by Shari Low
‘I’m really sorry, Grandad,’ he says, with sorrow in his voice. ‘It was a mistake telling them and letting them come. I really hope you’re not hearing how much of an idiot he’s being. Jesus, I hope I’m nothing like him.’
You aren’t, son, I want to say it, but I can’t. I just hope he trusts himself enough to know.
‘Like I said to Liv, when they come back, I’ll nip over to your house and get your shaving stuff, but I’ll be back. I’m not letting them stay at your house, just so you know that. They can stay at my flat. I’ve got a feeling that you wouldn’t want them at your place, raking through your stuff, and I suspect that’s exactly what they would do. What does that say about me? Not great on trust, am I?’
Naw, but he is great on common sense and decency – and pretty perceptive because he is absolutely right on how I feel about them staying in my house when I’m not there. Over my dead body.
Tom’s sigh snapped me out of my rage.
‘I can’t stop thinking about her, Grandad. I just can’t. The thought that Davie, that smug prick, is going to be seeing her tonight makes me want to punch something. Preferably his leering face. He’s a player, a top-class player, and the Chrissie I knew would have seen right through him, but how can I know what she’s like now?’
I can feel the tentacles of regret moving under my skin again. I’d been wrong. I know now that Betty and I were wrong.
‘You know,’ he carries on. ‘I always thought she would change her mind and come to Australia. Every day I would wake up and hope that was the day that she would arrive to surprise me, despite what Rosemary and my dad thought. And I know that’s a cop out, because the truth is, I should never have left her in the first place, but it took me a while to realise that she wasn’t coming. I think that’s why I had to come back. Rosemary told me that Chrissie had phoned to say she’d met someone else, but I didn’t care – I needed to see for myself.’
Christ, he’s never mentioned that before. I don’t know when the lass had found herself another boyfriend, but she was certainly still hankering after Tom on that night she’d come to my house.
I feel another wave of shame as it dawns on me that Rosemary had probably lied. She hadn’t passed on the letters. She’d lied about the calls. That woman had been determined to keep them apart and would sink to any level to do so. Not that I had the moral high ground here.
I feel my throat tighten as I try to speak, but nothing will come out. This damn body.
Instead, I listen as Tom goes on, ‘Then I couldn’t find her. I came to terms with the fact that she was probably married, had kids, and now… now she’s meeting Davie fucking Bailey. Sorry for swearing.’
I want to smile at that. He’d have got a severe talking to if my Betty had heard him use that kind of language. Considering the circumstances though, I’m all for letting it go this time.
‘There’s part of me that wants to just charge on in there, but that would be stupid, I know that. I’ll just go see her tomorrow. But what if she doesn’t make it to work tomorrow because she’s off somewhere with Davie? That’s the kind of thing he does – convinces people that the party should never end. Man, I’m torturing myself here.’
The rubbing of his finger up and down my arm is still going on and I can almost feel his tension seeping into me, meeting the wave of regret that I’m already feeling. I dearly wish I could take this sorrow away from him, make it right.
I should have sent the letter. I know that now. Instead, I’d opened it. The words are imprinted on my brain.
Tom, I need to speak to you. Not sure how I can tell you why in a letter, but trust me, I need you to call me. Actually, it’s more than that. I need you to come back. I’ll explain why when you phone me. I’ll be at my mum’s house until the end of October, and then I need to find somewhere else to live. I so hope you’re back with me by then.
Please, please call.
I love you,
Chrissie xxx
She wanted the boy to come back. And I knew what he was like – if he read this he’d be back in a second, because he had a big heart that didn’t always do what was best for him. Over there, he would be going to university, then our Norry had told me that he’d set him up in business. He had a great life all mapped out for him, and if I sent this I could take it all away from him, and for what? A teenage romance that probably wouldn’t have lasted the year anyway. Young ones didn’t marry in their teens and stay that way these days. They were waiting longer and longer to settle down, and although I’d been lucky with my Betty and wouldn’t have changed it for the world, I didn’t want Tom settling down too young and regretting it later. I felt like I had the boy’s entire future in my hands right there and I didn’t know what I should do with it.
