Alice: The Leader

by Gabriella Dennany

  Luckily, there is a free spot right in front of the apartment. I park the car and pull the keys to my apartment out of my pocket. I twist it around my hand and turn to Red. She sits patiently waiting for me to exit the car. I nod at her and jump out of the car, gently closing the door.

  I jog over to my apartment building, and pick a key from the chain and slip it in the lock. I open the door and take a breathtaking step inside. The lobby seems more vacant than usual. Dust flies through patches of sunlight and I look around in amazement. It feels like I haven’t been in here for a long time. Eric shall never ever walk into his home again. A frown sadly at the distressing thought.

  “I’ll be outside. Scream if you need me,” Red says with a faint smile.

  I look towards the stairs, and then back at her. I realize that I don’t want to be alone as I trek through sad memories, “Come with me, please.”

  Red smirks and then nods, “No problem.”

  I turn to the stairs and walk up the dusty stairs. Red is right behind me as I trot up the stairs while taking deep breaths. After two minutes, we stand in front of my door. I fumble with the keys, my hands shaking dangerously. The keys fall from my hands and I place my left hand over my eyes.

  Red reaches down and picks up the keys. She uses her other hand to place it on my shoulder. “Stay calm, let’s just take this slow. Which key unlocks this door?” She says quietly and slowly.

  I reach out with a trembling finger and point at the dark and small key. Red nods and unlocks the door. She gently pushes it open and gently pushes me inside. I close my eyes and take in a deep breathe taking in the aroma. I open my eyes slowly and cough at the stench I just took in.

  I start to laugh hysterically and I can hear Red chuckle behind me. Once I finish laughing for the first time in what seems like years even though it has just been a few weeks, I turn back to Red and chuckle, “The milk smells like shit.”

  Red laughs and says, “Yeah, I smell it. You still want to get some things?” My smile turns into a firm line as I nod.

  “You can stay in here, I’m going to Eric’s room,” My voice falters when I say his name. “Oh and make yourself at home, the water is still fine but don’t even look at the milk,” I say.

  I turn to Eric’s room and slowly open his door. A frown forms on my face as I remember rushing into here, franticly searching for Eric. His room, of course, is still a mess so I watch where I step as I tip toe towards his bed. I hear something crunch under my foot, and I grimace hopping that it isn’t that bad. I lean down and pick up a picture frame. The top is broken but I don’t care. I look at the picture and smile at its content. It’s us, Eric and I. Before the sky came falling down on all of us.

  I gently set it down on his bed and glance at the slightly dusty and crumbled paper that sits next to it. I pick it up and unravel it. I recoil in disgust when I realize that it is the Captain’s letter. Memories float into the back of my mind and slither to the front like a salamander. I clench my hand that is at my side and feel my blood rush under my skin and in my veins. I feel a burning sensation in my palm that is holding the letter. I look down at my hand and see smoke rising from my fingers.

  My mind fades into the Captain’s memories once more as I feel the letter in between my fingers. The sights fade into my head painfully as I hear the Captain say, “We have found them? Great. I will go personally to ensure he’s extracted. We will use any means necessary.”

  I see the Captain hastily write the letter that is directed towards me as he mumbles, “I will find her too. I don’t want her to be an obstacle.”

  As my consciousness fades back, the edges of the paper go up in flames and soon enough, the paper is ashes in my hands. I blow the ashes in the air and watch them fly away. I drop to the ground and pull the family chest out from under his bed. This is really the only thing I need. Even though this is all of his clothes, I know I can’t keep them all. But, I know that I just cannot leave all of the pictures that he has lying around. I go walking around the room and pick up every picture that I can find. Soon enough, the chest is heavy and full under my arm.

  Quickly I make my way to the door, but before I can, something catches my eye. I pause for a moment, contemplating if I should investigate or not. Choosing probably the wrong answer, I set the chest down next to the door, and walk slowly to his closest. From where I stood by the door I could see some red and black closing on the floor. Eric was a very organized person, clothes on the floor of the closest is exactly the opposite of what he would do.

