by Rachael Wade
“I shouldn’t? You’ve been badgering me for days now. I think I should be here.”
“I can’t do this. Not right now.”
“I’m not here to talk about us. I wanted to make sure you were safe, and to let you know that Carter offered for you to stay with him as long as you need. I know you have Ruben and Jeff, but the offer stands and he wanted me to tell you.”
He exhaled, shutting his eyes. “Okay, thank you.”
“Do you have any idea who could have done this?”
“Plenty of people.” He shrugged. “What does it matter? It’s gone.”
“I’d say it matters a whole hell of a lot.”
“What’s done is done. It’s time to move on, anyway.”
I angled my body to face him head on. His eyes were red and swollen, his agony so tangible it reverberated through my chest and pounded into my ribcage. His cheeks were wet with tears, and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him.
Tightening my knuckles in my pockets, I put a few more inches between us.
“So you decided against the house after all? I heard you nixed the deal.”
“Yeah, last minute I took your advice and called everything off to get the boat back. John and the Realtor weren’t very happy, but oh well. The more I thought about it, I figured it would’ve been worse, living in that house without you.”
“What will you do now?”
Another shrug. “Who the hell knows. Guess I’ll crash with Carter for a while until I figure something out. I’m done with Jeff’s bullshit, and Ruben and I can’t live together. We’d kill each other.”
“What’s Jeff’s problem, anyway?”
“He’s just pissed I was happy. And when things ended with us last week, I was miserable, and that just pissed him off more.”
“That doesn’t make much sense. Then again, Jeff has always been pretty selfish.”
“Yeah, he just wanted me to be the same guy I was before you so he’d have another jackass around to justify his dumbass decisions. I was a disappointment. He’ll get over it. He’s a shitty friend anyway.”
A somber silence stretched between us, and I knew I had to leave. Standing there any longer would only prolong the hurt, and it wasn’t the time to unleash my wrath on him for what he’d done.
“Well, you’re better off.”
“Yeah.”
“Is it true you’re not going to hang out at Pete’s anymore?”
“The place isn’t what it used to be.”
“No. It’s not.” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “So...I guess I’m gonna take off. I hope they catch whoever did this, and again...I’m really sorry this happened. Take care of yourself, okay?”
His hand shot out and gripped mine. “Wait.”
“Jackson...”
“I know my word means shit to you. But I want you to hear it directly from my mouth, not Carter’s or anyone else’s. I didn’t sleep with that girl at Pete’s. Or anyone else since you. I know I’m a broken record, so believe what you want, but it’s the truth.”
“I know what I saw.” My hand clammed up in his, but I let him hold it anyway. I almost asked whether he intended to swear on his mom’s grave again to convince me, but scolded myself and bit my tongue. That was just the hurt talking.
“I had every intention to take her up on her offer, I don’t deny it. I was lonely and my body was starving for you. Just a few nights without you and I was a dysfunctional wreck, Emma. All I saw was your face, your body, your smile...I was having these horrible dreams. When you ran into us in that hallway, I felt...relieved I didn’t go through with it. There’s no excuse whatsoever for the things I said and did that night. All I can say is, the only thing that drove me to do what I did was complete fucking torment over losing you.”
I yanked my hand away and suddenly found myself spitting Whitney’s words at him. This was beyond frustrating. “For the last damn time, you broke up with me. How many more times do we need to go over this?”
“Does that change the fact that I’m suffering over this shit, Emma?” He spun to face me. “Does that make my pain any less valid than yours? I broke up with you, for you! For fuck’s sake, what else do I have to do to make you see that? I’m sorry I won’t do long-distance with you, but it’s just not an option for me.”
“A relationship is just that, Jackson. A relationship. You don’t get to make those kinds of choices alone. It’s completely asinine!”
He leaned into me, eyes scorching. “I chose this so you could have it all. Staying with me, you’d be giving up everything. You did that once before with Chris, and look where that got you.”
“Oh, bullshit, Jackson. Don’t even compare what we have to what I had with Chris. Besides school, what would I be giving up if I stayed here to be with you, exactly? If I chose to go to school here instead, that’d be my choice, and I’d have to live with it. That decision wouldn’t fall on you. And how do you know you can’t handle long distance if you won’t even try it? You don’t get to break my heart, break yours, then run around like a child, humiliating me and blasting any chances we had into oblivion because you think you know best. Since when can you read the future, huh? Did you ever even consider that you might actually like Seattle? You were ready to move in with me, why not move there with me? Oh, that’s right,” I scratched my chin, “because you didn’t even give me the common courtesy to discuss it with me. It wasn’t even a possibility. You just dumped me cold turkey.”
“Think about it. What would you have done, huh? What if you were the one to pick me up from the side of the road that night? What if it was my mom instead of Jen?” He pointed to Sara’s tombstone to drive his point home. “Look at me right now and tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing for me. If you saw me give up my dream once before for some girl, then watched me consider walking away from it for a second time just so I could stay with you, would you honestly do anything other than refuse and tell me to run like hell in the other direction?”
Stumbling back, my mouth fell open in shock. Didn’t he see? Didn’t he understand? “Jackson,” my voice cracked, the words bitter on my tongue, “you did walk away from your dreams. And I did encourage you to reach for them. I chose school? Well, you made a choice, too. You chose to stay on this island and die here with your parents. But you know what? Even after hearing you had no intention of leaving this place, I didn’t run from you. That tells me one thing. I want this more than you do.”
