But I hadn’t expected her to shut me down completely. That was exactly what she’d done when we’d spoken on the phone three weeks ago. Ever since then, I couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t even function, to be honest. Maybe it was crazy, but I already knew she was the one for me. The woman I wanted to marry.
For the last couple of years, I’d had a one-track mind. Settle down. Get married. Have lots of kids. Cure the aching loneliness that drove a man like me crazy. My parents and I were never close, and I missed out on a lot growing up, but once I had a family of my own all of that would change.
No one knew that I felt this way. Even at church, I was quiet for the most part and didn’t speak a word of the sadness I felt when I saw a man kiss his wife. Ruffle his son’s hair. Tug on his daughter’s ponytail. When I was younger, I joined the military to see the world, and I wasn’t ready to settle down. Now, it was all I could think about.
Jazmin was special and I could picture a future with her, but she was slipping through my fingers. Lord, if it’s your will, change her heart. Help her to realize how good we are together.
I parked at the curb next to her house and got out of my vehicle. I just stood there for a few seconds, staring at her home like a love-sick dog. Alaska was my home, but I was willing to uproot myself and live in California if it came down to it. I let out a breath and walked to her porch. Knocked on the door. Took off my hat.
The door flew open, and she stood in black jeans and a blue sweater that matched the blue of her eyes. My pulse sped up at the sight of her. “Jazmin.” It came out like a whisper.
She smiled, her long red hair flowing over her shoulders. It was the first thing that caught my eye the day we met, and her smile was the second. She clasped her hands in front of her. “You look awful spiffy. I like the hat. Nice touch.”
I put it back on my head. “You know me. I’m a cowboy at heart.” I offered her my arm. “Shall we?”
She took my arm, and we headed to my car. I opened the door for her and she slid into the passenger seat. I jogged around the vehicle and got in at the driver’s side, and then we were off. She liked Chinese food and had talked about a place nearby a few times, so I figured that was a good place to take her. We parked and made our way inside. A man showed us to a table immediately, and after looking at the menu, we agreed to share several dishes.
“Hunter and Sabrina’s wedding is coming up soon,” I said with a wry smile. “You ready to come to Alaska next month?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” She laughed. “Sabrina has planned every detail. I’m sure it will go off without a hitch.”
“When Hunter asked me to be one of his groomsmen, I was honored.” I leaned forward and took her hand in mine. “But, honestly, I think I’m more excited about the opportunity to walk with you down the aisle.” I looked straight into her eyes and winked, and a pretty blush splashed across her face.
She glanced away, but not before I caught her smile. “We don’t know if we’ll be paired up. There are five bridesmaids and five groomsmen. There’s a good chance you’ll escort one of her sisters.”
I relaxed against the seat and crossed my arms over my chest. “Hunter’s got my back.”
She giggled. “We’ll see.”
“Yes, we will.”
She smoothed a lock of hair behind her ear. “The only thing left to do is to book our hotel. Frankly, I’m surprised everyone waited this long. If it were up to me, I would’ve taken care of that months ago. I’m concerned we won’t be able to find a hotel that can take all of us if we don’t act soon.”
“Oh, didn’t Sabrina tell you?” I lifted an eyebrow. “You’re staying at my place.”
At the look of shock on her face, I amended my statement. “All of you… The whole family.”
“How is that possible? I’ve seen your cabin. It’s barely big enough for two people.”
“You won’t be at the cabin. You’re staying at my house.”
She frowned and leaned forward. “You have another house?”
“As a matter of fact, I do. A nice one too. Five thousand square feet to be exact.”
Her mouth fell open, and she stared at me in disbelief. “How come you never mentioned that before?”
I shrugged. “It never came up.”
She shook her head and smiled. “You are full of surprises, Clay Drover.”
“They say a man should remain mysterious if he hopes to court a woman.”
“Is that what you’re doing? Courting me?”
“It’s what I’d like to do. I’m just waiting for you to agree.”
She flashed a coy smile. “Our situation hasn’t changed, but I see no reason why we can’t spend time together while I’m in Alaska. After that…” She trailed off. “Well, we don’t need to think about that right now.”
“No, we don’t. And I’m up for the challenge.”
Our waiter appeared with Kung Pao Chicken, Sweet and Sour Pork, Beef and Broccoli, Chow Mein, chicken salad, white rice, and egg rolls. It was more than we needed, but I didn’t want my woman to go hungry. I smiled at the sudden realization that I’d thought of her as my woman. Truthfully, I’d thought of her in that way for some time now. Hopefully, she would come to reciprocate those feelings one day. I said a quick prayer asking God to bless our meal and then we dug in.
I cleared my throat. “Aren’t you going to ask how I’m able to afford a five thousand square foot home?”
Her eyes flickered with amusement. “They say if a woman hopes to court a man, it’s taboo to ask how much money he makes.”
I laughed. “Good call.” I rested my arms on the table and finished chewing. “But I’ll tell you, anyway. My parents were well off. They left me a sizable inheritance when they passed.”
