“All I want is to keep things steady for her. To give her a home where she can count on being surrounded by people who love her. A real family, you know? Like mine used to be.” Though after Robert’s stories even that didn’t feel as solid as it once had. “Like yours always has been.”
The lift of his eyebrows reminded her that his own family wasn’t all sweetness and light all the time, either. But, smart man, he chose to ignore that. “She’s going to have that.”
“Is she? I’m doing my best, but I keep remembering what it was like for me after my dad died, when there was always some new boyfriend we had to work around.” She kicked at a tuft of grass. “That does things to a kid.”
“Darce. As long as she has you in her corner, and sees that you and Xander both want what’s best for her, she’s going to be fine.”
“I don’t know. Everything’s been tilted sideways, with Xander showing up and you getting ready to move and us coming here and—”
He touched the end of her nose. “May I remind you that some of those changes have been a long time coming? And frickin’ amazing, to boot.”
Now it was her turn to blush.
“You know, this might be a good time to start getting Helene more involved. To give Cady that feeling of continuity and family, I mean.”
She couldn’t hold back the snort. “Nonny made her disapproval obvious when I told her I was pregnant. You really think it will help to pull her in now that Cady’s ex-con father is in the picture?”
“Darce,” he began. “Did you ever think that maybe—”
“Hey, Darcy!”
She jerked back, swiveling to see Xander jogging toward them, reassured by the sight of Cady bouncing softly in his arms.
What now?
Xander halted before them. “Good news.”
She seriously doubted it.
“I didn’t want to say anything before in case it didn’t work out, but once I found out about Cady, I started talking to folks to see if I could change the plan. It took some convincing and pleading, but I just got the official word.” He tossed his hair from his eyes. “Long story short, that job I lined up in cottage country? Not happening. Instead, I’ve got the official go-ahead to set up permanent camp in Stratford.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THE RIDE BACK to the house was a lot quieter than Ian would have predicted just two minutes before Xander dropped his bomb. Sure, Cady laughed in the back while Xander played peekaboo with her, and Lulu barked every time they slowed for a turn, but in the front seat, silence was the name of the game.
Xander was staying in Stratford.
This wasn’t going to be something confined and convenient, emails and Skype and occasional visits. This was going to be everyday life. Regular time together. Two bedrooms for Cady, two parents to share in her care and go to teacher conferences and cheer at her soccer games.
It was the kind of family that worked for a lot of folks. But it wasn’t what Darcy wanted.
He hit the stoplight in front of the strip mall, swallowed down the sour taste in his mouth and checked on her. One hand reached back through the seats and gripped Cady’s foot. She stared out the window, but he was pretty sure that this time around she wasn’t seeing a thing. All he wanted was to make this easier for her, but, God, how?
The light turned green. He pulled forward and tried to think about what lay ahead. The details of integrating Xander into Cady’s life—that, he knew, she could manage. There were airlines that could take scheduling lessons from her. It would take time, but she would find the right balance for all of them.
But emotionally...
“You guys okay up there?” Xander interrupted his game of backseat peekaboo to lean forward. “You’re mighty quiet all of a sudden.”
“Fine.” This wasn’t Xander’s fault. For the love of Pete, the guy hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, other than his little dance with felons, but when it came to stepping up, meeting the unexpected twist of instant parenthood, anyone would have to admit that Xander was behaving way above expectations.
Anyone except Darcy.
Xander wasn’t going to be like those guys who had wandered in and out of Sylvie’s life. He probably wasn’t going to be the parental paragon Darcy thought her dad had been, but the more Ian saw, the more he believed that Xander would do right by Cady.
What wasn’t going to help would be if Darcy continued to pay lip service to integrating Xander into Cady’s life.
I keep remembering what it was like for me after my dad died, when there was always some new boyfriend we had to work around.
Unless—
Unless he himself was the one who might be in the way.
* * *
AS SOON AS they pulled into the driveway, Darcy said something about a diaper, grabbed Cady and headed inside. Away from the drama and the worry and the reminder, each time Xander spoke, that everything was spinning away from her.
Away from everyone.
Alone in the bedroom, she locked the door and dropped to the bed. Cady, blissfully oblivious, let loose with a giggle as they bounced on the mattress. That small sound of delight was Darcy’s undoing. She rolled to her back, Cady tight against her chest.
“You’re mine,” she whispered against the blond wisps that had escaped from Cady’s hot-pink barrette. “Mine.”
As if to make a lie of her mother’s words, Cady wriggled against the tight embrace. Darcy loosened her grip just enough for Cady to rise up on her elbows with a drooly grin.
“I grew you.” Darcy traced a line down Cady’s nose. “I carried you and felt you kick and ate all that yucky kale to make sure you turned out perfect. I’m the one who went through labor and made milk for you and rearranged my whole life, and I would do it again, every single day, if it would keep him from...”
Stratford. Permanent.
She lifted Cady in the air, high above her. “Maybe we could run away,” she whispered. “He probably can’t leave the country, but we could still go somewhere, right? And come back for visits, because I don’t want to keep you away from him totally. Well, I kind of do, but then the lawyers would get mad at me.”
