“Blade! You shouldn’t have come.” I hurried towards him in panic mode.
“I’m sorry, Kira. I know I lied to you, I was dishonest from the very beginning. I broke your heart, and I hurt your feelings. Can you forgive me?” He rushed out the words.
I could tell from Blade’s voice that he had a lot of things to say to me, but this was not the place or the time for this type of conversation. I just wanted him to leave. I didn’t want to raise any brows at the office—already Edel was suspicious. My friend could read me like a book, and that was not a good thing. I didn’t want anyone to know about my relationship with Blade.
“I forgive you, just leave!” I snapped at him.
“Kira,” he drawled my name and reached for my hands.
I wanted to resist him but complied and let him grasp my hands so I wouldn’t draw any attention to us.
“I know you’re still mad at me, but I can’t do without you. I have never connected to another woman the way I connected to you. Please give me another chance, just one chance, and if I mess up, you’re free to let me go, I promise.” He was begging, he was pleading, but what happened to the favorite saying: once bitten, twice shy?
Blade had beaten my heart with his lies a lot of times, he’d tricked me into trusting him, he’d tempted me to him with his deceitful, kissable mouth.
As I looked at him right now, I knew I still felt something for him. A part of me would always love Blade, though it was difficult to admit, but what was love without dignity?
I loved him! Yes, I really did, but I also had respect for myself. I wasn’t the kind of woman who foolishly lost herself in love, who let a man lie to her time and time again without calling it quits and moving on. I had no time for drama, and everything about Blade was related to that.
Images of our wild partying and his heady drinking pierced my mind. If I were not a very disciplined person, he would have lured me into his life of instability. Blade had all the money, the fame, the power, but there was a hollow place deep down in his soul that needed to be filled up. I had no patience to tolerate his behaviors and I would tell him just that.
“First, I am not going to ask how you knew my workplace. I guess you know what I do for a living now.” I paused as he cut in.
“Starburst gave me a hint, and I hired a private investigator. You mean so much to me, Kira, and I am also sorry about the things I said about journalists. I was mistaken to judge the whole by other’s greed.”
I released the breath I had been holding. “So you thought by going out of your way, which is spying on me—or should I call it stalking? Did you think I would be thrilled by your visit? I am not a schoolgirl, Blade, and things like this don’t excite me. I know what I want: I want loyalty, trust, commitment, and you don’t have any of those things.”
He almost took off his shades but stopped as he remembered who he was and where he was.
“I am clean, Kira. It took a lot of hard work, but I decided to go to outpatient rehab, and I even see a psychologist twice in a week. I realized my problem was rooted in some traumatic childhood experience and I am willing to fix that. I am willing to work on myself. Just be patient with me, because this road is not easy, but I am fighting to overcome my shortcomings. I’m willing to fight for you, Kira. My love for you is as real as it gets, baby.”
I scoffed. He had said almost the same thing the first time I’d threatened to break up with him.
“Listen up, Blade, I know you are working hard to define yourself, but don’t do it because of me. It’s not that I don’t care about your traumatic childhood. A lot of people suffered some pain while growing up, but they didn’t let it get to them, they fought that pain, buried the demons of the past, and triumphed. You’re making excuses all over again.” I was not pleased with his reasoning.
He fell quiet as if thinking about the next thing to say.
“What do you want from me, Kira? I just want to know.”
Gladly, I was ready with my answer. “I want you to stay the hell away from me and don’t ever come back here.” I pointed at the Daybreak building.
He flinched at my harshness; he had never seen me this way. I didn’t mean to be rude but I needed Blade to know his place in my life. I needed him to know that I was over him and I was no longer interested in getting back together with him because he needed to learn he needed to be clean for himself.
“If that’s what you want, I’ll respect it.” He seemed puzzled but managed to make me melt inside from the way his eyes pinned me to the spot.
I had to give myself a mental shake to make myself jump into action. “Thanks, Blade, for respecting my wishes. I need to get back to work now.” I gave him one last teary-eyed glance and spun on my heel, still feeling his eyes on my back.
I felt sad that we had not ended on a good note. I still loved Blade, but he was not the kind of man for me. I didn’t believe he loved me the same way I loved him. I was still hurting and I wanted him to keep his distance.
My eyes grew wide with astonishment as I met Edel at the entrance. It seemed she had been watching me the whole time. Shit! This was not good.
“Who was that? He looked handsome and sexy.” She winked.
“Um, just someone I met in the library,” I blurted out the fib. Damn, I was no better than Blade, I mused to myself.
I didn’t like the way Edel was staring at me. She asked, “You go to the library a lot?”
I quickly affirmed with a nod. “Don’t you think that’s possible?”
Edel chuckled. “Relax, baby girl, not doubting you. It just that the guy doesn’t appear to be a library kind of guy.”
My heart stopped the minute she’d said that. I hoped she hadn’t recognized Blade.
“Think whatever. Now you have to help me move my things out of the office.” I was yet to tell her and Tom that Penny had demoted me until I brought in a huge story.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Edel asked.
