Jimmy holding tight to my stomach with his face buried in my hair. I would have never taken him for a cuddler. But with him behind me it couldn’t be him tickling my feet. I raised my head slightly and saw Colin.
“Mommy, can I snuggle with you and Daddy?”
I turned my head to make sure Jimmy was behind me. Even asleep he lifted his head enough to kiss my cheek before he held my body tighter to his.
“That’s not daddy, Colin. He’s mommy’s friend, Jimmy.”
“No, he’s my daddy,” he stated plainly, then crawled up the bed and curled against my stomach. “He loves me like a daddy so he’s my daddy.”
“Oh, sweetie…” I smiled and started to play with his hair as he yawned.
“He likes to kiss you, doesn’t he?”
“Um…” I got nervous. “How long have you been here?”
“Not long, but when you were sleeping he kept kissing you.”
“Why aren’t you in the hospital?”
“I’m tired of bein’ there. I don’t want to be there anymore.”
“Colin, you need to be there. They’re going to make you better.”
“No more, Momma. I’m ready to be done. You have Daddy so you won’t be alone.”
I never thought something Colin said would chill me so much. “I’m not alone, I have you,” I pleaded as needles went up my back from the fear of losing him. I wasn’t prepared. The classes, the therapy, all of it was for nothing.
“No, Momma. It’s time for me to go. I love you, mommy.”
“No.” I started to wake up more and be more firm in my commands to Colin. “Colin, you are staying with me.”
“Momma, I hurt. I’m tired of hurt. Please let me go. You have Daddy. He’ll take care of you like I did.”
“Colin…” His eyes were closing and he started fading right before me. I kept reaching for him, but he became like a ghost and I could no longer hold tight to him. “Colin. Colin.”
I screamed as I sat straight up. I woke up pulling back the covers and running across the room.
“Trish?” A sleepy Jimmy came to life. “Trish, what’s wrong?”
“Colin. He’s…” I couldn’t explain how I knew he was dying. The last time he came to me in a dream his heart had stopped and I had to do CPR. “I have to get to the hospital.”
“Okay. Okay. Trish, it’s going to be okay.” Jimmy held me tight, but I couldn’t feel comforted. Not this time.
“He told me goodbye. He can’t die, Jimmy. He can’t.”
Jimmy released me and moved as fast as I was to get dressed. It was his boots that were holding him up. I grabbed his keys and took off for the elevator.
“Trish.” Jimmy called as he rushed down the hall with his boots still unlaced. “Trish.” He grabbed me and his keys. “I’ll get you there. Nothing has changed with Colin. Your phone
hasn’t rang all night.”
I nodded, but wasn’t convinced. “What time is it?” I asked, flipping my phone on so I could see the time. “Labs will be back any minute. They’re not going to be good.”
“Hey, you don’t know that. Didn’t the doctor tell you they were going to up the antibiotics?” I nodded, but kept pushing the button for the stupid elevator. “So we’ll see what happened and go from there. Whatever happens I’ll be there for you.”
“I’m not ready.”
Jimmy helped me into the elevator with his arm around my waist. “You’ll never be ready. You won’t be ready for the transplant, you won’t be ready for recovery, and you won’t be ready for any part of it.”
“Jimmy…”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you for last night.”
“That was nothing. The room will be here as long as you need it.”
The elevator dinged and the doors opened to the bustling lobby. Everyone was grabbing their breakfast and getting ready for whatever their day would hold.
“That’s not necessary.”
“Yes, it is. I probably won’t be able to be with you every night but I’ll be here as much as I can.”
His hand intertwined with mine as we made our way to his car. Driving to the hospital and even walking to Colin’s room was in slow motion. The eyes of the staff were consoling. They knew. I knew. But I couldn’t. I froze at the door to the ward. The nurse’s station was in view. Would crossing ten feet of linoleum flooring end my son’s life? Were they just keeping him alive until I returned?
My chest burned and my knees buckled. Jimmy caught me at my waist and I crumpled against his body.
“I can’t.”
“You don’t have to,” he replied. “Let’s go sit by the windows so you can gather yourself.”
“If I go in there he’s gone.”
My eyes locked on the room in the corner with the curtains drawn back. I could see Colin’s little body on the bed. Sleeping, yet not peaceful. Jimmy guided me to the chairs by the windows. A small couch was there so we could sit side by side. Like last night Jimmy didn’t fully take me away, he just held me. I crawled on his lap and was engulfed in his arms that today seemed so large.
His hand ran over my hair, petting and calming me more. Preparing me for the day I knew would come, but suddenly couldn’t face.
“You ever…lost someone close to you?”
“Yes,” he said softly as he kissed the crown of my head.
“Do you get over it?”
“No.”
“Does it get easier?”
“No…maybe. I know I’m supposed to tell you each day the ache will be less. For you it might be. You fought. You did more than I ever did. I ran like a child. You’re going to be here for Colin. You’ll be able to hold his hand and say goodbye. I wasn’t strong enough to do that.”
“I don’t know if I am.”
“I do. You’ve fought. You didn’t give up. Neither did he.”
I pulled back and Jimmy wiped my tears with his thumb.
“Right now you need to go in there. What if he’s turned around? You’re assuming the worst.”
“I saw their faces. I talked to—I have to let him go.”
“Then don’t let him go alone.”
Chapter 10
PFC James Schmitt
WATCHING the ventilator going up and down with Colin’s chest I couldn’t help but think this was not the way it was supposed to be.
“You planning on skipping another hunt?” Gabriel arrived and stood in a shadow in the corner.
