He'd pegged my usual habits right on. I wasn't all that surprised. And I couldn't figure out what I wanted, exactly, from Jasper. I knew I didn't want him seeing Cecilia, but I also shied away internally from saying words like I'll be with you, and only you, and I won't see anyone else. It didn't escape me that I was being a hypocrite about commitment, yet this was how I did things. This was how I existed on a relationship level.
It had to be my way, or no way.
“You're not going to stand there and tell me that this was a one time thing, are you? That you don't feel anything, that it was just lust and that we're gonna go back to what we were?” Jasper arched a brow in challenge.
“No. I mean...no. I don't really know what's going on with all that, Jasper, but I do know that I don't want you to see anyone else right now. I don't want to, either, which is why I ended things with Ramsey. I couldn't bring myself to have a casual fling, even. Is that good enough until I get used to all this, until I get comfortable being...whatever we are?” My gaze strayed from his eyes to his suit, once again frowning in concentration. I was so distracted by the conversation that I couldn't figure out what I was missing.
“You can't say it, can you? You can't just say, hey, Jasper and I are in a relationship.” His mouth quirked at a corner.
“It's not that easy for me, and you know it. This came up out of nowhere--”
Jasper scoffed. Loudly. “Are you kidding me? I've been in love with you for at least half my life.”
Shocked stupid, all I could do was stare.
“That's right, Finley,” Jasper said, taking advantage of my stupor. “I hoped for a long time that you'd notice me as more than your best friend, then I settled for just being that, because I couldn't be less and I couldn't be more. I got to be around you every day, live with you, be a part of your every day life. That was enough—until the other night. Now it's not enough. I want more.”
“But you never said anything. I never once had the feeling that you liked me as more than a friend.”
“Because you didn't feel the same way. I knew it and didn't want to pressure you. Especially when you made your relationship preferences known. It was so hard at first, watching you go off with these guys. The men you wouldn't ever commit to in any way shape or form. Then it got easier—so to speak—since I knew you wouldn't get serious with any of them.”
Each revelation was more startling than the last. I couldn't get over that Jasper was in love with me.
With me.
How had all these years passed without me having any inkling? I'd put his over-protectiveness of me down to our best friend status, and suddenly I found myself wondering if he'd done it because he loved me instead. Maybe both reasons, but mostly for love. A different pressing question found its way to the fore first.
“Why, after all this time, did you kiss me in bed? You've never done anything like that before.”
“You'd never looked at me like you looked at me then. It was always platonic. It wasn't that night.” Jasper pushed away from the counter, stalking me slowly.
I gripped the long stems of the roses, following him with my eyes. He stopped directly in front of me, hunching his shoulders a little like he always did so I didn't have to crane my neck so far to meet his gaze. Lifting my free hand, I moved the shank of hair away from his brow. It fell back into place, the ends brushing his eyelashes.
“See? You're doing it again,” Jasper whispered.
“Doing what? You need a hair cut.”
“Looking at me like that. Like you don't normally do. Like you want me to kiss you.”
“We don't have a vase,” I said, refusing to admit he was right. I did want him to kiss me. As if he read my mind, Jasper lowered his mouth and claimed mine. He explored me with easygoing thoroughness and left his distinct taste behind when he broke away. My heart thundered in my chest and my breathing shallowed.
I had the crazy thought that I could get very addicted to Jasper's kisses.
“I'll find something for the flowers. I'm half surprised you didn't laugh. Usually you don't do the frilly, girly things.” Jasper withdrew, winking over his shoulder.
“I know. What's wrong with me.” I liked the roses and couldn't deny it. Conveniently, I forgot all the times I made fun of other girls whose boyfriends had produced the same.
As Jasper let himself into the garage, it finally hit me. His suit. It was the same one the men at my work wore.
Chapter Nineteen
A clatter of bolts, nails and washers preceded Jasper's return to the kitchen. In one hand he carried a large mason jar missing the lid, and walked it to the sink where he first rinsed it, then filled it halfway.
