by Wil Wheaton
As we took our seats, she came over to our table: a classically beautiful girl in her early 20s. Long, jet black hair, flawless skin, long legs. Hooters. Her name tag said “Jessica.”
She sat on my lap and flirted with us as she took our order, all smiles and giggles. We ordered chili fries and anticipated a spirited game of “pull my finger” later on.
She stood up and left to put in our order. After a few steps, she stopped and turned around. She looked right at me and said, “You’re Wil Wheaton, aren’t you?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I thought to myself. “This can not be happening to me again.”
My throat went dry. My face flushed and my pulse quickened. “Yeah,” I croaked, bracing myself.
She screwed up her courage and slowly walked back to our table. She leaned close to me and rested her hand on my thigh, her full, pouting lips just inches from mine. A simple silver chain encircled her neck, her hazel eyes were ringed with gold, and she smelled like Springtime. Her ample cleavage seductively longed to bust out from beneath her thin cotton T-shirt as she said, breathlessly, “I love your website. You’re a great writer.”
Appendix A. The WWdN FAQ
THE FAQ IS BROKEN DOWN into the following categories:
Star Trek
Stand By Me
Other Movies and Television
The Site
Other Questions
STAR TREK
Why’d you quit?
The following is reprinted from the best interview[17] I ever did:
Here’s the absolute truth why I left Star Trek. I left Star Trek because it was seriously interfering with my career in feature films. I was in a situation where I was constantly having to pass on really good movie roles because I was on the series. I had a film career before Star Trek. People knew me before Star Trek. As a matter of fact, at Comic Con, a lot of people came up to me and said, “I started watching Star Trek because you were on it and I was fan of yours from Stand By Me. I stopped watching it after you left.” I had a lot of people say that to me.
After something like this had happened a lot of times, I finally had the last straw: I had been cast by Milos Foreman to be in Valmont. I had gone through lots and lots of callbacks, I had met Milos personally a number of times, and he was really supportive of me and told me, “I want you in my movie.” I was going to go to Paris, I was going to be in this movie and stuff, and we were going to shoot it during the hiatus. The shooting schedule for Valmont would have carried me over about a week into the regular season schedule into Star Trek. I would have had to sit out the first episode of the year, right. That’s not a big deal, it’s not like I’m the fuckin’ Captain, you know. At that point, I was the guy who pushed buttons and said, “Yes, sir!” So, I said to the people on Star Trek, “I need to be written out of this particular episode, because I’m going to do this movie and my film career’s going to take off.” This is after Gene Roddenberry had died. Had Gene been alive, it would have been no problem at all, because Gene was that kind of guy. Gene would have said, “Great! Go ahead, you do what you need to do,” because he was that kind of person. After Gene died, a very different type of person took over, and he said, “We can’t write you out because the first episode of the season is all about you. It focuses entirely on your character and it’s your story...” I said, “Well, this really sucks, but I’m under contract to you guys and if that’s your call and if that’s what you say I have to do, I have to do.” I had to pass on the movie.
A couple of days before the season was ready to premiere, they wrote me out of the episode entirely. They were sending me a message. The message was, “We own you. Don’t you ever try to do anything without us.” That was the last straw for me. I called my agents and said, “They don’t own me. It’s time for me to leave this show. It’s time for me to be gone.” That’s what really pushed me over the edge. It’s not worth it anymore. That’s why I left.
But Gene was alive then. You’re a liar!
Many people have pointed this fact out to me, and you’re right. Gene was alive. But he was in poor health, and wasn’t heavily involved in the production of the show at that time. That’s why I thought that he had already died when I did that interview. Hey, I make mistakes. Too bad I don’t have FOX News to help me cover them up.
Will you be in any of the movies?
Well, I worked for two days on Star Trek X (Star Trek OSX.1, if you’re a Mac user), but my scene was cut. Maybe it will be on the DVD.
I bought the DVD, and you’re not on it! You’re not even in the full-screen version!
Well what the hell are you doing buying a full-screen version of anything?
I am quite surprised that they didn’t include my scene on the DVD, to be quite honest, and I have no idea why they didn’t. It certainly lends some weight to the theory that TPTB really have it out for me, doesn’t it?
What is your favorite episode?
My favorite episode to watch is “The Inner Light.” Picard gets zapped by a beam of alien light. Although he’s unconscious only for a few minutes on the Enterprise, he lives out an entire life on another planet.
My favorite episode that I worked on is “The First Duty,” because it was one of the few times I got to work with actors my own age. Robbie McNeill, who was on Voyager, played opposite me in that episode, and we had hella fun. Hella hella hella. Robbie told me that he had been on a soap, and the producers had created this character arc for him where he was to work with this other actor most of the time. Apparently, they had so much fun and made each other laugh so much that the producers rewrote the entire character arc to made sure they’d never be in any scenes together for the rest of the series. It’s because I liked Robbie so much that I can’t crack on Voyager too hard, even though it sucks.
Did it bother you that the fans didn’t like Wesley?
