by Tasha Fawkes
My heart pounded so hard I felt the pulse in my throat. I smiled, covering my dismay, and glanced down at my son. He'd already settled down, his lips making the little sucking motion that tugged at my heartstrings.
There was a heart palpitation in my chest for another reason, a troubling reaction to his presence that started the minute he’d opened the door the first time. I shook my head slightly, to force myself to push such thoughts out of my head, but to also answer his question.
"I didn't even think about…" He grimaced. "I'll have to be a bit more careful about just barging in, won't I?"
"He's used to a lot of activity," I blurted, then regretted my comment. While it was true that Ethan was used to quite a bit of noise at the shelter, the coming and going, the loud voices, and conversations going on at all times of the day or night, I couldn't let Joel know that. "Anyway, I wasn't expecting you for a few hours. I haven't even thought about what to make for dinner." I’d taken on preparing meals, mostly out of guilt, but also because Joel had seemed so stressed about work.
"I've got a few things on my mind, so I decided to come home. Actually, I came to ask you if you and Ethan would like to go for a walk with me in Griffith Park. I find it's a good place to think."
For a moment, I didn't know how to respond. I couldn't exactly say no, could I? Not without offering an explanation.
I nodded. "The stroller’s in the garage."
The day after I arrived, Joel had gone shopping. In no time at all, Ethan had a proper nursery, complete with everything a baby could need. Joel had also purchased a stroller and a high chair. I’d smiled, teasing that Ethan wouldn't be needing the high chair for quite some time, but he'd merely shrugged, saying that he could store it in the garage until then. His generosity had prompted more feelings of guilt and highlighted the dishonesty on my end. How long was this masquerade going to go on? If Kelli achieved her wish and managed to move back in and restore her relationship with Joel, what then?
As Joel headed for the garage, I contemplated that question. I decided that what happened after Kelli got back into the house and settled back with Joel wasn’t my business. I would disappear. I would literally take the money and run. Maybe even go to a different state, start a new life, just me and Ethan. That was extreme, and made me look guilty of something illegal, which maybe I was. Was what I was doing illegal? I swallowed hard, hoping somehow this would have a better ending than I could imagine. For now, I was stuck.
Thinking about leaving here, I realized I would miss Joel. He was a nice guy–to me at least–and to say that I wasn't happy living here in his house would be a lie. My feelings went deeper than that, though. He was the kind of guy I had always wanted—good looking, smart, generous, and good with Ethan. What bigger test of a man's character than leaving a baby on his doorstep and waiting to see what he would do?
Don't go there.
As Joel returned, pushing the stroller through the short hallway with one hand and grasping the brand-new car seat he had purchased with the other, I couldn't help the regret that welled in my chest as he gazed at Ethan with a grin.
"Can he go like that or do we need any supplies?"
I chuckled. "You never go anywhere with a baby without the baby bag," I said. "Diapers, baby wipes, pacifier, and a bottle of milk. He doesn't particularly care for it cold, but in a pinch, and if he's hungry enough, it will do until we get back." I gave him a look. "We aren't going to be gone that long, are we?"
"No, maybe an hour. I've got some work to catch up on in the office later."
Without further conversation, he collapsed the stroller, lifted it in one hand, and gestured for me to exit the house. Holding Ethan, I walked toward Joel’s black Mercedes parked in the driveway, and waited patiently while he fastened the car seat into the rear of the vehicle. I was impressed that he secured it correctly on the first try, as if he'd been doing it forever. As I settled Ethan in and got him buckled, Joel popped open the trunk and placed the stroller inside. Ethan slept through it all. I gazed at him a moment, then at Joel as I moved to the front passenger door.
I've never been inside a Mercedes. I had no idea what model this was, but it was luxurious. The cabin was plush, with touch control buttons, comfortable seats, trimmed with mahogany on the door handles and steering wheel. The dash glistened sleek black and digital.
He climbed in, gestured to the seatbelts, and I fastened mine as he fastened his own. When he pushed the start button, it literally purred.
