Single Player: Humor, Love, Breast Cancer and a Gaming Girl...

by Nicole, Jamie

  “You know what’s funny?” I ask sheepishly.

  “What?”

  “The reason I thought I didn’t want to see you was because I was sure that once I did, all of the images I created of you in my mind would be ruined… you should know my mind-mom is pretty hot. Like (Like? Really? Have some self control, Cecilia) Wonder Woman hot.” Mom bursts out with a hearty laugh startling poor Master from the tummy rubbing trance he’s under.

  “Incidentally, I love Wonder Woman. I absolutely couldn’t wait until you were born and old enough to dress up in some of those adorable little Under Roo’s. Connor loved his Superman ones and I knew the two of you would have so much fun playing pretend together, I couldn’t wait. I guess it’s ironic that that’s the character you mentioned,” she looks down wistfully and it’s obvious she’s thinking about all the time we’ve lost and can never get back.

  “I guess that’s confusing to hear considering I up and left you guys the way that I did.”

  “Nailed it.” I tried really hard not to sound resentful but I’m a horrible actress and I also happen to be overflowing with resentment.

  “Connor told me your dad didn’t tell you guys what happened to me.” Good, that should explain some of my resentment.

  “I think it’s important that you know that’s exactly what I asked him to do. Please don’t be upset at your dad because it wouldn’t be fair to him when he was only trying to protect me.” Protect her? I don’t like where this is headed and she needs to know it.

  “I can’t promise you how I’m going to feel until I’ve heard your explanation. But, I think it’s best that we get it out of the way and you tell me now, just in case this ends up being our last conversation.” There. Hopefully now she knows better than to get her hopes up because if I don’t like what she has to say, any dreams she has with me in them will need to be readjusted. If I’m unable to either forgive or trust her there’s not a chance in hell that the two of us will ever have any sort of relationship.

  My declaration gets her attention and she sits up straight, pushes her hair away from her face (The same exact way I do! Is hair pushing in DNA?) and gives me her full attention, blue eyes to blue eyes. It’s only a matter of seconds before Master’s back by my side, his instincts immediately picking up on my stress.

  “It all started back when I was pregnant with you. I was doing okay at first. By no means was it an easy pregnancy for me but I’d done it before and knew what to expect. I knew I’d be anxious, depressed, tired. I didn’t deal well with the changes to my body so I just kept myself focused on the day you were to be born.

  When you came everything was alright for the first couple of weeks and then… it wasn’t.” I’m a little spellbound hearing her memories about my birth and I find myself anticipating her description of our short time together.

  “It wasn’t long before I was diagnosed with post partum depression. It was a hundred times worse than the post partum I’d experienced after I had Connor. I just wasn’t able to bond with you and so your father started doing the heavy lifting while I slept all day. Before I knew it a couple of months had gone by and things were only getting worse, so I moved out and your father told me not to come back… so...” What? That makes no sense?

  “Once I left things started to take a turn for the worse for me personally. I started drinking… a lot… and one night after I’d had too much I got in an accident.” She pauses, stares at me, and waits, worry marring her big eyes. When she continues she looks at the floor, wringing her hands in shame.

  “In the accident, a father and son were killed.” She stops and looks back up at me then, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

  “I was arrested on two counts of DUI manslaughter and was soon found to be guilty as charged. I then spent the next twenty years of my life in prison.”

  The whole time she’s talking I continue to feel empty and confused because a major part of her story just doesn’t sit right with me. My dad would have never just kicked her out and written her off. During all my struggles with depression and anxiety he’d been nothing but supportive of me and so unbelievably patient. Who is this man she’s talking about? The man she’s referring to left his wife alone to suffer and that’s not the father I knew.