Yes, at the time, it really really did. Imagine being a teenager, trying to handle all the things a teenager has to deal with. Now multiply that times being on a HUGE TV show and having all these people hate you. It was tough.
Although, I recently realized something. At the time, I kept saying to people, “It’s a TV show! Don’t take it so seriously! It’s just a character!” But at the same time, I really was taking it seriously, as well as personally. And it hurt. But I didn’t handle myself with much grace, which I think echoes Wesley’s situation: he had the intellectual capacity to be with these adults, but not the emotional capacity. It was the same for me, in real life. I’ve written some things about it in my weblog, and I write extensively about it in my forthcoming [this] book, Just a Geek.[18]
I hated Wesley!
Really? He always had such nice things to say about you.
Is it true that you were really Ashley Judd’s first onscreen kiss, and you ruined her for the rest of her life?
Yep. It is 100% true. Ashley Judd played Robin Lefler in the episode “The Game,” and Uncle Willie went to bootytown. And by bootytown, I mean when the cameras stopped rolling, we were just two actors doing a scene. Only one of us had a boner.
Do you stay in touch with any of the cast members?
I wish I could say that we hang out all the time, but that’s just not the case. I really, really like all of them, and the cast is the thing I miss the most about working on Star Trek. The thing is, when we all worked together on the show, I was a lame-ass teenager, and they were all cool adults in their 30s, so it’s not like we had a lot of similar interests. Now that I’m a cool adult in my late 20s, they’re all old and in their 40s, so they are *so* uncool. Just kidding. Truth is, when I am around them, I feel like I am a lame-ass teenager all over again, and I clam up. I once told Patrick how I felt so lame, because I felt like I didn’t appreciate them when I was younger, and I wished that I had. Patrick put his hand on my shoulder and said, “My dear, I always related to you and thought of you as a fine actor.” Patrick is very cool.
Was anyone a dick?
No. believe it or not, nobody was
a dick. Everyone was very, very cool. When you’re on a show like that, you spend about 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, together. Some shows will have a prima donna or 4, but we never did.
Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that?
Do you need a time out, mister? What did I just say?
Can I see you at any of those conventions?
You sure can. I am doing a few conventions every year, mostly on the West Coast, so I don’t have to travel too far from home. You should check the conventions page (http://www.wilwheaton.net/cons.php) to find out if I’m coming to a hotel conference center near you any time soon!
What do you think of Enterprise?
I loved it when it started. However, I don’t like the way it’s gone at all, and I don’t watch it any more.
Hey, I watched Weakest Link. What was that all about?
Heh. Well, see, Weakest Link is all about making people look bad and making Anne Robinson look good. I thought that I’d have fun with her by being even ruder and more offensive than she is. I thought the best way to accomplish this would be to play a condescending A-hole.
Mission. Accomplished. >:-)
So you aren’t really an asshole?
Well, that depends on who you ask.
WTF is up with you and Roxanne Dawson?
Well, that was all a joke, too. I guess the producers decided to really make her look bad with the interview they chose. She is a really cool person, and everything between us is fine. But thanks for asking.
STAND BY ME
Were the leeches real?
They sure were. Can you imagine the shit Rob Reiner got for putting REAL LEECHES on 12-year-olds? I mean, I still have a scar from that scene, if you get my drift. He tried to run us over with the train and make sleeping bags out of our skin, too. Oh, and everything I wrote between the words “They” and “too” is a lie. Please replace that with, “No, you dumb shit. Do you actually think they’d put real leeches on a bunch of kids? Why don’t you just admit that you’re a sick fuck who wants to hear me talk about my junk?” Thank you.
Was the train real?
Strangely enough, the train was fake. We never once, in the entire production, used a real train. Something about unions. Oh, and for the sake of this answer, please replace the word “fake” with “real and scary.” You can pretend the line about unions doesn’t exist, unless it made you laugh. If it made you laugh, I’d like you to send me a dollar. Comedy isn’t cheap, you know.
Were you scared?
Even stranger than the fake trains (which were all made from cardboard and tin foil placed over a wooden chassis pushed by twelve midgets) was my abject fear of them. Particularly when we shot the running-across-the-trestle sequence. The stunt coordinator, Rick Barker, likes to tell this really funny story about how he put Jerry and me on the tracks and had the train about 50 feet behind us, traveling at something like 4 miles per hour. We were running towards a 500-mm lens, so it would look like the (fake) train was right up our asses. Well, when you’re 12, and you’re standing on a train track, and there is a train behind you, I don’t care how slow it’s going—if it’s moving at all, it is scary as shit. So Rick has us on the tracks, making us wait to run. In the dailies, you can see Jerry and me, with tears running down our faces, turning off camera, saying “Can we go yet? Can we go yet?”
What a couple of wimps we were. Oh, and my stunt double for that sequence was a woman, because I was so skinny and whatnot. The rest of the cast (bastards) had a field day with that one.
How was it working with Rob Reiner?