  I open the closest door all of the way, kneeling down and grabbing the unknown clothing. It’s a homemade red shirt, and a pair of normal black jeans. As I pick up the shirt, I stand to stretch it out. There is a logo imprinted on it. Nothing large, just a drawing of a worn out American Flag, littered with rips and tatters, it’s normally bright color faded. The flag isn’t the part that confuses me, though, on top of the flag is a painting of the most common Conduit ribbons: red and black.

  On the back of the shirt, it says, “Watch. Listen. The people say so.” I gape at the shirt, what does this mean? It’s in Eric’s closest, which must mean that he wears it. Suddenly I remember that Red is waiting in the living room, and that none of this really matters anymore. Eric is gone, member of the rebellion or not, he is gone.

  Either way, I fold the shirt carefully, and slide it into the family chest.

  I walk out of his room and close the door gently. Red has a nearly empty glass of water in her right hand. She’s leaning against the counter, and more memories come flowing back to me. When I walked into the house and put the groceries on that counter and Eric told me about the forgetting the bread.

  “You’ve got everything you need?” Red asks while setting her glass down.

  I nod and glance around one more time. “I’ve got to get out of here. This place is like a hellhole full of memories,” I mutter darkly.

  Red raises an eyebrow and just shrugs, “Alright, let’s get back then.”

  I turn and walk to the door. I look back at the room and let out a sad sigh. I quickly exit the apartment house and make my way to the driver’s seat in the car. Red jumps in on the other side, and shuts the door quietly. When we get to the car, I pull out and drive away.

  While driving, I am forcing myself not to cry. Red keeps on glancing at me, clearly worrying about me. My hands are shaking, and I don’t know what has gotten over me. Leaving my home behind is taking its toll on me.

  And even though I had a great laugh today, it doesn’t matter. Only because I wanted to laugh, I wanted to feel the exhilaration of laughter. It was a real laugh, but like I said, it doesn’t matter. My arm is throbbing and I really don’t want to go to the base.

  I swallow down guilt and remorse as I stare at the road ahead. My eye is twitching because of me trying so hard not to cry. In due time, the base comes into view. I grimace at the sight, and know that once again, I have to avoid everyone.

  The people just started to begin to think that they got their leader back.

  I don’t know if that girl will ever be back.

  Realization

  I park the jeep right outside the gates with shaking hands. I fumble with the keys and I let out a few deep breaths.

  “Do you need any help with the chest?” Red asks softly. She places her hand on top of mine, but I recoil.

  I shake my head and wave my empty hand at her. “I can get it,” I mumble.

  Red nods and gives me one last look before exiting the car and walking into the base. She is eagerly greeted by Sam and walks hand in hand into the base with him. Eventually, I’m going to have to find out about how the hell that happened.

  I slide out of the car and pull the chest out of the back seat. I have it tucked nicely under my arm as I fast walk past the gates. When I blink, I see dead bodies on the ground. I shake my head and clench my empty fist, trying to get the memories to disperse but it never works. I turn my head to the right and I see sweet Chuck lying on the ground with
his eyes wide open, staring straight at me. I wince at the sight and quickly look away. My ears are ringing with screams of the innocent, and the battle cries of the guilty. I can hear the Captain’s vile laugh in my right ear and in the left the bang of a gun. I stop unconsciously and look down.

  Right beside my feet are the little flowers that surround Eric’s body. I try my best not to look at him, but my eyes deceive me. I look right at him and gasp at the way he looks. His face is a deathly pale while his hands look like ash. His lips are slightly parted and they are dark and ashy just like his hands.

  As much as I try to pull my eyes away, I just cannot. This is the closest I’ve been to him since The Captain. My mind scrunches up in disgust and I kneel down on my knees. I set the chest down next to me as I stare at his body. I can feel my eyes glass over with threatening tears but I clench both of my fists to force them not to fall. In the corner of my eyes, I can see people watching me with great curiosity in their eyes. I stand abruptly and snatch the chest from the ground.

