Love, Lust & Faking It

by Jenny McCarthy

  What winds up happening as a result is that by the time our partner tells us they love us, we get angry inside because they actually fell in love with our pretend self. We morph into who we really are, and our partners think we have changed. But we’re truthfully showing them for the first time who we really are.

  I even had this happen in my relationship with you. Yes, you reading this. I had a facade that I was this ball-busting, tough, belching, loud cheerleader on this show called Singled Out. This is not how I am in my everyday life. When I auditioned for the show, I tried to figure out what hadn’t been seen in a hot chick on TV. No pinup had dared to make fun of herself the way I did, so I played the act and became really famous for something I was not. Living up to that facade was hard on me. Everywhere I went people wanted me to punch them in the arm or stick my tongue out. Every red carpet I went to, the photographers would scream at me to pick my nose in the picture. I thought this was how I would win your approval, your love. I thought girls would like me more because I wasn’t trying to be hot. It worked because it was a breath of fresh air to see a girl belch and not care what she looked like. But I became so tired of the act that it began to make me crazy. Every magazine I would open up, I was making a wacky face. I kept talking about being this free-spirited, wacky, fun chick, when all I did was sit at home every weekend and play chess with my fifty-year-old boyfriend.

  Then one day I woke up and said, Enough! I went out to a red carpet event, and the photographers shouted, “Do something crazy, funny.” I replied, “No, I’m all done with that.” They slowly put their cameras down and refused to take my picture. I was in shock! Even my date was in awe of the protest the photographers were making. I stood my ground and posed like a normal human being. Maybe one flash went off before I moved on. This went on for two years. Every red carpet I went on, I fought with the photographers to let me just pose pretty. I didn’t show up in magazines for two years, and it got to the point where people would say to me, “Do you work anymore?”

  It’s just like in a real relationship when you start to reveal who you really are, and your boyfriend might not like the true you. He might get angry that you had changed. That is what happened in my career, and it was devastating. I decided that when I made any sort of a “comeback” I was just gonna be real—even if I seemed boring, even if people didn’t like it.

  Pamela Anderson is another prime example of this phenomenon. Her pretend self is the sexiest woman in the world. We expect to see sex dripping down her fingernails all the time. If she had cut her hair and made her boobs smaller ten years ago, would we still like her? Who knows? I think we can all tell she is struggling in her forties to hold onto the facade of being the sex kitten we all want her to be. This is in no way an insult to Pam. I like her. I have seen the side that you don’t see, and she is the “no makeup sweatpants Mom” who is completely normal, but she wouldn’t dare drop the facade for fear of your disapproval. Hopefully, one day she will feel safe enough to.

  Let’s examine the pretend self a little more … What the hell are we so scared of? What’s the worst that could have happened if we had answered honestly instead of all the lies we tell our new boyfriends at the beginning of a relationship? “No, I don’t really like basketball.” Maybe his response would have been, “Okay.” Wow, can you imagine? He might have been fine with the truth. Let’s move to the next one, “I don’t really like your crazy aunt.” He might have just said, “Yeah, me neither.” And we could have laughed about it instead of listening to the crazy bitch talk about her chest infection. Let’s do the next one: “I really don’t want to miss my girls’ night out.” He might have been bummed, but I also suspect that he would have found the honesty more of a turn-on than if I had stayed home with him.

  I’m in the painful process right now of revisiting my behavior at the beginning of each relationship I ever had. And like I said in the beginning of this chapter, sometimes it’s embarrassing to live through it again. But the more I look back, the more I become aware of what I did and the joy I sacrificed as a result. Hopefully now I will be able to recognize when my pretend self pops up in a relationship and stop myself from trying to trick my future man into thinking I’m perfect. I hope, just like in my career, I can feel okay with being liked by some and hated by others. Authenticity makes the world a better place.

  [29]

  Aphrodisiacs: So We Don’t Have to Fake It

  aph-ro-di-si-ac

  Pronunciation:

  Function: noun

  1: an agent (as a food or drug) that arouses or is held to arouse sexual desire.

