Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  I can't imagine leaving you. He was worried about her trip back, and her life after that. It seemed so unfair that they couldn't stay like this, traveling together, for a long, long time. But I don't suppose this would be much of a life for you. He watched her eyes to see what she thought, as though testing her. He sat back in his chair with a sigh. Could you be happy with a rootless life like this one day? He wasn't ready yet, but perhaps soon. He had been toying with the idea ever since leaving Antibes, and especially in the past few days on the train.

  But she was always honest with him. I could be, she smiled sadly at him from where she sat, if I didn't have my family to think about.

  Haven't you got a right to a life of your own? It annoyed him to hear her talk that way. He could have understood if she had told him she would detest traveling with him, but he didn't want to hear about her responsibilities anymore.

  I don't have that right yet, Charles. She never lost sight of that. Maybe I will one day.

  When? When you're forty-five years old, and you've brought up all of your sister's kids? When do you think they'll let you go? Next week? Next year? In ten years? ' five? ' you're kidding yourself, Audrey, they'll never let you go. Why should they? You're the best thing they've got. And he was angry about it. Why should they have her if he could not. And it was their fault that she wouldn't stay with him. It didn't dawn on him that she couldn't have traveled forever with him anyway, with no formal bond, just their love to carry them along.

  What difference does it make? She was growing angry too. They were both unhappy that their time together was almost at an end, and there was no one to be angry at except each other as they rode the last miles on the train they had enjoyed so much. Do you really want to be married one day, Charles? She wasn't convinced of that, but he wouldn't admit it to her.

  Why not?

  That's hardly the right way to look at it. Why not?'

  And you're the authority on marriage, I suppose. You, who consider yourself an old maid and is perfectly content to give it all up.

  What difference does it make? Would you prefer if I were hounding you to marry me, Charles? Is that what you want? I don't really think it is. She was shouting at him, and hadn't realized it, until he strode across the elegant drawing room and pulled her to her feet, glaring at her, with both hands on her shoulders, as though he might shake her if she didn't listen to him now.

  Do you know what I want? I want you to stay with me. I don't want you to leave Istanbul and go back to catch your damn ship. That's what I want. There were no promises, no proposals, and no vows, but she didn't give a damn. That had never been what she wanted from him. There had been no forethought about his marrying her, no plot, no plan. She just loved the man, and she wanted to be with him too. She didn't want to go back to England to catch the ship either, but she couldn't do otherwise, and she tried to explain that to him again. You're twenty-six years old. You're grown up. Do what you want to do.

  You don't understand anything. She pulled herself from his grasp and sat down again, and he sat beside her on the settee and held her hand. Their anger was beginning to fade. It wouldn't solve anything, and they both knew that. Charlie, my love, if you weren't quite so free, you couldn't do exactly what you wanted either. Life just doesn't work that way. In most cases anyway.

  He looked sadly at her. He did understand. He just didn't want to. I suppose I forget sometimes that the rest of the world isn't quite as unencumbered as I am. A knife pierced his heart as he thought of Sean. It isn't the ideal state it's cracked up to be. Maybe you're better off. It was what made him want children now and then, the hunger to have someone tied to him and to whom he in turn was tied. But then he thought of losing Sean, and it frightened him again. And yet, in an odd way, he was tied to her. He felt that way, and he looked at her now with something pleading in his eyes. Audrey ' what if you came to China with me?

  She gasped at his words, and looked at him with shock. Are you crazy? Can you imagine what my family would say? I'm not even going to tell them I came this far. I'd never hear the end of it. Istanbul! They would think I had lost my mind. All except Grandfather, of course, who knew only too well what motivated her ' that urge to roam that was bred into her ' the demons he hated so much. But China? Charles, you're mad.

  Am I? Am I so mad to want to be with the woman I love? He sat staring at her and she couldn't answer him. She didn't know what to say to him. It was the loveliest offer she had ever had, but there was no way she could go with him. We could sail back to the States from Yokohama by year end.