  “Anyway, that sums it up and here we are now. This is my chance to make things right with you and Connor and I want to do that more than anything. Thanks to Liddy, I’ve found an AA group here in town and I’m going to start seeing a therapist soon. I’m hoping she can help me come to terms with all of this… change. I just really need you and Connor to be by my side right now. I know that despite all the time we’ve spent apart we can still become a family.” I don’t know what she’s expecting me to say but I do know that this feels wrong. My gut is telling me that this is and she is, very… very… wrong. It’s time I leave.

  “I’ve gotta go. Tell Connor and Liddy I said bye and I’ll call later would ya?” My sudden departure seems to shock her. I don’t know what kind of Kumbaya moment she thought we were going to have after her little speech, but clearly it’s going to be quite different than she anticipated. She’ll just have to wait for a reconciliation, kind of like I have for the past twenty six years.

  After everything this stranger just told me about my father I’m going to need some time alone (shocking) so that I can properly process all of my warring feelings. No way am I just going to take her at her word and fall under her spell without digging around in my gut a little more first.

  As Master and I walk out she stands and gives me one last thought to chew on before I have the chance to shut the door on her and her revelations, “Your dad loved you but so did I and it’s partly his fault we missed out on a relationship, not only mine. Just think about it and I’ll be here if… when… you change your mind.”

  Apparently, I appear desperate to her but she doesn’t know me, what I’ve been through, how strong I am, and more importantly what I’m capable of. She’s severely underestimated my patience and will soon learn I have no problem holding out on someone (just ask Ashton) or the outdoors.

  I’m in no hurry to buy the ridiculous tale she just spun for me because I know what I know and that is this: I did know my dad and he’s not the man she just threw under the burden of that heavy bus. As I walk out on my mom something begins to stir in my belly and it’s not the excitement I had hoped I’d feel but instead something much more ominous and not at all pleasant. This woman, she’s not at all to be trusted.

  Fifteen

  Walking home is easier because my mind isn’t focused on fear, the heat, or the blisters brewing on the souls of my feet but instead on the unsettling conversation I just had with “the” mother. By the time Master and I walk up the three front steps that seemed so impossible to descend only a couple of hours ago, I feel completely numb. How could I ever believe anything that woman said when the man that I knew would never, ever, kick a person when they were down. NEVER! For the first time in hours I feel completely safe as I finally open the front door to my sanctuary. What I must focus on now is the fact that despite my discomfort today, I made it.

  The moment we walk through the door Master goes directly to his water bowl and I follow behind and grab myself a cool bottle of water from the fridge. As I’m leaning against the counter quenching my thirst, my cell chimes in my sweaty, weary hand.

  Were you outside

  in this picture? Way to go

  HOTPANTS!

  No need for a signature, he’s the only person on the planet who calls me Hotpants. Who knew a ten word text could make me forget all of my mommy woes? I respond immediately, hoping to feel a connection with him even though we’re thousands of miles apart. I carefully choose each and every one of my ten words.

  Master made me do it.

  Outside is beautiful… Met mom.

  Nothing comes back for several minutes and while I wait I circle my giant couch no less than five times regardless of the fact that I’m both physically and mentally drained.
When it finally chimes my heart starts to beat wildly, excited to see more of his fonted sentiments.

  You look beautiful.

  Hate I missed the mom…you okay?

  Am I okay? Good question. I hadn’t thought so much about how I was feeling but instead how I wasn’t feeling and what I wasn’t feeling was “her”. Until I can figure things out for myself I need to keep it vague since my goal is not to worry him anymore. For once it’s time he lives his life without worrying about mine.

  All’s well…

  Master and I miss you.

  Be good. X’s & O’s…

  Not even twenty seconds go by before I receive his reply.

  That was more than ten.

  No time to be good. ;)

  If you are wondering if ten words and a wink can break your heart, wonder no more, they can. No time to be good translates to I’m being very bad, which in Ashton talk translates to I’m having lots of fantastic, drunken sex. Here goes my undiagnosed tourettes, SHIT, DAMN, Mother F-er, SON OF A BITCH! OUCH! OUCH! MOTHER F-ING… OUCH! Quick, medic to Cecilia’s please. There’s a broken heart here with an Ashton sized hole in it.

