“I don’t know. I guess this has taken me by surprise.”
Kayla’s expression looked worried.
“Is it about this? Nathan, if you’re not ready for us to move together, we can postpone it.”
Nathan sighed.
“No, it’s not that. I’m just…”
“What?”
Nathan shook his head, walking forward. Kayla looked at him and followed. They walked to the kitchen.
“Nathan, you’re scaring me. Please tell me what it is that’s bothering you.”
Nathan walked to a table and leaned against it, thinking hard.
“Just spill it, please. I’m thinking of the worst here.”
Kayla waited for Nathan to talk to her. After what felt like a full two minutes, he turned to look at her.
“Kayla, I have to tell you something.”
She sighed, relieved that he was speaking.
“Just tell me. This is getting on my nerves.”
Nathan took a deep breath, and then spoke.
“I don’t think this is the right time to move together.”
Kayla frowned, confused.
“Why not?”
Nathan moved towards Kayla, taking her hands in both of his.
“I think it’s better if things remained the way they are right now.”
“Why?”
Nathan walked back to the table, thinking of how best to say what he had to say.
“This…you and me…I think it best if we give each other some space.”
“What do you mean, some space? We already live in different places.”
“Yeah, I know. What I mean is…”
“Just say it straight, damn it!”
Nathan raised his eyebrows at Kayla. He’d never seen her lose her temper. This made him even more anxious about the whole thing.
“Kayla, I…I wished I loved you the way you deserve.”
“What are you talking about? We’ve spent great moments together. Remember the ice cream day?”
The memory of it made the corners of Nathan’s lips turn up. It was only for a few seconds. He looked at Kayla with a serious expression.
“I didn’t want to tell you this morning because you looked so damn happy. I couldn’t drop this bomb on you. But tonight…we can’t move together without you knowing.”
Kayla waited for Nathan to continue.
“I thought you were just what I was looking for.”
“What? You don’t like me?”
“Baby, of course I do. I just wish I loved you enough.”
Nathan waited, and then spoke again.
“In high school…I was in love with Amanda Tilley.”
Kayla gasped, her mouth open in shock. Nathan saw that her eyes were gleaming.
Nathan proceeded to tell Kayla everything about his story with Amanda. He left nothing out. The only thing Nathan didn’t think he should share was that he had kissed Amanda earlier.
“And so…that’s why I have to give us some time. So we can think things through.”
“You mean to make yourself free for her.”
“No, Kayla. I need to think about how I feel about both of you. I’m just so confused.”
“Things are plain to me, Nathan. You’re still in love with her.”
Nathan hung his head, uncertain about what to say.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Because I thought I had gotten over her! I had no idea that I would see her again.”
“You thought you’d gotten over her. Right.”
“Kayla, Amanda was never supposed to show up in my life again. I thought she was lost to me.”
“And what was this we had, huh? What was I? Just your consolation prize?”
“Consolation prize? Where did that come from?”
“All this was a farce, right? You pretended to love me, hoping you’d convince yourself.”
“That’s not what this was!”
“Liar. This was real for me! Obviously you can’t say the same. No, you close your eyes and see Amanda.”
“You’re getting carried away. Calm down.”
“Shut up! I trusted you, Nathan. I believed you loved me. Gosh, I was so wrong.”
“Baby, let me ex—”
“Don’t you call me that again! We’re through. I don’t want you to speak to me again.”
“Kayla, please! You’re precipitating yourself,” said Nathan as he followed Kayla out of the kitchen. He caught her with her hand on the dorm’s front door.
“Good luck conquering your Amanda,” Kayla snapped before she left.
“Wait!” said Nathan, running forward and stopping in front of the now-closed door. He turned around, walking on the sofa and crashing on top. There was something beside it. Nathan looked up and saw that Kayla, in her rage, had forgotten her suitcase.
Against his better judgment, Nathan went over to the suitcase and opened it. As he’d expected, it contained some of Kayla’s clothes. Nathan picked up the blouse he’d seen her wear the first time they’d seen each other. He would never forget the smile she gave him as she worked on what he’d then thought was her college thesis.
Nathan went back to his bedroom and lay back on his bed, keeping the blouse in his hands. He put it to his nose, taking in Kayla’s familiar scent. It would most likely be his last chance. Then Kayla might be lost to him forever. Nathan looked up at the ceiling, remembering all the moments they’d shared.
Oh, God. Did I just lose Kayla?
Kayla stormed into the new apartment she’d meant to live in with Nathan. She’d given up her previous one, so she had no choice but to be there. Kayla closed the door behind her and ran straight for the bedroom. There, she crashed against the bed, unable to continue holding back her tears.
Damn it, damn it! Nathan’s been in love with someone else all along. And I thought he loved me. How could I have been so stupid!
Kayla had never felt so much pain in her life. She had given her heart to Nathan, and he’d broken it.
Why? Why? Why?
Kayla cried uncontrollably, thinking about all the great moments she shared with Nathan. Those had been such a wonderful seven months. Last summer had been the best time of Kayla’s life. Now, it just made her sad. The thought of all that she’d lost depressed her.
