“Too much has changed.”
“I have not changed!”
She felt it as an accusation. A spurt of anger seized her tongue before she could stop it. “Oh, so it is all my fault!”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You meant it. It was not I who brought the matter up, Justin.”
“But you would not even pause to consider it.”
“I did not need to. I already knew … I was well aware…”
His eyes blazed. “You need not say it again. I should have realised it, had I thought as I’ve since had time to think.”
Confusion wreathed her mind. “What in the world does that mean?”
A muscle jerked in his cheek. “You’ve always held back, I see it now. The closer we became, the more you shrank from me.”
“Shrank? What nonsense is this?”
“It’s true, Marianne. You never would let me near you.”
Shocked realisation stopped her tongue for a moment. He had wholly misread her. She had held off from him because she was afraid of giving herself away. But she could not say as much.
“If you mean I kept a proper distance —” He let out a snort of derision, provoking her into retort. “Besides, it’s ridiculous to say so. Have you forgotten how I wept in your arms?”
“When you were a child!”
The scoffing tone threw her into irritation. “I was twelve and more, and all those years I never stood off from you.”
“From the moment you grew into womanhood, Marianne, you would not let me touch you.”
From which, it was evident from his tone, he inferred she found his touch unacceptable. Which was true, but not for the reason he thought. She had no defence, unless she revealed the truth, and that she could not do. She fell back upon a manner as derisive as his own. “It is absurd to bring up my conduct then. We are both of an age to be able to make a decision based upon present circumstances.”
“Oh, you made your decision very clear. I could be in no doubt of your sentiments.”
Marianne tried to hold back, but the revived hurt was too acute. “You never asked me what my sentiments were, Justin. You threw your offer at me without the slightest preparation. If it could be called an offer!”
“Because I was unprepared. It happened too fast. I had not considered…”
“No, you had not considered what it must mean, how it would affect us both. And you had no doubt of my accepting you.”
She saw the truth of that in his flinch. But his eyes glittered.
“Well for me that you did not. You need not fret. I have no intention of repeating the offence.”
She watched him stride away, all annoyance dissipating as despair gripped her. A way back? Dear Heaven, there was an ocean between them!
A yearning to be rid of the whole affair rose up. She ought to leave Purford Park. If she had means to do so, she would. She might look for a post. As companion or housekeeper, for either of which she was well qualified. Though whether Grace would provide her with a reference was another matter. Unlikely, since she would much dislike to be thought ungenerous enough to send her cousin out in a menial capacity.
No, there was only one means of escape. Perhaps Lady Luthrie was right. A marriage — any marriage as long as it was not with the man she loved — would secure her future and take her away from this well of despond.
Chapter Sixteen
With a sigh of satisfaction, Justin watched his cousin sink into the chair opposite, the looser buff breeches and dark purple frockcoat for country wear permitting him to stretch his long legs as he made himself comfortable, crossing his feet at the ankles.
He had not realised how much he liked and relied upon Lord Dymond. Their friendship had been formed in childhood and at school, where they had rallied in support of each other against rival gangs of boys. As adults, they frequented the same clubs and moved in the same circles. Justin trusted him as he knew he was trusted in return, and next to Marianne, Alex had ever been his adviser and confidant.
Had been. Relations with Marianne being all but severed, his cousin necessarily moved into the role of adviser-in-chief.
Alex took a sip of the Madeira thoughtfully provided by his host and grinned across at him. “Had enough of your sister and her betrothed smelling of April and May?”
Justin let out a groan. “You may say so with confidence. Tazewell is well enough. In fact I like him, but it’s the devil’s own work to entertain the fellow when all he wants is to make sheep’s eyes at Jocasta.”
A bark of laughter escaped his cousin. “Should think you must be wishing the pair of them at the devil. That why you wanted me?”
Justin smiled. “A little leaven, Alex. And I hoped you might help me keep the fellow occupied while I attend to business. Higman is champing at the bit.”
