by Tasha Fawkes
"What are you talking about, Eric?" I sighed.
"Let's face it, Joel. I know you. You're distracted. It's not just the takeover. Things not going well at home?"
I shrugged. Why would he think that? "Things are going fine."
"The idea of being a father hard to sink your teeth into?"
"Not at all." I leaned forward, folding my hands together as I rested my elbows on the desk. "On the contrary, I'm finding it quite enjoyable. Ethan's a sweet little boy. I find myself growing more attached to him every day."
He nodded as if he didn't quite believe it. "And Kelli? How are things going with Kelli?"
I rarely talked about my personal life with others, even Eric, but he knew me better than anyone. "Not as well as I had expected," I admitted.
"Give it time," he said. "You know better than I do that it can take Kelli a while to adapt to any change in her life."
"That’s true, but…" I hesitated to bring it up, but I needed to talk to someone. "But she doesn't seem to be bonding very well with Ethan."
"How so?"
I sighed. "It's almost as if she avoids anything to do with his care. She doesn't even seem to want to hold him. He fusses when she does hold him, like he senses her nervousness or something. He's perfectly content with Sarah feeding, changing, and holding him, but with Kelli, he kind of goes stiff.” I shook my head, not sure how much to say and not wanting to say too much. "Do you think she has that… what do you call it? Postpartum depression?"
Eric stared at me a moment, then offered an encouraging smile. "Could be, but have you talked to Kelli about it?"
I shook my head. "Not yet. I know that some new mothers don't bond right away, and they get depressed, but she doesn't seem depressed, you know what I mean? It's like she just wants to pick up right where her old life left off."
I wondered if I was being too critical. Maybe even judgmental. Some women probably took longer to adapt to motherhood than others. Especially a woman like Kelli, used to coming and going as she pleased. Her photo shoots were not always scheduled in advance, and some only took a few hours while others could take her away for days, depending on location. Of course, it would take longer for someone always on the go like she was to get used to needing to be at home all the time.
Eric shrugged. "That could be depression, but I doubt it. She's probably just adjusting. But this Sarah… what's she like?"
"You should see the way she takes care of Ethan, the way she looks at him, the way she holds him." I smiled just thinking about it. "It's amazing."
"Well, I suppose as a nanny she would definitely have more experience than Kelli. I suggest you just give Kelli more time. It's only been what, four months since the kid was born?"
I nodded.
"That's all that's putting those worry lines in your forehead lately? Not the potential takeover, not the fact that your father…” Eric cleared his throat. “Is it just Kelli?"
I thought about it. "I can handle dealing with the takeover, and I don't mind being a father. I look forward to spending time with Ethan. I just wish that Kelli… I don't know, I guess I expected her to change, but she hasn't."
She still wanted to go out and party, while I wanted to stay home with Ethan. Yesterday morning, she’d suggested that we drive down to Dana Point, or even San Juan Capistrano, stay the night in a ritzy hotel, wine and dine. She’d been disappointed when I’d said no. I felt somewhat annoyed with her that she didn't understand my decision not to just pick up and leave like before. Between the trouble at work and my preference to relax at home and take care of Ethan, I didn't feel like just dropping everything and leaving town. While we had done that often during our first go around, I hadn't much enjoyed it, knowing that come morning I would more than likely have nothing to show for it but a hangover. But I’d gone along to please Kelli. This time around, I wanted to see what she was willing to do for me.
Eric stood. "Well, you do know that if you ever need to just talk about it, I'll listen. I don't have any answers for you, but I'm willing to listen."
I looked up at him and nodded. "Thanks, Eric, I appreciate it."
He gestured at the papers on my desk. "Those make any sense to you?"
I huffed. "Not really." I began to gather them up. "In fact, I think I'll just take them home. I can't concentrate here. I'll give you a call later, all right?"
"Will do. Hang in there, buddy," Eric said, then left the office, closing the door softly behind him.
