She shook her head again. “No. No, you’re wrong. I do need you.”
If only it were true. “You’ll be fine. You’re headed home day after tomorrow anyway.”
“I won’t, Ryder.”
“You will.” I didn’t know why she was so convinced. “He’s gone away. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“I’m not worried about him!” she cried.
“What are you worried about then?” I asked, totally confused.
“You!”
“What?”
“I… You. Us. I can’t leave it like this.”
“Like what? You want one more frolick in the hay before I leave?” I sounded frosty, but I didn’t care.
“No. I want… I like you, Ryder.”
“Well, good. Hate fuck’s not really my style.”
“No. I mean… I want to see if this could be something. No one cares.” She threw her hands in the air and laughed like it was a good thing. “They don’t care. It doesn’t matter. I was worried about nothing. I denied how I felt about you for no reason. But I fell for you, Ryder. Totally, absolutely enamoured with you. So, I thought I might spend some time in Adelaide for a while and we can see where this goes?”
She was standing in front of me, saying all the things I wanted someone to say. Saying all the things I hadn’t let myself believe I was worth for so many years. Saying all the things I wanted to hear her say.
But there was a bitter tinge to it. I couldn’t lie.
I’d tried not paying attention to what the news was saying about us, what her fans’ reaction was. I’d tried telling myself it didn’t matter what other people thought about us. But it did. To her.
And I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was only saying them now because the world had told her it was okay. The world was on board, so now she could get on board.
After everything I’d been through in my life, after years of crippling inner pain, I finally believed I deserved better than that. I deserved to be wanted despite what other people said was okay, not because.
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Nora,” I told her, my voice catching slightly. “It does matter. I care.” I shook my head again, everything in me screaming at me to shut up but I ploughed on anyway. “I care you couldn’t see that before the rest of the world told you it was okay to be with me…”
I got where it came from; that need for external validation and the crippling fear of losing it and ending up with nothing and no one. I got it. But I didn’t need external validation when it came to her. I didn’t need to even tell my closest mates she existed before I knew I wanted to make a go of it with her. That’s how sure I was about it.
I knew what anxiety did. I knew it fucked things up, made you make choices you regretted later. I knew how it could paralyse you. But I couldn’t shake this feeling of betrayal. I couldn’t see clearly beyond my own pain. I was blinded by this feeling that I was making progress with my self-growth and this just shat all over what I was finally believing about myself.
“I care I wasn’t enough,” I said softly. “I deserve to be enough.”
Maybe it was self-love. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was time to put me first. Maybe it was the wrong time to put me first. Maybe my emotional range had hit tablespoon proportions. Maybe there was a piece of me that was using my new virtues as a crutch to continue old habits and keep me in my place.
But I wouldn’t know what it was because I didn’t stay to find out. I walked away. I walked away from the first woman I could see myself happy with, and I kicked myself the whole way.
17
Nora
I’d deserved that. I knew it. I’d been too weak to go for what I wanted without external approval and validation. I’d been so caught up in maintaining my image, being liked, that I’d chosen that over someone who could like me for all of me; old, new, famous, hidden.
A recent old me would have gone into defensive mode. I would have told myself that he wasn’t worth it, wasn’t worth my time. I would have turned it back on him. I would have repeated ‘he doesn’t matter’ to myself until I believed it.
But he did matter.
He was worth it.
He was enough.
It might have hurt that he didn’t trust my feelings for him when I expressed them to him. But I could also understand why he didn’t trust them. I understood he had a duty to protect himself. It was about time he protected himself.
Just because he’d walked away didn’t mean he felt nothing for me.
In fact, part of me hoped that, by needing to walk away, it showed just how much he did care and how much he’d have to lose if he trusted me.
Now all I had to do was show him I meant it.
Which was easier said than done.
I was back in the States and he was in sleepy little Adelaide.
With weeks of post-tour interviews coming up, I was starting to wonder if maybe it was a good thing we’d left things the way they were. We both had obligations on opposite sides of the world. I didn’t expect him to drop his for me, and I couldn’t just up and leave Valjean.
“For all that’s fucking holy, shut up, Nate!” Brax huffed as they walked into the room.
“Hear me out,” Nate said. “Coop’s really good. We could 2Cellos this shit.”
“No. You want to make a whole album based off classical music. Not the same.”
“Nora?” Nate pleaded.
“Not getting involved guys,” I told them.
“Tell him to at least consider it.”
“I’m not fucking turning my guitar into a violin. It wouldn’t even work.”
“How do you know unless you try it?”
“I don’t need to try it. They’re two separate instruments.”
“With that attitude they are.”
“Still not going for it?” Coop asked as he wandered in.
“I’ve tried everything.”
“You followed me to the loo, struck a jazz hands pose and said ‘guitars, but wait for it, with bows…’,” Brax said. “I thought you meant ribbons.”
Nate pointed at him. “Could also work!”
“You are allowed a holiday,” Cooper said. “Look at Zach.”
We did.
