“They didn’t touch her, did they?” My stomach tightened immediately. I’d kill the crazy fuckers if they hurt her. I looked at Jules, sitting on his bed, her eyes wide. “Did they hurt you?”
“She was okay, more or less, but she had to get outta there,” Gage said, watching me start to lose my shit.
“So what? You thought you’d fuck her to console her?” I bellowed.
“Crew . . .” Julia whimpered. She buried her face in her hands and my stomach sank right along with it.
“Come on, Crew,” Gage sighed. “Don’t even act like that.”
I looked at him like he was fucking crazy. How in the hell could he have the nerve to tell me, ‘Don’t even act like that’? After seeing him with my girl? Fuck. That.
My anger rose, boiling white-hot, and I had to find an outlet. I slammed my fist through the door, the wood splintering around my knuckle. “Why in the fuck did no one bother to tell me this shit? Huh? Didn’t any fucking one of you think maybe I’d like to know that you two were together?”
I paced a circle, not sure how I walked back into a world I didn’t seem to even know. How so many things, so many important fucking things, were different. How my life as I remembered it wasn’t even my life anymore.
“I did call you, Crew,” Julia whispered, “but you didn’t answer.”
“I’m not that fucking hard to get a hold of.”
“I called you all the time for months!” she cried. “You never answered and when you did, you had like 5 minutes to spend talking to me. I stopped bothering to call you months ago. Months, Crew. Did you even realize that? How was I even supposed to know you cared?”
Gage put his arms around her and I wanted to flip him across the fucking room. Brother or not, the sight of my girl touching someone else was more than I could take.
“What were we supposed to do? Just sit here and wait on you to bless us with your presence? Should I have asked her dad to wait to beat the fuck out of her until you could take a second to answer your phone?” Gage asked.
“No!” I shouted, glaring at him. “I just—”
Gage stood from the bed, standing straight, getting the most of the three inches of height he had on me. “What did you want us to do?”
“Well, fucking my girl wasn’t on the list, asshole.”
“It’s not like we decided to just be together. It just happened.”
“What? You tripped and your cock fell inside her?”
“Crew!” Julia’s mouth hung open in shock.
“It’s not like we planned this,” Gage sighed. “I brought her here that night and she was afraid to go home. For fuck’s sake, Crew, she’d stayed here so many times before that—”
“With me!” I took a step towards him, my blood boiling.
“Crew! Stop this!” Julia said, springing off the bed. “Just stop! You two are brothers. I won’t come between you. This is all my fault . . .”
“No, it isn’t,” Gage said. “We didn’t plan on being together.”
“You’ve said that already.”
“Then let me fucking talk and I won’t have to repeat myself. You’ve moved on. You jetted outta here and did your thing and didn’t bother to call, send a fucking letter, let anyone know what was going on with you. But you expect her to be sitting here waiting on you to pop in?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I was going to tell you before you came home, but I didn’t know you were coming.”
“It was a surprise,” I snorted. “Surprise fucking surprise. Joke’s on me.”
“She’s going to move on, Crew. It’s not fair to ask her not to. And if you don’t like that it’s with me, then I’ll figure that out. You’re my blood.” His shoulders sagged. “But I love her. She needs someone to protect her, to give her the entire world. That girl deserves it and, by God, I want to try to give it to her.”
I turn into a park and drop to the ground, busting out a set of Burpees.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I couldn’t give her those things. I didn’t want to give her those things. Maybe I had at one point, but I didn’t anymore. There were too many things going on in my life to think about settling down or worrying about someone else.
But I loved Julia. And when I got past the anger of seeing her with someone else, my fucking brother, I realized something else—he was the only one I wanted her with. I knew Gage. He was the only guy that would ever be close to being good enough for her. He’d be loyal to her, do everything he promised her. I knew this because he’d always done that for me.
Growing up in Dorchester, the streets were a hard place to be. With a mother working two jobs, Gage and I learned to scrap real quick. It was the survival of the fittest and we always had each other’s back. He never failed to back me up, regardless of what mess I’d gotten myself in.
And I got myself in some messes.
At some point, fighting became an acquired taste, a way to feel alive. Fighting was something I was good at, something that got me credibility and respect on the streets. If Coach D’Amato hadn’t broken up one of my fights in the parking lot of Shaw’s Supermarket when I was fourteen and introduced me to wrestling, God knows what would’ve happened.
Gage was more of a peacekeeper by nature. He’d avoid situations that he knew would probably result in a fight and try to keep everyone happy. My brother could bang with the best of them—he had one of the best right hands I’ve ever seen, but fighting wasn’t his go-to like it was mine. He’d fight if he had to, but he tried to keep us out of trouble.
But trouble was something that just found me.
And the stress of that probably helped kill my mother.
And it’s what definitely killed by brother.
I sprint the last few yards home, feeling my lungs burn, my legs like lead. It’s a beautiful distraction from the ache in my mind.
JULIA
I wrap the sweater tighter around my body and pick up the ink pen. I can hear the people milling about outside. Their music is up entirely too high for this time of night.