  And how would I explain it to them? ' Charlie , I gave my grandfather my word. He's an old man. The shock could be too great for him.

  I can't compete with that, can I, Aud? Men my age don't die of 'shock.' He looked at her almost bitterly. He was suddenly violently jealous of an eighty-one-year-old man. Or even grief. I envy him your loyalty.

  You have my loyalty too. She spoke very gently to him. And my heart.

  Then think about it. You can tell me in Istanbul.

  Charlie ' She only looked at him. There was no point torturing themselves over what they couldn't have. And she couldn't have a trip to China with him. She reminded herself of that a dozen times when she went to sleep that night. She could have a brief moment in Istanbul ' two days ' one night ' and then she had to head home again ' had to ' had to, she told herself forcefully, as she drifted off to sleep ' but she dreamed of Charles all night long. She dreamed that she was looking for him, and she couldn't find him anywhere. She awoke in the middle of the night in tears, panicking, and she clung to him as she cried, afraid to explain how desperate she felt to be leaving him, for fear that if she told him, he would never let her go. And there was no doubt in her mind. She had to leave.

  Chapter 10

  Their entrance to Istanbul was extraordinary, and he woke her early the next morning to make sure that she did not miss a moment of it. There were beaches running parallel to the train when she awoke, and the water seemed to be touched with gold as birds flew low overhead. Istanbul itself was surrounded by the Sea of Marmara on one side and the Golden Horn on the other, and Audrey thought she had never seen anything quite as magnificent as the mosques appearing with their golden domes and minarets, and then, finally as they rounded Seraglio Point, Topkapi Palace came into view, bringing with it visions of sultans and harems and extraordinary fantasies and fairy tales. It was a city that inspired fantasies of every kind, and as they pulled slowly into Sirkeci Station, Audrey felt suddenly overwhelmed by the distinctly Eastern influence she felt here. It was a place like no other she had ever known, and she was fascinated as Charles pointed out the sights to her on the way to their hotel. The Blue Mosque and Hagia Sophia, Istanbul's most famous mosque, the Column of Constantine overlooking the public square, the Grand Bazaar, and the countless other mosques and bazaars that fascinated her. Finally, her grief at the prospect of leaving him was dimmed by the excitement she felt to be here with him, for however little time. Her camera worked overtime, and he took her directly to their hotel, which was an amazing place.

  He had reserved rooms at the Pera Palas, one of his favorite hotels around the world, and a dozen porters unloaded their bags as she and Charlie went inside. He had requested two rooms that were connected by a mammoth living room. And there were ten-foot mirrors with gilt frames, black paneling, rococo carving, and golden cupids everywhere. Even the lobby of the hotel had been replete with the same decor, and somehow it seemed suitable to the exotic ambience, although anywhere else, it would have seemed hideous to her. But nothing was hideous here. It was all fascinating and exotic, as she followed Charles to the Grand Bazaar and took roll after roll of photographs, fascinated by the sights and smells and meandering paths and merchants determined to sell her everything they could. Charlie watched her with delight as she took it all in, and seemed to thrive on the atmosphere. He took her to a tiny restaurant for lunch, and even the Turkish food didn't intimidate her. She loved everything. She seemed
to be born to lead a life like this. The life of a vagabond she described to him with dancing eyes as they walked on the beach, looking at the entrance to the city and holding hands.

  And it was only when they went back to their hotel that she appeared to be sad again, and even making love didn't cheer either of them this time. There was no hiding from the realities anymore. She was leaving the next morning on the train, and their brief romantic interlude, however passionate, would be over for them, forever perhaps, if life was not kind to them. She lay quietly in bed beside him after they had made love, and traced lazy circles on his chest with one delicate fingertip, as he tried not to feel all that he felt for her, at least not quite so acutely.

  When do you leave for China? There was no point not talking about it anymore. It had to be faced sooner or later. And it was already later for them.

