As I drove up to meet Ben at his house, I looked over to the passenger seat where his neatly-wrapped gift sat tied with a shiny black bow. I had ordered maps of all of the lakes we had visited when we made our way up to New Jersey, including one of The Falls, and had them custom framed with small brass labels on the bottoms of each picture. For South Carolina’s Lake Whelchel, I engraved, “Here’s where I knew I liked you.” For North Carolina’s High Rock Lake, it said, “Here’s where I began to love you.” And for The Falls - “Here’s where we’ll spend the rest of our lives.” As I stared at the big black bow, I began to think that maybe he would feel I was rushing this too much. I mean, I told him I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and it was permanently engraved into something he’d hang on his wall. Maybe it was too much. Oh well, too late now.
I arrived at Ben’s house wearing a form fitting black dress - inspired by the bow - and knocked on his front door. I looked back at my car, hoping his mama would at least remember to take his present over to the store for me.
“Hey there, beautiful. Come on in,” Ben said, answering the door in black dress pants and a light green button-down shirt with a yellow and purple paisley tie. It had been a week since I had seen him last and I quickly dropped my overnight bag on the floor, then leapt into his arms.
He pulled me onto the counter once again and I wrapped my bare legs around him. We kissed as though we hadn’t seen each other in months.
“I can’t go another week without seeing you,” said Ben as he kissed my neck and chest.
“Me either. It’s too hard. Tonight is going to be great, though. We’ll have a wonderful dinner out and then we can come back and spend the night together.”
We went from room to room as Ben tossed me on couch after couch but I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I want to make love to you now,” I said in a deep whisper in his ear as he kissed my shoulder.
“We can’t, we’ll miss our reservations and I have something special planned, so we have to be there,” he said as he pulled me to my feet.
“You’re the most romantically frustrating person I have ever met.”
We got in the car and there was a large bouquet of light pink begonias sitting on the passenger seat.
“Seriously, Ben, the novelty of the flowers will wear off one day,” I said as I put them to my nose and took a deep breath in.
“No it won’t. I’ll do it ‘til the day I die.”
Thinking about Ben brought happy tears to my eyes, but in a way, I was also sad. How long would Ben live if Robert died?
We arrived at our favorite Italian restaurant and were seated at the same table Ben and his gorgeous friend Lori dined at over a candlelight dinner. As we were seated, I noticed that all of the tables around us were empty. Not a single person sat near us.
“Ben, did you buy out the entire restaurant for tonight?”
“No, not the entire restaurant.”
Seconds later, a waiter who obviously knew Ben approached our table.
“Will you be having the usual, Mr. Sheffield?”
“Yes, that would be perfect.” Ben turned to me as if he needed to ask me a serious question. He peered over his shoulder, looking for the waiter, who was walking away. “When do you go back to college?”
“In a few weeks. Why?”
“I just want to know when I’m going to lose you to those fraternity boys at Gainesville.”
“Ben, I’m not interested in anyone but you.” I grabbed his hands as I spoke. “You’re the love of my life. We’ll see each other when I go back to school. It’ll be no different than now. Just that in between making out, I’ll be studying for finals.”
Ben laughed. “As long as you don’t forget about me.”
“Of course I won’t.”
We kissed, and immediately afterwards, our entrées arrived. He chose a Tuscan sausage soup for our appetizers and ordered filet mignon for himself and stuffed flounder for me.
“I hope you like flounder,” he said.
“It’s my favorite. I could let you order for me for the rest of our lives.”
“I hope you do, Dani, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Do you mean that?” I asked.
“Yeah, I really do.”
This was so perfect. I hoped his party would be the same.
We finished our meals without leaving a speck of sauce on our plates and headed back to his house. I realized I didn’t quite follow the plan of going to the bookstore first so I could forget my purse, but I had a new plan.
“Can we swing by your bookstore first before going back to your house?” I asked.
“Sure, why?”
“I just like the atmosphere of it so much and I think we should do it on every table in the store.”
“I like the way you think, Danielle Grayson.”
When we got to Something Old, everything was dark and I couldn’t wait to get Ben inside.
Chapter 29
“SURPRISE!” yelled Ben’s closest friends and family members as we opened the door to Something Old.
He jumped back a bit and grabbed on to me, but didn’t say anything. I think he was in shock. Ben collapsed to the floor holding his head in his hands, then stood up and stared at everyone in the room.
“Benjamin, I just want you to know that this was all Danielle’s idea. She planned everything,” said Ben’s mother, much to my own surprise, as she approached us from the crowd of people who surrounded him. She was certainly a lady with class.
The inside was decorated with giant balls of light hanging from the ceiling and votive candles that sat in crackled glass vases lining all of the shelves and tables in the store. Classical music played in the background and I could see my present to Ben on a small gift table next to where his computer sat. Amazingly, the white Christmas lights I had purchased were draped over the tops of the bookshelves that lined all of the walls. A cake that said, “Congratulations on Your First Year!” took center stage on the middle table where piles of books used to be. It was shaped like an open book and looked so real with faded brown edges and Latin words written in gold icing. A table to our right that sat in front of a wall of shelves held the buffet for the night, which Ben and I didn’t touch since we already ate.