What I hadn’t told Eric was that increasingly, I found myself drawn to Sarah. She was pretty enough and had a great figure, which I had not gotten out of my mind since that morning in the kitchen. Still, my attraction to her was much more than that, more than her great body. It was the way she looked after Ethan. Looking after him was more than just a job to her. Seeing them together was a wonder. The way she looked at him so tenderly, you'd almost think that he belonged to her. There was no doubt in my mind how fond she was of Ethan. Unlike Kelli, who seemed to be more interested in what she called her daily retail therapy, or her next spa treatment.
I shook my head, trying to focus on the task at hand, which at this moment was trying to figure out the next step to take to protect my company. I wasn't sure what to do next, and I had a sinking feeling that it was possible I could lose my company. I decided that I would call an emergency board meeting by the end of the week if things didn't look better.
I couldn't concentrate on work with the pressure of all these changes in my life happening at once. Uppermost in my mind was the annoying feeling growing stronger every day that things between Kelli and I were not going to be much different than they had been the first time around. The only change seemed to be the presence of her son. My son.
Wasn't four months a long enough period for a mother to make a bond with a child? I didn't know. Sarah might know, but I didn't want to talk to her about that. Didn't want to drag her into it.
I leaned back in my chair, staring idly out the window, my thoughts revolving around Kelli. Maybe I should just mention it to her. Ask her if there was any way I could help her bond with the baby.
That brought me to another question. Why had I bonded so easily with the little guy? After only one day taking care of Ethan, he’d tugged at my heart. I had grown to love Ethan. I looked forward to watching him grow up. I wanted to do the things with him that my dad never did with me. Play catch. Go to the Dodgers games. Teach him to surf. Whatever he wanted to do, I wanted to be the one to show him how, and teach him that life was about love… about security and a stable home environment.
All the things I had grown up without. That's what I looked forward to. While I had hopes my dad would be a good grandfather, he hadn't been much of an emotional support to me growing up. I wanted to be that for my son.
My concern was that Kelli might never develop a bond with the baby. Maybe she was still too immature. I wanted to settle down, get married, and raise children. Maybe she didn't. She was just about the same age as Sarah, but the two were so different. Then again, I didn't know anything about Sarah’s background. Maybe it was time I found out. The thought appealed to me, but she never talked about herself. Now that I thought about it, it was odd that I knew very little about her other than what Kelli told me.
I sighed, confused and torn. The more I thought about the lack of romance and connection in the rejuvenated relationship between Kelli and I, the more I couldn't help but wonder why she had wanted to reconnect. Since she'd moved back in, I could count the number of times a we'd had sex on one hand. She still seemed emotionally distant, as if resisting the attempt to get too close.
I could understand, to a degree. We'd both been hurt. She'd screwed around on me and I supposed I was still holding that over her. It was something that kept me from committing fully.
We were both walking on eggshells around each other. It had been a month this way and I was beginning to have serious doubts that suggesting Kelli move back in with me so quickly after I'd learned about the ba
by had been a good idea.
Thirteen
Sarah
Ethan slept on the bed beside me. He'd been a little fussy, gas maybe, so I’d brought him into my room and stretched him out on the bed beside me as I sat, contemplating my situation.
It was quiet in the house. Joel had gone to work and Kelli had gone on an overnight photo shoot up near San Luis Obispo. I was grateful for the reprieve. Since our conversation the other day, I felt increasingly uncomfortable around her.
She wasn't overt or mean, but I felt as if she were constantly watching me, especially if Joel was around. She couldn't possibly think that I was interested…
At first, her warning pissed me off. Royally. I was the one doing her a favor. Of course, I was getting paid for it, but without my agreement to this plan, without using my little baby as her hook to get Joel back, where would she be?
After I’d slept on it, I decided to let it go. She was obviously not nearly as confident of her reunion with Joel as I had supposed. Of course, I didn't really know what went on between them behind closed doors. When they were around the house together, I pretty much stayed in my room or in the nursery with Ethan.