“What are you doing wearing a suit from Olympus?” I asked, sliding the stems of the roses into the water. My attention was mostly on Jasper, waiting for him to answer the question.
“I stopped by to talk to Ramsey,” Jasper said, deftly undoing the buttons on the jacket. He stripped it from his shoulders and laid it over the back of a chair. “He wound up offering me a job, and I took it. I tried on the uniform and didn't change before coming home.”
“You work at Olympus now? What...I thought you didn't like Ramsey?” I set the improvised vase of flowers on the retro-red kitchen table. The white roses clashed with the less classy interior of the apartment, but I was charmed by their presence anyway.
“I didn't say I didn't like Ramsey. Only that I wanted to fix the problem I created myself. And I was probably a little jealous because I thought you two were hooking up. Anyway, we talked and it's good. I'm all right with you accepting and using that money. I've got it set up to pay him back incrementally, and once it's paid off, then we can start over saving for the garage.” Jasper watched me from the kitchenette, undoing the buttons on his shirt-sleeves next.
He looked so handsome in his vest and crisp shirt. The dark slacks fit his hips to perfection. “How did a job even come up? I don't get it.”
“He's friends with my friends, remember? Tyler and the rest? Well, he found out that I've worked as an Usher for the other club for a while now, and the supervisor...your supervisor...just got promoted. So he offered me the job. He wanted someone from the outside to come in and take over, rather than promote from within. It pays very well. I was pretty shocked.”
My mouth fell open. “You're my boss? What about Adrian? You two fought in the parking lot, I can't believe he'll be all right with this.”
“Ramsey called Adrian in. Both to make sure that the Parker situation was dealt with—and it was—and that Adrian wouldn't start anything with me. Vice versa, too. He's not my favorite person.”
Leaning the back of my hips against a chair, I arched my brows at Jasper. “You really have been busy.”
“I want to do it right this time. But there's something I gotta know, Fin.” Jasper strolled closer after flipping the sleeves to his elbow. The tanned skin of his forearms looked appealing flanked by the white shirt, the muscles flexing as he braced both hands on the table at either side of my hips.
“What's that, Jasper?” I asked, staring up into his eyes. How odd that he made me breathless all of a sudden, when I'd spent years not being affected by him at all.
“I have to know—are you still going to see Ramsey? I know what you said, but--”
“No. I mentioned that I couldn't bring myself to keep seeing him, and that was the truth. Maybe my subconscious knew how I felt about you before I realized it on the surface.”
“You seemed to like him pretty well, considering how you usually are with guys.”
“I won't lie. I do—did—like him. I'll always consider him a good friend. He's been there quite a few times and he is a great guy. He's just not the one I want to be with right now.”
“Right now?”
“That's the best I can do, Jasper. I can't promise you forever. I can tell you that I have no plans to move out, that I still want to live here, and that I'm not ready for whatever this is to end. This is different because I've know
n you my whole life.” I didn't hold any of the truth back. Jasper needed to know how I felt, what my tentative plans were.
“So you won't like me calling you my girlfriend, then,” he asked, narrowing his eyes while he studied me.
I tried hard not to twitch at the term. “Not really. Not yet.”
“Maybe not ever,” he said, speaking aloud what I couldn't bring myself to.
“Maybe not ever,” I echoed. “But I'm here. Isn't that what's important? We're together, and things are different and new. We should get used to that before taking anything further.”
Jasper ran the edge of his tongue across his teeth. A gesture I recognized that he did whenever he was considering something serious. Lifting a hand, I stroked my fingertips along the sharp edge of his jaw. How many times had I stared at it? Now I found it fascinating. I found everything about Jasper fascinating.
The things new and unknown, anyway.
“You're asking a lot from me, Fins. I told you that I'm in love with you. So what if we do this, and I let you be the way you want to be, and I fall harder—and you don't fall for me? What if you wind up wanting someone else like you usually do, and I wind up shattered because I risked it all?”