  1. Bat Meat

  In Indonesia and Malaysia bat meat is one of the most popular ways to get things rockin’ in the bedroom. It’s easy to find (usually at your local supermarket or from street vendors), and costs virtually nothing. It’s the street hot dog of the East. But we’re not talking about making the bat into some nice tangy spread to put on crackers; you eat the whole thing—head, wings, and all. Not unlike a lobster dinner. Yum.

  2. Rhinoceros Urine

  If you’re still waiting to experience that mind-blowing night of sex and you don’t really care what you put in your mouth, then India or Nepal is the place for you. It’s here that you can purchase a cup of rhinoceros pee at the Kathmandu Zoo. You’ll find it right next to the T-shirts and souvenir DVDs. The animal keepers there collect the fresh pee every single day and make sure it’s bottled quickly to guarantee purity. Just drink a glass shortly before having sex, and turn a regular old night in the sack into a mind-blowing jungle boogie. But don’t forget to bring mints.

  3. Big-Bottomed Ants

  Colombia, South America. These critters are apparently such an awesome aphrodisiac that people give them as wedding gifts to help the just-married couples get off to a good start. Word is they taste great roasted.

  4. Snake Blood

  Poisonous varieties are preferred. Bangkok bartenders are more than happy to stir some snake blood into plain water or rice wine to make it more palatable. But if you’re a real man (or woman), then slurping the blood straight from a newly made puncture in the snake’s tail is the way to go. Apparently, the effect hits you in under ten minutes, so wait until after church or that important presentation to drop some.

  5. Reindeer Antlers

  Reindeer antlers, huh? I guess now we know why Santa Claus has such a big bag. In Scandinavia, arguably the best place besides the North Pole to find a reindeer, locals grind the antlers into a fine powder that is dissolved into hot water a couple of hours before pork time. And the rep for this boner juice is so high that people as far away as China pay Bill Gates-size amounts just to import it.

  6. Spanish Fly

  Spanish fly is, yes, a Spanish fly. One of the oldest known aphrodisiacs, this roach has been used for enhancement of the male organ for centuries. Once you consume one of these babies (crushed up, of course), it’s excreted into the urine and causes the genitals (or in medical terms, the shlong) to swell to enormous size and stay that way for hours. Who needs Viagra?! When taken by women, it supposedly causes a mild itching sensation down there that can be confused with sexual arousal. It’s either that or crabs.

  7. Rhino Horn

  Rhino horn is commonly believed to have originated as an aphrodisiac in Chinese folk medicine, but it’s a popular getter-upper in India as well. Usually it’s taken with a bit of honey. I would hope so. Otherwise how would you get that thing in there?

  8. Oysters

  Raw oysters as horny potion date back as far as ancient Rome. Some believe that this started because of the oyster’s resemblance to the female naughty bit. If my female naughty parts looked like a raw oyster, I think I’d die. Taco, yes. Oyster, not so much. Even though there is no proof that oysters work as an aphrodisiac, they can be fun to slurp on a first date.

  9. Sea Cucumber

  You wish this were an actual cucumber that grows at the bottom of the sea, but noooooo! It’s a huge, sausage-shaped sea creature that stiffens a
nd squirts fluid when disturbed. Sound familiar? In China, this male performance enhancer is cooked into what basically amounts to something like pork fat, which is then spread on crackers. It can’t be consumed whole. That wouldn’t look very macho.

  10. Balut

  In the Philippines, you can buy this aphrodisiac right off the street. The name may sound like some kind of Polish doughnut treat, but it’s wayyy not. It’s a duck egg that contains a fetus about twenty days into gestation. The egg is tapped, flipped upside down, you drink the liquid, then peel the egg to reveal part of a duck fetus and the occasional feather. Okay, you can go throw up now.

  11. Wolf Meat

  In Mongolia wolves are a popular aphrodisiac, especially in the winter. When consumed, the diner has been known to experience a “warming effect” throughout the body. It’s easy to see how this could be associated with jump-starting the sexual appetite. Someone should introduce Hot Pockets over there and save the species from extinction.