After the confrontation with Kelli, I’d begun to have doubts that Joel was the bad guy she made him out to be. That bout of jealousy, the warning I had gotten afterward, left me not knowing what to believe anymore. More often of late, I even began to doubt whether Joel had cheated on her at all. I didn't see Joel as the type of person who would cheat on someone, but then again, what did I know? Most of his attention was focused on Ethan. He seemed much more involved with Ethan than with Kelli, even when she was home.
Of course, it gave me pleasure to see the way he had taken to my son, but with every passing day, my concern grew. And not just for Joel's sake. Over the past week, I had noticed that Ethan bubbled with delight when he heard Joel's voice. Of course, I wanted my baby happy, but each time I saw his baby smile, the cooing sounds he made when he heard Joel talking to him, the worse I felt. I wasn't feeling like a very good person lately. More often, I wondered how I was going to get out of this.
And then I would look down at Ethan and ask myself if I really wanted to go back to a homeless shelter. While the money Kelli had paid me to date was a good start, it would only last so long and it was expensive to live in Los Angeles. Rent was exorbitant. I could go back out to the San Gabriel Valley, or even further east to San Bernardino County, but job opportunities would also decrease, along with pay and opportunities for the schooling I needed to provide long-term support to my son.
A conundrum. That was the word. Morality and ethics aside, I was caught in a conundrum. I gazed down at Ethan and decided to put him back in his crib so I could get a few things done. Once snug in his bed, I gazed down at him. I never tired of gazing at his plump cheeks, cute nose, and the way his fingers moved… those incredibly tiny fingernails. My love for him grew deeper every day, surprising me with the force of it.
Leaving the nursery door open a crack, I headed for the laundry room to switch clothes to the dryer. Just as I passed the front door there was the click of the key in the lock and I spun around as it opened, wondering if Kelli had gotten back early, a sense of disappointment surging through me.
Instead, Joel appeared, and my feelings did a one-eighty, my heart giving a quick thump. My excitement at seeing him didn't bode well, but I couldn't help it.
"Hello," I said, locking my knees so I didn’t sway when the sensation of my head spinning hit me. "You're home early, in the middle of the day."
He nodded and gestured with his briefcase, which he placed inside the doorway of his office. "It's been a tough week at work. Anyway, I wanted to see my son."
I didn’t allow my expression to any emotion as I nodded and led the way to the nursery. "He just went down for a nap," I whispered, watching as Joel placed his hands on top of the retractable side and gazed down at the baby. The expression on his face… my heart ached at that look.
The tension was gone, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "He's beautiful, isn't he?"
I nodded. "He is." I glanced again at Joel, a troubled expression now evident. "Is something wrong?"
He spoke softly as he turned to me. "Would you mind if I confided in you once more?"
"Not at all," I replied, though something told me I should have turned him down.
"I'm beginning to think that getting back together with Kelli was a mistake. I've been giving it a lot of thought… and other than the presence of Ethan, our relationship hasn't seemed to change, not for the better."
I didn't know what to say. What kind of answer was he seeking? Silence dragged on as he waited for me to say something. "Relationships aren't easy," I mumbled. Lame, but what was I supposed to say?
He chuckled low in his throat. "I'm sorry, Sarah, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I know you're not a marriage counselor, but you're just so easy to talk to. It’s hard to be committed to someone when you’re certain things aren’t going to work out."
I smiled and offered a shrug. "I wish I could offer some sage advice, but to be honest, I don't have any."
I glanced down at Ethan but still felt Joel's eyes on me. I wasn't particularly surprised when I felt his hand move from the crib to touch my shoulder. My chest seemed about ready to burst and I turned to him to make some excuse to leave the room, then his hand dropped from my shoulder and caressed my back, settling just above my hip. My heart pounded as I stood there, telling myself to pull away but unable to. A thrill raced down my spine. This couldn't be happening. Could it? Could he possibly be attracted to me? I’d been tamping down my attraction to him for the past couple of weeks.
