by Lucia Franco
Chapter Fifteen
Kova placed his hands on my hips and slid them around to the small of my back. His fingers were a gentle touch that contradicted his brusque personality. He pulled me close, pressing our chests together and held me to him. The beating of my heart sped up and butterflies swirled in my belly while I waited, trying desperately to steady my breathing.
Giving in, I wrapped my arms around his back the same way he held me, letting myself melt into his warm embrace with a soft sigh I hoped he hadn't heard. I waited patiently for him to speak. I couldn't look at him though, I didn't trust myself being this close, so I rested my cheek on his chest. Kova turned to the side and shifted me with him with a natural finesse, as if he'd done it so many times. Dropping his hips back against the railing, he stretched one leg out and kept the other bent, giving me just enough space to nestle between his hips. Lacing his fingers behind me, he rested them just above my butt.
It shouldn’t have been right how naturally comfortable we were together.
"You are not going to like what I have to say," he murmured.
My stomach tightened. "I can handle it," I whispered.
"You know, that is something I admire immensely about you. You are always so ready to take on anything thrown your way without fear. It is an admirable trait."
I smiled. "I hope that wasn’t the piece you were willing to share."
He huffed out a laugh. "No, it was not."
I stared into the sky, listening to the crowd around the corner and the fireworks booming prematurely in the distance. We were hidden, obscured, and in our own world.
"I am so stressed out," he started. "And I have no outlet, so everything is building inside me."
"What do you mean no outlet?"
"I have no one to talk to about it."
I frowned. "Have you been writing? I thought that helped."
He shook his head. "The more I write, the more I convince myself of the truth. I feel like it is backfiring on me. My thoughts go deeper and darker and I find myself more lost than ever."
"The truth about what?" I prepared myself for his answer.
He waited a long moment before he responded.
"About Katja. She is standoffish. She does not speak to me like she used to. I find her up at all hours of the night on her phone or lying there awake in silence. She has pulled away from me and it is messing with my head. Things are tense between us. I thought coming here would help since she wanted to, but something is off with her and I cannot put my finger on it. I feel like when two people are in love with one another, they should be completely consumed with each other."
I froze. Everything in me turned ice cold. My first instinct was to pull away, I didn't want to hear how he wanted to be obsessed with Katja. It was appalling and it shocked me to the core. It reminded me of where I stood and what I was to him.
But I couldn't show that. I knew I couldn't, not after I practically begged him to share with me.
"Are you saying you want to be consumed with her?" I hesitated. "Or that you are, and she isn't reciprocating the feeling?" I cringed on the inside, not liking the direction of our conversation.
I chewed the inside of my lip and held my breath waiting for his response.
"You don’t have to answer," I said softly, letting him off the hook.
Kova sighed deeply, shaking his head against mine and tightening his arms around me. "I honestly do not know," he whispered.
"Would it be a bad thing if she wasn't?"
"Yes, it would be terrible. I cannot fathom it."
My heart broke at the dejection in his voice, and for myself. Here we were, wrapped in one another, and his big reveal was that his girlfriend wasn't consumed with him…the way I am.
A thought occurred to me then. I wondered if he yearned for affection more than wanting infatuation with someone. It made me extremely curious, and as much as I wanted to know more, I didn't push.
"Maybe you're projecting." I swallowed down my hurt and tried to ease his mind. "After everything that's happened between us, Kova, it's natural to be paranoid when you're guilty of the ultimate sin."
Kova shifted his legs, then briefly pressed his lips to the top of my head. "I had not thought of it like that, but it definitely makes a lot of sense. I was feeling guilty…because I am guilty. I am so guilty it sickens me. My mind replays everything and my anxiety builds. It is like taking steps up an endless staircase. I have been paranoid as fuck and I did not realize it until you said that word. My gut says she knows, but my head says she does not because there has been no trace of anything. It is just my own betrayal thinking she is unfaithful when she probably is not."
"Have you ever cheated on Katja before?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.