“How come you live in the cabin instead of the house?”
“It tends to be lonely living in a home that size. The cabin is much more to my taste.”
“Then why did you buy the house?”
I wiped my face with a napkin. “Just waiting for the right woman to agree to marry me. Once that happens, we’ll have a whole brood of kids to fill up all those rooms.” I lifted one side of my mouth in a wry grin. “Maybe you can help me out with that.”
The humor died in her eyes and she glanced away, but not before I saw a flicker of pain there. What was that about? I watched her carefully, but she kept her head ducked and stared at her plate as she moved her food around.
She was quiet for a long moment and then she let out a breath. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“Already found it.”
I waited for her to absorb that and when it finally registered that I was speaking of her, she blushed. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
“Can’t help it when it comes to you. Every time we’re together, it’s like I’m an awkward teenager putting his foot in his mouth.”
She glanced up at me with a sad smile. “You’re very sweet. You’ll make some woman very happy one day.”
I frowned, not liking the sound of that. She was pulling away again, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
We finished our meal but our conversation was a little stilted. Something I’d said had upset her, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was. I paid the bill, and we stood to leave.
A bell at the door jingled, and a couple walked in with their three children trailing behind. Jazmin froze, and the color drained from her face. “Oh, no,” she whispered.
“What’s wrong?”
“That man…” She jerked her chin in the direction of the family that had just come through the doorway. “His name’s Jared, and he was an old boyfriend. It didn’t end well.”
“I take it you don’t want to say hello?”
She shook her head and covered her eyes with a hand. “This is terrible. I always knew we’d run into each other one day, but…”
“You still have feelings for him?”
“No way. I’ve been over him for a long, lo
ng time, but it’s hard seeing him with a family. I have nothing to show for myself.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re beautiful, smart, accomplished. You have everything going for you.”
The corners of her lips tilted up gratefully and then she glanced over in his direction. Turning back to me, she looked a little panicked. “Quick, sit down before he sees us.”
We both sat down in the booth and watched as a hostess seated them nearby. When he didn’t look our way, she breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m acting like a child.”
“Don’t worry about it. I get it. It’s hard running into someone you haven’t seen in a long time.”
“It was awkward when we broke up.”
“Mind if I ask what led to the breakup?”
She pressed her lips together, and I got the feeling she didn’t want to talk about it.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind telling you. He wanted kids, and that wasn’t a priority of mine at the time.” She averted her gaze and wouldn’t look me in the eye. “I’ve always been more focused on my career.”
My heart sank, and disappointment washed through me. My mom had been an attorney before she retired, and she often worked late into the night, rarely making time for me. My father was a CEO of a large company and was hardly ever home either since he preferred to work long hours. When he did have free time, he prioritized his friends over his own family. I was a lost kid back then. Lonely. Sad. Swore I’d be nothing like my parents, and I’d kept that promise to myself. My grizzly appearance was the complete opposite of how I’d been raised, but more importantly, my priorities were different.
At first, I was afraid to get married and have children lest I follow in my mom and dad’s footsteps. Now that I was older and wiser, having a family was all I dreamed about.
If Jazmin didn’t want kids, that might be a deal-breaker, but she hadn’t explicitly said she didn’t want them. Judging by how old Jared’s kids looked, her relationship with him had to have been quite a while ago, so hopefully, her priorities had changed since then.
“All right. I think we can leave now,” she said, standing. “He doesn’t seem to notice us.”
I stood as well, and as I stepped back to let her walk in front of me, she suddenly grabbed my arm. “Don’t look but he’s staring at us.” Her voice was as quiet as a whisper, but there was panic there.
“You want to hurry out?”
She ignored the question. “Kiss me.”
I cocked an eyebrow and looked at her hard to make sure she was serious. She nodded slightly, and I didn’t wait for her to ask me again. I pulled her into my arms and lowered my mouth to hers. I’d thought about what it would be like to kiss those ruby lips for five whole months, but I didn’t think I’d get a chance to do it this soon.
My lips moved over hers gently, testing the waters, making sure I didn’t overstep. But when she threw her arms around my neck, that gave me the green-light to hold her tighter, to move my mouth over hers more fervently. A few seconds later, we pulled back at the same time, breathless. Perhaps she had allowed me to kiss her just to show the ex-boyfriend she wasn’t alone, or maybe she was just so overcome with my good looks that she demanded a kiss. Yeah, right. It was definitely the first option.
“That was amazing,” I said.
“You’re a great kisser.”
“Don’t sound so surprised.”
“I’m not, I…” She glanced over at the ex-boyfriend, but he wasn’t looking at us anymore. He was talking to his wife and kids which was just as well.
“You ready?” I asked.
She smiled and relaxed her shoulders. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”
Chapter 3
Jazmin
1 month later
“What’s going on between you and Clay?” Sabrina whispered as we headed to the baggage claim to pick up our luggage. We had just landed in Anchorage, and the plan was to get rental cars and then head over to Clay’s house. My stomach fluttered at the thought of seeing him again, but I needed to stop thinking of him that way. The sooner I did, the better.