She curled up to kiss one chubby hand, dangling above her like the most delicious apple ever grown.
“What do you say we go to London, huh? My mom took me there a lot. She has a flat there. We could probably stay in it. Kick Matteo the boy toy to the curb and move in, just us. I could show you Winnie the Pooh’s house, and we could watch the horses go clop clop clop when they change the guard.” She emphasized the clopping with some extra bounces that made Cady giggle hard, the chortling kind of laugh that took over her whole body and made it shake.
“Okay. It’s decided. London it is. We’ll run away, just us, you and me and—”
Ian.
“Just us. No fathers who show up out of the blue and expect to be part of your everyday life.” She bounced Cady up and down, pulling forth a squeal. “Ooh, hold on, turbulence! And don’t give me that look. I know I’m not being fair. But this...” She swallowed. “We had such a good thing, Bug. You. Me. Ian. And now it’s going to be all messed up, and Ian will be here most of the time, and Xander is going to be there all the time, and, damn it, sweetie. Why didn’t I wait one more night to go knocking on Ian’s door?”
Her voice finally gave out. So did her arms. She lowered Cady to her chest and wrapped her arms around her little girl and held on tight.
* * *
IAN PAUSED AT the edge of the passageway and listened to the soft voice coming from the bedroom, his heart twisting. Finding the main door locked hadn’t been as much of a surprise as he should have expected. Finding the door to the nursery open was like being handed a second chance.
He’d been braced for ranting. Wailing. Anything other than these small hiccuping sounds that sounded so goddamned alone.
“Hey.” He spoke softly as he entered. The last thing she needed now was to have the crap scared out of her. “Want some company?”
&n
bsp; She didn’t say anything. He was on the verge of retreating when one hand lifted from Cady’s back and reached for his.
In an instant he was on the bed beside her, kissing her forehead and whispering encouragement and gently prying her arms from a squawking Cady.
“Shh,” he said when she started to protest. “I’m not taking her away from you, babe. Just making sure you don’t squeeze the breath out of her.”
With that she let go. He whooshed Cady to the ground and helped her balance against the bed.
“There you go, Bug. Do some laps, okay? And here.” He pulled his phone from his pocket, powered it down and handed it over. “Go wild.”
Trusting that the phone would keep her occupied for a minute or so, he turned back to Darcy. She had pushed upright and watched him with an expression he couldn’t read—maybe because he got the feeling she didn’t want him to see what she was feeling.
“I thought I locked the door.” Her voice was quiet but steady.
“You did. But the nursery was open.” He made himself ask the follow-up question. “Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
The answer would have been a lot more reassuring if it hadn’t been so slow in coming.
I keep remembering what it was like for me after my dad died, when there was always some new boyfriend we had to work around.
“You okay?”
She stopped herself in mid-head-shake. “Does it matter?”
Hell yes, it mattered. Everything about her mattered to him.
He laced his fingers through hers. “Will it help if I tell you I know you’ll be able to do this?”
She shook her head.
“How about if I remind you that Cady is as much yours as his? And that right now, even if he’s in the same town, he’s in no position to ask for more than regular visits at your place?”
“You can’t know that.” But she sounded a little less lost.
“You’re right. I’m no lawyer, and for that, I thank God every day.”
Her tiny smile encouraged him.
“Darce. Babe. Think. Is this worse than when you found out you were pregnant?”
Her gaze followed Cady, doing her best to shove the phone into her mouth. “In some ways, no. That was so out of the blue, but in other ways... Oh, Ian. Now she’s real, my whole world, and all I can think is that with him around all the time...”
“He’s not like those guys your mother hung out with. And you’re not your mom.”
“No.” Her voice was bitter. “I’m just the idiot who got drunk and messed up my baby’s whole life.”
It hit him then what he had to do—what only he could do to help her.
“I know him, Darce. And I promise you, he’s going to be a good father.”
“How—” she began, but he placed one gentle finger over her lips.
“I know you’re scared,” he said, slow and low, the way he would speak to a terrified child. “But just listen. Let me tell you about Xander, okay?”
He dug through his memory and pulled up every story he could remember. About walking into the dorm that first day, alternating between excitement and frickin’ terror at all that lay ahead, and being greeted by his new roomie, who had seemed to have made friends with half the floor in the space of an hour. About the way Xander had plunged headfirst into university life, joining groups and signing up to tutor kids. About Xander’s many exploits, yes, but about how he treated each new girl as if she were the most amazing thing to ever happen in his life. About how all his exes seemed to stay friends with him. About the night when Ian got the news that Grandpa Gord had dropped dead in the middle of the diner, when Xander had quietly and efficiently made arrangements for Ian to get home.
“That guy is still inside him, Darce. I know he went off track, but I promise, he’s not that same guy who messed up. From the minute he found out about Cady, he’s been... He’s who he used to be. You don’t know, but I do, and I swear on everything I hold sacred, he wants to do right by her. He’s head over heels and I think— No, I know. I know he’s going to be a good father.”