"No, never," he said immediately.
"Have you ever suspected her to be unfaithful?"
"No."
I swallowed and burrowed into him. His body was so warm. There were so many other emotions I should have felt other than the one consuming my heart and smothering me like a black cloud.
I should've been outraged, insulted by his admission. But oddly enough, I wasn't. He wasn't being dramatic or exaggerating, he wasn't looking for pity. Kova spoke from his heart, so I put myself in his shoes and thought about the burden he carried on his shoulders.
It was my fault. Not entirely, but I was a huge reason why he was stressed. He'd never cheated until me, and if I hadn't come around, he might not have.
Empathy was not something I expected to feel for Kova after everything, and it was running rampant through me. Sometimes I forgot he was human too.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry she's been distancing herself from you. I think your mind is playing tricks on you due to our affair. Katja has no reason not to be committed." It hurt to defend her in a way. My head spun from the dizzying emotions flowing through me. I wanted him, but he wanted her.
"She has no one else here, though," he said, his voice full of regret. "So I feel like I am the reason for a lot of things that do not go as planned."
I lifted my head and looked up at Kova. "Stop thinking like that, she has friends. If she didn't want to be in the States and she wanted to return to Russia, would you let her go?"
He hesitated for a bit, and my hands roamed his strong chest as he brushed the blowing strands of hair behind my ear.
"I would never force anyone to be with me. That is not who I am or would ever be." His words penetrated my soul and the memory of something he once said flashed through my head. "I made her a promise long ago, and now I do not know if I can keep it, even though it would be the right thing to do. I am continually stuck between right and wrong."
"No, you would never make anyone do anything against their will, not after it was done to your mother."
Kova’s lips formed a thin, flat line. He nodded subtly, his face softened like he appreciated someone understood him. He was the result of a rape, and his poor mother had been molested on countless occasions.
"It was a cousin, right?" I asked. I thought about my cousins and shuddered with repulsion. I couldn't imagine such a thing.
A shadow appeared in his eyes, and he looked away. "I lied to you that day." Oh, God. My stomach dropped and I waited. Another lie. "It was not her cousin. It had been her uncle, her father's brother."
That was somehow worse, but it all made sense why her parents hadn't believed her and had kicked her out once she was pregnant.
Kova might lack morals, and his ethics were downright questionable at times, but he was undoubtedly a man with a good—yet slightly twisted—heart.
The tips of my fingers slid along the dark hair around his neck and up his jaw. "I'm sorry I've made things difficult for you since I came to World Cup. I've made your life so much harder." I pulled my hand back and looked away, unable to hold his gaze.
Kova tugged me to him, gripping me with a little shake. "Look at me." When I didn't, he guided my face toward him. "Ria, pozhaluysta, look at me."
He knew that would get my attention, and a tiny smile pulled at his mouth.
"Pozhaluysta," I repeated the best I could, then whispered the sentence under my breath. "Please?" I asked.
"It can mean please, or you are welcome. Though, I did not place the word in the correct structure, I said it in a way you would understand." He paused and reached for my wrists. Bringing my hands to his mouth, he placed a gentle kiss to the center of each of my palms. My skin tingled where he pressed his lips, little flickers of desire trickled down my arms. With our bodies pressed together and the friction mounting between us, my emotions were on overdrive.
"You have not made my life harder, if anything, you have made it brighter. Pozhaluysta, do not doubt that for one minute."
"What else is on your mind?" I asked, trying to change the subject, and hopefully dousing the glow between us before it turned into something more.
"Has your mother always been so… What is the right word? Abrasive toward you?"
I looked far away over his shoulder. Kova gently tapped my temple with his index finger.
"What is going on inside that head of yours?"
Quietly, I said, "I thought I sensed you in the room." He dipped his head to the side to meet my gaze and regarded me with a look like he thought it was a strange thing to say. I chuckled, fingering the buttons on his shirt. "Haven't you ever gotten the feeling someone was watching you? Or you sensed a presence but didn't know where it was coming from?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's what happened. I sensed you were there, I just didn't know where you were."
