Gavin slides my zipper down and reaches his hand inside pants. “That’s what you said last time, and look what ended up happening,” he mutters back to me.
Oh, I remember.
Last time… as in yesterday. Gavin was buck naked, bent over this here desk, begging for me to have my way with him.
Which I did.
“Shit, Gavin, you can’t do this to me again.”
He starts to unbutton my shirt, and I follow his lead. “You started it, Daddy,” he says. And before either one of us can think rationally, a trait we both seemed to lose several days ago, our shirts are on the floor.
I stand and pull Gavin towards me, then slowly turn him around so that he’s leaning back against my desk. And just as we start to lose ourselves in the heat of the moment, I hear the worst possible sound I could ever imagine hearing…
My office door swings violently open. Both Gavin and I stiffen in each other’s arms and look towards the door. My adrenaline shoots through the roof as I realize that it’s Jayson, my son, staring right at the two of us.
Jayson squints his eyes and shakes his head. “What the?”
I scramble to put my shirt back on and go to say, “Jayson, I can explain. This… It’s not what it-“
My son cuts me off immediately, his eyes darting back and forth between Gavin and me. “I… I can’t believe this. I really…” his voice fades out as he stands frozen and speechless.
I start walking towards him, but he immediately bolts out through the door. Gavin calls after me, “Cole, wait up!”
Then Gavin lunges for my arm as he fumbles with his other hand to finish buttoning his shirt. “I’m coming with you,” he says.
Still in shock, I jerk my arm away quickly. “Seriously, don’t you think we’ve done enough damage? I can’t believe I let things get to this point,” I say.
Gavin’s eyes look as though they’re about to cry. “We didn’t do anything wrong.”
I bury my face in my hands and shake my head. “No, Gavin, we did many things wrong. This whole thing was wrong,” I say, knowing that my words came out way too harsher than I intended them to.
What a fucking mess.
We stare into each other’s eyes for a long moment, both of us in pain knowing that this whole little fling has just come crashing down.
“I’m going after my son. Please don’t follow after me,” I say directly.
Gavin puts up his hands, his gaze hard and bitter. A tidal wave of guilt washes over my body. This whole thing is my fault, I got Gavin into this mess. But now, I need to get us both out of it.
I turn and go to leave, not saying another word to Gavin. I can’t look back.
I need to find my son and fix this mess, whatever that looks like.
I head straight back to my house, hoping that Jayson is there. When I pull up my long driveway, I spot his bike, and my nervous system immediately kicks into high gear.
I walk into my kitchen and spot Jayson with his head down on the kitchen table. I stand in the entryway, at first unsure of what I should do or say. Then I can hear him crying softly. I walk towards him and put my hand on his shoulder, and for the first time since he was born, a tear rolls down my cheek.
I don’t budge, I just keep my hand planted on his shoulder for the next five minutes as we sit together, in silence. Finally, my son looks up at me, his face red and raw. “You know, I haven’t asked you for actual help in a long time. Today, I just needed someone to talk to. I couldn’t find you or Gavin, so I thought I’d try your office. And then…”
“I know, I know Gav. I should have-"
“Is that why you and mom got divorced?” he says, and then instantly starts shaking his head. “Stupid question. Of course it was.”
“Your mom and I got divorced for a lot of reasons. But yes, obviously my sexuality was a hurdle we just couldn’t get over. I meant to tell you. I was going to tell you.”
“But you didn’t. And I had to find out by seeing you with Gavin. How could you let that happen? How could you be with my friend? My best friend?”
My eyes widen and I hold out my hand, signaling to him the deep confusion I’m feeling inside. “Honestly, I don’t know how it happened. And I’m sorry that you had to find out like that. It… It was never meant to last, and it’s over now.”
But as those last few words escape my lips, I feel a pain so deep and so dark, I literally have to sit down to find my bearings.
Part of me knows and feels terrified about the truth…
I don’t want it to be over.
But it has to be.
Jayson snaps me from a trance.
”I need to tell you something," he says.
"Of course. What's going on"
“I messed up, dad. I messed up real bad."
My heart sinks to my stomach. “What’s going on, Jayson?”
His eyes shift towards the window. I put my arm around him and wait. “ I dropped out of school. I couldn’t keep up with my classes.”
If my face could have literally falling off, it would have. “What?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I should have-“
“You’re damn right you should have told me! What the hell were you-“
“Rachel’s pregnant,” he says suddenly, his face numb.
I try to stay calm so I can sort through what he just said. Hell, I’m not even sure I just heard him right. “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
He shakes his head from side to side. “You heard me right. That's why I dropped out of school. I started working three different jobs on campus to help get ready for the baby.”
“Jesus, Jayson, I would have helped you out if I had known.”
He looks at me, his face expressionless again. Then it hits me, he couldn’t have told me…
I wasn’t ready to listen.
Something about being with Gavin, his curious mind and willingness to talk about how he’s feeling… It’s been helping me to be more open-minded myself, to listen better.