“But the other day, when we found out he was coming here, you said you thought he was seeing her as his way out. That he was more interested in what she could do for him than—”
“Yeah, I said that. At the time, I believed it.” He ran a hand over her hair, brushed a kiss on her cheek. “I don’t anymore.”
She hiccuped. “Promise?”
How could one little word, barely audible, carry so much hope and fear and desperation?
“I promise.”
She met his gaze then, searching his face. Hunting for any sign that he was simply saying things to make her feel better? He couldn’t tell. But after a moment she nodded and curled against him.
He pulled her close and rocked her, kissing her hair, wishing to God he could make the promise he wanted to make most—that he would always be there to help her through.
Except the more he heard, the more he feared that his presence—not Xander’s—was what would complicate her life the most.
* * *
SOMEHOW THEY MADE it through dinner.
Ian pulled up a smile for his parents’ sake. Not that he fooled Ma. He doubted that even Darcy’s mom could pull off an act that would get past Janice North when her radar was turned on. But she was focused on the party, chattering about the plans all through the night, interrupting herself to add things to her lists or place a quick phone call. She sent him and Darcy enough assessing looks that he started to wonder if she was related to Moxie by blood and not just marriage, but he could almost see her tell herself to let it go for the moment.
Dad was as oblivious as always, teasing Cady with a spoon and talking to Xander about making beer, of all things. And just when Ian had begun to have bad thoughts about the Almighty, God came through and sent Moxie to a card party at the Legion.
He and Darcy sat side by side, mostly quiet, mostly in their own worlds. Except every once in a while one of them would reach for the other’s hand beneath the table and squeeze.
He wasn’t sure if her touch made things better or worse. After a while he stopped questioning and decided simply to be grateful.
His litany of Xander’s good points seemed to have helped her. She let Xander take over more of the dinner duties. When it came time to clear the table, she suggested that Xander take Cady outside for a walk around the garden. Xander was so busy racing to comply he probably didn’t see the way Darcy bit her lip as he lifted Cady from the high chair, the way she turned sharply away when the two of them walked out the door.
This time, when Ian reached for her hand, it took a long time for her to let go.
Dishes. Bath. Songs and a bottle in the rocking chair, a few minutes assuring Ma that the weather forecasters knew what they were saying, that Moxie’s dire mutterings about aching knees didn’t guarantee weekend rain. Familiar routines that both grounded him, yet felt oddly surreal, probably because he was only halfway present. Even as he talked and teased and reassured, he was increasingly aware of a thread running beneath his thoughts like the steady beat of a drum, slowly getting louder, finally breaking through and claiming him when he took Lulu outside for a last walk before bed. He stood in the darkness of the backyard and let it roll over him.
The best thing he could do—for Darcy, for Cady, for everyone—would be to take himself out of that picture.
Not immediately, of course. He had to give notice, had to pack up and move and figure out a place to live here. More than that, he wanted to be there for Darcy during the first weeks of having Xander as a semi-regular presence in her life.
But once they got back to Stratford—once the party was over and Xander had been told the truth—they would have to go back to the way they were. Friends. Amazing friends, but no more.
Lulu ran up to him and let out a short, what’s up? bark. He scratched behind her ear, sending her into a wiggling frenzy.
“You see the lights, girl?”
As the darkness grew deeper, more and more lights appeared. Watercraft out on the river. Stars overhead. And fireflies winking out from between tall leaves of the hostas and irises.
You know, North, Mother Nature might be trying to give you a message. Lights that you can’t see until dark and all that jazz.
Right. And according to Moxie, late at night, you could still hear music playing from the dance halls of the Lost Villages.
He scooped a stick from the ground, held it out for Lulu to bite. Time for a little tug-of-war.
“Here we go, girl. Here we go. Come and get it. Yeah, you think you’re so strong, huh? Huh? Yeah, well, you’re not the only one.”
Because even though he knew he should talk to Darcy right now, he wasn’t fool enough to think he could do it. Once they got back to Stratford he would do the decent thing. But not while they were in Comeback Cove. For as long as they were here, they could keep pretending.
“But tell me this, girl. Is it really pretending when I already love her?”
* * *
THERE HAD BEEN very few nights in Darcy’s life that she’d wished would never end. When she opened her eyes Saturday morning, it hit her: if ever she could have chosen her own personal Groundhog Day, she would have picked last night.
Not because of the sex, as raw and needy as it had been. Not because of the moments after when Ian had pulled her close and stroked her arm and told her, without a single word, that he knew what she was feeling.
But because somewhere, in the sharing and the holding and the understanding, she had found new hope.
Yes, Xander was going to be in Stratford, but she could still make this work. How many years had she spent protecting Sylvie? If anyone knew controlled access, it was Darcy.
So Xander would be in town. Okay. She could do this. Regular visits. A gradual transition to Cady going to his place, once he got one, and assuming it was child-safe, though he did seem to be very good about that. A routine. A schedule, clear guidelines, open communication.
And Ian to tell her that she was doing the right thing.
True, he wouldn’t be around as much as she wished. But there was a highway and phones, text messages and Skype calls and emails. This wasn’t Little House on the Prairie. She would never need to go more than a few hours without a word, a joke, a reminder.
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