  Shockingly the paramedics never show because the one thing I really need they don’t carry and that’s a new heart made of stone because after that last hit, mines been hammered into dust.

  ***

  Having several hours left before Chris comes over for dinner, I decide it’s time for a little gaming since my journey outdoors today was such a success. It’s necessary to help get my mind off of the pain Ashton’s written words unleashed on me.

  Powering on the XBOX feels heady, kind of like I imagine it may feel when I finally get to have the “IT”. Instantly I want to take that thought back because if the dance with no pants feels even a little like this, I think I may cry. Not that I don’t love my games but they’re what I do to escape and I don’t want the most intimate act you can perform in life to be like that. I want it to be the thing that brings me someplace real, someplace that I’m connected to and more than anything I want it to be with someone I love.

  As I sit thinking about how lovely I want the hanky panky to be GamesWoods holler’s into my headset and breaks me from my amorous daydreams.

  “HEY, I thought you were taking a break from us Panties? What’s up girl?” I hear his friends partying in the background and wonder for this first time if this guy ever works.

  “Hey Games, I’ve missed you if you can believe that? I get to play as a reward to myself for performing a rather large feat today. My reward system is simple; one accomplishment earns me one game. So, let’s cut the B.S. and get to it. I have no time for a bunch of girly chatter right now. You ready for some action?”

  “God, Panties. When you talk like that I get so horny. Hell ya I’m ready for some action, let’s do this thing.” Then he calls out to Gayman, “You in bro?”

  “Hells yeah, I’m in,” comes back loud and clear through both of our headsets. “I was just letting you guys have your foreplay. If I were in to chicks I’d totally be in to you too Panties. But, I’m not, so how’s about instead we go and kick some ass.” Somehow I’ve come to love these disgusting boys and I’ve never even met them in person. That’s going on my list. Figure out how to meet my game buddies.

  “Hey, Panties. You just missed MrNotso. He was playing and then bugged off a tourney, said he had some hot date tonight or somethin’. You sure you still want to play even though your boyfriend’s out?”

  “Shut up Games.” I feel sad but also totally relieved. I’m still afraid to talk to him after my little mishap the other night. Who knows what he could’ve heard me say or see me do in the state I was in! “He’s not my boyfriend anymore than you or PaulyG are, so shut it, kick some butt or get off my team. I don’t have any time for gossip girls.”

  “EW BURN!” PaulGayman shouts!

  “Whatever! You want in his gaming shorts bad and we all know it. I’ll drop it for today because I’ve missed you, ya little minx. For now, let’s take all this sexual tension out into the field and Panties?”

  “Yes, Games?”

  “You best bring it.”

  “Oh I’ll bring it, smart ass.” And so for the next two hours I do just that and wreak serious havoc as I kick everyone’s ass. I play as if I have no worries in the world; no long-lost mom, no oversexed best friend, no fear of dying. It’s just me, my dudes and my well-practiced ability to disconnect, where I live vicariously through the digitalized life I’ve worked so hard to create.

  ***

  “Master, when Chris gets here I need you to help me remember to keep my panties on, okay? That’s your job (he always listens when he hears the word job).” His ears perk and he gives me one loud hearty bark, his sign for ‘yes sir’. “Okay, his car just pulled up. Remember, panties on.” Bark. “Good boy.”

  As I approach the door, the unsightly hole in the wall reminds me of all of yesterday’s accomplishments and I can’t help but smile. Go me! It’s hard to believe that only twenty hours ago I had no hope of fixing that myself but now that I can leave the house I will do just that. Tomorrow the first thing on my to-do list will be: try and go to Home Depot and buy a kit to fix the wall and second, try and fix the wall. Easy (not so much).

  I open the door and see my new friend. Wowzers. However did I manage to forget how hot he was in the span of one short day? I’m about to make a fool of myself and say just that when he cuts me off.