Zach was asleep under his book and snoring softly.
“I don’t need a holiday. I need to work,” Nate said, always itching to go, never able to sit still.
“You ever thought that maybe you use work as a distraction from an unsatisfactory personal life?” I asked him.
“Ouch,” Nate said slowly. “Nora definitely needs a holiday.”
“Nora needs a bottle of Jack and five minutes peace,” I said as I stood up and walked out.
But maybe Nate was right. Maybe I did need a holiday.
The last tour would have been hectic enough without the stalker threat and without the added emotional complication of Ryder.
I felt like I was at breaking point. Something had to give if I wasn’t going to completely implode. I already felt like I’d given up so much. I’d given up my freedom when Valjean had gone worldwide. I’d given up any kind of private life. I’d given up who I was – although that hadn’t been entirely on purpose. And I’d not so much as given up as not given a chance to a guy who I could have had something very real with.
All for the sake of not putting other people out. All for the sake of being too scared to step into the uncertainty outside my comfort zone.
I was starting to get an inkling of how I could repair not only any chance of a relationship with Ryder, but also repair my relationship with myself.
Ryder had learnt to put himself first. Maybe at the worst possible time for me, but he’d done it. It was time I learnt to put myself first.
18
Ryder
“Hey,” I said when she answered the phone.
“How are you?”
I nodded, not that she could see it. “Fine. You?”
“I’m…y
eah. I’m good.” A pause as she grumbled and chastised her brother in the background. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“You guys are probably super busy right now?”
I sounded whiny. I didn’t do whiny.
“Well…” she said slowly. “Dinner is like…three hours away and I’m supposed to be attempting a pavlova.”
“All good.”
“No. Why?” I think she’d cottoned onto my tone.
I sighed. “Nah, Bert,” I told Hawk’s little sister. “Bad timing. Dunno know why I called… All good, I’ll see you at your parents’ in a bit.”
A door closed in the background. “Ryder Andrews,” she said in her brook-no-argument voice. “What’s the matter?”
“I…have an errand to run. I guess you could call it. I was kinda hoping for some…”
“Backup?” she suggested.
“Yeah. Why not.”
“Okay…” She sounded like she was thinking so I didn’t interrupt. “Text me where you want to meet me and give me… Uh… Pat does a better pav anyway… Give me fifteen minutes, plus travel time.”
I smiled. “You sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. We’ll head straight to Mum and Dad’s from there. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, Bert.”
“Brother of my brother,” she said and I heard Chaos’ words echoing in hers.
As I hung up, I wondered again why Hawk had been so against his little sister and his best friend hooking up. I got that there was the whole behind his back thing, but Kit Grayson and Amber Grace were so perfect for each other you’d be forgiven for thinking they were literally made for each other. It was as gross as it was inspiring.
Given I was far closer to our destination than Bert, I hung about the house aimlessly until it was time to leave, which I missed by ten minutes. I was still there before Bert, though.
Finally, Bert hurried up the street with a wave. “I know, I’m late. Kit thought I was being squirelly and I couldn’t get out.” She gave me a hug. “Okay, so why did you want to meet at…” She looked around. “A cat café?” I couldn’t tell if she was amused or if she wasn’t sure we were in the right place.
I shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m getting myself a Christmas present.”
She looked at the café, then at me, back to the café, then back to me. “You’re getting yourself a cat for Christmas?” she asked.
I nodded. “I’m getting myself a cat for Christmas.”
“A cat? For Christmas?” she repeated.
“Yes. A cat. For Christmas. Problem?” I huffed.
“No.” She shook her head and I could see she was hiding a smile. “No. Not at all.”
“Seriously? What is so hilarious about me getting a cat?”
“Nothing until you got all weird about it.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t get weird about it.”
“You got weird about me getting weird about it.”
“Okay. So, I think there’s something weird about me getting a cat.”
“Yeah, I’ll say,” Bert chuckled.
“So, you do think it’s weird!” I accused her.
She shrugged as she made for the door. “Only because I thought you were a dog person.”
That made me pause. “What exactly about me says dog person?” I asked her as I followed her inside.
She was already looking at the kittens. “I dunno. You just kinda scream dog person energy. Maybe it’s ‘cos you’re so boisterous?”
“I haven’t felt particularly boisterous lately,” I said as we looked at the little balls of floof, incredibly sombre for me.
“No,” she agreed. “I’ve noticed.”
I sighed. “I’ve tried not to be.”
Bert put her hand on my arm. “They understand. You should talk to them.”
I nodded, knowing what she meant.
It seemed, one by one, the boys of Grace Grayson Security were having epiphany moments. And, one by one, these epiphany moments called for us to suck it up an get vulnerable with each other. I wasn’t averse to vulnerability. It had a time and a place. But I preferred that time and place to not be in the near future.
We wandered around, had coffee, and played with the kittens while I tried to pick one.
“They’re all super cute,” I said to Bert.
“You can’t take them all home.”
“How many am I allowed before I become a crazy cat dude?”