I go through the numbers one last time. I will pay the rent in the morning for the next month and the minimum due on my credit card. That will leave me with just enough to cover groceries for the next week if I am careful.
I write out the rent check and then watch everything go blurry behind a wall of tears.
I hate this feeling.
I despise having to worry how I am going to feed my child. I hate the balancing game of “What can I afford this week?” I hate the hope I have that Crew will be by with a little charity because I don’t want to need it. I don’t want to depend on anyone, least of all him.
The tears run freely down my face and I struggle to keep it from becoming a full-blown sob. I’m so tired. I’m exhausted in every way, in ways I didn’t know existed a couple of years ago.
When I married Gage, we never had a lot, but he always made sure we had enough. He was smart and worked hard. I worked until I had Ever and then he didn’t want me working, so he picked up a second job at night.
And then he died.
The loss of him was pure devastation on every level.
Not only did I lose my best friend and the best person I’d ever known, but my entire life changed, too. It took our savings and then some to bury him and even then it wasn’t a burial I wanted him to have. He deserved so much more than I was able to give him. He gave me the world and I gave him a small stone headstone with a name and date on it. “Loving husband and father” is written in a canned script on his stone and, while this is true, it feels like such a slap in his face to have something so simple when he was so much more than that.
I think back to our house in Cambridge and the cozy little life we had. How I’d have dinner made and he’d come home every single day and kiss me like it was the first time he’d ever kissed me.
The music outside drifts through the kitchen door, the vulgar lyrics shaking me out of my memory. I look around the room. The paint is peel
ing above the sink and the wallpaper is drooping in the corner. Reality hits me like a tidal wave, swamping me with more despair than I’ve felt in a long time.
An envelope with blue writing catches my attention, having hidden itself beneath another piece of paper. I pull it out and find the phone bill.
I let my head fall forward after checking the due date.
Gas or groceries next week?
I rest my head on the edge of the table, letting my tears fall to the floor. I feel like I’m failing at everything. I work as hard as I can for what? To barely make it? If it was just me, that would be one thing. But it’s not. I have Ever to take care of, to be a role model for. What am I showing her about life? That you just grin and bear it? Because I’m certainly not showing her how to conquer anything. I’m not showing her what a family feels like. I’m not giving her the traditions I wanted, the full, warm life I always dreamed my child would have. The life I didn’t.
I’m tired of fighting it. It would feel so, so good to let go and just fall. To give up and cry, to throw in the proverbial towel. Because without Gage, what’s the use?
And then I see her in her little green Tinkerbell nightgown, clutching her tattered monkey in both arms. She’s watching me fall apart, her eyes wide, her hair a mess.
“Mommy? You okay?”
I wipe my eyes, trying to rid them of any signs that I’ve been crying. I feel guilty for even allowing myself to think the things that crept into my mind. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hard or not, I will keep fighting for her.
“Yeah, baby. Come here,” I sniffle.
She walks to me and presses her face into my side. “Why are you sad?”
“I’m not. I’m just tired. Why are you awake?” I brush the hair off her forehead and she feels a touch warm.
“My belly hurts.”
I look at the bills on the table again and sigh.
“Let’s get you to bed and see how you feel in the morning, all right?”
“I wish Daddy was here,” she says softly. “Or at least Uncle Crew.”
All I can do is nod.
JULIA
The early evening sun trickles through the curtains. I pull them open and bathe the living room in light. The sun always makes things seem better, but today was a good day anyway. Ever was voted Student of the Week and came home with a ton of stories from school. I found a new position that just opened at work. I’m in a prime position to apply for it and brought the papers home to look through. It would be more money and more benefits, two things I can definitely use.
“Mommy?” Ever asks from behind me. “Can we go to the park? Please?”
I start to say no, but I remember I have to work most of the rest of the week at night at Ficht’s Diner. “You know what, baby girl? That’s a good idea.”
“Yay!” she squeals, jumping up and down.
“Go get your rubber boots on and a jacket.”
I swipe the rent check I made out the night before off the kitchen table and meet my daughter by the front door after getting ready. We head outside and head towards the park.
“Look at that red bird!” Ever says, pointing in the tree above. “Mrs. Bennett says that’s a visitor from heaven! I bet it’s Daddy or Butterscotch!”
I laugh. “It might be. Or it might be a sign of spring. It’s a good thing either way, right?”
She ignores me, craning her head to watch the bird as we turn the corner.
My good mood is suddenly soured at the sight of a dark blue Ford F-150 truck parked next to the business office of our apartment complex.
I growl under my breath and pick up my pace, trying not to drag Ever behind me. The closer we get, the angrier I become.
We are nearly there when Crew walks out. His head is down, his hands stuck into the pockets of his jeans. A gray thermal shirt is hanging loose and a burgundy hat with a golden “M” sits low on his head.
“Uncle Crew!” Ever squeals, dropping my hand and running to him.
His head jerks up. He glances up at me and grimaces, then looks back to my daughter. He bends down on one knee as she leaps into his arms, a grin tugging at his lips as she buries her head into his chest.