  “Wow, you look beautiful.” Oh mama.

  He looks down and shines his great, big, winning smile at me and I can’t help but to reach up on my toes and kiss his warm, smooth cheek in return. When I’m through slobbering all over him, he looks down at me in shock and also like he’s deciding on whether he’ll have me for dinner now or the delicious smelling take out hanging from his arm. Did I already say Wowzers?

  “You look pretty nice yourself, sir.” It must be noted that I’m blushing a fiery, crimson red from the base of my breastbone to the top of my thick skull and I’m sure he’s taken notice. Though I’m embarrassed by the blush, the overwhelming emotion I’m experiencing is hunger and I tell him just that.

  “There are no words currently in the English language to portray just how starving I really am (for both the man-meat and the shrimp I add silently). Starving doesn’t even come close.” I should add that it’s mainly because I walked more today than I have in years but it’s not time for that kind of divulgence yet. First, there’s food that needs to be eaten.

  “Good, because I brought several appetizers and a bottle of wine. Hope you like pinot grigio. Where should I set this stuff up?” As he talks he walks past me to the kitchen like he’s been here a million times before. It’s weird. I feel like I know Chris, like he and I have some kind of connection from a former life, it’s nice. He makes me feel safe.

  “How about a picnic?” I ask, watching as he searches the cabinets for wine glasses and a bottle opener as I lay a blanket down on the floor readying a place to set up our feast. Seeing the lack of soft seating I throw a couple of oversized pillows into the mix and we’re ready. It looks just as I imagine those posh Japanese places in the city do, perfection.

  “I like a good picnic just as much as the next guy. Maybe soon we can go on a real picnic, you know? Outside? What do you think?”

  “I think you’re trying to get me to go outside.” I quirk my eye up at him and he laughs.

  “Busted. Okay, I may have been a bit obvious.” May have? HA!

  “May? You may have been obvious? Like it’s obvious that the sky’s blue? Do you mean that kind of obvious?” He carries the glasses and the wine over to our deluxe indoor dinner site and sits on his pillow before pouring us each a glass of the sweet, chilled wine.

  “I’m just trying to help. For some reason I like you.”

  “Very Funny.” I interrupt.

  “Seriously, your inability to go outside only makes you that much more interesting to me. You’re like a nut I need to crack.” Then, be
fore I can reply to the ‘I’m a nut’ comment, he raises his glass and offers a toast. “To new friends and the adventures we are going to share. Cheers,” he’s trying to be sweet so I’ll play nice, for now.

  “Cheers.”

  We watch each other over the rims of our glasses as we take our first sip of wine and I can’t help but wonder if this easy connection we share would bother Ashton. I do realize that it kind of makes me a bitch to hope it would, but I’m feeling a little jealous of his new life (“little” is used as the understatement of the century in regards to my jealousy) and now that the situation has presented itself, I decide to test that theory.

  “Hey. I have an idea. How about you come over here and we take a picture together capturing the very moment we sealed our new friendship.” He moves across at once. I adore his enthusiasm.

  “Yes ma’am.”

  I take my phone off the coffee table behind me and hold it out with the screen flipped away. Just as the flash goes off he kisses my cheek. ‘Even better’ says the she-devil flitting around the interior of my devious mind. That should do. I press attach and quick type out a text to Ashton.

  Can’t wait for you

  to meet.

  Two fav guys!!!

  XX

  (the double kisses are perfectly appropriate)

  Mean, I know, but I couldn’t stop her. My inner bitch is not to be messed with.

  A while later, after our food is gone, we’re both stuffed and lying flat on the floor when he finally gets to the real reason why he came over tonight.

  “So, I was thinking.”

  “Famous last words, but go ahead.”

  “After you told me all your “stuff”,” why he put stuff in quotes I’ve no idea, “I was trying to come up with ways to help you.”

  “No duh,” oops that was not meant to be said aloud.