“Your agent, eh? Well, what do you need me for? Leave the fellow to Jocasta. Seems keen enough to spend all day with her.”
“Of course they can’t be allowed to roam at large without let or hindrance, you nodcock. Grace would have my head if I permitted it.”
“True. Don’t want to be obliged to hustle the wench into church.”
Justin shuddered. “Don’t raise spectres, Alex. We’ve had quite enough scandal this season, I thank you.”
His cousin gave him a sympathetic look and sipped at his wine. But Justin began to feel uncomfortable as he noticed Alex was regarding him over the top of his glass. He knew that look.
In a bid to deflect question, he tossed off the remaining liquid and rose to pick up the decanter, holding it over his cousin’s glass. “A top-up, coz?”
“Just a smidgeon. Don’t want to appear top-heavy before the ladies.”
For a few minutes, they sipped in companionable silence and Justin hoped he had laid his cousin’s suspicions to rest. In vain.
“What’s to do, old fellow? You didn’t summon me here merely to play gooseberry between Tazewell and your sister.”
Justin grimaced. “It wasn’t a summons.”
Alex’s brows shot up. “Hoped I might enjoy a couple of day’s shooting? Know you better than that, old fellow.”
Which was all too true. Justin had held out the lure of taking out a gun in hopes of disguising his real need. He should have guessed Alex would see through it.
“You always were astute. You must take after Aunt Pippa.”
Alex disregarded this. “Still blue-devilled?”
Justin capitulated. “If you must have it, I think I am going mad! I can’t concentrate, my sleep is all to pieces and if you ask me what I ate this morning, I couldn’t tell you. And it’s of no use to say I should make it up with Marianne because I’ve tried and it’s hopeless.”
Alex surveyed him without speaking for a few minutes. Justin shifted under that penetrating scrutiny, but the relief of speaking out at last was greater than his embarrassment.
“Want me to intercede for you?”
Startled, Justin blinked at his cousin. “No! No, if anything is to be said it must be between Marianne and myself.”
“Then tell her how you feel, man!”
The instant recoil inside made Justin throw up a hand. “And open myself to more of the same? No, I thank you.”
Alex sat up, leaning his arms across his knees and nursing his glass between his hands. “Then answer me this, Justin. Given that Marianne doesn’t care for you as you do for her — not that I believe it for a moment — would you still wish to be married to her, knowing that?”
Arrested, Justin stared at him. It was a new notion, and distinctly unpalatable. All these weeks, he’d laboured under the conviction that he wanted Marianne — at any price.
Jocasta had spurred him into action, breaking through his dilemma, weighing his desire against his late father’s express prohibition. He’d spoken, put his fate to the touch, and Marianne had withered him in seconds.
Not for an instant had it then occurred to him she might not wish for a closer relationship, the intimacy he cra
ved. He’d been smarting ever since, blaming her for what she could not help.
Did he want her on such terms? Could he be content, faced with a wife who had as little desire for his caresses as had Selina? Could he take her, knowing she did not want him? Knowing she was reluctant? Repulsed perhaps?
Even as the question entered his mind, he knew it to be impossible. Was that why he’d been so furious with her? Because he knew, deep down, he could not endure to marry her under these circumstances?
He came out of his unpleasant reverie to find Alex still watching him. He hoped his thoughts had not been mirrored in his face, and felt heat rush up as consciousness claimed him.
“Well, coz?”
Justin drew a breath and let it slowly out. “No, Alex. You’re right. I couldn’t endure it.” He became aware of a gleam of amusement in his cousin’s eyes and balked. “I am glad to afford you entertainment.”
To his chagrin, Alex laughed out. “Devil a bit, old fellow. Ain’t at your expense. At least, it is, but not in the way you think.”
Acid entered Justin’s voice. “Then I will be obliged if you will explain yourself.”