It was awesome. I always say that Rob deserves all the credit for Stand By Me being the wonderful movie that it was. He really knew how to communicate with 4 12-year-olds (I have a hard enough time communicating with my *own* 12-year-old) and had the good sense to cast kids who were more or less exactly like their characters.
And here is something about Rob: he always made me feel like I deserved to be on that set. He never made me feel like I was a snot-faced kid (which I was), and he always treated me like an equal. I wish more directors were like Rob, and less like complete A-holes.
How was it working with River Phoenix?
River was really, really cool. At the time, I looked up to him because he was such a cool guy.
He was a wonderful actor and a wonderful person, and it really fucking sucks that nobody tried to stop him from becoming a complete junkie.
When I see the bullshit hacks who are passing for young, hot actors these days, I really miss River. Because he was a REAL actor, not a prepackaged bunch of hype and marketing.
How was it working with Corey Feldman?
Corey was a huge pain in the ass, but I don’t think that was entirely his fault. Corey was a product of his environment. His parents were really into that whole “My kid is famous” thing When we shot Stand By Me, they didn’t even stay in Oregon with him; they hired a woman that he didn’t even know to be his guardian.
I think Corey was an angry kid who was in a lot of emotional pain. Rob Reiner confirmed that for me when I asked him, “Why did you hire Corey? He’s such a pain in the ass!” Rob said, “Corey was the only actor we saw who had enough anger bottled up inside of him to play this role.”
During that summer in Oregon, Corey (and River) began their love affair with the drugs. River’s dead now, and Corey has been sober for something like 10 years. I understand that he’s doing everything he can to get his career back on track.
Do you stay in touch with any of the other actors?
Not really. River is dead, Jerry is like a multimillionaire movie star, so we live in different worlds, and Corey is . . . well . . . Corey.
Why isn’t there a commentary from you, Wil Wheaton, on the DVD?
Because Columbia/TriStar was afraid that I, Wil Wheaton, would bring the noise and testify! Because The Man couldn’t stand to have me, Wil Wheaton, stand up and let the word ring out from the DVD box!
OTHER WORK
The Curse: what were you thinking?
Well, at the time, I was just a young’un and some really evil producers from a scary foreign country came to me and said, “We have this movie for you to be in, and we want to give you lots of money to be in it.” And I didn’t have the best advisors at the time, and nobody told me that this big pile of shit would be around forever. Consider it a very expensive lesson. At least I didn’t get a tattoo.
THE SITE
What’s with the quotes all over the place?
I like to quote things. The old site had more random quotes than this one does. Maybe I’ll have a “name the quote” contest someday.
Do you really run this site on your own?
Yep. I am what you call a “Type-A control freak.” You can view the source code if you doubt me. I figure that if this site is going to represent me, I should be run it.
Who hosts your site?
Logjamming. They are the coolest guys, ever.
Why’d you put a porn link on your site?! You’re squeeky clean!
Because I wanted to upset you, mom.
What’s with the autoresponse?
The autoresponse is no more, but people who e-mailed me used to get the following:
From: [email protected] Subject: Automated reply from [email protected] Hey! Don't you hate autoresponders, $GOOD_FRIEND? I know that I do, and I would *never* dream of sending an autoresponse to anyone, not $MUTUAL_FRIEND, or $OTHER_MUTUAL_FRIEND, or even, $ENEMY. You know, $THING_YOU_EMAILED_ABOUT really was ${fVAR=TRUE_FALSE)! It reminded me of $INTERESTING STORY. Well, I have to get back to ${fVAR WORK_PLAY_SCHEMING}, $GOOD_FRIEND, so I'd better sign off. $CLEVER_PERSONAL_CLOSING, Wil
So are you going to reply to my e-mail or what?
Sadly, the answer to this question is most likely no. I really do read everything that is sent to me, but I just don’t have the time anymore to personally reply to everyone who e-mails. I used to be able to keep up with it, but the time just isn’t there anymore, between my commitments to wor
k and my family.
OTHER QUESTIONS
Why don’t you talk about Toy Soldiers in this FAQ?
When I wrote this FAQ originally, I didn’t realize that so many people were interested in Toy Soldiers. I’ll get around to writing all about it very soon.
Is it true that you’re married?
Yep. My wife, Anne, and I have been married since 1999.
So you’re not gay?
I am not gay. But thanks for asking.
Wait. I heard that you and...
Yeah, I heard that too. And since I read it on the Internet, it must be true, right?
So why don’t you post lots of pictures of your stepkids on the site?
I prefer to keep them out of the limelight. That’s why it’s called WIL WHEATON dot NET, not WIL WHEATON AND HIS STEPKIDS dot NET. Seriously, I expect everyone to respect my limits and my stepkids’ privacy.
I want to be an actor. Do you have any advice?
Yes, I do: study, study, study. Read the classic plays and see the great movies. And for the love of Bob, study with a great teacher! Get yourself into some sort of acting program or workshop. Just avoid anything that tells you they’ll give you a free book by L. Ron Hubbard. It’s a scheme to recruit you into Scientology.