  12. Fugu, aka Blowfish

  One of the most poisonous fish in the sea, the fugu or blowfish is considered one of the most potent aphrodisiacs in Japan. Some people believe that it’s the tingling sensation you get from eating the nontoxic part that gives you the sexual rush; others claim that it’s the fish’s testicles that have been soaked in sake that really do the trick. In any case, make sure you get a licensed sushi master to prepare it for you because one bite of the poison part, and you’re dead meat.

  13. Tiger Penis

  In China, Taiwan, and South Korea, the most sought-after “tool hardener” is, sad to say, tiger penis. In theory it’s supposed to increase male stamina when consumed, but all it really does is decrease the already dwindling tiger population.

  14. Green M&Ms

  Green M&Ms have been considered an aphrodisiac since the early 1970s. Not surprisingly, green M&Ms are the only color that still remains from their debut in 1941. Damn, and I’ve been eating the red ones the whole time.

  15. Placenta

  Many people, and not just dirty hippies, believe that eating the afterbirth will catapult their sex drive into orbit. Sheep placenta is even sold over the counter in stores across Asia for this specific reason. But hey, even if it doesn’t put lead in your pencil, it’s still a nutritious start to a great day!

  16. Love Stone, aka Toad Venom

  This aphrodisiac has probably killed more people than it’s gotten laid. The Love Stone, which is basically toad venom, comes from the West Indies but is really only still used in China. Take the wrong amount of this stuff, and that fun time you’re having is going to be your last.

  17. Urine

  Pretty much any kind of urine will do. Baboon urine is mixed with beer in Zimbabwe. Cow urine straight up is pretty popular in India. People have even been known to drink cat urine just so they can have a wild time in the sack. But probably most popular is the human kind. It’s sometimes taken from people who are high on hallucinogens to give it that extra kick. It’s even sold in some grocery stores and usually comes with a free toothbrush. Okay, that last part isn’t true. But it should be.

  18. Ambergris

  Sounds like some sort of precious gem, right? Well, it isn’t. Ambergris has been utilized for centuries as an ingredient in perfume, but its most popular use is as one of the world’s most sought-after aphrodisiacs. What is it? you ask. Why, it’s sperm whale vomit, of course. If that doesn’t get you hot, then I don’t know what will.

  19. Soup Number 5

  If you find yourself in the Philippines and you’re in need of a sexual pick-me-up, just order Soup Number 5 at the nearest restaurant. And if they don’t know what you mean, just tell them you want the soup made of bull penis and testicles. The sexual enhancement properties of this tasty dish are legendary.

  [30]

  Lights Off in the Bedroom!

  Most of us have body issues that drive us crazy. The only person I can say probably doesn’t is Giselle the supermodel. She might have the most amazing body on the planet, but God probably gave her really bad period cramps, cuz no one is getting off that easy. For the rest of the female population, body issues plague our thoughts whenever we try on clothes in front of a mirror, wear swimsuits on the beach, and of course during sex.

  Keeping the lights on during sex exposes every flaw, leaving some of us vulnerable and depressed. It’s when I become most paranoid about myself because I don’t want any man to be less attracted to me—especially considering the fact that I’m getting older. A guy can go score a twenty-year-old whose canooter was not blown out by a baby. I also ballooned up to 211 pounds on my last day of pregnancy, so I can relate to insecure body issues.

  I really envy women who are on the bigger side and have confidence that they are 100 percent hot—lights on or lights off. To me they are sexier than Giselle. Guys are attracted to confidence, and if we can just get ourselves to be like that, we might be okay with a little junk in our trunk. And I guarantee our men would be, too.

  Personally, I don’t think guys care that much. They are so horny most of the time that I don’t think they notice. Sure, they get a boner watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial, but odds are they are never gonna get one of those models, so why do you care?