  Tomorrow night. He looked at her with unhappy eyes.

  How long will it take you to get there?

  A few weeks. It will depend on my connections.

  She smiled at him. It sounds like fun.

  But he laughed at that. Only you could say that. Most women would shudder at the thought ' most men in fact. It's a very rough trip. In some ways, he was glad she wasn't coming. Although, selfishly, he would have loved it. Just think, when you're comfortably on the Mauretania again, drinking champagne, and dancing with some dashing man he felt his stomach tighten at the thought I'll be crawling along some mountaintop in Tibet, freezing my ass off.

  She looked at him, but this time she didn't smile. I won't be dancing with anyone, Charles.

  Yes, you will. His voice was a whisper and his eyes were sad. I have no right to expect you not to.

  You forget one thing.

  What's that?

  I wouldn't want to. I'm in love with you, Charles. And then she looked at him strangely. We might as well be married. In my heart, we are. She wondered if he would be frightened by what she said, but she had to say it anyway.

  We are. He said it so solemnly that she was startled, and she was even more so, when he looked down at his hands and slipped his gold signet ring from his little finger. It was engraved with his crest, and he put it on her left hand, on the finger where she would have worn a wedding ring. I want you to keep that, Audrey. Always.

  There were no words for what she felt, and the tears spilled from her eyes as he held her, and when they made love again, it was bittersweet, and she kept the ring on her finger and her hand tightly closed. She knew she would never take the ring off again. It was a trifle big, but not so big that she would lose it easily.

  And when they got up at dusk, Charles suggested that they go out to dinner, but she only shook her head and turned back to face him. I'm not hungry.

  You should eat. She shook her head. She had too much on her mind, and she stood for a long time with her back to him, staring out the window at the minarets and the bazaars and the mosques. She seemed to be fascinated by Istanbul, but in fact she wasn't seeing anything. She was looking into her own heart and making an enormous decision about them.

  He left her alone for a long time, and then he came to her and gently touched her shoulder, and he was shocked at the ravaged face he saw when she turned to face him again.

  Oh darling ' He reached out to her and she stood very still. There was no choice for her anymore. She should have known it in Venice. Everything was decided for her then. Or perhaps even before that.

  I'm not leaving. She said it as though she were pronouncing a life sentence, and in fact she was. Her own. But she was not condemned to that life. She had chosen it. She regretted only the pain that she would cause others with her decision.

  Charles stood very still, not sure he had understood her correctly. What do you mean?

  I mean I'm going with you. She suddenly looked much smaller, as though she had shrunk in the last hour.

  To China? He looked shocked as she nodded. Are you sure, Aud? He was suddenly afraid she would regret it. And once they began the trip, there would be no turning back. She would have to go all the way to Shanghai with him, and it wouldn't be easy, as he had already told her more than once.

  I'm quite sure.

  What about your grandfather? She suddenly wondered if he didn't want her along after all, and he saw hurt in her eyes and immediately reached out to hold her again. I just don't want you to change your mind halfway there.

  You mean on a mountaintop in Tibet? She smiled through her tears, and he smiled back at her as she nodded.

  Exactly.

  I won't change my mind. I'll cable Grandfather that I'll be home by Christmas. Is there anywhere he can write to me? Charles thought about it and shook his head.

  Not until Nanking anyway. He can write to you there. Or Shanghai. I'll give you the names of the hotels where I stay. He can write to you in care of me. And then he realized that that would hardly be wise. And then he grinned at an idea. Just tell him I'm a woman you met on the trip.

  She smiled sheepishly at the man she loved. Don't laugh. I may have to.

  But he took her hands in his own then and looked into her eyes. Audrey, are you really sure? Is this what you want? I'd go to the ends of the earth with you, but I have nothing to lose. You do. I know what your responsibilities mean to you ' your family ' your grandfather ' Annabelle ' .

  Maybe it's my turn now. Just this once. Maybe I can do it and they won't hate me forever.