I wish things would go back to the way they were.
Nathan didn’t see Kayla at all the following day. He spent almost his entire shift at work thinking whether he had done the right thing. Nathan thought it was lucky that his performance didn’t suffer. He was deliberately focused on his work tasks to avoid thinking too much.
During his break, Nathan pulled out his smartphone. He stared at the screen, unsure whether Kayla would respond if he sent her a text. He scrolled to her name through his contacts. The photo Nathan had used for Kayla was one he had taken at the beach in Miami the week that they had met. She’d been looking at the waves. When Kayla turned to look at Nathan, he was prepared to snap a candid of her.
As he was too lacking in energy to do much after work, Nathan spent the rest of the day reading the novel Kayla had loaded onto his Kindle. He finished it at a few past ten at night. Needless to say, the novel was fabulous. Nathan wished he could tell Kayla that.
The next day of classes, Nathan sat in a field after breakfast. He had eaten in his dorm after Ashton had left. Nathan hadn’t felt like hanging out yet. He was still feeling bad after (most likely) losing Kayla.
There were steps behind him. Nathan looked and saw Ashton and Claire walking towards him.
“Hey, man,” Ashton said as he and Claire stopped next to him. “We wondered where you were.”
Claire noticed Nathan’s expression.
“What’s wrong?”
“Kayla has left me.”
Claire’s jaw dropped. She looked up at Ashton, and he nodded to confirm it.
“I confessed my feelings for Amanda to her.”
Ashton’s lips formed a thin line.
�
��You took a huge risk, man. How are you sure that Amanda’s going to accept you? I haven’t seen either of you together yet.”
“I’m letting Amanda think over what I told her.”
“You spoke to her?”
“Yes, I told her that I love her.”
Claire sat down next to Nathan and put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t look at her.
“Life’s given me another chance with Amanda, the love of my life. I won’t waste it.”
“I’ll talk to Kayla,” Claire told Nathan.
“If you ask me, she’s a lost cause,” Ashton said.
“I hope she’ll talk to me again one day.”
The three were silent for a moment.
While they were distracted, Kayla took the opportunity to sneak into Nathan’s dorm. She still had access to it, as she hadn’t yet given him back the spare key he’d given her. Kayla looked around to make sure no one was watching, and then entered.
Once she was inside, Kayla didn’t let the feelings rush into her. Everything was exactly as she’d last seen it on that fateful night.
Well, almost, said Kayla, looking at her briefcase. She walked towards it, noticing the zipper was slightly open. She hadn’t left it like that.
Frowning, Kayla opened the case. She saw that her clothes were lightly disturbed. And a blouse was missing.
Taking a deep breath, Kayla stood up and walked to Nathan’s bedroom. It felt painful to be back in the same room where they’d shared a lot of great nights. Kayla did a quick scan of the area. She spotted her missing blouse on top of Nathan’s bed. Kayla went to grab it, starting to cry again. She left the room and then put the blouse back in her case, then closed it.
Without taking another look at the place, Kayla left.
The shock of seeing Kayla again, looking as though it was a day like any other, almost made Nathan faint. She didn’t fail to report to the class, as he’d been so sure she would do. Apparently, Kayla was not one to let personal matters stand in the way of her studies. Nathan didn’t think she was that serious, as she’d once told him that she felt her job as a novelist was enough for her. He had been the reason she decided to enroll for classes.
Ashton gave Nathan a look that mirrored his dismay. They watched Kayla take a seat at the farthest corner in the back.
You don’t have to go that far, Nathan thought. He was looking at Kayla, but she wouldn’t acknowledge him. She seemed to be pretending he was invisible.
“I think she’s pissed off, bro,” Ashton muttered.
“Kayla is heartbroken. That is exactly what I wanted to avoid.”
“Then why did you tell her the truth?”
“I couldn’t keep it from her any longer. It’d have looked worse if we’d moved in together while I still acted as though I was completely loyal to her.”
Kayla paid full attention to the instructor during that class, except to talk to a few students who exchanged words with her. After the class was dismissed, Kayla was the first one out of the door.
“You’ve so lost her,” said Ashton as he and Nathan walked out of the classroom.
“I’m not resigning myself to that. I still want Kayla in my life.”
“What? You want to keep Amanda and your ex? That will be tricky to make work out.”
“As long as it’s possible, I’m up to it.”
A familiar ring sounded just once. Amanda stopped walking and pulled her smartphone from her purse. She saw that she had a text.
I want to see you.
“Who is it?” asked Emmy, who had been walking alongside Amanda.
“Nathan,” she said. Amanda had told Judith and Emmy about Nathan’s visit to her apartment two days ago. They had been excited about it. As for Amanda, her concern outweighed her excitement.
“Is he asking you out?”
“No, not really. He wants to see me.”
Emmy frowned.
“You look so excited,” she said with sarcasm. “Don’t you want to see him?”
Amanda couldn’t help resisting a smile. She and Emmy stopped to sit in a bench.
“I would like to. I want to get to know him better. He’s the first guy in ages that shows interest in me for me, not for what I am or what I look like.”
