I grab a bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet and pull the cork. I take one gulp, letting the liquor burn down my throat and pool into a fire of acid in my stomach. One more mouthful slides smoothly down and adds to the mix.
That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Her eyes were wide as Julia braided her long locks so we could cut it off. Jules’ hands shook and she kept looking at me, like she wanted some assurance that this was the right thing.
Fuck if I knew. But it seemed better to do it here than to watch it fall out. Ever, Jules, hell even I needed to feel some power in this situation. Everything is out of our control. How powerless would she feel if she had to watch her hair fall out strand by strand? This was the one thing I figure we can control. This was one thing we can take hold of and not let cancer do to us.
Ever gasped when she saw herself in the mirror. Jules and I held our breath, waiting for her response. She ran her hand over her head.
“I look like Caillou, Mommy,” she whispered, referring to a cartoon character she likes. “I look like him, but a girl.”
“You’re much prettier than Caillou.”
“Will it grow back?” Her voice cracked as she touched her head again.
“It will.”
“This will make me stronger, right, Uncle Crew?”
“Yeah. Look at how powerful you look. I wouldn’t mess with you.”
Ever giggles and turns around. “Okay! I’ll believe you. But it better grow back!”
The bathroom door creaks open and Jules comes into the kitchen. She tosses the hair into the garbage. When she looks at me, her face is paler than I’ve seen it.
“Fuck,” I mutter and grab a hold of her. I pull her into me. She wraps her arms around my waist and I rest my chin on her head. “That had to be done. You know that, right?”
She doesn’t say anything, just sniffles. “I don’t know if I can do this, Crew.”
“You have to do this.” I rub her back and she squeezes me tighter. “You know I have to work this week, right? I’ll try to come by the hospital after work, but I can’t afford to take time off.”
“I know,” she whispers.
“If you need anything, you tell me and I’ll figure it out.” I sigh. “I hate that you’ll be there alone. Do you have anyone that can sit with you?”
She shakes her head against me. “Olivia will be by sometimes, but she’s got her own stuff to do and Rory to watch.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “I haven’t told my parents.”
“Don’t.”
“I don’t want to deal with them, Crew. But it is their granddaughter.”
“Think long and hard before you say anything to them. You know they’ll just make it harder on you in the long run.”
We stand in the middle of the kitchen holding each other. Every now and then, we hear Ever giggle or sing some song about sugar.
“I’m working on a few things this week to come up with the money.”
“It’s too much,” she says, pulling back. “How do we come up with that kind of money? I just . . . I’m her mother, Crew! And she’s not going to get what she needs because I just failed her!”
Tears rocket down her skin and I pull her into me again. “Shut the fuck up, Jules.” I know I sound harsh, but I’m on the verge of breaking myself. “You’ve never failed at a damn thing in your life. Take care of her. I’ll take care of the money.”
“How?” she cries.
“I haven’t figured it out yet. But I will.”
Jules sniffles and pulls back again. She wipes her eyes with the end of her shirt. “Thank you.”
I turn my back to her and grab the liquor again. I down another mouthful for good measure.
“Really, Crew,” she sniffles. “You’ve put yourself in the middle of this mess and you could’ve just walked away from us.”
“Stop.”
“No. I want you to hear me,” she says, grabbing a hold of my waist and turning me to face her. “I spent a lot of years not being very nice to you. I . . .”
“Jules, stop. I deserved it all.”
She studies me. “I thought you did. But I don’t think I understood everything the right way. Had I known . . .”
“You don’t get it,” I say, dropping my chin so we are eye-to-eye. “You were pissed because I walked away from you. But I did it on purpose. You see, I did understand. I knew that you being with me, especially then, would fuck you all up. Fuck, I didn’t know if I was coming or going, Jules. You deserved someone that would love you without the fucking chaos that always finds me. You deserved someone that would do right by you, give you babies, come home every night from a 9–5. Someone to treat you like a princess.”
“So you didn’t want me?”
I laugh because she just doesn’t get it. “When I walked in there and saw you with Gage, I realized something. That was the way it needed to be. I didn’t deserve you; I couldn’t give you the things you needed. But Gage could. And he was the only guy I wouldn’t kick the shit out of for touching you because I knew he’d treat you right.”
I shrug and turn away again.
“Crew?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you love me?”
I smile and look over my shoulder. I start to explain something that’s been burning in the back of my mind for a long time. I open my mouth, but I can’t find the words.
Not here. Not now. Not like this.
Instead, I turn, touch the side of her face and look into her eyes. I hope she can see what I feel in them. I hope she can see that I’ve loved her since the day I fucking saw her. I hope she can see that I will love her ‘til the day I die.
CREW
“You want something to eat?” I glance at Ever, lying on the couch. She has her Tinkerbell blanket wrapped tightly around her and is staring blankly at the television.
“No,” she says, her voice shallow.
“You sure? I can make ya something. Maybe an ice cream sundae?” I try to think of things a little girl might like. She hasn’t been eating and is starting to wither away to nothing. “With bananas and sprinkles?”