Not only was Ben surprised I pulled this off, he was also shocked at who came. His parents never flew out to see him, and their presence made him the happiest I had seen him since he met me. Tristan had made a CD for the night with Ben’s favorite music so after everyone finished eating, we decided to move some tables and set up a pseudo dance floor.
“I can’t believe you did this. How did you remember?” Ben asked me as we danced to Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”
“I remember everything you tell me, Ben. This is a big deal and I wanted to show you that everyone you care about is proud of what you’ve accomplished. Especially me.”
He kissed me and it was then I decided I should give him the present.
“I have something for you.”
“This was quite enough,” he replied.
“No, it’s just something to remember us by.” I went over to the table of gifts and found a secluded corner in the bookstore where we could be alone. As he opened the package and revealed each picture with its engraved message, I could see a small tear trickle down his left cheek.
“This is incredible. It’s perfect. I know exactly where to hang them. I think The Falls is my favorite out of all the bodies of water we’ve made out in,” Ben said as he kissed me and grabbed the back of my neck with his strong hands.
“I’m glad you like it. You’re a hard person to shop for because you already have everything you need.”
“Well, this is exactly right. I love you so much. This means the world to me. If I could, I’d take you away somewhere tropical right now so we could just lie on the beach all day and I could stare at your beautiful face for hours on end. Then we could add another body of water to our collection
of hot make-out spots.”
“That sounds inviting. When do we leave?”
“Benjamin,” called his mother.
“Right on cue,” said Ben.
“Everyone’s waiting for you to cut the cake.”
“Be right there, Mom,” he said as he kissed me one last time before making his appearance.
I looked around the room as Ben began to cut the first slice and I started to flashback again. I shook my head, trying to make it stop without anyone noticing, but I soon realized it was going to happen whether I liked it or not. I started to walk away and then collapsed.
* * *
I woke up with Robert lying next to me in a pool of sweat. His shivering body looked almost as though it would convulse right off the bed. His had a hacking cough that barely allowed him to take a breath in between.
“Robert, darling, what can I do for you?” I asked him.
“Get the doctor,” he faintly replied, coughing again.
I quickly got dressed and found John on the couch downstairs. I assumed he was there to help out with Robert while I had Grace to tend to.
“John, wake up. I need your help. Please go and find the doctor. Robert is very sick.”
“What? Yes, I’m up. I’ll go,” he replied as he put on his shoes, forgetting to even tie them as he ran out the door.
I paced in the living room waiting for their return and finally decided to sit on the couch. I couldn’t go up to the bedroom because I was afraid I’d find Robert much worse off than I left him. It was strange. Even though I, as Danielle, knew it wasn’t Robert’s time to leave us yet, the part of me that was Caroline felt very anxious and scared. I couldn't relax. I began to get teary-eyed as I looked around the ornate Victorian room filled with sentimental objects Robert and Caroline collected during their time as a couple.
“Where is he?” asked the doctor as he burst through the front door, making his way up the stairs in a dead-run.
“Up in our bedroom. He has a very high fever.”
John and I waited downstairs while the doctor checked on Robert.
“This isn’t good. He’s been sick for so long,” said John and pulled me in for a hug.
“I know.”
Rebecca came out of one of the other bedrooms upstairs. She must have been sleeping in Grace’s room and also staying with us to help.
“Is everything alright?” she asked, leaning over the banister on the top floor.
“No, Robert is very sick. I’m not sure what’s wrong,” I replied.
Rebecca quietly closed the bedroom door behind her so she wouldn’t wake Grace and headed down the stairs to give me a big hug. “He’ll be okay. I just know it,” she said, but I knew she was wrong.
The doctor emerged about ten minutes later and said that we needed to take him to his office. Rebecca and John decided to stay with Grace while the doctor, Robert, and I left in his carriage. With a sharp crack of the whip, the horses neighed and took off. I held Robert’s head on my lap, steadying it over the bumps of the rocky road.
Robert was immediately brought into a room when we arrived and I sat out in the hallway on a wooden bench while the doctor worked behind a closed door.
He exited a few minutes later. “Your husband has Influenza. It’s an extreme case and he’ll have to stay here for a few days. Why don’t you go home and get some sleep. We’ll have more answers for you in a few days, but right now, Robert needs his rest in order to get his fever down. This is a complication he couldn’t afford.”
“So, I can’t see him?” I asked.
“No, not right now. We must keep Grace from harm.”
I nodded in agreement.
“It might actually be best if you stayed away from him for a while and didn’t come to visit. This is highly contagious and very dangerous for you and Grace.”
The news shocked me, but Robert would want Grace to be as protected as she could, so I’d have to follow the doctor’s orders. “Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much.”
