by Rhian Cahill
“God, I love you, Miki.”
The words were out before he could stop them. She stiffened between them.
“No.” Her whispered word carried all the fear he knew she held inside and some that he had no clue about.
“Yes.” He kissed her forehead. “It’s the way I feel. I’m not asking for you to reciprocate, well, not yet anyway. All I want is for you to know this isn’t just sex for me, not that it ever was.” She tried to tug from their embrace.
“Miki. Just hear me out, okay?” Dayne held her tighter. “All I want is a chance to see if we can make this work.”
“We can’t.”
“Why not?” Grant asked.
“Because!”
“That’s not an answer.” Dayne could feel his anger at her refusal to even listen growing. “We promised not to hold anything back and this is part of it. I love you like I never thought myself possible of and I’m not about to hide it under the bed until you’re ready to deal with it. I need to work this out, Miki.” He didn’t like the pleading note in his voice, but he’d get down on his knees and beg if he had to.
“I can’t.” She wriggled and jerked from their hold and scurried from the bed. “I won’t. I did the whole relationship thing once, I can’t do it again. Never again.”
Her head swivelled from side to side, her gaze scanning the room. She folded her arms around her stomach and clutched at her sides, her fingers digging in to her skin. She stood there, naked, and shivered from head to toe. They weren’t going to work through whatever the hell she was scared of quickly. Dayne had the sick feeling they’d be lucky to find out what held her back. She was closing herself off. He could see it in her body language and in her eyes. Those blue orbs held so much fear, so much pain.
“Miki—”
“No. Don’t. I need to go.” She spun in a circle. “Where are my clothes? Why can’t I find my clothes?”
Dayne could hear her panic escalating. They needed to calm her down before she went to pieces completely. It terrified him seeing her like this. The frightened woman in front of them wasn’t the Miki they’d come to know.
“I’ll get your clothes. They’re in the drier.” Grant slid off the bed. “Calm down, Miki. We’ll all get dressed and talk.”
“Talk?” Her brow creased as she looked at Grant. “No, no. I have to go home. I need to go home.”
Things were going nowhere fast. Dayne jumped to his feet and reached for Miki. She tried to avoid him but he gripped her shoulders and gave her a gentle shake.
“Stop, Miki.”
She looked at him with tear-filled eyes and all the wind went out of his sails.
“Oh, baby.” He pulled her close, tucked her head under his chin. “Grant’s getting your clothes. You can get dressed, okay?”
Grant dashed from the room and Dayne held a shivering Miki against him. There weren’t any tears liked he’d expected, but then everything about Miki was unexpected. From the second they’d met all those years ago until now, nothing about their friendship was predictable.
She sighed and warm air blew across his chest. The deep breath seemed to settle her, the shaking stopped and she softened in his arms. Dayne relaxed—his hold on her loosening. Grant returned with her clothes neatly folded and placed them on the bed. Dayne unwound his arms and took a step back.
“Your clothes are on the bed.” He looked at Grant. “We’ll wait for you in the lounge, okay?”
Dayne waited for Miki to say something but she only nodded, reached past him to collect her clothes and walked to the bathroom. He watched her go and knew it wouldn’t be the first time today he saw her walking away.
Miki’s fingers trembled as she fastened her seatbelt, the click echoing in the silent confines of the car. She’d persuaded them to take her home but only after she’d threatened to walk if they didn’t. No one spoke as Dayne started the engine and soft music came through the speakers. But Miki wasn’t listening. Instead she stared out the side window and saw nothing.
Her emotions were in turmoil. She ran the gamut from joy to terror, from calm to panic and every step in between. Miki knew she wasn’t being fair shutting them out in an attempt to gain control. Would she ever master the feelings swamping her? At the moment she didn’t think so. Everything was too raw with razor-sharp edges that sliced her to ribbons. Sighing, she leaned back against the leather seat and watched the world whizz by in a blur.
Numb from the onslaught of her agitated senses, Miki didn’t notice the people out enjoying the beautiful day. It wasn’t until they passed the group of shops down the road from her house that she snapped out of it and sat up straight. They’d arrive in a minute and she wanted to get out of the car and inside as quickly as possible. When Dayne pulled the car into her driveway he didn’t switch off the engine and Grant turned to look at her.
“You house is for sale?”
“Yes. It’s too big for just me.” She wouldn’t bore them with the details of the woman suing her for what David had done. Miki didn’t begrudge the woman any of the money she was claiming, if anything she wanted to help with Michelle’s medical expenses. And really, the house was too big for one woman to live in.
Miki yanked on the handle but the door didn’t budge. She remembered the automatic locking system engaging as they’d driven away from their house but she was sure newer cars were fitted with a safety feature that meant you couldn’t be locked in.
“I put the child lock on.” She swung her gaze around to meet Grant’s. “One of us will have to let you out and we’re not doing that until we make one thing perfectly clear.”
“You can run, Miki, but you can’t hide.” Dayne’s voice held steely determination and sent a shiver down her spine. “We’ll give you room but we’re not walking away from this. From you. You can go hide in that big house of yours but you’ll hear from us every day.”