Alex lifted his glass to his lips and drained the remaining Madeira. Then he set the glass down on a convenient table at his elbow and fixed his cousin with a stony stare.
“Time you stopped thinking only of yourself, Justin.” His cousin gave him no chance to refute this charge, holding up a hand even as he opened his mouth. “Know what you’re going to say, but look at it.”
“Look at what?”
“Just going to tell you, old fellow. No need to snap my nose off.”
Justin begged his pardon, aware he sounded frigid. “Well?”
“Take the matter in reverse, my dear coz. Do you think Marianne would wish to be wedded to you if she knew she cared for you more than you do for her?”
The thought was blinding in its novelty. Justin could only gaze at his cousin, the notion revolving in his head, knocking his convictions apart. Was it possible? But she had recoiled from him. She’d made it all too clear she dreaded the intimate side of marriage. She’d been the one to raise the issue of his needing an heir. If we loved one another, she’d said. That could only mean one thing. Or could it?
“Alex, you have set my head in a whirl. Would you have me put it to the test?”
“How else do you expect to find it out?”
“I don’t know.” Justin set down his glass and thrust frustrated fingers into his hair. “No other way, I must suppose. Unless… Would you —? No, I couldn’t abide that either.”
“Then there’s no hope for you, old fellow. Best make up your mind to marry someone else.”
Marianne found it pleasant to walk with someone who did not have any axe to grind with her. The suggestion to get out into the fresh air had come from Alex and she was glad enough to agree. They ambled in the direction of the lake and watched the ducks and swans diving for their food. The innocuous topics entered upon in a desultory fashion soothed Marianne.
Had Lady Luthrie embarked upon her summer visit to her married daughter? She had, but it was married daughters in the plural now, Alex reminded her, since Georgiana, a deal harder to please than her cousin Jocasta, had at last been shuffled off in the previous autumn. However, his mother intended a longer stay with Charlotte, who was increasing again. And Alex was only too glad to take a bolt to Purford Park, since his father had taken it into his head to instruct him in the intricacies of estate management.
“Seems to have some notion he’ll pop off without warning. Balderdash, of course. Sound as a roast, my father.”
“But you must needs learn the ropes surely, Alex?”
“Good God, as if Outram ain’t dragged me in any time these six years.”
“Lord Luthrie’s steward?”
“Says my father won’t think of it if he don’t, and he’d as lief I knew what I was doing before the need arises.”
“He sounds a most forward thinking man.”
“Fellow’s a worse tartar than my mother, if you want the truth. Scares me to death.”
Marianne laughed. “You’ll have to assert your authority, Alex.”
“Pooh! — to quote my cousin Jocasta. He’d see me off in a winking. Not like Justin’s fellow Higman, who’s bleating because he ain’t been paying enough attention to his affairs. Outram would have his nose to the grindstone and no questions asked.”
“Ah, but Higman is only Justin’s agent. I imagine your father’s steward is much more integrated into the household. You must have noticed how servants of long standing are inclined to become dictatorial.”
“Like that Dragon of Jocasta’s, you mean? What the deuce possessed Justin to foist her onto your cousin Grace? Should have pensioned her off.”
“Yes, that is what Jocasta thinks.” She hesitated, but felt Alex was trustworthy enough to be consulted. “To tell you the truth, I’ve wondered that myself, though I was glad of it.”
“Should think you would be. Must be the very devil pandering to Grace’s —” He broke off, reddening. “Beg pardon, Marianne. Shouldn’t speak so of your cousin.”
She returned a faint smile, misliking the reminder of the shambles in her domestic life. “It makes no matter. Grace can be trying, it’s true.”
From the way he kept his lips tightly closed while his eyes smouldered a little, Marianne guessed he felt this to be an understatement. Which indeed it was. She sought for mitigation.
“Well, it has freed me enough that I can think of taking Lady Luthrie’s advice.”
“Ah. Been plaguing your life out, has she? Know she took it into her head you ought to get riveted.”