"She's up in San Luis Obispo on a photo shoot," Joel whispered.
I nodded. Was he suggesting…
I looked up at him, my eyes wide. The pulse throbbed in my throat and of their own accord, my nipples tingled and hardened. Deep in my belly, desire wanted me to step into Joel’s embrace. I didn't move.
He stepped closer, placing both hands on my shoulders, his eyes riveting as he lowered his head and softly brushed his lips against mine. It was brief, feathery light, lasting only a second.
Then he stepped back, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Sarah, I shouldn't have—"
I reached out one hand and touched his arm, conveying my meaning without words. He turned back toward me and kissed me again, this time with a sense of urgency. Heat blossomed inside me, sending a wave of desire throughout my limbs.
I knew at that moment what I should do. I should step away, put a stop to this. But at the same time, I felt his pull, his charisma, the way his body seemed to emanate a wave of heat of its own.
I wanted him. Right or wrong, ethical or not, I wanted him.
So I didn't think, I just responded. As I stared up at him, I took in the look in his eyes, the flared nostrils, slightly open mouth. A noise escaped my throat as his hands reached for my button-down blouse. As his fingers worked at those buttons, without taking my eyes off his, I unbuttoned my jeans and worked them past my hips, pushed them down my legs and to the floor.
Joel unfastened my bra, my breasts freed to the cooler air, enflaming my already hot desire. This was wrong. But I didn’t want to think about anything but the sensations Joel was eliciting.
In moments, I stood naked in front of him. He grabbed my hand and we quickly stepped from the nursery and into my room. When we reached the bed, I grasped the bottom of his shirt and lifted it upward and he ripped it over his head, his slacks, boxers following. I marveled at his sculpted chest as his own gaze riveted to my breasts.
In the next instant, we lay on my bed, the hot skin of his chest pressing close to my breasts, my heart pounding as his erection pressed against my thigh. The look in his eyes captivated me, I had never felt so desired in my life. It was the way he was taking me in, every inch of me, his pupils dilated with desire.
Midafternoon sunlight wafted through my bedroom window, bathing his skin with a soft glow. My
hands traced every contour of his body while his fingers slid along my skin, leaving trails of hot desire in their wake. The mewling sounds erupting from my throat made him grow longer… harder against my thigh. I shifted, wrapped my palm wrapped around his cock, marveling at its size. Hot, hard, velvety at the same time.
His lips were all over me, as if not sure where to land. Nibbling on mine, and then moving downward to nuzzle my jaw, meandering slowly and ever so tantalizingly down along the side of my neck. Then lower. I sucked in a breath as his hot, wet mouth fastened around one of my nipples, his tongue teasing it into a hard nub.
The noises escaping my throat told him how much I enjoyed his attention and he chuckled softly. I grabbed his head and gently pulled his lips away from one breast and guided it to the other, also aching for his touch. He obliged, swirling his tongue over the areola, causing my back to arch as he sucked, teased, blew and then sucked some more.
I wanted more.
Skimming my hands down his back, I grasped his ass, cupping his buttocks as I pulled him closer. He nestled between my legs, his excited gasps matching mine. I slid my hand between us and again clutched his cock, so soft and silky on the outside, all hardness as I slowly stroked its length, then released his shaft to cup his balls.
The groan that my attention pulled from him made me feel powerful, and I repeated the action, stroking, cupping. Desire pulsed through my body, and I instinctively spread my legs wider. His lips came down on mine and his tongue plunged into the depths of my mouth as he opened a condom, then the tip of his cock nudged against my opening. He dipped inside gently, my muscles grasping his shaft.
As if we'd done this millions of times before, our hips began to rock in a perfect, languorous rhythm. Delighting in the sensations and impatient, I picked up the pace, faster, harder. With each thrust of his hips, I lifted my own, gyrating in a small circle, trying to pull him deeper inside me.