I shrugged and glanced around to make sure our families couldn’t hear. They were walking ahead of us, but I wanted to be extra careful since some of them were overly curious. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
In all truth, I had an inkling, but it was hard to push myself to do the right thing. When I’d first met Clay, I’d thought he was a little too outspoken…or maybe a lot. He’d rubbed me the wrong way, but once we started talking, we just…clicked.
I’d tried to distance myself, but when he flew out to California two times to see me, my heart melted.
And then there was that kiss. It was the kind of kiss a woman didn’t easily forget. But I had to forget.
“You don’t know because he’s been unclear about his intentions?” Sabrina asked. “Or because you aren’t sure what you want?”
In a perfect world, Clay and I might be able to move past our differences to make a relationship work, but I didn’t see how we could overcome the issue of having children. When we’d had dinner a month ago, he’d slipped his desire for a family into the conversation, and I’d seen in his eyes how important it was to him. It was like being with Jared all over again, only this time, I had to stop things before they progressed too far. Thinking about it made my chest ache, but it was the right thing to do. I just had to get the courage to push him away for good.
A better woman would have told him outright what the issue was, but I was too private to do that. No one knew that I couldn’t have children, not even my own mother. It hurt too much to talk about it. Honestly, it was easier to focus on what I could do. Building my career. Finding self-assurance in my ability to take care of myself. I didn’t need a man to survive.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t want love or marriage or all the things my friends and family had. I wanted that as much as the next person, but God had chosen differently for me.
I wasn’t bitter.
Okay, maybe I was a little. Most of the time I accepted where the Lord had me and was content with the blessings he had given me. But at times like these, when a sliver of hope slipped into my universe, it was really hard not to struggle.
Clay and I could have worked out if only I was able to have children, but that would never happen. Yes, adoption was always a possibility, but as a therapist, I’d found that many people—men and women alike—wanted their own biological children. In my line of work, I knew too well that coming to a decision to adopt often took years. I just couldn’t invest my heart in a relationship and then find out my infertility was the reason we had to break up. I’d seen a few of my clients go through that, and they were devastated. Maybe if I went into it with a more naïve mindset, I wouldn’t fear the worst.
Sabrina nudged me with her elbow. “Do you plan to answer my question anytime soon?”
I’d been so lost in thought I’d forgotten what she’d asked. “Sorry, my mind is elsewhere today. What was the question again?”
“Are you unsure about Clay because he hasn’t made his intentions clear? Or are you feeling ambivalent about him?”
People gathered around the baggage carousel, but we lingered back, figuring we’d get our turn soon enough. Our luggage wasn’t going anywhere and neither of us liked to fight the crowds.
“He’s been clear about what he wants, and I like him a lot, but we have different goals in life. Different desires.”
Sabrina met my gaze, and there was a gentleness in her manner as if she understood how hard this was for me. “The melding of those goals and desires is what makes a good marriage. Both parties have to compromise.”
In this case, there was nothing I could do to compromise. I physically could not have children. My endometriosis had progressed to the point that my doctor told me it was very unlikely that I would ever get pregnant. Yes, there were surgeries and things people could do, but I
was in my early forties and that made the challenge that much harder.
I glanced over to find Sabrina watching me intently, a crease on her forehead indicating concern. “I’m not trying to push you. You don’t have to be with Clay if you don’t want to be, but I love you and want to see you happy.”
“I am happy.” I didn’t sound convincing even to myself.
“All right. If you say so.”
“I do.”
A masculine hand squeezed my shoulder, and I turned to find Clay standing there, a silly grin on his face, wearing the same cowboy hat he’d had on when he’d visited me in California. “Good morning, madam. Can I be of service?”
My eyes widened, and I stepped back. “Clay…what are you doing here? I thought you would be at your house waiting for us.”
“That was the plan.” He just stared at me, not giving an explanation for his sudden appearance.
Sabrina stifled a laugh with a hand over her mouth. “Plans tend to change, don’t they?” She looked almost giddy with delight.
Hunter approached behind her and put a finger at his lips indicating we shouldn’t alert her to his presence. He picked her up off her feet before she even saw him. He twirled her around and she squealed when she realized who it was, and then he hugged her tight. “How is the future Mrs. Gaines?”
She pulled back, placing her hands on both sides of his face. “Perfect, now that I’m here with you.”
He bent down and kissed her, and I turned away, not wanting to intrude on their private moment. Clay was watching me intently; his gaze moving to my lips and then up to my eyes. That one look felt like a caress, and my insides turned to liquid, my face heating at the reminder of that kiss we’d had a month ago. Suddenly, it became extremely important that I distract both of us from those kinds of thoughts.
“I can’t believe you drove all this way. In a few minutes, you’ll have to turn around and drive right back.”
Christmas With An Alaskan Man (An Alaskan Romance Series Book 3) Page 2