She doesn’t answer me, just gazes at the screen but I’m not sure if she’s even watching it.
“My belly hurts real bad,” she says finally, squeezing her eyes shut. “Real bad, Uncle Crew.”
I clutch the armrests of the chair I’m sitting in by the window. I don’t know what to do. Jules went to see Mrs. Ficht about her schedule, or lack thereof. She was also going to pick up a heating blanket for Ever at the store. She gets so cold and shakes like a leaf. I don’t know if the blanket will help, but it’s worth a try.
“Make me better, Uncle Crew.”
“Ah, Ever,” I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I’m supposed to be the man, the stability, the unshakable one. But fuck me if hearing those words come out of her little lips doesn’t fucking shake me to the ground. “I’m trying. I promise you, I’m trying.”
“I think I just need a new body,” she whispers, opening her eyes. The pain in the dark irises is palpable. “I want to go back to the way I felt before. When I played with Rory and went to school and slept over at Mrs. Bennett’s house. But I don’t want to move back to our other house. I want to live here.”
“I can’t get you a new body and I can’t make things the way they were. But I can promise you that you won’t have to move out of here until you and your mommy want to.”
“I never want to. I like it here with you.”
“I like you here with me, too.”
She groans and her hands fly to her stomach. “It hurts so bad. It feels like a volcano.” She pulls her knees to her chest and squeezes her eyes closed again.
I’ve never felt more useless, more fucking worthless, than I do right now. It’s the most humbling experience I’ve ever had. I would literally do anything to make her better and there is nothing I can do.
Not one single motherfucking thing.
“Will you cuddle wi
th me?” Her voice is so soft, I barely hear it over Doc McStuffins or whatever her name is. “Please hold me.”
I stand and go to her, sitting at her feet. I lift her up and gently sit her on my lap, pulling her Tinkerbell blanket over her. I tuck it in around her little frame as she lays her head on my chest.
“This feels better,” she whispers.
“I’m glad.”
She lies quietly for a long time and I think she’s dozed off when she speaks again. “I have to go to the doctor tomorrow.”
“You do. They’re gonna start making you better.”
“I know it’s going to hurt.”
I squeeze her even tighter. I can’t refute it and I don’t want to lie to her.
“Will you come see me?” she asks.
“I will. And I’ll bring you taffy.”
“Bring me two pieces.”
“I’ll bring you four.”
Ever yawns and pulls her legs up against her. “When I’m better, will you take me to the beach?”
“I will. And we can go to the park every day.”
“You’ll take me every day?”
“Every day.”
“And to a baseball game?”
I laugh. “Baseball? Since when do you like baseball?”
“I think my daddy liked baseball.”
“He did. He liked the Red Sox. But I think you should like the Yankees.”
“Do you like the Yankees? Because if you do, I’ll like them both.”
I chuckle, knowing if Gage was listening, he’d be having a fit.
“I’m sleepy.”
“Go to sleep then.”
“Will you hold me while I sleep?”
I smile. “If you want me to.”
“I do.”
“Then I will.”
She snuggles against me and I hold her as she falls asleep. For the next couple of hours, I pray to a God I don’t quite believe in.
JULIA
I’m grateful that Ever’s hospital room is at least a little appealing. The bright yellow walls and swirly designs seem playful and fun. Still, it’s a hospital room.
My daughter’s hospital room.
They’ve tried to make it as comfortable as possible for the both of us. What they can’t make comfortable, however, is the gnawing feeling in my stomach.That is what they can’t fix . . . until they fix Ever, anyway. I’m not even sure if that’ll go away completely once she’s better.
Do you ever relax after a diagnosis like this? Can you ever go back to that blissful, cancer-free life?
I look up at the clock. It’s right at noon. My stomach growls, but it’s more from anxiety than hunger, although I haven’t eaten in a few days, really.
I can’t get the sight of Ever being rolled back for the port procedure out of my mind. The port is a semi-permanent I.V. line that the doctors will use to give her medicine. It’s supposed to make things easier and more comfortable for her. They said it shouldn’t take long but it seems like it’s already taken too long.
I’m gonna have to get used to this. This is going to be the way it is for a while.
I’m sitting in a chair that reclines, situated next to where Ever’s bed is parked when it’s in here. There’s also a couch that turns into a makeshift bed. I’ll be spending at least the next six nights there because I won’t leave her. Not for a second.
I dig through my large bag and find my phone. I promised Mrs. Ficht I would call her back today and let her know I was okay. As I start to press the numbers, it vibrates in my hand.
Crew:You okay?
Me:They’re putting in the port now.
Crew: I’ll come by tonight.
Me: It’s okay.
Crew: I wish I was there now. I’m fucking sick.
Me: I’ll text you when I know something. Just waiting now. Guess I better get used to it.
Crew: I’m on break so I gotta get back. If you need something, call the dock. I put the number in your bag.