  He hesitated for a moment and then went on. And after that? What happens to us then? If she couldn't leave him now, what would it be like after China?

  I can't answer that. I don't know. I'll have to go back to them sooner or later.

  He smiled ruefully. It's like being in love with a married woman sometimes. She smiled at the analogy, but she couldn't disagree.

  As you pointed out a while back, I'm not as blissfully unencumbered as you are.

  Maybe that's why I love you. Maybe I wouldn't love you as much if you were just a loose bird like me. He smiled down at her and stroked her hair, and she held him close, feeling the ring on her finger. She had made a commitment to him now, and yet at the same time, she felt free, freer than she ever had in her life and she was surprised at how happy it made her.

  Chapter 11

  The telephone rang just as Edward Driscoll was settling down to listen to Walter Winchell. The maid came to knock at the library door, and she almost trembled as she approached him. He was far more querulous than he had been only a month or two before, and she knew how much he hated being disturbed.

  Excuse me, sir ' . Her knees almost knocked, and she could feel the lace cap she wore every evening begin to slide slowly over her ear. He hated her cap being crooked almost as much as he hated interruptions. In fact, he hated almost everything and everyone these days. He prowled the house like a policeman, hoping to make an arrest before nightfall. Excuse me, sir ' . She tried again. He hadn't responded the first time.

  Yes? What is it? he barked at the girl and she jumped visibly. Don't jump like that, dammit, you make me nervous.

  It's the telephone for you, sir.

  Take a message. I don't want to talk to anyone at this time of night. It's almost dinnertime. Can't be important anyway. No one ever calls me.

  The operator said it was long distance.

  His face grew instantly taut. Maybe something had happened to her, and he eyed the girl sharply again. Where's it from?

  Istanbul, Turkey, sir.

  Turkey? He almost threw the word in her face. I don't know anyone there. Must be a mistake ' or a prank. Hang up. Don't waste your time talking to pranksters. If she had said France, he would have run to the phone. Or even Italy or England. He had gotten a postcard from her from Rome. But Turkey ' and then suddenly, he got an uneasy feeling, and slowly he rose and signaled to the girl just before she left the room. Find out who it's from before you hang up.

  Yes, sir. She was back less than a minute later. Her eyes wide, her cap even more askew than before, but this time he didn't notice. It's
Miss Driscoll, sir. From Turkey.

  Forgetting his cane, he almost ran to the phone, in the little room where they kept it. It was a small, echoing chamber with a narrow, uncomfortable chair. But he never could see why one had to be comfortable while one talked on the phone. The telephone was for quick business, as far as he was concerned, not all-day gabbing. He had told Annabelle that often enough, not that she ever listened to him. Yes? he shouted into the phone. Yes? There was so much static he could barely hear, and he was so excited he forgot to sit down, as the young maid hovered nearby, afraid he would get too excited.

  Mr. Driscoll?

  Yes! Yes!

  We have a long-distance call for you from Turkey.

  I know that, you fool, now where is she? But almost as he said the words, he heard her voice, and his knees felt weak as he heard her.

  Gramps? ' can you hear me?

  Barely. Audrey, where the hell are you?

  I'm in Istanbul. I took the Orient Express with friends.

  Dammit, that's no place for you to be. When are you coming home?

  As she listened to him, he sounded so frail suddenly, and so terribly far away, and at her end, she almost gave up her plan to go to China with Charlie. But she wasn't ready to do that either. She had to tell him. I won't be home until Christmas. There was a deafening silence, and she was afraid they had been disconnected. Grampa? Grampa? '

  He sat down heavily on the uncomfortable chair, and the maid ran to get him a glass of water. His face was gray, and she only hoped it wasn't terrible news. He was too old to take it. What the hell are you doing over there? And who are you traveling with?

  I met a charming couple on the ship. They're English. I was with them in the South of France. And she was hoping he would assume that she was with them in Turkey.