Kova wrapped his arms around me again. I loved the warmth he exuded.
"That is a scary thought, you know, to feel another person like that, to know who it is, but not see them."
My stomach flipped. "Yeah, it is. Has it ever happened to you?"
His eyes bore into mine. "Yes."
I took a deep breath, my chest expanded against his.
"I saw your mom with you. Though she smiled, I could tell she was hurting you, and it killed me that I could not do anything to stop her."
I shook it off. "It's nothing I'm not used to from her. My brother is pretty protective and laid into her right before that happened."
Kova lifted my arm and inspected the half-moon marks. His fingers brushed over the indentations. He looked downright ready to murder someone.
"I was looking for your father when I heard another voice raise from his study. I realized it was Xavier. Tell me, what did she say to you that had him so riled up?"
My brows furrowed as voices from the party guests picked up and carried around the corner. I strained to listen. The band in the background announced the ball would be dropping and it was time to tune into the television. A roar of excitement erupted. It was then that I realized how long we'd been gone. At least forty minutes, give or take. A torrent of unease rushed through me. My knees shook and I pulled away, dropping Kova's coat onto a cushioned chair on the balcony. I wondered if my friends were looking for me.
"We have to go."
I wasn't sure how much time was left, but we needed to leave immediately. The guests and band grew louder. I figured we had less than five minutes. As I moved to walk away, Kova placed a hand on my arm.
"Wait… Stay," he whispered.
My eyes widened. "Don't you need to find Katja? The ball is going to drop, and you need to be with her when it happens." I was supposed to be Hayden's midnight kiss, so said Avery.
Kova stood still as he looked deep into my eyes. With a subtle shake of his head, my stomach flipped.
"I am right where I want to be," he murmured.
Chapter Sixteen
Kova left me breathless. As much as I wanted to stay here and ring in the new year with him, celebrate the start of new beginnings, I knew we couldn’t. The meaning didn’t apply to us.
"Kova… Go. Please. This is wrong. Don't do this."
"I know," he whispered. Cupping my elbows, he pulled me close until I fell into him. I pushed against his arms yet gripped his biceps. My sense of right and wrong at war. His fingers glided up my arms and my breathing became strenuous. It was always in his touch how I knew what he felt, in his eyes what he was trying to say.
"We need to leave," I said, my throat dry.
He shook his head. "Not yet."
My heart dropped. If we stayed any longer, we'd risk being caught. "You're certifiable."
He smirked and pulled my hips to his. "Depends on who you ask."
"You're intolerable. What about everything you said about Katja? Your guilt and stress? "
His eyes darkened but he didn't release my hips. "My guilt does not compare to my need for you, Ria."
"I'm going to slap you," I deadpanned.
His eyes twinkled. I should've suggested castration instead.
"I want you."
I shook my head, my eyes pleading with him. "You can't. Please, you can't. I thought the whole reason you pulled me from the meet was so you wouldn't want me. That if I said no, in turn, you would say no." My voice shook. My emotions were climbing and I was on the verge of panicking. We were taking a big gamble being together when the ball dropped. "So all that…" I looked away, my eyes searching into the darkness as if I could see someone, but I couldn't. I swallowed hard. "That was for nothing?"
Kova sighed deeply and didn't say a word. His lack of dispute said it all. Everything he did was in vain. Everything. Pulling me from the meet. Feeling bad about Katja. All of it. Tears burned my eyes and I swallowed hard. I couldn't do this with him, the constant up and down. It wasn't fair.
"All you've done is treat me like shit. I need to go."
Kova's face contorted. A shadow cast over his eyes for a split second and I thought I had offended him. Tightening his grip on my hip, he pulled me flush against him. God, he smelled amazing. His knuckles trailed my temple and down my cheek. He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear and twirled the strand down his finger.
"Krasavitsa," he said, and his tone made my belly curl. I couldn't figure out the meaning of the word, but my nipples hardened in response.