“Fancy seeing you here,” I say, unamused, as I reach them.
“Yeah,” he says, his tone equally cool. “Imagine finding you here.”
“Seriously, Crew. What are you doing?”
Ever looks between us, grabbing Crew’s hand.
“What do you think I’m doing here?”
“I’m bringing the rent by now, so it better not be what I think.”
“No sense. It’s paid.”
“Ugh. You didn’t have to do that. Just . . . go back in and get it. I’ll take my check in there.”
Ever tugs on her uncle’s hand, but looks at me. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”
Crew picks her up and sits her on his shoulders. Ever looks down at me from her perch, her little blue eyes sparkling.
“Mommy’s being hard-headed, Ever. No worries.” His eyes never leave mine, his face blank.
“Damn it, Crew,” I whisper low enough that only he can hear.
“No, she’s not,” Ever says, “she’s taking me to the park. Will you come with us?”
“Uncle Crew doesn’t want to come to the park. He has things to do, baby girl.” I reach for her. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“No,” she pouts, pulling away from me. “I want Uncle Crew to come, too. Don’t be a hard head, Mommy.”
“Ever—“ I warn, but Crew cuts me off.
“Ah, monkey. I shouldn’t have said that.” He watches me, his eyes twinkling now, too. Mischief has always made him happy. “Mommy’s just trying to make sure I have things to occupy my time.”
I glare at him and he laughs.
“Like what?” Everleigh asks, confused.
“Like not giving me papers that she finds.”
“Like the one on the door?”
I groan, praying my daughter keeps her mouth shut.
Crew nods his head slowly, a shit-eating grin sliding across his face. “What do you know about a note on the door, Ever?”
“Mommy got a note on the door yesterday. And she said she couldn’t let you see it. I heard her.”
“Everleigh, be quiet.”
“Did she now?” Crew lifts my daughter off his shoulders and cradles her in his arms.
“Tell ya what, monkey. I’ll give you a dollar every time you tell me you see one of those little notes on the door. Okay?”
“Okay,” she says. She looks up at him with so much adoration it almost slays me.
“Crew . . .”
He looks up as I say his name. We watch each other, feeling each other out. I want to argue with him, make him go get his money so I can pay my own rent. But I can’t, partly because there’s something in his eye that makes the words not come out of my mouth. And partly because, as much as I hate to admit it, it will take a huge burden off me.
I sigh and look towards the sky.
“Can we go to the park now?” Ever asks.
I look down at her. She looks so small laying there in Crew’s arms. Only yesterday, it seems, she was a baby.
“Come on.” I reach for her.
Crew twists her up to his shoulders in one smooth movement. His grin reminds me of the Crew I used to know a long time ago.
“Wanna ride on my shoulders, monkey?”
Ever cheers, raising her arms over her head in victory.
“You don’t have to do this.” I take a step away from him. I’m not sure what he’s doing. Crew doesn’t go places with us.
I don’t let him.
He doesn’t want to.
“I believe I was invited by my niece to go to the park. If you don’t want to come, go home,” he shrugs and starts off down the sidewalk.
I watch them walk away, my daughter’s giggles flowing through the air like a pretty song. It warms my heart. But the sight of Crew with her doesn’t.
The
closer they get will just cause her to get hurt more in the end. He’s in a prime position to make her life better or destroy her and I can’t control the way it falls.
I force my feet to move and follow them down the sidewalk and into the park. Crew squats down and lets Ever climb off. She makes a beeline to an open swing and pushes off, pumping her little legs as her hair flies behind her. Crew leans against a tree nearby and watches.
I take a deep breath and stand next to him. The corner of his lips twitch as he waits for me to break the ice.
He can wait all day.
I cross my arms over my chest and ignore him.
He chuckles and pushes away from the tree, standing straight. He isn’t as tall as Gage, but still a number of inches taller than me.
“If you don’t wanna be here, I’ll bring her home.” He doesn’t look at me when he speaks, just watches Ever play.
“Of course I want to be here. I can’t understand why you want to be though.”
He lets his teeth graze over his bottom lip. He turns to face me. His eyes are narrowed and I can tell he’s thinking about how to reply.
“It’s time I man up.”
I bite back a laugh. “Really? You just woke up this morning and thought, ‘Ah, I think I’ll take my niece to the park today?’”
“Something like that.”
“We’ve made it without you coming to the park with us for a long time. Feel free to leave.”
He turns to me and I take a step back. I’ve seen this look a number of times and I know by the way his eyes have darkened, he’s itching for an argument.
“Why do you act like this, Jules?”
“Like what?”
“Like a bitch.”
I gasp, not used to hearing him talk like that to me. “Crew!”
“Well,” he says, spreading his arms out to his sides, “tell me how else to explain it.”
“Like a mother protecting her child!”
“Protecting her from what?”
“You.”
“From me? You’re fucking kidding me, right?”
I shrug and look back to the playground. Ever is now digging in the sandbox with a little girl her age. The sand is wet and getting stuck in her hair. She’s giggling and building a sandcastle; I’ll be picking sand out of the washer for a week.
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