“But—”
“No buts, remember?” Grant reached over and brushed a fingertip down her cheek. “No holding back.”
“I…”
“It’s okay. We get that you need space. Hell, maybe we could do with some too. It’s been a fast and furious weekend and I think we’re all suffering from a little whiplash.” Dayne laid his hand on her knee and squeezed gently. “But remember, no matter what time of day, if you want to talk, ring one of us. We’re here for you whenever you need.”
Miki didn’t know what to say. On one hand, she wanted to stay with them, see where this thing between them could go. But on the other, she wanted to run as far and as fast as her legs would take her. It was the same scared feeling she’d had back in high school, and that just made her angry to think she hadn’t matured from that frightened young girl.
Grant opened his door and climbed out. Miki waited tensely for him to let her out of the backseat but he didn’t do it straight away. Instead, he stood there surveying her street. She tried to look at it as he would see it. A nice street full of homes where families lived. Young families. Old families. And, like her next door neighbour, elderly couples whose children had long since moved on to start their own lives elsewhere.
She sighed. There’d been so much hope and promise when they’d bought the house she’d now decided to sell. All empty pipe-dreams that never had a chance of coming true because the person she’d placed her trust in had betrayed her in the most basic of ways. Miki hadn’t noticed Dayne get out of the car until he was standing at her open door offering her his hand. With trepidation, she placed her hand in his and allowed him to help her up.
“It’ll be okay. I know you’re feeling overwhelmed right now and you have every right to be, but we’ll make this work. Whatever it takes.” Dayne pulled her close and pressed his lips to hers.
His kiss wasn’t anything like the numerous ones he’d given her over the weekend, but something about it had more effect than any of the passionate kisses he’d already lavished on her. He stepped back, smoothed the tip of his finger over her bottom lip and turned away. She watched him walk a
round the car and slip behind the steering wheel. He never looked back and Miki felt a painful twist in her chest.
Grant took her hand, entwined their fingers and softly caressed her palm with his thumb. She pulled her gaze from where Dayne had disappeared and turned to face Grant. He was studying their joined hands and she waited, giving him time to gather his thoughts. Besides, she still didn’t know what to say.
“Dayne’s right.” He brought his gaze up to meet hers. “We’ll make it work. Whatever it takes, however long it takes. That’s a promise, Miki.” Grant squeezed her fingers, brushed his lips on her cheek and let her go.
She watched as he climbed in the car and closed the door. She stood in her driveway as Dayne started the engine and reversed out onto the street. She stared, unmoving, as they drove away until they turned the corner at the end of her street and disappeared from sight. Her shoulders sagged. The enormity of what she had to face hit her hard. Dread at having to deal with everything the house behind her meant, the house that had never really been home.
Miki turned and stared at the building behind her. So much had happened since she’d locked that door behind her on Friday night. The for-sale sign for one. It hadn’t been there Friday or Saturday morning. The real estate woman must have come by sometime over the weekend. She’d said it would go on the market as of Monday. Seeing the big timber sign sticking out of the lawn made the decision real and gave Miki a churning sensation in the pit of her stomach, but whether that was from sadness or excitement at a new beginning she wasn’t sure. One thing she was sure of was there was no putting it off. She had to go inside.
Using the spare key she picked up from Mrs Brimble, Miki let herself in the front door. Uneasy with the empty silence of the house, she flicked the stereo on as she walked through the lounge room. The air had a stale closed-off feel and she rushed around to open all the windows. As the breeze blew through, Miki breathed deep. Her phone and keys on the dining table caught her eye and she strode over to find a note from Frankie under them. In usual Frankie style, the note was short and to the point.
Dropped in. Ring me.
Miki wasn’t up to talking to her best friend just yet. She needed to get a few things straight in her mind before she revealed anything to Frankie. Glancing at the wall clock, Miki noticed it wasn’t even midday. A shower, some comfy clothes and a cup of coffee were what she wanted. In that order, but first she’d start the coffee machine so there’d be a fresh pot when she finished showering. But she never made it to coffee. As the water from the shower streamed over her, the dam burst and Miki sank to the floor and sobbed. She cried until the water ran cold, until the hard tiles made her arse numb and until there were no more tears to fall.
Violent shivers tore though her, shaking her from head to toe. Her fingers shook so badly that gripping the taps to turn the shower off proved difficult. Miki’s eyes stung, her nose ran and her chest and stomach ached. Staggering out of the glass enclosure, she grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her shoulders. The trip to her bedroom resembled a drunken amble and she smashed her shin into the bed frame before collapsing onto the quilt. With her head buried in her pillow, Miki gave in to exhaustion.
Grant watched Dayne pace across the office again and clenched his fists. He was going to wear a hole in the floor and fall through it any second. His friend had alternated between pacing and sitting at his desk grumbling and it was starting to get on Grant’s nerves. Saving the file he was working on, he shut down his computer and pushed back from his desk.
“I’m going for a run.”
“What?” Dayne spun around to face him.
“You know, shorts, running shoes, walking fast?”
“I know what running is. What the hell do you think you’re doing going for one? What if she rings?”