“I’m sorry," I say to him. I put my arm on his shoulder and say it again, "I'm really sorry, I wasn't there for you. I should've been."
My son looks at me suspiciously, and rightfully so. I brush away a stray tear that starts to roll down his cheek. “We’ll figure this out. I promise, son.”
I can feel my heart open more with each passing moment. Then I remember Gavin, and that look on his face when I told him that I didn’t want him to come with me.
When I told him we were finished.
When I meant it.
Only now, I regret everything I said to him.
And while I still can’t figure out how the hell we came together, I’m now having a harder and harder time imagining how we can ever be apart.
I just hope it’s not too late…
Gavin
There’s rock bottom, and then there’s even lower than rock bottom. I found a way to hit even lower than lower than rock bottom.
As I walk up the front steps to my parents’ home, empty-handed and with a shattered heart, I try to make sense of how I got here to begin with.
I let a man into my life when I knew right from the start that there was never anything more than just physical chemistry between me and Cole. But I couldn’t stay away from him, and now, look where that got me.
I swallow hard, my chest tightening as I ring the bell to my parents’ front door. My father answers the door, a newspaper in one hand and a pair of eyeglasses hanging low on his nose.
The two of us stare back at each other, neither one of us saying a word at first.
“I don’t know where else to go,” I finally say.
My father shakes his head and opens the door for me. I go to walk past him, but he puts his hand on my chest to stop me. Then, without asking or without warning, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me. Totally shocked, I hug him back.
This was not the reception I expected. It wasn’t the way we left things, when I told him I was gay and he flipped out on me.
When I blocked him from my phone.
Permanently.
“You came to the right place, Gavin.”
I can feel my eyes start to well up as much as I try to resist. There's a sad look in his eyes, a look that I’ve never seen before in my own father’s eyes.
“Did I?” I say.
My father nods once. “I’m so sorry, Gav. I never meant to push you away like that. I don’t care whether you’re straight or gay or you want to marry a camel,” he says, laughing and crying suddenly at the same time.
“Then why did you get so upset at me? Why did you tell me how much I let you down when I told you ?”
He lowers and shakes his head. He rubs his forehead, and then looks me right in the eye and says, “I was terrified, Gav. I couldn’t believe that you’d been keeping a secret from me your whole life. I didn’t know how else to react. I always thought you and I were closer than that.”
“We were. But I’m not perfect, and I was too afraid to tell anybody.”
“And I’m not anybody. I’m your father, Gavin. But that doesn’t matter, I understand why you kept it from me now. I don’t blame you, and I handled it all wrong.”
As we stand in silence, the doorbell rings. I turn and look through the glass storm door.
Fucking. Kidding. Me.
It’s Cole, standing on my father’s front steps. Some timing…
I feel a lightness in my heart, even though I shouldn’t. I should shut my parents’ old wooden entry door on his face.
I look at my dad and he nods, as though he knows everything that’s happened even though he’s heard absolutely nothing about my life since the day we fought.
“I need a minute,” I say to my father.
“I know you do. I’ll be here when you get back,” he responds.
I step outside and shut the door behind me. Cole’s forehead is sprinkled with tiny beads of sweat. “You can’t keep doing this to me,” I say.
He takes a deep breath and his lips break out into the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. ”It’s funny," he says, pausing as he forms his next thought. “I don’t usually get close to people. Correction, I never let myself get close to people. But something about you is making it really hard for me to stay the same. Like,” he pauses again as he runs his hands through his hair and then steps right up to me. “Something about being with you makes me think and feel in the craziest fucking ways.”
I take a step back until I can’t go any further because of the iron railing behind me. “I’m confused, Cole,” I say.
He grabs my shirt and pulls me towards him, obviously not giving a shit about where we are or who is watching. “When I first met you, all I’d ever known was how to keep the fact that I’m gay a secret from the entire world. And I probably would’ve lived out the rest of my life like that. But now, I know I don’t ever want to go back to the old me. And you’re gonna have to put up a really, really good fight to get me to back down and go back to my old life without you. Still confused?”
I absolutely cannot stand the fact that my heart feels like it’s starting to soften.
And as much as I try to restrain myself, I can’t win against my feelings for him either.
“Are you trying to say that you love me?” I say.
He leans in to kiss me, his lips like magic on mine. “I’m saying that you make me feel things I never thought I could feel. Maybe that’s love, I wouldn’t now. I came here to ask you if you’d be willing to find out,” he says.
My mind is spinning so fast it feels like my head is going to fall off. I feel caught between wanting to give him another chance and wanting to run back into my house and hide in my closet.
I really don’t feel like getting hurt anymore,” I say.
“Look at me,” he says as he grabs both of my hands and squeezes them with his large, warm palms. “I will never… ever… hurt you.”
My eyes start to well up. “Never?” I say.
“Never.”
“And what if you do?" I ask him.
“I won’t."
I squeeze his hands and walk closer towards him, not giving a shit who sees us this close. “But what if you do?” I ask again, my voice almost at a whisper level.