I feel a gentle pressure on my arm as Tom begins to speak again. ‘I just wish I’d never left. Or that I’d come back straight away, before she disappeared. Before I lost her.’
Christ, the grief in the boy’s voice is killing me. This is on me. It is all on me.
I hear our Betty’s voice again.
‘What are you going to do?’ she asked, when I put the letter down on my lap after I’d read it.
I took my spectacles off and looked up at her. Over in the doorway, with only the light of the floor lamp and the coal fire illuminating her face, she looked more beautiful than I’d ever seen her. Even now, I can still picture every curve and crevice of her face and I long to see it again.
I passed the letter over and watched as she read it. She handed it back with a sigh and, I knew, a heavy heart.
Tom is speaking again. ‘The thing is, Grandad, there’s only ever been her. I wanted to meet someone else, wanted to fall in love, but no one compared to her. And the stupid thing is, that girl probably doesn’t even exist any more. I mean, who still loves the same person that they loved at eighteen? If you were awake, I’m pretty sure you’d be telling me I was being ridiculous. Shit, I wish you could talk to me.’
For once, I didn’t want his wish to come true, because then I’d need to tell him. I’d need to confess the truth.
Back on that night, I’d needed to know what Betty was thinking.
‘Well?’ I asked her, fearful of her answer because I knew what was going through my mind and I didn’t want to admit it to myself.
‘You know I’ll stand by whatever you decide,’ she told me, unnecessary as it was, because even when we disagreed, we still stuck by each other, for good or bad, right or wrong. ‘But this is another one of those situations that could completely alter a life. God help us, we’ve already done wrong by reading that poor lass’s letter, but I hope God knows we were doing it to protect Tom and we’ll have to live with that. If we send it, he’ll come back, no doubt about it. I’m not sure we can put that kind of pressure on him. Maybe it’s better to let people figure out their future for themselves.’
With that, she got up and went to the kitchen, touching my shoulder tenderly as she passed. I gazed at the letter on my lap once again and thought about it. I thought about Flora. I thought about Annie. I thought about all that I’d lost by interfering in other people’s lives.
I had lost Tom to the other side of the world, but he was still in our lives and I knew we’d see him again. This letter would bring him back, but at what cost to him? His future? I had no way of knowing. But it wasn’t a risk I was about to take.
Betty never asked me about it again and I was glad, because it would have pained me to admit that I did something that I know now was so wrong.
I scrunched that letter up and I threw it on the fire.
Now, over twelve years later, I realise that it wasn’t just the letter that I destroyed. My Tom’s chance of happiness with a woman he loved went up in flames that evening too.
Twenty-three
Chrissie
‘I can’t do it. Let’s just do what you suggested earlier and have a couple of bottles of wine and a girls’ night in,’ Chrissie implored, her voice wobbling. How many times w
as she going to go back and forward on this today? She’d suddenly morphed into an emotional bloody pendulum.
‘Sorry,’ Josie answered. ‘That was a time limited offer and you’re way past the deadline. You really need to woman up.’
The seriousness of Josie’s face made Chrissie giggle. Or that might have been the glass of rosé she’d already had. She wasn’t a huge drinker, so she felt the effects pretty swiftly.
‘Another terrific motivational speech there, Josie,’ Jen said, from her vantage point behind the desk, where she was cashing up the days takings from Sun, Sea, Ski. They’d come back here straight after the make-over at the salon, closed the blinds, and convened a pre-date preparation session. Jen was the owner of the shop, Chrissie’s boss and Val’s adopted daughter. She had a smile that was as huge as her heart and Chrissie had clicked with her the moment they’d met, right after Val had marched her in and strongly suggested that Jen interview her for the assistant manager’s job. Chrissie got both the job and a new friend who complemented her perfectly. Jen handled the accounts, the business side of things and social media, while Chrissie was the creative one, who looked after marketing material, advertising and the company blog. And, of course, they both worked in the shop, selling merchandise and helping the clients plan and book the perfect holiday.