I peeked through the hammered glass in the middle of the door as best I could. I saw him lying in the bed covered in a blanket. I wanted to burst through the door and shield him in a protective embrace. I had my answer as to how he would eventually die. It wasn’t his time yet though, so I’d just have to make my way back to the house.
I walked home in defeat. Having to explain the situation to John and Rebecca would be another challenge, one which would cause me to have a breakdown. I hoped they would be asleep when I got inside. Thankfully, the house was quiet and I settled into our bed to try and get some sleep.
I held Robert’s sweat-soaked pillow in my arms and sobbed, thinking about the few weeks I’d have left with him.
* * *
Everyone at the party surrounded me while Ben held me on his lap. His mother had called 911, and they were on their way.
“Danielle, we have to get you home,” said Ben as he cradled my head.
The paramedics arrived seconds later, pushing through the crowd of people. A short, stocky woman knelt down beside me and checked out my vital signs, making me follow things with my eyes. Another skinny man checked my breathing and heart rate with a stethoscope. It embarrassed me to have to do all of this in front of everyone at the party. Dozens of guests stood around me, too close for my own comfort, gasping and talking about me as if I wasn’t there.
“What happened?” Shannon asked as she put her arm around me in concern.
“I don’t know. I felt faint and passed out, I guess. It might just be that there were too many people here and I got claustrophobic.”
“That’s never bothered you before,” Shannon replied, tilting her head and squinting her eyes. She got up and walked away, whispering to one of Ben’s friends standing by. I assumed it was about me.
After the paramedics couldn’t find an answer to why I passed out, they packed up their equipment and asked me to call my family doctor. Ben took the advice and told them I would.
“Everyone, can I have your attention for a moment?” Ben asked, standing on the platform towards the back of the room just beyond the red velvet ropes. “I’m really grateful to all of you for coming here tonight and sharing this anniversary with me. Thank you for your love and support. I do think it’s in the best interest of my date, however, to say good-night.”
“We love you, Ben!” shouted Tristan from the crowd.
Ben let out a quick laugh and came to my side, scooping me up in his arms. Again, I was embarrassed.
When we arrived at his house, he laid me down on the couch in the living room and got me a cup of tea. His family stayed at the store to clean up from the night while the rest of his friends went to the nearest hotel to check in.
“I think you need to go see a specialist about this, Dani,” said Ben, as he leaned over and put a cool washcloth on my forehead.
“What are they going to do, Ben? ‘Oh, yup, she’s nuts, put her in the mental institution down the street,’” I sarcastically replied.
“Come on. You’re not nuts, there’s just something going on that we can’t explain because we’re not doctors. Maybe they’ve seen this happen before. What if you have a brain tumor or something?” he asked.
“Ben, I don’t have a brain tumor.”
“You don’t know that. I’m worried about you,” he said as he lovingly kissed my forehead.
“I’ll be okay. I just have to learn how to control it. Let’s go to bed. I’m sorry I ruined your surprise party.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. In fact, you made it more interesting,” he said with a laugh and proceeded to carry me upstairs to the bedroom. He fell asleep in a matter of minutes and I lay there staring at the ceiling. I began to think about everything while Ben was asleep.
Could I be flashing back so much more often because Ben and I were spending more time together? I couldn’t put him through this anymore. I was being selfish. I’d be leaving for college in a few weeks anyway. I had to leave him. The decision was made. As deeply in lov
e as I was with him, I knew I had to create some space between us to see if the flashbacks would stop. I slowly got out of the bed and packed up my things quietly. I left a note on the kitchen island.
Ben,
I love you with all of my heart, but you deserve better than me. I can’t do this to you anymore. Please don’t call me. I need some time to figure all of this out. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. It was the first anniversary of your business and I ruined it, like I’ve ruined every other moment between us lately.
Dani
In one day I had thrown Ben a surprise party, given him the most thoughtful present I had ever given anyone, and decided to break up with him.
I cried the entire way back to Sugar Hill.
Chapter 30
Ben left over thirty texts and fifteen voice messages on my cell phone, none of which I responded to.
*I love you. Call me. You don’t have to leave.*
*Dani, please don’t do this.*
*You’re the love of my life and we’ll figure this out together. You don’t owe me anything.*
*Where are you? Please just let me know you’re alright.*
*Okay, I get it. Just call me when you’re ready.* This was the last text I received. It took me almost a half-hour just to go through all of his messages.
I spent the next week in my room, only emerging to eat and go to the bathroom. Seeing as how I didn’t eat much, which meant I didn’t have to go to the bathroom that often, it was only once or twice a day that I actually got up out of bed. My insides were twisted into a battered mess of sorrow and guilt. Ben deserved someone stable and settled. It was a grueling choice to make, but one I knew was the right decision. However, there was a substantial part of me that wasn’t sure where life would take me after having given up the one good thing I had. In a single day, I’d wake up feeling like I done the right thing. I’d get dressed and ready and twenty minutes later, fall to the floor in defeat.
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