My fingers trailed down the column of Jasper's throat. His voice had grown husky while he talked, causing a shiver to race down my spine. “It's the best I can do, Jasper. Please understand.”
Jasper tucked his chin, gaze falling to the floor.
I wanted to lift his face, make his eyes meet mine again. My desperation for him to understand, to risk his heart for me, was great. The thought of making any kind of hard commitment scared me too much.
Straightening, Jasper's hands fell to his sides. Then he sliced his hands into his pockets, staring at me in a way that made my stomach flip over.
He wasn't going to do it, I thought. He wasn't going to take the risk that I would break his heart.
“I gotta cut it there, then, Finley. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But you can't know me any better than you already do. If I'm not enough, if I'm not good enough for you now, then I won't be in six months or a year. I've waited and waited and waited for you, Fins. I can't wait any longer. Not without something from you.” He took a step back. And another.
I didn't stop him. I couldn't. My breath caught in my throat and I forced myself to stay at the table rather than follow him into the bedroom. What was wrong with me that I couldn't make some kind of commitment to him? I wanted him in my life, and he had been for years. What needed to change? Why did it have to be labeled and packaged into a neat box like everyone else? Things could just be the way they had been, albeit with us as lovers along with being best friends. He knew how anti-commitment I was, and I thought he should give a little, too.
Five minutes later, he emerged in a favored pair of beat up jeans, a pair of lace up boots with the tongues hanging out, and a heather gray tee with a tear in one of the shoulder seams. He dug his keys out of his pocket as he passed me for the door.
We traded a long look. He said, “I'll be back a little later. Incidentally, we both have the night off. I just thought things would be different and we'd be celebrating, not spending it apart.”
The door closed and the apartment fell to silence. I was letting the best thing that had ever happened to me walk away. He would be back, sure, and we'd probably sleep in the same bed—or would we? Maybe Jasper, now that he'd confessed, wouldn't want to be my roommate any longer. Maybe it would be too painful, even though I'd told him I didn't want to be with anyone else. The fling with Cecilia, probably done to combat Jasper's jealousy over me and Ramsey, might turn into a full blown relationship after this.
Outside, the Camaro's engine rumbled to life. Jasper was going to drive away, upset, probably, and begin to make plans that didn't involve me.
I was suddenly sure of it.
The thought of losing Jasper as a roommate, as a confidant, as my best friend galvanized me into action. Surging for the door, I opened it and ran out as the Camaro turned from the alley to the street.
Jasper gunned the engine, the car picking up speed.
“Wait! Jasper!” Running into the street, I waved my arms, frantic to get his attention. To catch him before he turned another corner. In my mind it was a metaphorical corner, marking a change in our lives that we couldn't undo.
“Jasper!”
The tail lights flashed red. Coming to a stop in the road, the Camaro sat in the middle of the empty street, as if Jasper was contemplating whether he wanted to hear what I had to say.
I took off running, the late afternoon heat searing my lungs. The Camaro started forward again and my heart jumped into my throat.
No.
Crazily, tears pricked the back of my eyes and desperation made me breathless. I didn't cry over boys. It just wasn't something Finley Carson did. Yet the sting turned into a tear, and another.
The Camaro cruised to the curb twenty yards from the next turn. Jasper got out, engine idling, and looked back at me.
I ran faster, like my life depended on it, hair streaming behind me. “Wait, wait, please don't go.”
Jasper caught me when I launched myself into his arms with a sob. “Shh, Fin, it's okay. Don't be upset,” he whispered.
I kissed his throat, his jaw, his cheek. Meeting his eyes, I said, “Don't go. I'll say anything. We'll date, we're daters, a dating couple, okay? Is that enough for now? I won't date anyone else, and you won't, so that's sort of a commitment, right?”
Jasper kissed my jaw, my cheek, my lips. Light and feathery, so he didn't interrupt the rush of words.
“You're going to break me, Finley.”
