CREW
The nurse sidesteps one of the many boxes containing medical supplies that seems to have taken over my house. Boxes of gauze, tubing, anti-bacterial gel, medical tape, and God knows what else are stacked all over.
She stands next to me and adjusts the straps on her duffle bag hanging off her shoulder. She hands Julia a card. “I’ve taken some blood and her vitals. I’m guessing the doctor’s office will call you in the morning once they get the results.” She smiles sympathetically. “I’m surprised they let her come home yesterday if she was this bad.”
“She wasn’t. She seemed better yesterday,” Jules said, her voice defeated. “She was sick, but today she . . .”
“She had some color to her last night,” I say, pulling Jules into my side. “She ate a little bit. She’s just gone downhill all day. You could just see her getting weaker.”
There’s nothing that will bring you to your knees faster as a man than a sick little girl. You’re supposed to be the man of the family, the protector, the one to make everything okay. Nothing will make you feel more obsolete, worthless, and impotent than watching her look at you and know there’s not a damn thing you can do.
It’s heartbreaking. It’s maddening. It’s infuriating.
“This happens,” the nurse says, turning to me. “Just let her rest tonight. Try to get her to take a drink when she wakes up. If anything happens overnight, take her to the hospital or call us on the 24-hour line and one of us will come by. Actually . . .” She rummages around in her bag and removes a pen. She takes the card from Julia and writes on it before handing it back. “That’s my cell number. I just live a couple of miles from here and can swing by any time.”
“That’s sweet of you,” Julia says, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I’m a nurse. It’s what we do. I’ll be thinking of her all night.” She heads to the door and then pulls it open. “Have a good night.”
“You, too,” I say, closing it behind her. I take Julia’s hand and lead her to the couch. I sit and pull her down beside me. She curls up, her head on my lap. I brush her hair away from her face.
“What are we gonna do?” she asks finally. She sounds exactly like she looks. Broken.
I have to fight the lump in my throat before I can speak. “We are going to take this one day at a time.”
“What happens when the days run out?”
“Don’t talk like that.”
She stares off into space. I wonder what she’s thinking about, but I don’t ask. I let her have her thoughts. I just brush her hair and try to wrangle my own demons.
“I’m really scared,” she whispers. “I’m really, really scared.”
“I know.” I bend and kiss her on the head.
“Nothing will ever be ‘normal’ again, you know? I mean, even if she—”
“When she,” I correct.
She swallows. “When she gets well, things will never be the way they were before all of this.”
She twists in my lap and faces me. She’s so beautiful, more beautiful than the girl I loved before. I’d give anything to go back and do things differently, to know then what I know now. That people are more important than things. That sometimes the boring things are the best things. That nothing, nothing, is better than having someone to share your life with.
“If another person tells me to take care of myself,” she says, “I’m going to cut someone.”
“People worry about you.”
“I wish they’d spend all of that energy worrying about me on my daughter! Who gives a shit if I’ve lost weight or had a hair cut?”
“I do,” I whisper. “You’re the one that keeps this whole thing together.”
She smiles vaguely but I lose her to an empty space again. She gazes into thin air, in another time and place. I watch her face, her long eyelashes fluttering, her dark hair catching the moonlight coming through the windows. She looks at me again, her face solemn.
“I haven’t let myself consider the worst case scenarios. But on days like today, I think I’m stupid for not. But I can’t make myself go there . . .”
“There’s no reason for you to go there.”
“How do you know that? You can’t promise me that.”
“I can promise you that Ever isn’t done fighting. I can promise you that she’s going to get the therapy and that will—”
“You don’t know that!”
“I do.” I stare into her eyes, searching for her soul. “I promise you she’ll get the treatment. Trust me.”
“I’m afraid to trust anything.” She yawns and snuggles down into my lap.
“Why don’t you get some rest? I’ll stay up and check on Ever.”
She shakes her head, her locks falling into her face. “I can’t sleep. I’m afraid if I doze off, I’ll miss something. Every time she smiles, I try to commit it to memory. Every time she laughs, I try to record it in my brain. I’ve caught myself taking notes during the day, just so I remember the things she says. I just feel like I’m living in an hourglass and the sand is slipping.”
A flurry of goose bumps ripples across my skin, a dream I had months before coming back in vivid color.
“Get your shit together, little brother. You’ve had enough time to fuck around and play games. It’s time you man the fuck up. I’m not asking you to. I’m telling you to. I’m counting on you.”
“I just go through my days,” she continues, “like a crazed robot, programmed to keep track of everything she does. I don’t remember who I am or what’s going on with you or if we’ve paid the bills . . .”
I reach under her and pull her all the way onto my lap. She lies across me like a baby.
“I feel like I’m losing it, Crew. I’m feeling my hope slip. I’m so angry . . . bitter, even. I just feel so much fear.”
I kiss her temple. “Feel me love you. Feel me here with you.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you,” she whispers, grabbing both sides of my face. “I wish things were different. I wish Ever wasn’t sick and you and I were here under different circumstances.”