Cole pulls me into his body and wraps his arms around the back of my waist. My heart feels like it’s glowing as he squeezes me in his arms. We start to kiss, softly, and I can tell that something has changed just by how tender and sweet our kiss is. “Then I’ll give you my pool basketball set,” he jokes. “No questions asked.”
I let out a soft laugh, but inside I’m beaming. There’s a small part of my brain that’s telling me not to move forward with this man, but my heart and my body are screaming at me to let myself go as deeply as this relationship will allow.
Little did I know just how much depth there was to Cole and me.
Epilogue
”You know I’ll do anything to get in your pants," I say after a long, passionate kiss with Gavin.
He stares deeply into my eyes. He loosens my tie slightly and runs his hands up my neck. “Is that why you asked me to get married, so you could have an all-access pass to my body?”
I shift my body so that I’m straddling his legs and pressing his shoulders up against the leather seat behind him. “All-access pass to your body… I like the ring of that. Should we put that in our vows?”
He bites down on his lip and smiles softly. Gavin unzips the front of my pants and starts to rub my cock. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds for me to get totally hard. “That’s not fair, you know we can’t fuck in the back of this limo,” I say.
He starts to jerk me off over my underwear. “Weren’t you the one to teach me about life not being fair? Besides, those windows are tinted blacker than night. I’m pretty sure you had them customized for this exact purpose,” he says.
“No, they came like that believe it or not. And speaking of coming, if we don’t stop this, I’m going to come all over that nice red tie of yours. We don’t want you going to our engagement party looking all sloppy.”
He pulls away, pretending to pout. “Fine, Daddy, I can wait until later on tonight. But you owe me big time.”
I reach my hand between his legs and grab his package softly. I caress the side of his cock and say, “Don’t worry, sweet baby, you’ll get plenty of me later.”
A broad, gorgeous smile sweeps across his face. “I’m not worried, Cole. I just hope I can concentrate until then.”
“That makes two of us.”
I settle back into my seat and take a deep breath. I can’t believe this is happening right now…
The limo pulls up to the docks where everyone is waiting for us on the boat that I rented for our engagement party.
I start to board the ship with my fiancé, hand in hand, and as we climb the ramp to the top of the boat our family and friends are there, cheering us on.
I feel the urge to cry as we walk onto the boat, but manage to hold back my tears.
For the moment.
Then I look at my son, Jayson, holding his new baby in his arms. I walk towards him and wrap my arms around him and my new grandson, Cole Jr. “I love you so much, Jayson. I know it hasn't always been an easy road having me as your father, but you mean the world to me,” I say to him.
I squeeze the side of Cole Jr.’s cheek ever so softly and say to my baby grandson, “And you are the most amazing little guy on the planet.”
“He loves you too, dad. And he's damn lucky to have a grandfather under the age of forty,” Jayson jokes.
“There are advantages to having a generation of men that seem to reproduce at extremely young ages,” I say. The two of us laugh and give each other another warm hug.
I feel a warm hand slide over my lower back. I turn and see Gavin, the love of my life, as he shakes hands with my son and the two of them give each other a hug. “How’s my little man doing?” Gavin says to Jayson’s baby.
“He’s doing great. This is his first cruise, and I'm pretty
sure he's not going to have any problems finding a date for the night,” Jayson says back.
I nod towards Jayson’s girlfriend, Rachel, who just so happens to be shooting the shit with Gavin’s dad, Rob, off to the side. “And this is our chance to have some real guy talk, while his mom’s currently being detained,” I say.
“Did I hear something about guy talk?" Gavin's father calls to us.
I wave him over and the two of us embrace. We break off into our own side conversation while everyone else mingles amongst themselves. “Pretty incredible setting for an engagement party,” Rob says to me.
We both grab a glass of wine off a cruise ship staffer’s serving platter, and then turn to look out at the Boston Harbor. “Yeah, well, my fiancé is worth it every penny of it and then some,” I say.
We toast our wineglasses and Gavin’s father says, ”I don’t know how to thank you. You being in his life, I've never seen him look so happy.”
I turn and face Rob directly. “Gavin is an incredible life partner, Rob. I should be the one thanking you for raising him into who he is.”
Gavin’s dad processes my words. “Well, I’m damn proud of him, and I’m damn proud of the two of you together.”
“And let's not forget, he’s the fastest growing, and the most creative, advisor at my company. It was his idea to start up a pro bono program to give back to retired veterans who need help with some of their planning. I never would’ve had the balls or the foresight to come up with that idea. And he made it happen.”
A wide smile spreads across Rob’s face. “Cheers, Cole,” he says, clanking wineglasses with mine.
“Here’s to a family that keeps on growing. To our family!” I say.
The captain of the Boston Harbor cruise ship gets on the intercom to officially kick off tonight’s boat ride. As all of our guests mingle hard, I spy Gavin on the other side of the ship, looking at me with those adorable, sexy blues. I wave him over to me, the corners of his mouth curling at both ends as he starts to walk towards me.
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