He pulled out of the driveway, slowing down to navigate the small bump between the drive and the edge of the curb, glancing in his rearview mirror at Ethan's car seat as he did so. He couldn't see Ethan, but he was obviously hyper-aware of his presence in the backseat. Again, I was impressed by his courtesy.
Joel knew the area well, taking turns confidently and, unbelievably, driving past the homeless shelter where I had lived just a week ago, off Los Feliz Boulevard.
He entered the park in the southeast corner. Griffith Park was massive, encompassing over four thousand acres of terrain covered with chaparral. I loved it here, and some day wanted to explore the entire park. When I’d come here before, I enjoyed the smell of the sage scrub and oak and lilacs.
One of my favorite places in the park was the observatory. It was a nice, safe place to people watch and push Ethan in his stroller. Another reason I liked the observatory was because it offered free admission to a number of interactive exhibits, public telescopes, and a planetarium show, which I wanted to see but felt that Ethan was too young. I didn't want him to start crying in the middle of it, so that was on the back burner.
"I come here quite often," Joel said.
"Me too," I replied. "I promised myself that one of these day I would explore every portion of the park."
"Ever been to the Bronson Caves?"
"No," I said, laughing. "I think I read somewhere that the park has a network of trails that spans over fifty miles. I can't do that with Ethan."
"Actually, it's closer to seventy, counting the horse trails, the fire roads, and the hiking trails. Maybe when Ethan gets a little older, he can go on the merry-go-round and ride the ponies or take the train ride."
I nodded, noncommittal. I had to force myself to remember that Joel thought Ethan was his son. I would have no say-so if he decided he wanted to take Ethan somewhere. The thought caused a wave of fear to surge through me.
He parked the car and turned it off, oblivious to my panic, then popped the trunk. I took my cue and stepped out, opening the rear door and unbuckling Ethan from his car seat while Joel retrieved the stroller.
In a matter of moments, he was settled in. I reached for the stroller handle, but Joel grasped it first. I had to shove my hands in my pockets and allow him to do so.
We began to walk along a sidewalk crowded with oak and walnut trees, strolling past the statue of Colonel Griffith, taking in the afternoon pedestrians, keeping a careful watch on bicycle riders and skateboarders. On a warm day like this in the middle of the week, the park was usually pretty crowded, but at the moment it wasn't too busy. We walked for several minutes before Joel spoke.
"Sarah, I hope you don't find this too forward, but I would like to ask your opinion about something."
I glanced up at him, then down at Ethan, smiling that he still slept. "Sure."
"It's about Kelli."
Uh-oh. "What do you want to know?"
“I'm not sure how much Kelli has told you, but we had a rather bad falling out about a year ago. In fact, I didn't even know she was pregnant. Didn't know I was the father until just a few days ago." He paused as we continued along the sidewalk. "You're good with Ethan, and I can tell that you have a great deal of affection for him. He's a very mellow baby, but I don't recall Kelli ever being that mellow. I know I may be breaching privacy, but can you tell me… does she still go out and party like she used to? Is she home with Ethan or do you spend most of the time with him?"
I wasn't sure how to answer, so I stuck to a mi
ddle ground. "I know her schedule keeps her busy sometimes… but as with anything, it's a balancing act." I paused as if thinking. "Partying? I'm not sure. She doesn't confide in me."
He said nothing for several moments. The silence wore on me until I felt conflicted and looked away, afraid he would see the truth on my face. My stomach tightened with the unpleasant knowledge I didn’t want to dwell on. What Kelli and I were doing to him was wrong, even if he was the jerk she said he was.
I slowed my steps, prompting him to also slow, but then I glanced down at Ethan. Come hell or high water, I had to keep going. I would save every penny I earned from this farce. This was for Ethan and I to have a fresh start in life. The only way that would happen was if I could somehow encourage Joel that being with Kelli would be a good thing.