“Miki isn’t ringing and you know it. In fact, I doubt we’ll hear from her at all.”
Dayne cursed and stormed over to his desk. With short jerky actions, he shoved the papers he’d pretended to work on back into their folder. “Dammit!” He flopped into his chair.
Grant walked to the door. “Burning off a bit of energy would be good for you. Get your gear on and meet me out front.” He left the room without waiting for Dayne to acknowledge him, but he knew his friend would be waiting outside in a few minutes. It took him no time at all to strip down, pull on some shorts and his cross trainers. Noticing the haggard pair of shoes, Grant made a mental note to pick up a new pair soon.
They met at the door. Dayne engaged the alarm and they headed out. Taking their time to warm up, Grant wondered if he should say something, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk and Dayne didn’t seem inclined to either. By mutual agreement, they moved off the lawn out on to the footpath. Starting out slow, they built up speed and in minutes they were powering around the streets.
His heart rate elevated and sweat poured off him, but Grant kept going, kept pushing. Fire filled his chest as his lungs laboured to breathe and the heavy beat of his feet on concrete sounded like thunder. Every muscle burned, urging him to stop. Dayne ran beside him, straining as Grant was. It was punishment. Pain in the body took the focus off the pain in his heart, and he knew his mate was using their run to do the same. They rounded a bend and their place came into view again.
The sun was going down and dusk was rapidly turning into night. As they approached the house their pace slowed until they were walking. Dropping to the grass, Grant moved through a series of cool-down exercises. Each one killed and he winced in pain. Shit. He was going to be sorry tomorrow. Finished he got to his feet and looked at Dayne.
“We have to let her come to us.”
“I know.” His friend ran a hand over his face. “I want to go get her, drag her back here and never let her go, but I know that would be just as bad as getting down on my knees on her doorstep to beg her to come home.”
“We can’t make her come back, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try and convince her to.”
“Want to flip a coin for who calls her first?”
Grant laughed. “No, you can, but I think we should leave her until tomorrow.”
“Agreed.”
“Come on, let’s go in and pretend to work some more.” Grant smiled, the first genuine one since they’d left Miki at her house. The one she was selling.
Miki tugged the front of her shirt away from her sweaty breasts. She’d been dragging boxes from the shed into the house so she could endure the odious task of sorting through the last of David’s things. Her own possessions had been dealt with over the last few months. Once she’d made the decision to sell the house she’d systematically gone through every drawer, every cupboard and tossed more than fifty percent of what she’d found.
So far there’d been nothing worth keeping in the shed, but these last few boxes held papers and photos which meant Miki would be going through them carefully. She figured most of what she’d find would be thrown out, but it was better to be safe now than sorry later. In the first box she found David’s school papers. From report cards to certificates of achievement, it was a complete play-by-play of his school years. Miki packaged them back up, taped the top closed and used a permanent marker to write David’s family in big letters across the side.
A sudden, strident ring disturbed the quiet of the house. Miki pushed back from the table and walked over to the wall that held the phone. She didn’t need to look at caller ID to know who was on the other end of the line. Lifting the cradle she brought it to her ear.
“Hello.”
“Hey, gorgeous.”
“Hi, Dayne.”
“How you doing?”
Miki rolled her eyes. “The same as I was an hour ago when Grant rang.”
“Oh, Grant rang?”
She laughed. “You know he did, you’re sitting next to him.”
“Busted.” She could hear the grin in his voice. “So, any chance you want to have dinner with us?”
Miki took a deep breath. She wasn’t ready to see them again. She h
adn’t gotten around to sorting through her thoughts to know what to say if she did see them. There were other loose ends that needed tying off before she attempted to untangle what had happened last weekend.
“I’ll take you silence as a no.”
“Dayne.”
“It’s okay, Miki. I understand. I don’t like it but I understand it.”
“Thank you.”
“For what? Pestering you every few hours?”
“No. For being so patient with me while I…” Miki couldn’t think of how to explain what she was doing or why. “Sort myself out?”
“Is that what you’re doing?”
“Yeah. I’m going through my old life. I can’t even begin to live in this one until I put the old one to rest.”
“That’s why you’re selling the house?”
“Partly.”
“You’ll ring if you need us?”
“Yes.”
“Good then. I’ll let you get back to it.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, I love you.”
Dayne hung up before she could utter a sound. He did it every time. You would think she’d get a clue and say something before he ended his calls with that final line, but she didn’t. She knew why he did it. One thing about Dayne that appealed to her was his intelligence. It was just a shame he was using that smart mind to get at her. Declaring his love like that meant it was the last thing she heard whenever he rang, guaranteeing she’d be thinking about it for ages after.
Miki hung up the receiver and went back to the dining table. Not that it really bothered her to hear him say he loved her. No, what bothered her was that it made her miss him. Miss them and all they were offering. With a sigh, she plonked down in her chair. Five days without seeing them. Five days of continuous phone calls that should have driven her batty. Instead she lived for those scant few minutes where she got to hear one of their voices. Damn. She was so screwed up. And probably screwing up the best thing that ever happened to her into the bargain.