  I sprint into the base as fast as I can so no one can see the tears falling from my eyes. I see the elevator open, but I quickly turn to the stairs next to it. I go zooming up the stairs, carful to watch my balance so I don’t fall. Finally, I make it to my floor and sweat drips down from my forehead, and clings to my brow.

  Even though my legs ache from running up six levels, I still fast walk to my room. I open the door and drop the chest right next to it. I stumble to my bed and collapse on it. I am eager for sleep, but I know that I shan’t get any no matter how hard I try. Sitting up, I peel off my sweaty long sleeved shirt and toss it on the ground. Underneath I have a black tanktop that shows my cuts. I lightly dab at them with my index finger and wince at the pain. Reaching for the shirt, I inspect it for blood. Tiny splotches are around the area that it was set on. Luckily the shirt is dark enough that Red couldn’t have been able to notice it.

  I fall back onto my soft bed and long for the blanket from the infirmary.

  Also, for Will to be with me so I can actually get some sleep. I want Eric to lie with me. I want him to sooth me to sleep. A knock at the door makes me suddenly shoot up from my comfortable spot and glare and the door.

  I reluctantly stand and walk over to the door. I push my hair away from my eyes and wipe my sweaty hands on my pants. Right before opening the door, I feel my arm throb and know that I have to cover it. I call to whomever is on the other side, “One second!”

  I race around and find a clean long sleeved shirt, gently putting it on over my wounds. I straighten myself and open the door. Will stands there with a smirk on his face. He wears a black button down shirt and black jeans to match. His hair is falling over his precious blue eyes. I automatically pull his car keys from my pocket and drop them in his hand.

  “Did you get everything you needed from your house?” He asks casually while shoving the keys in his pocket.

  I nod and reply, “My mom has a chest that has been passed down to the eldest child of the Swan family. In her will, she gave it to Eric. Now that he is gone, I’m guessing that it belongs to me now since he doesn’t have any kids,” I hide my confused face as I stared at him, did he just forget about what he called me earlier?

  Again?

  He nods and points backwards, “Wanna go somewhere?”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Last time you asked me that you took me to a cemetery,” I say slowly.

  Will chuckles, “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on going there anytime soon for now.”

  I look away then back at him. I shake my head and say, “I really want to get some sleep. I don’t feel like going anywhere, anyways.”

  He takes my hand and whispers, “You heard what I said, right? A little while ago, on the other side of the door?”

  I focus my eyes on the ground and mumble, “Yes.” Now, thinking back to that moment I wish I had opened the door and embraced him. But, after what he said before, I was still filled with blind anger towards him.

  Will gently picks up my head by my chin and forces me to look at him. “Then you know that I love you,” He whispers.

  I look up through my eyelashes, feeling the tears stinging my eyes. “I don’t want to,” I whisper.

  He gives me a concerned look and whispers, “What’s wrong, princess? Tell me how you feel.”

  I pull away from his grasp and stand up straight. “Nothing. I feel fine,” I say with a serious tone, trying my best to keep a straight face.

  He gently pushes by me and slips into my room. Will walks to my bed and sits down. I stand, not wanting to make him think I’m actually upset. And why on earth does he think he can just waltz into my room and make himself at home?

  “If you don’t tell me what’s up, if you keep this kind of emotion stuck inside of you it won’t end well,” Will explains softly, “I know from personal experience.”

  “I’m fine. I already told you,” I give him a snarky look, no matter how much I don’t want it to be there.

  He makes a surprised look and stands from his spot, “What’s up with that look? Did I say something?”

  “Actually, you did,” I mutter under my breath. I don’t mean to be mean, but what he said really hurt me.

  Will glares and crosses his arms over his chest, “What the hell, Alice? I said I’m sorry! I even said that I love you!”

  I turn to him and ask loudly, “Since when is sorry enough? And how do I even know to trust you with that? How can I believe that you really love me?”

  His face is starting to turn red from anger and he spits, “You know, I think you’re right about Red and me. I should show her around in my room,” He gives me a smirk, but this one is different. This one is cold and cruel; that of heartless anger. This one is meant to hurt me.

  “Will, how can you say that to me? Didn’t you just say you love me?” I say with a hurt cry.