Marianne began to walk again, impatient of the subject and not wishing to have to look at Alex as she spoke of it. Without intent, she took the route that led the long way around the lake.
“It was good advice, as I’ve begun to perceive. I can scarcely remain here, and although I thought I might look for a suitable post, I cannot think Grace would promote such a thing.”
“Nor Justin neither. Good God, Marianne, have you run mad?”
She glanced at him, unable to help a riffle of amusement at his shocked expression. “I don’t think so, Alex.”
“Then what should take you to fashion such a hare-brained scheme?”
“I haven’t done so. Did I not say I knew it would meet with disapproval?”
“And well deserved!”
“No, why? When all is said and done, what have I been in this house but a companion and something of a housekeeper?”
Alex halted in his tracks, positively glaring at her. “Never heard such fustian in my life! Not such a nodcock as not to see you’re a deal more than that. And don’t try your flummery on me, Marianne. House wouldn’t run without you. Justin’s said so to me a score of times.”
Smiling, Marianne tucked a hand into his arm and urged him onward. “Very well, I concede there is some truth in that. But as I told you, I have rather hit upon marriage as a more acceptable solution.”
“Marriage to whom, may I ask?”
The heavy sarcasm in Alex’s voice was not lost on Marianne, but she chose to ignore it. “That I have not yet discovered. I could advertise, I suppose.”
“Advertise? You’re bamming!”
“I’m not. You may often see advertisements of the kind. I am led to believe there are plenty of gentlemen willing enough to take a female without means, who will instead supply them with an excellent housekeeper.”
Alex exploded with laughter. “Now I know you’re roasting me. Housekeeper be damned, saving your presence! Wish you would cease teasing and pay attention.”
Marianne’s laugh sounded hollow to her own ears, but since she had no real intention of carrying out such a crazy plan, she allowed him to call a halt. “To be truthful with you, Alex, I have not yet fathomed how I should find someone suitable. Perhaps I will beg your mother for her help. She offered as much, after all.”
“Don’t need to do an
ything of that nature,” stated Alex severely. “I’ll tell you just what to do. If you’re set on a marriage of convenience, you’d much better take Justin.”
Her insides clenched and she pulled her arm out of his in a bang. “That would be far from convenient. Besides, he has withdrawn his offer.”
“Makes no odds. He’s still desirous of marrying you.”
Marianne stopped dead, turning to confront him. “Alex, I wish you will not persist in this subject. Why do you imagine I’m looking to marry elsewhere? All is at an end for me in Purford Park, you must see that.”
“I don’t. All I see is you and Justin behaving like a couple of mules. And for what? Good God, anyone with eyes can see it’s been a case between you for years!”
“You are mistaken.”
Her voice tight, her heart leaden, Marianne turned to walk again, this time as briskly as she could. She almost ran towards the bridge, as if she must get away from a discussion as hurtful as it was hateful.
“Hey, wait!”
Alex caught up with her as she stepped onto the stone bridge with its balustrades fashioned from curlicues of iron. Marianne paused in the middle, grasping the railing and staring into the shallow waters below.
The silence became so fraught with unspoken dialogue that she let out a sound between a groan and a scream.
“Feeling better?”
She found herself laughing and became aware of tears trickling down her cheeks. She lifted a hand to dash them away, making a move towards the other side. Alex put out his hand to detain her.
“Not like you to turn into a watering pot. Here!”
Marianne found a handkerchief in front of her face. She grabbed it with a furious gesture and scrubbed at her eyes and cheeks. “I’m not crying!”
“Ah. Wind got in your eye?”
She was obliged to smile, and emerged from the handkerchief to find Alex grinning down at her.
“Know what, Marianne? I’m half minded to offer for you myself.”
An outraged laugh escaped her. “For the Lord’s sake, Alex! That would assuredly put the cat among the pigeons.”
A Chance Gone By (Brides By Chance Regency Adventures Book 2) Page 14