“I think the established number is three.”
“Three?” I asked and she nodded. “I guess I’ll have to get them one at a time then.”
There was one particular kitten who was trying to fight my shoelace. He – judging by the colour of his collar – was a fluffy tabby with hair sticking up at all angles. I picked him up and he mewed almost like it was a challenge.
“What about this guy?” I asked Bert, holding him out to her.
He licked her nose and she smiled. “I like him.”
“I’m going to call him Arnold.”
“Rimmer?” Bert asked.
I rolled my eyes. “Schwarzenegger.”
“Duh,” she said.
“Duh,” I agreed.
Arnold wouldn’t be ready to take home for another couple of days. It was a stupid rule, but suited me fine because then I could get everything ready for him. So, I paid for him and watched the café staff put a little sold marker on his collar, gave him one more hug, and Bert and I left arm-in-arm.
“How long until I see a kitten at the Grace-Grayson penthouse?” I joked.
“Uh, a while. I can barely look after myself, let alone a small being.”
“Isn’t that what Chaos is for?” I teased.
She nodded. “Uh, yes. Definitely. But I’d like him to have less responsibility, not more. And full time caring for my academic butt is a rather large responsibility.”
“I’d thank you to keep your bedroom shenanigans to yourself.”
She elbowed me playfully. “Funny.”
I nodded. “I know.”
We laughed and headed for her parents’ place where everyone would soon be for the newly annual Grace-Grayson family Christmas do.
We walked in and Angus Grayson did a double-take.
“Toady!” I cried, my arms open.
I might have felt like utter and absolute crap, but it was my duty to make sure everyone had a good time.
“You’re not my brother,” he said, still looking between me and Bert like he was confused about something.
“No,” Bert said, her mouth already full of whatever her Mum was working on in the kitchen. “I had to help Rollie with a top-secret mission.”
“What gave it away?” I asked Angus. “Was it that I’m just too damn good looking to be your brother?” I gave him a wink.
“That is definitely it,” Chaos said from behind me.
“That you, Rollie?” I heard Bert and Hawk’s mum call from the kitchen.
“Hey, Mags!”
“Rollie, dear, can you grab the square platter off the table in the front dining room?” That was Chaos’ mum Angela.
“Can do.”
From there, it was hustle and bustle. Same as any dinner with the Grace Grayson clans. Phil and Rich made sure nothing on the BBQ or Webber got burnt. It was purely for show, while their wives were finishing things off inside. The kids tried to all hang in the backyard, but were put to use fetching and carrying for Angela and Mags whenever they were caught inside after another drink.
The whole atmosphere was of one big happy family, both blood and chosen.
Raegan was having her first Grace Grayson party, but she fit in like she’d been to every single one. Nico sat back in his usual corner chair and watched her bubble over excitedly.
Leah and Hawk were there, being as mushy as usual.
Chaos and Bert were even worse.
Angus, Tank and I were the only singletons left at the ball.
/> Seeing all the happy couples was a little painful, I wasn’t going to lie. I knew for certain now that I wanted someone special of my own. I wholeheartedly believed I was worth it, that I could have it. I also, for a fleeting moment, thought I’d found that someone. But I’d done a typical Rollie and gone and fucked it up.
I should have known the boys would notice my mood and feel something had to be done about it.
“Come on,” Hawk nudged me as he passed me a beer. “How you feeling? What’s up? Who needs a beating?”
“How about me?” I asked, tipping the beer to my lips.
Chaos nodded thoughtfully as he took a sip. “Can be arranged. But is it what you really want?”
“You know what I want,” I told him in a huff.
Another nod, this one from Hawk. “That I do.” He clapped me on the back. “We’ve all been there, man.”
I looked at Leah on the other side of his parents’ backyard and gave a resigned sigh.
They had. Well, all except Tank. They’d all hit their low points where they thought it wasn’t going to work out with their girls. We might not have known Chaos’ for what it was when it happened. We might have thought Hawk was overreacting a little. We might have been in awe when it was Nico’s turn.
“Well, now it’s my turn, apparently,” I grumbled.
“Talk to us, Rollie,” Chaos said softly.
I shrugged. “What’s there to talk about? At least when you wankers fell for a girl, she lived in the same country as you. Nora and I could have had something. But we’ll never know because I ‘wanted more’ and walked away. Now she’s back in the States and I’m here in sunny old, unchanging Adelaide.”
“Have you tried talking to her?”
I looked at him. “How am I going to do that?” I mimed putting my phone to my ear. “‘Yup. Nora, hey. Sorry. Look, my bad. I maybe shouldn’t have thought I deserved something more and walked away. Shall one of us hop on a plane for a million years and we can talk this thing through?’”
“He still bitching?” Nico asked as he came up to us.
“I’ll show you bitching. Right in the face,” I warned him.
Nico hid a smirk behind his drink. “What? I thought maybe we’d moved onto the planning phase.”
Rollie & the Rocker (Grace Grayson Security Book 4) Page 10