  I’m not saying I look disgusting. I know I have a good body, but my skin is not the same, with all the stretch marks. It’s awful! And gravity doesn’t help things either. My boobs are so droopy that if I don’t wear a bra, I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally flush them down the toilet when I go pee.

  What men, who are also aging in the bedroom, need to realize is that having the lights off during sex is beneficial to them also. Men have a tendency to get a little big in the belly, and what usually follows are man-titties—which are far worse than any amount of cellulite a girl could ever have. If I wanted to see boobies shake in my face during sex, I would be a lesbian. In the meantime, boys, lights off during sex if that sounds like you.

  The other benefit to a dark room is that I can imagine myself hot and naughty. I can bend in positions that can make me seem like the slut he hopes I am in bed. I have noticed though, as I get older, that I have zero interest in trying to fake being turned on. I want to be lusted over, and I want to lust over him. When you don’t feel lustful in bed while having sex with your man, it can actually feel like you’re getting raped. I know that sounds harsh, but I mean it in terms of “taking one for the team” when you’re not in the mood. It truly is amazing how painful sex can be when it feels like a chore. I still think it’s cruel that we weren’t born with the same sex drive as men, but statistics say men usually die before women, so I guess we get one bonus in the death department.

  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are some brave souls out there who enjoy watching the sexual act with the lights on. I have one girlfriend who says she doesn’t care either way. But she also doesn’t have a C-section scar with fatty tissue hanging over it. I have no idea how porn stars do it. They are under the hottest lights and usually have to contort themselves into positions that are unflattering for most humans. I’ll go with my mom’s point of view on this one, which is, “They are high, and that’s why they don’t care.” That’s actually not a bad idea. Have a little drink if you think your man is gonna want to do it outside at high noon.

  Overall, I think a great compromise in the lighting battle is to dim the lights or use candles. Not only is it romantic, but it really does give nice shading to older skin. Sure, it’s a kind of faking, but that doesn’t matter—I need to feel good for me, otherwise I’m gonna fake more than the lighting.

  [31]

  When Botox Goes Bad

  I was standing backstage waiting for my name to get announced for the first episode of a new talk show, The Megan Mullally Show. (It’s no longer on air, and I can’t help but wonder if that had to do with me.) As I stood there waiting, I tried to do as many mouth exercises as I could. I looked into a mirror backstage and saw drool coming down the side of my mouth. “Oh Gawd! What da he
ll em I gonna do?” Jojo, who does my makeup, looked at me and said, “You look like a stroke victim!”

  The lights brightened, and I heard, “Please welcome Jenny McCarthy!” I shouted to Jojo, “Quick do sumpting!” She replied, “Maybe you should of thought of that before you froze your entire chin with Botox.” The stagehand pushed me out into a glaring bright light, and as I walked onto the stage I saw these huge grins on the faces of the audience; they couldn’t wait to see what wacky crazy thing I was gonna talk about. My heart raced as I got closer to Megan, who gave me that familiar TV host look: “Bitch, if you fuck this up, I’ll kill you.” Thoughts of double-page spreads in every gossip magazine—“Jenny McCarthy overdoses on Botox; loses ability to speak”—flashed through my head. I took a seat opposite the host and listened to the clapping die down. “Jenny, it’s so great to have you here,” the host said.

  Oh my God, I’m supposed to speak now? What am I gonna do? Should I faint? Yeah, I should faint! But then everyone will think I’m on drugs. Maybe I should run off and pretend I have the stomach flu. No, cuz people will still think I’m on drugs. Shit. God, please help me. I slowly blinked my eyes and felt a rush come over me that felt like an angel had just picked me up and dropped me off in heaven. When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to find myself standing inside a cloud in the sky, looking directly at God. He resembled Jesus, but just a little bit chubbier and hairier.

  “God, please help me. I’m supposed to speak right now on TV, but I can’t because my chin is frozen. Wait, my chin is not frozen anymore!”

  God replied, “That’s because you’re in heaven right now, idiot.”

  “Am I dead?”

  “No, I give one pass in a lifetime to people who are about to ruin their lives. And you are about to ruin your life.”