Not that there was much work getting done right now. The shop had closed at 6 p.m. after a monster day at the tills. Most of the other staff had headed out for the night, while Jen, on a post-busy high, was starting to wind down by counting the takings armed with a large glass of vino. Val and Josie, both sitting in bucket chairs in the middle of the shop, hadn’t taken much persuasion to join her, whereas Chrissie had knocked back one glass, then gone to get changed into her new purchases.
She was worried that she’d imagined it, but no, the dress still fitted her perfectly, the shrug was stunning, and her make-up was flawless. In fact, everything was on point, except for her courage, which appeared to have temporarily deserted her.
‘Wow, you look incredible,’ Jen had whistled when she’d finally emerged from the fitting room where she’d been getting changed.
‘Are you sure?’ Chrissie asked, needing the reassurance.
‘I’m positive.’
‘Okay,’ Chrissie said firmly. ‘I can do this. Although, this is the only time I have ever, ever hoped that Ben calls me from a sleepover and announces that he ate something dodgy, isn’t feeling well and wants to come home. I’m a terrible mother.’
Jen found this hilarious. ‘You are not a terrible mother! You’re just slightly terrified. Okay, massively terrified.’
Chrissie perched on the edge of one of the free seats so that she wouldn’t crease her dress, and fretted a bit more. ‘I really hope this guy is not a dick.’
‘Or a mass murderer,’ Val added. ‘But if he is, don’t worry – I’ll adopt Ben and make him mine. We’ll give you a lovely send-off.’
‘Great!’ Chrissie grinned. ‘That’s a huge weight off my mind. Huge. I’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about then. Apart from the bit where he slaughters me over pudding with an ice cream wafer.’
She needed this. Needed to be having a laugh that would take her mind off the dual pain of her first date in a decade and having her intimate follicles ripped out by lashings of hot wax. Her eyes watered every time she moved, peed or thought about it.
‘Okay, rules,’ Val said, in all seriousness. ‘You must text us every hour and tell us that you’re safe and enjoying yourself. If you don’t contact us, Josie will enter the building in a covert manner and you just know that won’t end well.’
Josie nodded the affirmative.
‘No problem,’ Chrissie concurred.
‘You must also text us when you’re leaving, and let us know where you’re going,’ Josie added. It was becoming like an episode of Criminal Minds, where each of the BAU team gave separate elements of their serial killer profile.
‘DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE,’ Val emphasised. ‘Because we don’t know where he lives and then anything could happen and we wouldn’t be able to get there to break you out.’
‘If you intend to have sex, and God help us, I hope you do—’
‘Josie!’ the others exclaimed at exactly the same time.
She ignored them and just kept on going. ‘Then use protection and keep the light on, otherwise you don’t know what he could surprise you with. I say that from experience.’
‘I don’t want to know,’ Val drawled, trying to keep a straight face. ‘But was it the time with the rubber sex toys?’
‘I can’t possibly say,’ Josie replied, feigning distress. ‘But I’ve never been able to change a tyre since.’
When the laughter subsided, Chrissie started to fidget. ‘Aaargh, I’m getting more nervous by the minute. I think I’m just going to go now.’
‘It’s only 7.30,’ Jen pointed out.
‘I know, but by the time I get there…’
‘It’s a three minute walk.’ That was Val.
‘… And get organised…’
‘Organised for what? You’re having dinner, not planning a fortnight in Benidorm.’ Val again.
‘I’d much prefer that,’ Chrissie countered. She picked up her phone and texted Ben for the tenth time that day.
I’m just off out now. Remember to call me if you need me. Or if you’re missing me. Or for any reason at all
she typed, then pressed send.
The response was almost instant.
Sorry, who is this?
The boy would go far with that sense of humour.