Curious, I sort through my bag again and find a baggie. I hold it in the air and see a folded up piece of paper, a couple of granola bars, and a couple of twenty dollar bills.
Me: I just found it. You didn’t have to do this.
Crew: See you tonight.
I press the bag against my chest. It feels odd to have someone thinking of me, but good at the same time. I fight off the anxiety that always rises when I consider Crew walking away again. I really don’t think he’ll leave us, at least not until Ever is better. Something’s changed in Crew.
I dial Mrs. Ficht and smile when I hear her voice.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Valerie.”
“Oh, Julia. I’m so glad to hear your voice, sweetheart. How are you? How’s Everleigh?”
“I’m waiting on her to get out of surgery. They’re putting in her port now. They were wheeling her out when you called. I’m sorry I didn’t return your call sooner.”
“Don’t apologize. I understand and I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to let you know that we are having a benefit for you at the park on Sunday. If you can come, that would be great. And if you can’t, that is no problem. There were a bunch of customers here that wanted to help out.”
My bottom lip quivers at the sentiment. I deliver these people coffee and pie and they care about my daughter?
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
She laughs. “No. We were going to set up an account for people to donate at one of the banks. Would that be okay?”
“Yes,” I barely choke out.
“It’s the least we can do, Julia. If you need anything else, please call me. Promise?”
“Yes.”
I wipe the tears away but they’re quickly replaced.
“I’ve gotta go get the pies out of the oven for the dinner crowd. If you need anything, anything at all, you call me.”
“I will. And thank you.”
“Take care of yourself and that little girl. We’re all praying for her.”
JULIA
I need to relax. I know this. But it’s impossible to do that in this situation to begin with, let alone while sitting in the hospital. The staff is constantly coming in. Every time the door opens, my heart races. I fear the worst every time a nurse or a doctor comes in. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster; every time I get to the bottom and begin to breathe easy, I’m shot back to the top of the tracks again.
I flip off the television and stretch my legs on the sofa. The late afternoon sun is warm and it feels good on my skin.
Ever is fast asleep in her bed, still a little woozy from the procedure. She wakes up and then dozes back off again, which the nurse says is normal and encouraged. We want her to get as much rest as possible today before the chemo starts tomorrow.
Dr. Perkins comes in, his white lab coat open and a chart in his hand. He does a quick assessment of the room before setting his sights on me.
“How are we doing?” he asks, his voice warm.
“As good as we can be, I guess.”
He sits in the chair by the bed and does a quick once-over of Ever. Then he turns to me.
“Everything went great today,” he says assuredly. “She’s a trooper.”
I try to smile back. My chest tightens as the anticipation of what he’s about to say builds. I’ve come to learn that every time I see him, it’s going to be bad or good. It’s like getting your check at work and seeing if you’ve gotten a bonus or not.
“She told us in recovery about how she’s a fighter. That cancer was going to be scared of her because she cut her hair.”
A small grin finally touches my face. “That’s what we told her.”
“That was smart. We’re going to need to keep building her up as we go through this process.” He sets the chart down and rests his elbows on his knees. “We’ll be starting the chemo tomorrow. We’ll use the port we installed today to give her the medicine. I wish I knew what to tell you to expect, but it really depends on the
person.”
“Will she be sick?”
“Probably. We’ll just have to wait and see. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to think of this as war and we fight one battle at a time.”
He’s right, but I want that magic pill that will make this all better in one swoop.
“As far as the therapy goes that we discussed earlier . . .” His voice trails off. “I’ve personally appealed to the head of the trial and reviewed the appeal paperwork to the insurance company. I’m doing everything I can to get her in there. I want you to know that.”
I’m afraid to ask, but I must know. “What happens if we can’t? What then?”
“We have a panel of experts that have reviewed her case and we have a plan in place to treat her. The therapy is the best path, I won’t lie to you. We have a big fight on our hands, Julia. But there are lots of kids that don’t get approved and there are other options of treatment available.”
“They just aren’t as effective,” I whisper.
He nods slowly. “There are a couple of new trials taking place in New Mexico. I’m researching them, as well as putting out my feelers to my peers around the country.”
“I don’t get it. Don’t lots of kids get neuroblastoma?”
“They do. But Everleigh’s seems to be pretty aggressive so I want to fight it as hard as possible. Also, this is the medical world. New things happen daily. I won’t let a stone go unturned. I promise you that.”
I sigh and close my eyes, feeling the sun hit my face. I wish I could open them and be home with Gage and Ever in our little house in Cambridge.
Dr. Perkins’ voice cuts into my thoughts. “I don’t want you to get down. This is a team effort and we are going to need you to be strong.”
Team effort.
I smile, recalling Crew’s explanation to Everleigh.
“We need you to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and get rest. It’s imperative that you stay strong for your little girl.” He stands and straightens his jacket. “If you need anything, alert the nurses. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thank you.”
He stands and before he gets to the door, it swings open. A red-headed nurse I remember from another visit comes in.
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