“Why are you around so much? Seriously? It’s like every time I turn around you’ve shown up.”
“You’re in the popular house. Closing’s coming soon. Have you seen anything?”
“No. Not yet.” No reason to tell him I spoke to one of Lucifer’s kids.
“Why are you here, James?”
“He’s a friend of a friend,” I replied, pointing to Colin. “Why does he have to die?”
Gabriel gave Colin a quick glance. “His body can’t hold his soul anymore. Apparently, it was never a good fit.”
“He’s just a child.”
“In this world, maybe. He’s been around for probably three, maybe four hundred years. Give or take.”
“That will be really comforting to the woman who’s in the hall and only knew him for three,” I grumbled, trying to not lose my temper.
“It’s the way of the universe.”
“Fuck the universe.”
“You’ve been hanging around your partner too long.”
“Why can’t he live?” I didn’t need the lecture.
“He can’t. Even if I wanted to save him, a Collector has already arrived. Colin did not take his own life so he has nothing to atone for. Schmitty, even if he had, I don’t deal with children.”
“You pulled Dilana.”
“Back then Dilana was an adult by all accepted human standards. She was married with children of her own.”
“What if I gave years at the end of my sentence? A year for each he was allowed to live.”
Gabriel sighed and ran his fingers through Colin’s soft brown hair.
“That wouldn’t change his life. His heart is about to give out and his disease would continue to rack his body. Let him go. His mother’s accepted—”
“She’s accepted shit. No real parent wants their child to die before them.”
“Sarah didn’t know what she was doing?”
“I don’t care about Sarah! I care about Trish and Colin.”
“What, you want to marry her and be the step daddy you never had?”
“Again, fuck you.” I swallowed and tried speaking a little softer. “I made a legitimate offer.”
“And again, it’s out of my control.”
“Well, I guess you aren’t so mighty and powerful.”
“What is it with you Frozen when you fall in love? You get obstinate and disrespectful.”
“Who said I’m in love?”
“You’re the only Frozen that I haven’t given additional years to. The good little soldier following orders. But today here and now you’ve skipped a hunt and are talking back like I’m some guy at the bar, not your commander.”
“Gabriel, he is three years old. He shouldn’t be fighting for his life. He should be fighting with his mom about brushing his teeth and going to bed.”
“He doesn’t seem the type,” Gabriel said flippantly. “Look, I agree, but this child has come to the end of his life. Look through that door at his mother.”
I turned my head and saw Trish nodding and crying, her eyes red and swollen. The doctor and a counselor held her hands. No longer did she have the beauty I saw in the middle of the night when she was relaxed. Her skin not flushed with the pain of loss. Her hair flowing down the pillow instead of being pulled up into a makeshift bun. How does one take away the pain of losing a child? This wasn’t something I could fix.
Colin’s fight was over. He wasn’t getting better. In a few minutes, they were going to turn off his ventilator and that would be the end.
“Don’t we have some herb or concoction at home?” I asked silently, almost as if in prayer. Gabriel came to my side and placed his hand upon my shoulder.
“No, James.” I saw a man cloaked in a gold tunic standing behind the doctor. “Samir will be gentle and kind with him. All children love him.”
“It’s not fair. Isn’t anything ever fair?”
“You really are a child still. Bring her peace, James, that is your gift. It has always been that way. You bring peace to those around you.”
Samir entered the room, ghosting through the closed glass doors. His tanned shaved head glistened from the florescent lights. He acknowledged Gabriel with a strange look, then realized I saw him too.
“One of yours, Gabriel?” He nodded his head toward me. His voice was melodic and comforting.
“O
ne of my best,” Gabriel responded and Samir placed his hand on Colin’s.
“Is he going to be an issue?”
“No,” Gabriel assured. “He knows about the balance and the need for this child to pass.”
I ground my teeth to keep from attacking Samir. Nothing changed on Colin’s monitors even when I saw him separate from his body. He looked up at me and smiled.
“Hi, Daddy,” he said softly.
Gabriel’s lips came together and he looked down.
“Colin, I’m sorry, but I’m not your daddy.”
“You love Momma, that makes you my daddy.” Still holding Samir’s hand he walked to me and I knelt to look him in the eye. “I can’t take care of her anymore. It’s your job.”
A tear escaped and warmed my skin as it flowed down my cheek. How could I take care of Trish? I took care of myself. I didn’t have time, energy, or patience for anyone else. The bit of love I had for Trish was just that…a bit. With love came loss and I’d already proven I couldn’t handle loss.
Pulling Colin into my arms I prayed for the ability to let this child I never knew, go. How could I do that? He was just a baby. My mind flashed to the child in Korea, then to Sarah and the child in the car. Dead children piled up in my mind. My mind flipped through memories as I tried to hold on tighter to Colin as both he and Samir disappeared from the room.
The machine’s still beeped. Now abandoned by the soul Colin’s chest still rose and dropped with assistance from the ventilator. He was gone; only the shell of his body remained.
“He could have waited for Trish to say goodbye.”
“They spoke this morning.”
“What?” I said as I turned to him. “How did they talk this morning?”
“I told you Colin’s soul didn’t fit in his body right. He tends to wander.”
“That’s why she freaked out this morning?”
“Probably. I must go so they don’t think you’ve lost your mind.”
Gabriel disappeared as Trish and the doctors came in the room. Her arms wrapped around my waist as she cried into my chest. Petting her hair I tried to comfort her only to have the sobs become hard and painful from her. With a light kiss to the crown of her head I joined her in tears.
“I’m so sorry, Trish.”
“I don’t know if I can let him go.”
Redemption of Blood Page 13