“One day,” I say, feeling her thumbs brush against my cheeks. “One day Ever will be better and we’ll take her to the beach. I’ll show her how to surf. Then we’ll come home and you can make dinner while she watches baseball with me. I just hope Gage didn’t breed some Red Sox fandom in her.”
Her eyes glisten, but she doesn’t speak. She seems to have attached herself to my words, so I keep them coming.
“We’ll eat and then I’ll help you clean it up. We’ll put her to bed and I’ll read her a bedtime story. I hope we’ve moved on from princesses by then. Then we will crawl into our bed together and I’ll hold you all night long.”
“Oh, Crew . . .”
I kiss her gently on the lips. Her eyelashes flutter and her body relaxes a bit.
“We are in this together. For as long as I live, every battle you face is mine, too. And I promise you,” I say, leaning in like I’m telling her a secret, “I’m one helluva fighter.”
She giggles and it’s music to my ears.
“Let’s go to bed,” I say, starting to lift up.
She sighs and I sit back down, rolling my eyes.
“She calls me Daddy. There’s nothing wrong with us sleeping together.” We’ve been over this nearly every night that she’s been home since the night we were together. I don’t see her point; she won’t see mine.
“She calls you Daddy because you fill that role for her, not because we are married.”
“Let’s fix that then.”
“Crew . . .”
I know by the look on her face I’ve pushed her and I feel like shit, in a way. But in a way, I don’t. I’m not kidding. In my head, this was the way things were always supposed to have been. It’s as natural as anything to me.
“You girls are mine, Jules. That will never change. As far as I’m concerned, she’s my daughter. And you are mine, like it or not.”
A hint
of a smile appears on her face. She wraps her arms around my neck. “I am yours. And I love that you love her.”
“Of course I do.”
“I just want to give her time to get used to us being together before she wakes up and sees me in your bed.”
“Or sees me touch you or me kiss you . . .”
“This is hard for me, too, Crew. You don’t think I want you? You don’t think I want your hands on me, that somehow they don’t piece me back together? You think I like sneaking affection from you when she’s not looking? Because I don’t. I don’t like this at all. But I’m trying to be a good mother and not disrupt her little life more than it already has been.”
I stick out my bottom lip. She leans in and bites it gently. My hands wrap around her, slipping beneath her ass. “Let’s go,” I whisper. I grab her hand and stand up, leading her to my bedroom. I guide her in first and shut and lock the door behind me.
I close the distance between us with a couple of wide steps and am behind her before she knows it. I sweep the hair from her neck and she gasps a shaky breath.
I know exactly how she feels. Every time she touches me, every time I brush her skin with mine, it feels the same way. Like the very first time. It’s always that way with her.
Leaning close, almost touching her neck with my face, I take a deep breath, breathing in her familiar scent. It’s intoxicating and makes me so fucking hard that I almost can’t stand the wait. I want to lick her, taste her, touch her, own every single fucking piece of her so badly that it makes my head spin.
She bends her neck, giving me more access. I lay a trail of kisses from beneath her ear gently down to the collar of her shirt. As I work my way back up, I raise her shirt and tug it over her head. I see her breast bounce, braless, and my hands go to them immediately. I pull her back against me, working her nipples with my fingertips, my tongue licking the silky skin right beneath her jawline.
She lets out a clip of air, her body melting into mine. I work my hips against her, letting her feel how hard she makes me with no effort.
I plant one single kiss on her cheek and turn her to face me.
Julia grabs the bottom of my shirt and draws it over my chest, tossing it to the side. She runs her hands over my body, caressing every ridge as she works her way down to the waistband of my pants.
I can’t stand not having contact with her. I pull her into me, our bare chests against each other, and gaze into those deep brown eyes. “I love you,” I say with reverence.
She starts to reply, but I capture the words with my mouth. Our lips work together, creating sparks that light up my body. Her hands run down my back, mine entwine in her hair as I walk her backwards to the bed.
Sitting on the edge, I grab her behind her thighs and pull her towards me. I breathe her in again, not able to get enough of her. Her skin has beads of sweat dotting in and I run my tongue across her stomach, tasting the saltiness. I push her pants over her hips and she steps out of them while cradling my face to her abdomen. Her body rises and falls with her hasty breaths and it turns me on even more.
I raise my hips and slide my pants down. They hit the floor and Jules moves them off to the side. She’s on her knees in an instant, my cock in the palm of her hand. I go to stop her, my first instinct to make this all about her, but she pushes my hand away. She looks up at me through her long, thick lashes as her lips touch the head of my cock.
She strokes it up and down, her mouth licking the top like a piece of candy. Her tongue flicks out and swipes the bit of pre-cum from the tip.
I feel like I’m going to fucking explode.
She takes me into her mouth, pumping my length as she licks and sucks the top. I hiss out a breath and lean back, watching her make me feel no less than unbelievable.
She draws her tongue up the shaft, rising up enough so that her breasts brush my thighs, and I can’t handle it. I’m going to burst in her mouth and that’s not what I want.