"We all make mistakes, right?" In my peripheral vision, I saw him nod. "Heaven knows, I've made my fair share." That was the truth. He said nothing, and I continued. "People can change. Having a baby… well, that changes a lot of things. Makes you grow up real fast and realize what's most important in life." I wasn't lying about that.
"Thanks, Sarah," he said. "But what about you? What's your story?"
"My story?" I asked, glancing up at him. How much to tell? Best to stick to the truth. "Well, I grew up in the valley. My parents immigrated from Russia after they got married—"
"Russia?" he exclaimed, an eyebrow lifted. "I don't hear any trace of an accent in your speech."
I smiled. "By the time I was born, they were both exceptionally fluent and worked hard to erase their accents."
"And Taylor? That's not a very Russian name."
Again I laughed. "You don't want to know what it was before they Americanized it." He chuckled, a sound that emitted from deep in his chest and caused goose bumps to rise up on my skin. "I lost both my parents in the past couple of years, first my mom to cancer, and then my dad in an accident. I've been on my own ever since."
"I'm sorry to hear about your parents," he said. "Must be tough."
That was an understatement. No way in hell was I going to tell him how rough my life had been this past year, moving between shelters. Wanting to go back to school but with no way to do it. Eventually, the conversation turned to Ethan, and then to small talk. Before I knew it, an hour had passed and Ethan woke up from his nap as we were headed for the parking lot.
Joel glanced at his watch. "I guess we better get back." He sighed. "I had a nice walk, and it was nice getting to know you a little better."
I nodded but said nothing, pretending to watch the antics of a squirrel in a nearby tree. I found it hard to swallow. I was a fraud. From what I'd seen of Joel so far, he was a nice guy. Of course, appearances and being on one's best behavior could always skew the truth, but I knew that sooner or later, Joel's true colors would shine. I comforted myself with knowledge I had learned firsthand.
Once a jerk, always a jerk.
Six
Joel
What the hell was I doing here?
I stood in the lobby of Kelli's apartment building, a row of locked metal mailboxes lining the wall in the alcove to my left. To my right was a nicely decorated lobby of sorts, a place for company or visitors to sit. In front of me stood two elevators, one which I’d planned to get on, and now I wasn’t so certain.
People did change. Maybe having a baby had changed Kelli.
After seeing Kelli walk into my office a few days ago, I couldn't deny that I still felt an intense physical attraction to her. Who wouldn't? She was a gorgeous creature, rounded out in all the right places.
Still, I felt undecided. Should I give her another chance? Give us another chance? Could I let go of everything that had happened? She slept with one of my best friends. How did you just let something like that go?
If I couldn't, if I held on to even a little bit of jealousy, resentment, or anger, it wouldn't work. If I ever lorded my graciousness in accepting her back into my life over her, I knew it wouldn't work.
I had to not only forgive, but try to forget, at least to the point where it wasn't a constant reminder every time I looked at her.
After I got back from the walk with Sarah and Ethan at Griffith Park yesterday, I’d closed myself up in my office and given her a call. I let her know I had questions that needed answers and arranged to meet at her apartment.
Once I got in that elevator and knocked on her door, there was no going back. I would be committed to working this out. There would be no in-between.
Unless, of course, her answers seemed off, like this whole situation seemed, just a little bit.
After several minutes, I finally stepped into the open elevator and pressed the button for the fifth floor.
My heart pounded a little harder now, indecision warring with acceptance. I’d resolved to give Kelli a chance. A chance to explain, a chance to reassess the potential of a renewed relationship. This, most importantly to me at this moment, gave me the potential of becoming a real, full-time father to Ethan. I resolved that no matter what happened between Kelli and I, that I did want to be a part of Ethan's life. Not just with child support, not as an every-other-weekend dad, but truly a part of his life.
The elevator stopped and the door swished open.
I stepped out and found myself at the far end of a carpeted hallway, the textured walls painted a soft silvery blue and dotted with well-done artwork. Several antique-looking walnut tables with curved legs held vases of fresh flowers.