‘Ok, I’m going to go,’ Chrissie said, with finality this time.
Sighing, Val and Josie both got up.
‘We’ll walk you there,’ Val said.
‘No, it’s fine. Honestly. I’ll be okay…’
‘We’re not worried about that,’ Josie said. ‘We’re more concerned that you’ll bottle out, jump in a taxi and you’ll be home with a tub of ice cream, watching The Greatest Showman before the poor guy even knows you’ve stood him up.’
‘You probably have a good point,’ Chrissie conceded, thinking that she would indeed love to be home in her jammies right now having a musical interlude with Hugh Jackman. She picked up her bag – a beautiful berry coloured Mulberry clutch borrowed from Jen for the night – and gave her friend a hug.
Jen squeezed her back. ‘Good luck. I’m sure you’ll have a brilliant night. Phone me tomorrow and tell me how it goes, but I’ll be here for the next hour or so in case you need me,’ Jen promised. ‘And I’ll make sure these two come back and don’t just press their faces against the restaurant window for the rest of the night.’
Chrissie grinned. ‘Thank you. But I think there’s probably a limit to your superpowers.’
‘Right, come on then,’ Josie beckoned, holding out her arm. Chrissie took it, and as soon as they were outside, Val joined in. The three of them walked, arm in arm, down the street.
They were just passing CAMDEN, the gents’ boutique on the other side of Sun, Sea, Ski, when the owner, Cammy, another long time member of this extended group of friends, and his wife, Caro, emerged from the doorway. There was a round of hugs and kisses between them all.
Val was first to find out what was happening. ‘Caro, you look beautiful as always. Cammy, son, you’re definitely punching above your weight there. You off out somewhere nice?’
‘Anniversary dinner. Kind of. Tomorrow is a year since the day we met.’
‘And that was one helluva day last December,’ Josie said, grinning. Cammy had been planning to marry someone else, but it hadn’t worked out, which was just as well because he’d met Caro and she was oh so right for him.
‘Have a fabulous time, you two. You know we’re all so happy for you,’ Val said, hugging them again.
‘Where are you three off to? Is there a girls’ night I’m missing, because, you know, I could stand this guy up,’ Caro asked, laughing.
Josie got in there first. ‘Nope,
we’re pimping Chrissie out. First date. We’re just walking her to the restaurant to make sure she doesn’t flee the country.’
‘Do you want me to create a diversion and see if you can outrun them?’ Caro asked, gesturing to the older women.
Val interrupted. ‘Don’t even think about it. With my new knee, I’m practically bionic.’
With another flurry of kisses and good luck wishes, they said their goodbyes, and the three women carried on down the street.
‘You’re going to be great,’ Val promised Chrissie. ‘Just be your normal, chilled out self and he’ll realise how incredibly amazing you are. I’m proud of you, love. I really am.’
‘Oh, Val, don’t make my mascara run again,’ she wailed.
A huge chunk of Chrissie’s nerves were melted by the warmth of Val’s words. She really was so lucky to have found this group, this extended family. Her life would be so much less without them in it. They made her laugh, made her feel loved, safe… she’d always be grateful. And despite the protestations, she was thankful, too, that they were encouraging her to do this. It was time. After seeing Tom’s doppleganger today, she knew that more than ever. And there was definitely a little chink of excitement in there amongst the nerves.
As they got to the front door of the restaurant, Chrissie adopted a demeanour of positivity and resolve. ‘Right, I’m going in. Thank you so much for everything you two have done for me today. I love you both,’ she said, kissing each woman in turn.
‘Back at you, love,’ Josie responded, hugging her. ‘Sure you don’t want us to wait here and vet him?’
‘I’m sure.’ She broke the news as gently as possible. She knew how much they would relish the opportunity to meet, interrogate and judge this poor guy.
‘Okay. Hourly texts or we’ll be back.’
‘Done,’ Chrissie said, as she stepped back, pivoted and stood for a moment to gather herself. Deep breath. Head up. Walk in.