  He is breathing heavily now, clearly anxious and what is probably more self doubt than anything else. A history of self pity and hatred will do that to someone like him. After what he grew up with, I expect this sometimes. Only sometimes.

  I cannot understand though, I bet he doesn’t want to feel this way or snap at me like this, but by how red his face is, it seems as though something is constricting his throat, like someone is whispering into his ear that I don’t want to be with him.

  “Now you care?” He says spitefully.

  “I’ve been caring! You know how I reacted to you two just hugging! And aren’t you the one who said that you don’t want to be with her?” I am getting seriously riled.

  “It’s not my fault that I’m reacting to you being all bitchy lately,” Will snarls.

  I can feel the tears threatening to fall but I bite my tongue trying to make them stay hidden. “What’s wrong with you? I don’t know what I did wrong!” I cry.

  “Right, because of course it was all me,” He rolls his eyes.

  I suck in a deep shaky breath and whisper, “Please, stop! You don’t realize what you’re doing! What happened to us?”

  “Us? This isn’t anything, this is nothing,” He says it so flatly and devoid of emotion that I am taken aback.

  “Will...”

  He turns away from me and stomps to the door. He doesn’t look back, as he slams the door. I stand there staring at the door. I jog to the door and slowly open it. I can still see him. He runs a hand through his hair and balls up his fists. He really is tormented. I feel a tear trickle down my cheeks.

  Even if he is twisted and tortured inside, how can he say something so horrible? Everything is running through my mind and I don’t know what to think, I just stare at him hoping he would turn around and apologize. I stare until his figure disappears, turning around the corner of the long hallway.

  “God damn it, Will,” I let out a sob and slam the door shut. I walk to my bed and collapse down onto it.

  I cannot take it personally. He has been molded into this person for half of his life. Still, it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. I wipe my ey
es and pull my knees up to my chest. I want to be there for him and only him, even though he is the one doing the stomping.

  I cannot let what he said get to me. I stay cuddle in the bed, pulling the blanket over my shivering body even though it is a hot summer day.

  After sitting and sobbing for what feels like years, I turn to the clock that sits on the wall. It is nearly twenty past eight. Surely, Will is going to show up; he didn’t mean what he said. He didn’t mean what he said, he didn’t mean what he said, he didn’t mean what he said. I keep on telling myself that over and over in my mind.

  Minutes pass and I pace the room, I do the laundry, and I take the pictures out of Eric’s chest. Minutes turn into another hour. It isn’t long before I find it hard to conjure up the strength to do much more. I plop down on my bed and let out a sad whimper.

  He isn’t going to show up.

  But we had something, didn’t we? I think about going to go take a walk, but somehow nothing will cheer me up at this moment. I feel something with him, something different, special... and it turns out it is just a little nothing. He said it, didn’t he? It is nothing.

  I cannot help but let the tears flow as I try to fall asleep.

  It is so much more than nothing to me.

  …

  The night passes by slowly; I think it will never end. I toss and turn during the night, wanting to rest but knowing that if my eyes close, I will see the horrid dreams of the night. My mind is racing and my anxiety has hit the roof.

  At around 2:00 a.m. I get up from bed and pace the room. I pace until the world won’t stop spinning and a draft is created. My legs become sore, and I crash back into bed. The time is now 5:00 a.m. I barely got any sleep, but since it’s just early morning it wouldn’t be suspicious if I walk around the base. I jump from bed and look at myself in the mirror. Dark bags are under my eyes and my eyes also are red and puffy from crying myself to sleep. I quickly brush my hair, and tie it in a messy ponytail.

  I open the door and jog outside into the hall. I shove my hands in my pockets as I walk around silently. Luckily, I don’t see anyone walking around, so I am alone. I slowly walk down the stairs with ease. It actually is calming for me by walking around by myself pushing my thoughts away and thinking about what lies ahead. I make it outside and smile at the nice and cool air. I look at the sky and smile; the stars stare down at me and feel bad for me. They take pity on me, and light up the darkness to show me that they’re here for me.