The countdown began in the distance and people started shouting the numbers. My eyes widened and alarm set in. My brain said to leave, but my body wouldn’t move.
I couldn't. I didn't want to.
I made the mistake of looking at Kova. The urge to trace his full lips with mine, then draw them into my mouth was strong. Our mouths were inches apart. I loved his lips, they were his best feature, but I didn't want him to know he still affected me after how harshly he treated me and think he could get away with it. But then he pressed his chest flush against mine and I gulped. The moment I felt his heart thumping against my breastbone, my worry became a passing thought.
I'd once read if you listened to someone's heartbeat that your heartbeat would mimic theirs. It was the connection and makeup of two people who were complete when joined together.
I wondered if the same could be said for us.
My gaze fell to the thumping pulse in the vein near his collarbone. My eyes grew heavy. Reaching out, I glided my fingers over his bobbing Adam's apple as he slowly swallowed under my touch. My nails gently and softly scraped his olive skin. His jaw flexed, his hands trembled on my hips. Behind his steel exterior, Kova was struggling. It was the same song and dance between us.
He started whispering, counting down each number as he drew closer to my mouth.
"Five."
I shook my head. "No."
"Four."
His hand slid to the small of my back as he pulled me into him. "Kova, please…"
"Three."
He threaded his fingers through my hair and leaned down. He licked his lips.
"We can't…" My grip tightened, holding him to me.
He froze for a beat, then his lips tipped up in a sultry smirk. "One. Happy New Year."
His nose grazed mine, hesitating for a mere second before he closed the distance. His lips were soft and supple and gentle, unlike
the man he was. The voices quickly forgotten at the stroke of his tongue along the seam of my lips. Surprisingly, he didn't push. He asked for permission, and without second thought, I granted it.
Heat surged through me and my eyes rolled shut the moment our tongues collided together in an obsessive bruising, yet slow kiss. Kova took control and kissed me hard. My breath hitched in the back of my throat, taking everything he gave, and nearly hating myself for it. I was weak when it came to him. Only him.
It was the slowest yet hardest kiss he'd ever given me that I found myself meeting his demands. I uncurled my hands and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders and fell into the man who caused my emotions to run wild. Kova groaned in the back of his throat. A man succumbing to his unfathomable desires. He pressed and pulled, as if he was making love to me through his kiss. His hand held the back of my head so I couldn't move, not that I wanted to.
Kova's hand moved down my lower back, then roamed my butt. He gave me a good, hard squeeze and tugged me to him before his fingers wandered past the hem of my mini dress and trailed the crease at the back of my thighs and butt cheeks.
Kova abruptly broke the kiss and it left me dizzy. "Are you not wearing anything?" he asked, his voice guttural and raspy.
I lowered my eyes and gave him a flirtatious smile. Reaching down, I pulled his hand higher up my bare skin until he felt the lace of my thong along my pelvis. His eyes glazed over and he fisted the material.
"You know how easy it would be for me to rip these off?"
Growling deep in his throat, he went back to consuming my mouth as his fingers glided along my pebbled skin, playing with the delicate fabric. The cool ocean breeze coasted along my flesh and I quivered in his hold. Desire struck between my legs and my hips moved in a slow rhythm, rolling into his pelvis and the hard length that lay against his muscled thigh. I moaned into his mouth, wanting more.
Damn man knew how to kiss and how to kiss well.
The back of his fingers trailed around my outer thigh to the front. He slipped his hand between us and his knuckles raised the hem of my dress. His thumb pressed on my bikini line and I attacked his mouth with mine. A deep growl vibrated in his chest. Shifting my legs just enough, my panties were instantly wet. The throbbing pulse between my thighs intensified and I leaned into his touch. "Yes," I murmured. His nails teased the elastic. I gasped into his mouth, clenching the back of his neck as his middle finger trailed down the front of my panties, and along the seam of my lips. His touch ignited a blazing fire inside me.