“Exactly what you’re thinking. Ms. Horn-Rimmed Glasses demoted me, but I can’t blame her. I should step up my game, she’s really kind. Other bosses would have let me go ASAP.” I was grateful that Penny was yet to consider that option.
“You believe that? Penny would never let someone like you go. I know you didn’t fetch her a huge story, but you’re one hell of a writer, darling.” Edel moved closer to me and pulled me into her arms for a comforting hug.
“Thanks, I feel better.” I smiled.
I loved my friend Edel. She always knew what to say or do to make me feel better, but I just couldn’t let her in on my relationship with Blade. That would be my secret until the end of time.
The moment we stepped into the building, I noticed that all workers, writers, editors, and heads of departments were gathered in a circle with Penny in the middle.
What now? I wondered.
What was this big meeting about?
“As you all know, the Journal has not been making a lot of revenue for some years now. We’re still researching the cause of this downfall. For that reason, if big stories don’t come out frequently, I have been left with no choice but to drop some people.” Her steely eyes searched the crowd, then lingered on me.
What was Penny up to? Was she sending me a message?
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
BLADE
I cried for the sake of a woman for the first time in my life. This was my entire fault. I’d ruined what we had. I tore her heart into pieces with my own hands—no one else was to blame but me.
‘I want you to stay the hell away from me and don’t ever come back here.’
The sound of her voice and her bitter words re-echoed in my brain. No matter what I tried to do to break free from her spell, no matter what I did to get the memory of Kira out of my mind, I failed.
Thoughts of her fueled my bones. Looking at her pictures online, as I was doing now, gave me hope that one day she may reconsider, but after her cold reception of me at her workplace, I had a feeling it was all over.
I knew I had a problem. Drugs and alcohol had always been a problem since my teenage days. My mother had dumped me and my father for some other man whom she now had kids with. That left a wound inside me, one that I carried from a tender age.
Though I was drop-dead handsome, I lacked confidence in myself. I battled, had low self-esteem, and buried my pain in drugs. Taking the Trash Monkeys this far was a miracle, but I had to fight hard to let the drugs and alcohol go for good.
They’d done nothing but take away my happiness. Now Kira was gone, and I was left alone. If I didn’t stand up to the fight, sooner or later I’d start losing friendships, and eventually the Trash Monkeys would go down the drain. This was because whenever I got high, I found no motivation to do a new song or write my lyrics.
“You still on that, mate?” Starburst sauntered into my hotel room with two cups.
We were on tour in Ohio, but I had sneaked out just to see her face, just to make sure she was doing fine.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the picture of Kira on my computer screen. ‘It didn’t work out, she pushed me away,” I answered him.
Though the Trash Monkeys was a network of childhood friends, I was closest to the drummer, Starburst. He seemed to understand my personality. He never judged my mistakes and he knew about my relationship with Kira because I had opened up to him when she had ended things. Starburst was the one who’d told me about her job. Hearing the news from someone else made me feel worse because I’d never truly pressed her about what she did for a living. I was too damn caught up with getting high.
I was a total jackass! I never cared to know her genuinely. I don’t know what she does for a living, the name of her family, friends, and so much more. I had been obsessed with myself. I saw why she never wanted us to get back.
“So, you plan on letting Kira go?” Starburst dropped a cup next to my computer. It was a dark Columbian brew. Starburst knew I was seeing a therapist and was an outpatient at rehab. He understood what I was going through.
“I don’t know, dude, I just feel horrible. You needed to see Kira’s eyes; she was not even thrilled to see me. I guess she has moved on.” I brought the drink to my lips and sipped from the ceramic cup.
“If she really meant something to you, then you’re not supposed to give up so easily. Remember you hurt her a great deal? You don’t expect her to just jump up excitedly at the sight of you like these fans who swarm all over you. Healing is a process, it’s a journey, not a destination, and you need to give her time to heal. I’m sure Kira is still hurting, though she may look tough. I really like that girl. She’s a keeper,” he advised.
His words made sense. I regretted paying her a visit at the office now. I shouldn’t have gone, but I’d had to. I missed her.
“So what should I do? I can’t just let her go. What if she finds a better guy?” My heart raced. I imagined her in the arms of another man. Jealousy pricked me like the thorns of a rose. I just couldn’t lose her to another man.
“Come off your high horse, give her time, and come up with a big plan.” Starburst patted my shoulder and strolled out of my hotel room before I could say anything else.
I drew a deep breath and closed my eyes. Yes, I needed to give Kira some time, but that didn’t mean I would let her go. My eyes flew open and my laptop beeped. I peered closer and realized she had just uploaded a picture of herself on social media.
Her eyes were sad; they had a forlorn look in them. Her nose held a proud stance, and it was adorable. She had adorned her lips with a deep shade of red. It was the caption of the photo that broke my heart.
“The things we do to others, the things we were meant to love now lay broken, the things we were meant to adore lay forgotten. How do we get away from passion and desire? He will never know that my love for him was more. That I will always love him deep in my heart’s core are not just words but a promise even if we can never be again.”