I pull my dick back and out of her mouth. Before she can speak, my mouth is on hers. I can taste myself as her tongue licks into mine. I grab her hips and pick her up, sitting her on my lap facing me. She places one leg on either side of my hips, my cock sticking straight up against her belly. She palms it in one hand, pushing it against her body as her mouth works feverishly against mine. I can feel her wetness slide against me as she tries to work her clit against me.
I run both hands under her ass and lift her. She assists in positioning herself over my cock, but I grab her waist and hold her in place. I want to savor this and I can tell that if she has her way, I’ll be losing myself sooner than later.
Holding her by the hips, I slide her slowly down onto me. Almost possessively, I control her descent until I’m completely buried inside her. She begins to moan, but I capture it with kisses. I work her hips in a circle, feeling her body clench as it moves around on my length. She tosses her head back and I lick her nipples, feeling them harden against my tongue.
Working my hands beneath her again, I work her up and down slowly, feeling her pussy work my cock. It pulses around me, encouraging it to expel itself into her. I lick her neck, nibbling at the spot just behind her ear that’s always made her crazy. The little sounds that escape are the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.
She wraps her arms around my neck and takes control. She pumps up and down harder, faster, gyrating in small circles at the bottom to hit her clit. She groans in what must be a mixture of pleasure and pain as the head of my cock massages the back of her body.
My mouth is on her, any skin exposed is fair play. I lick, kiss, nibble everywhere, my head starting to blow. My hands are on her ass, feeling it jiggle with every movement.
It’s. Fucking. Perfect.
Her tits bounce in my face, my stubble razing across her skin. She reaches down and grabs one and brushes it against my face, letting the five o’clock shadow scratch the skin. I turn my face into it and suck the delicate skin.
I feel her body clench around me and I know she’s getting ready to let go. She’s breathing heavily, her eyes have that glossy look that comes right before she goes over the edge. A look I’ve remembered in my dreams more nights than I can count. A look that I plan on putting on her face every night for the rest of my life.
She begins to whimper and I can’t hold it back any longer. My senses are overloaded: sight, sound, smell, taste, feel . . . everything is completely over-stimulated in the very best way.
My legs begin to shake as my orgasm builds. She works harder against my cock, slamming herself down, her tits bouncing against my face. I feel her muscles clamp down on me and I watch as a wave of pleasure washes across her face. Her long hair falls back, off her face, and she continues to grind herself against me.
And I let go.
I explode into her body, filling her with my orgasm. I pull her head down to mine and kiss her while we ride high.
Finally, I lean back and pull her on top of me. I kiss her forehead as she cuddles into my chest. She looks up and we lock eyes and I know she’s thinking what I’m thinking: this is where we were both meant to be.
CREW
The bag hits the deck of the shipyard with a thud. I’ve tossed a hundred of these fuckers this morning. They’re heavy but a good workout . . . as long as my neck doesn’t scream with pain. I’ve been babying it as much as I can and it’s been sore but not agonizing. I’ve gotten a few raised eyebrows from Sal, but that’s been it.
I walk across the dock and pick up another one and toss it on the pile. I wipe a bead of sweat off my forehead with the end of my shirt. It’s hot today, the sun beating down for the first real time this year. The humidity makes everything feel strangled. As if that’s not bad enough, I have to deal with the rumors and speculation from all the fools I work with. Most of them didn’t realize what was going on until the pre-fight conference aired. Walking into work the next morning, everything had changed. I hate it. Work was the one place where my life was normal. Shitty, maybe, but normal. Unaffected by
everything else going on. The bullshit has even tainted my job now.
Everyone has a prediction. Everyone has a wager to make. Would I make it out of the first round? Would it end by decision or knockout? It’s starting to piss me off.
I pick up another bag and tossed it on the pile when I hear my name being called.
“Yeah?” I shout back, my voice barely heard over the activity of the dock.
“You got a call!”
My stomach falls. I never get calls at work. With the feeling of lead in my stomach, I head into the office. Any other time, the coolness of the air would’ve been nice, but I don’t even notice.
“I got a call,” I tell the secretary, heaving in a breath.
“Yes. You can take it over there,” she says, pointing to an empty desk next to the wall. “I’ll transfer it over.”
I walk to the phone and it lights up. I pick it up. “Hello?”
“Crew,” she breathes and my heart skips a beat. Then two.
“Jules? What’s wrong?”
“I called the ambulance to come get Ever a little while ago. We’re at—”
“What? Why?”
“She was just so pale and I couldn’t get her to wake up. The doctor’s office called while I was trying to get her to do something and they asked me to bring her in. I told them what was going on and they said to just call 911.”
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know,” she cries. I hear the panic start to take over.
“Jules. Stay calm. I’m coming there.”
“But you’re at work.”
“I’ll be there in half an hour or so.”
“I’m supposed to meet with Dr. Perkins in a little bit. So I might be there . . .” Her voice falls off and I know I’m losing her. This fucking thing is finally wearing her down.
I just need a couple more weeks . . .
“I’m on my way, love.”
CREW
Dr. Perkins sits back in his chair and places his glasses on his desk. He looks at us, waiting for us to react to what he’s had to say.
“What do you suggest we do?” Julia asks. She reaches over and grabs my hand. I squeeze it.
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