“I won't, I really won't. We'll talk all the time, like we do now, and I'll tell you what I'm feeling. You can help me if I'm feeling scared or skittish. Just talk me down like you do when I'm having a rough day in other ways. Give me this, Jasper. Give me some time to get used to us being an us.”
He searched my eyes, holding me tight against his body. I moved the shank of hair that liked to fall across his brow so our gazes weren't impeded by anything. I wanted to see everything he was thinking.
After a long minute, he exhaled and pressed a kiss on my lips. Tender, gentle. He said, “All right, Fins. We have Sort of a Commitment. Just remember that I get first dibs on forever.”
“It's a deal. Now kiss me.”
*
Christmas.
“Finley Carson! I'm going to slather peanut butter in your hair tonight!”
Laughing, I slapped two half burnt waffles on a plate and delivered it to the kitchen table. Jasper emerged from the little bedroom, boxers askew around his hips, hair sticking up at odd angles thanks to the twenty-odd rubber bands I'd tied into the strands. Charcoal powder on his eyelids made him look like a rock star, and the black nail polish on his fingers and toes added a goth flair that he didn't find funny at all.
But I did. And I guffawed as he stalked me, bypassing the waffles completely. I waved the spatula threateningly, gasping for breath. Jasper unarmed me of the plate and the spatula and picked me up over his shoulder.
“Black polish? On Christmas? I don't have time to get this off before the party!” he shouted.
We'd gone out after work the evening before and danced until the wee hours, falling into bed sometime after dawn. Nearing the dinner hour, I'd fixed waffles—it was easy and fast—with the intent of waking Jasper just before the party for employees at Olympus. This, of course, after I'd played my prank while he was asleep.
“Don't you dare put me in the shower! My hair will take too long to dry!” I screeched as he palmed the faucet and turned the cold water on.
“You're going in!”
And in I went. Gasping at the icy blast, I had no time to push him out of the miniscule stall before he joined me, pressing me against the tiles with his body. He kissed me senseless, hands running mercilessly, knowingly, over my curves. The tee shirt and sweats I wore stuck to my skin and neither of us cared.
; “Where's the stuff to get this off,” he grumbled between kisses.
“I don't have any.”
“Finley...”
I laughed, taking advantage of his shirtless state to run my hands over the muscles of his back. In the months since we'd become an us, things had gone much better than I imagined. Settling into a new, comfortable routine, we'd gotten into the swing of life as a tentative couple with an ease that surprised even me. I couldn't remember a time when I'd been happier, nor seen Jasper as sated and jovial.
“There's some in the kitchen,” I said, letting Jasper off the hook. He kissed me again, hot and demanding, then pinched my hip before departing the shower.
Shivering, I cut the water and snatched a towel off the rack. Now I would have to change and do my hair all over again. Taking off the wet clothes, I wrapped a towel around my body and spent fifteen precious minutes re-drying my hair. Emerging from the bathroom, I spotted Jasper, sans make up and nail polish, stuffing a bite of waffle into his mouth. He stood next to the red kitchen table, where a medium sized, wrapped Christmas present had magically appeared.
“What's that?” I asked, homing in on the gift.
“It's for you. But not till later.”
“No way. I want it now.” I went straight for the gift, foregoing 'dinner' in favor of sating my curiosity.
Jasper played keep away with the box, holding it above his head. I bit his chest, and he laughed, the box tottering out of his hand.
“Hey!” he complained.
Catching the gift, which I suspected he'd let fall on purpose, I took it to one of the loveseats and plopped down. We might be ten or fifteen minutes late for the party, but I didn't care. While Jasper plugged in the table top tree (it was all we had room for) sitting on the end table, I tugged at the sheer gold ribbon and tore off the hunter green paper.
“Heathen,” Jasper said, phone in hand. He snapped off a few pictures.
I smiled for one or two, then laughed when I came across a box of Boston Baked Beans. “Beans! You're so good to me, Jasper.”
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