“Kira,” I whispered her name with tears in my eyes. Those words were lyrics from one of our songs, Broken. She was still hurting, recuperating from the pain of my lies and deceit.
I had a strong urge to heart her picture, to drop a comment, but I held myself back. I’d broken this fragile heart, and it was my duty to mend it.
“I’ll always love you.” I kissed the image before me. I was determined to mend her broken heart, I was determined to see her healed again. I reached into my pocket and took out my phone. I needed something to work with.
I dialed the private investigator’s number. I hoped she would pick up because I really needed her help now more than ever.
Essie picked on the first ring.
“Hey, Essie, I need your help.”
Starburst had introduced her to me. She could be trusted as she worked mostly for celebrities.
“And good evening to you, my favorite rock star.”
“I need your help, I want you to find more on Kira and the Daybreak Journal. I just need something to work with.”
“Hmm, what exactly? I need specifics,” she replied.
I didn’t know what I wanted. “Just focus on the Journal,” I said dryly.
“Okay, give me five days, a week tops. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.” I broke the connection and took the cup and emptied the last contents into my mouth. I had a feeling Kira and I would have a happy ending.
I was ready to surprise her, to make her the queen of my world. She would not be seeing this one coming.
***
KIRA
I grabbed the carton of ice cream from the freezer and turned on my television. I had just finished crying after listening to the Trash Monkey’s album. I don’t know what lured me to it; I guessed I missed Blade.
I couldn’t shake the thought of him paying me a visit at my workplace out of my mind. Had he really missed me that much? Were his words genuine, or was he just sugarcoating his way back to my heart? I had a lot of questions, I needed a lot of answers, but was it really worth it? Was Blade worth a second chance?
“Hell no.” I pushed Blade out of my thoughts and focused on the movie.
It was a romantic comedy. I regretted settling for it as I didn’t want any reminders of Blade. I was over him, and there was no going back.
The heroine in the movie reminded me so much of my own self. She was bubbly and happy, she was a writer as well, and she had so many hopes and dreams. Then the heroine falls in love with a man who does not love her as much, but she keeps pushing, keeps believing he’s going to change for the better.
I licked my lips hungrily as I fed off the ice cream and asked myself a question. Why did good girls like me always end up with bad boys like Blade? Was it destiny or something? I found it difficult to understand.
Just when the storyline was starting to make sense, I lost interest entirely, turned off my TV, and clicked to my downloaded music on my laptop. I felt the urge to listen to Blade’s voice, the way he drawled those words when he sang. I was beginning to hate a part of me for not deleting all of Blade’s memories.
As I lay on my bed, that sick feeling of being empty crept in once again. I felt alone. I felt a part of me was out there lost and alone. I felt incomplete. I blamed the feeling on stress at work. Who wouldn’t feel that way when they’d just got demoted at the office? Not only that, an unspoken threat from the boss.
I still remembered her steely eyes when she’d mentioned some people would be dropped from the journal. Penny had been talking to me, I felt this strongly. Penny was a down-to-earth person and an understanding boss, but when it came to the success of Daybreak Journal, she was ready to do anything just to achieve her aims. Whenever she said something, she meant it. So, I had to do something, write a story I’d never written before just to secure my job.
I’d missed my opportunity for a promotion because of my feelings for Blade. I was not hardened enough to turn the paper I had written about him to Penny. I was just not ready to chance telling Blade’s deep, dark secrets.
I
knew Blade would end up in a dangerous place if he didn’t change his ways, I just didn’t want to be a part of his downfall.
“What now?”
I rolled my eyes and picked up my buzzing phone. It was Edel. That was kind of strange as she never called me this late at night.
‘Hey, babe,’ I bellowed into the phone.
“What’s up?” She sounded cheerful.
“I’m just chilling. You sound happy, got a date?” I teased.
“Nah, not into the yucky love stuff. I know you’re keeping something from me. I am going to find out, honey, I promise you,” Edel said.
I laughed really hard. Couldn’t she just give up already? I knew she was still talking about Blade—whom she didn’t recognize, by the way.
“Just channel all that Jack Bauer energy into something else…like getting us both a hit story so we don’t lose our jobs,” I replied.
She fell quiet, then cleared her throat. “That’s why I actually called,” she began.
I couldn’t wait to hear what she had to say.
“Don’t you think we should look for other journals or magazines that are hiring before it’s too late? The way I see this, Penny has already prepared a list of the people that are going down. We could be on that list.”
“We may not…we write well,” I cut in to sound positive, but deep down I was shaken by this reality. What if I was top of that list? What would I do? Where would I start?
The writing industry was a very competitive one. You needed to have the ‘extra’ to make things happen.
“Don’t do that, Kira, you’re not naïve. This is business. Penny does not care about any of us losing our jobs. She cares for big stories, and such stories are rare to find. Celebrities and government officials are becoming more secretive as the days go by. Where would we get our huge story?”
“Maybe we should propose diversification…” I rubbed my chin in deep thought.
“What’s that?” Edel asked.
“Penny had the idea we could talk about sex, women’s bodies. You know, catchy topics,” I suggested. Sex always sold.
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