The blue carpet squished softly beneath my feet as I took one step forward, then another, eyeing the apartment numbers as I went. There weren’t many numbered doors. I’d been here before and knew that the apartments in this building, while not ultra-luxurious, were large—as were the monthly rental payments.
Finally, almost all the way down the hall and to the left, where the windows of her apartment would face west to catch the sunsets, which I knew she loved, I raised my hand to the door and knocked.
Seconds later, the door opened and Kelli stood before me wearing skimpy lingerie, her pink areolas showing through the white lacy bodice. The bodice was fastened just under the center of her breasts with one large button and then draped down at an angle, opening toward the waistline, exposing her incredibly flat, toned belly.
I idly took in that flat belly, thinking that she must’ve had one hell of a personal trainer, as my eyes continued to skim downward. A small triangle of lace barely hid the mound of her pussy, the thong straps rising high over her hips.
I hesitated on the threshold. What the hell was she thinking?
She reached out, clasped my hand, and pulled me inside.
Shutting the door, she leaned close to me, pressing her breasts against my chest. Of its own accord, my cock responded. I tried to step back, but she followed.
Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough, because the next thing I knew, her lips had locked over mine, her tongue pressing into my mouth. I inhaled the scent of her perfume and a memory flamed in response—her, naked in my bed. Another of her kneeling on all fours, her ass tucked into my groin, pressing against my erection. My hand under her, tweaking her nipples, my other hand cupping her pussy, one finger sliding in and out of her slit, wet with desire. Her hips rotated languorously, my dick throbbing as I slid that finger in and out, the meat of my palm caressing her mound while my thumb circled her nub, eliciting delicious moans of pleasure from her throat—
"You in there?"
My attention snapped back to the present, and I smiled at her, the heat of the memory still fresh.
A flush of color rose in her cheeks. "I remember too. I remember the heat as you touched me. The way my nipples hardened as that heat spread through my body until it settled into a hot ball of fire in my pussy." She grabbed my ass and pressed against me, rubbing her hips suggestively against mine.
I stared down at her, my body responding but my brain wary.
She placed both hands on my ass cheeks and squeezed, pressing my erection tight to her mound. My heartbeat accelerated as
a rush of sensations surged from my dick to the muscles of my abdomen. I remembered the feel of her pussy holding my cock tight, clenching as if seeking something to grab, the walls of her contracting of their own will.
She trailed her hand down to my bulging erection, tracing my dick through my pants.
She wanted me.
But I needed to be sure she wanted only me.
Then she unzipped my pants, right there in the middle of the foyer. She wrapped her hand around my hot, throbbing cock, pulsing now with a desire of its own. Rubbed her thumb over the head, my silky shaft under the spell of her fingers.
Lifting herself on her toes and closing her eyes, she pressed her lips to mine.
At first, I didn't respond.
She stroked me, once, twice, and nibbled on my lower lip.
My discipline broke and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her close, melding her body against mine. The kiss grew more intense as her warm tongue traced the contours of my lips and then delved farther inside. My body responded, remembering, and my hand automatically reached for her pussy, damp with anticipation. Her heat blossomed in my hand, its flames surging through my body, making my heart beat faster, my breath come harder.
She leaned against me for support, her breasts pressed against my chest, and from her moans, aching for my touch. A throaty moan erupted from her as she grasped my shoulder and stroked my chest. Her palm grazed my abdomen, and I watched her nipples protrude through the lace, hard with desire as I traced the contour of one with the pad of my thumb.
Her breath was warm on my lips, my senses alive and attuned to every nuance of her expression. The warmth of soft flesh beneath my fingertips. My burgeoning erection pressed against her mound. The scent of her skin.
Her gaze traveled over my face, looking for a hint of what I might do. Holding my gaze for a second, she lifted up on her toes and kissed me again, plunging her tongue into my mouth. Unless I stopped her, she would take it all the way. Perhaps she felt she had to prove the connection between us, the old rhythm, the sense of familiarity and comfort. I didn't care, not right now.