“Then what prevents you from seeing him?”
“We can’t be seen together. Hilbert would find out and who knows what he might do.”
Emmy shook her head in disapproval.
“If you don’t listen to your heart for once, one day you’re going to wake up old. It will be too late to regret that you never allowed yourself to feel love.”
“It’s not just Hilbert. It’s me. I’m not ready to love.”
“Look, Judith and I just want to see you happy. Truly happy. You have to give Nathan a chance.”
“Have you forgotten he’s taken?”
“I think he’s single now. I saw Kayla today and she looked really out of it.”
“What?” Amanda asked, her voice laced with alarm. “No. Nathan can’t have broken up with her.”
“I think he did. I saw him too. He didn’t look different from usual, but he hasn’t been around Kayla lately.”
“Oh, no. Now I feel guilty.”
“Don’t. If Nathan broke up with Kayla, it’s because he isn’t in love with her anymore. You can’t command his heart.”
“What do I do?”
At the question, Emmy smiled.
“I know just what to do.”
Upon returning to his dorm after classes were over, Nathan noticed right away that Kayla’s briefcase was missing. He looked around and saw the spare key lying on the coffee table. Come to think of it, he wasn’t supposed to be living with Ashton anymore. He’d given up dorm privileges.
Jeez. I didn’t count on this.
Nathan had nowhere to go with such a short warning. And he sure didn’t want to have to go to the apartment Kayla had rented for the both of them.
Sighing, Nathan walked to his bedroom. He saw that Kayla’s shirt was also not there.
She saw I held on to her blouse. What will that tell her? That I’m unable to live without her?
Nathan walked back to the living room. He was on his way to the kitchen when he heard a knock on the door. Nathan walked over to answer it.
“Hi,” Claire said, smiling. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” Nathan replied, letting her in. She surveyed the room.
“It feels lonelier, doesn’t it?”
“It’ll feel even lonelier soon. I’m not supposed to be living here anymore.”
“Really? What did you do?”
“I gave up my dorm privileges, thinking that I would be moving with Kayla.”
Claire sighed, her shoulders sinking.
“I’m sorry, Nathan. You can move in with Oswald and me while you find a new place.”
“No, thanks, I don’t want to be a nuisance to you guys. I’ll find my way.”
“It’s okay, Nathan. We won’t mind having you there.”
Nathan shrugged. He indicated for Claire to sit down in the sofa, and she did. Nathan sat down too.
“I talked to Kayla earlier.”
Nathan looked up at that comment.
“What did she tell you? I broke her heart, didn’t I?”
“You did,” Claire affirmed, nodding. “Kayla told me she’s been feeling…lifeless.”
Nathan covered his face with his hands.
“Oh, my God. I’m sorry I did that to her.”
“Kayla’s managed to put up a brave front, but she’s heavily damaged inside. I don’t know where she’s getting all that strength from.”
“I wish I could take away her pain.”
“Kayla loves you very much, you know. Even if it’s an unrequited love.”
“Not entirely. I do love her.”
“But you’re not in love with her. The woman you love is Amanda.”
“I’ve been trying to make Amanda see that we can be together, but she keeps running away.”
Claire looked at Nathan in confusion.
“Amanda runs away from you? I don’t understand.”
“That’s the point, neither do I. She claims that she’s dangerous to me. It doesn’t even make sense.”
“The only danger I can think of is that you might want to prepare yourself for a few brawls. With a woman like Amanda, lots of guys will hit on her. It’ll piss you off.”
Nathan looked at the floor, lost in thought.
“Do you think Kayla will ever talk to me again?”
“I hope so, but she’s hurt right now.”
“I really want to talk to Kayla, but I want to give her some space. Let her think this through.”
“She’ll recover, Nathan. One day soon, you’ll be able to talk to her again.”
“The worst thing is that Kayla thinks it wasn’t real for me. She accused me of using her as a ‘consolation prize’.”
“Understandable,” Claire said. “When people are hurt, they don’t think straight. They say harsh things.”
Nathan didn’t reply to that.
“I want you to know it was clear to me that your love for Kayla was true. You didn’t use her. You just strived to make her happy.”
“Hopefully she’ll realize that soon.”
Nathan didn’t see either Amanda or Kayla the next few days. He could understand why the latter wasn’t talking to him, but Nathan didn’t know why Amanda hadn’t even texted him back. Had she meant it when she said she only wanted to be his friend? And he had gone and confessed his love to her.
During those days, Nathan had managed to secure a room at Lansing West. He felt lucky to have gotten an apartment there, especially one of the cheapest. By Friday, Nathan had moved in and unpacked.
Almost a couple of hours after coming back from work, Nathan’s smartphone vibrated in his pocket.
Where are you?
A feeling of surprise came over Nathan when he saw that the text was from Amanda. He also felt relieved that she had contacted him after days of being a no-show. He typed up a reply.
In my room @ LW
Nathan smiled, waiting to find out what Amanda’s reaction to that would be. She didn’t know that he had moved to Lansing West with the intention of being closer to her.
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