“That’s not fair, and you know it.”
“It’s the truth. You’re afraid.”
“There’s a key difference between me and you, Emma. You can do great things with your life. I’m destined for this,” he gestured between us, laughing in exasperation, “and nothing else. I’m a worthless, sorry excuse for a man, which you’ve figured out by now. The very best apology I can offer for the way I treated you at Pete’s is to leave you the hell alone and never see you again.”
I blinked back the pools of tears that had gathered along the corners of my eyelids. There is nothing more exhausting than loving a man at the same time he infuriates you. “This is a dead end, Jackson. I’ll never be able to convince you to fight for us until you start seeing yourself differently.”
“I hope you can forgive me someday, Emma. I really do. I’m begging you, forgive me for all of it.”
Hesitantly, I inched forward to wrap myself in his arms, all of my anger mellowing with the realization that this was the end. “I’ll forgive you when I’m ready.” I squeezed him tighter. “Goodbye, Jackson.”
He squeezed me back, then abruptly pulled away to bring my mouth to his. I flinched as his lips brushed mine, tasting them slowly, testing them for some sort of response. I melted into him and he kissed me deeper, each slide of his tongue fueled with desperation. I tasted every memory, each one forbidding me to forget all we’d shared over the years. Jackson had become my friend, confidant, and lover, and never had I lived or loved more fully than I did with hi
m. The truth was, he owned me long before we’d decided to be together, and now, he’d own me long after I walked away.
He moved to whisper against my ear. “Goodbye, Pumpkin.”
We released each other and I felt a part of me shrivel and float away in that moment, just as a part of me remained with Jen the night she’d slipped away. I spun around and walked briskly to my car, promising myself that from this day on, I’d move out West and live just as I would if Jackson had chosen to stay with me—with enough vigor, passion, and faith to propel me toward a better future.
It would make Jen proud, and for the very first time in over a year, I felt I was worthy of deserving something.
Chapter 12
As promised, I’d returned to work for my afternoon shift after leaving Jackson at the cemetery, less anxious once I knew he was safe, but no less heartbroken. Ms.Velma was oddly docile compared to what I expected after missing her late morning check-in. Something told me that was due to my peace offering: a hussy red nail painting session. I painted, while she told me all about her long lost friend Agatha, and the scandalous shenanigans they used to get themselves into in the 1940s.
That night, I drove home from school in a haze, praying to God I didn’t blow my final math exam. Classes were over, but exam week was no less stressful. After the day I had, I’d be lucky to snag a passing grade. Each time I attempted to solve an equation, my mind would drift to Jackson and our late night tutoring sessions on his boat. They’d usually morph into lovemaking—often rough, sometimes clumsy, always intense. Then we’d roast marshmallows out on the dock, under the stars, and he’d challenge me to eat any food he whipped up in that shoebox he called a kitchen. Each concoction was grosser than the first, and he’d only reward me if I took more than two bites, which, of course, was Jackson’s favorite part. He’d always come up with some sexy, inventive way to reward me for my bravery.
When I arrived home, I tossed down my bag and headed straight for the shower, pausing only to check my voice mail messages. There were six from Whitney, two from Ruben, one from Carter, and one from my mom, telling me she’d seen the news about Jackson’s boat on the 6 o’clock news.
Stripping out of my clothes and into a robe, I called Whitney to fill her in on the rest of the afternoon. She relayed the news that Jackson had agreed to crash with Carter for a few days, and I was relieved to hear it. He’d shown up on Carter’s doorstep not long after we went our separate ways at the cemetery. There was still no word on who started the fire, but the police report had been filed, and now it was a matter of investigation. Apparently, Jackson didn’t have a valid insurance policy for the boat, so he was officially homeless, without a dime to make up for the loss. I vaguely wondered if he’d go back to working at the club, figuring that’d be his first resort to make some cash, but quickly shook that thought away.
It wasn’t my business anymore.
Over the next few weeks, I’d trudged through work and three different Christmas parties—one thrown by my employer, one by the hotel Whitney worked at, and one by Carter’s boss. He hosted it on the dock, outside the maintenance shop. The decor consisted of Santa-hat-clad pink flamingos and cocktails served in coconut shells. Jackson had fallen off the map entirely, and as much as it depressed me, I was thankful for his absence. Because we shared some of the same friends, hangouts, and shopping centers, it was a relief to not worry about bumping into him at every turn. Not that I had to worry about that with Pete’s. From what I’d heard, Jackson hadn’t been hanging there at all, just as he’d vowed, and even Jeff and Ruben had been making themselves scarce. Still, Whitney and I stayed away from Pete’s, too, opting to spend our Friday night’s at Will’s Crab Shack on the north end of the island instead.
By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, I was more than ready to welcome the new year and all the hope it promised. Just one more semester, with only two more classes to complete, and I’d graduate with my associate’s degree. Then it’d be time to leave for Seattle. I’d spent New Year’s Eve day with my mom fleshing out the final plans for the move, knowing May would be here before I knew it. I wanted to be as prepared as possible before my last semester of school started. We’d decided to put most of my things in storage so I could start fresh the moment I got to Seattle, and we aligned my move date with the Friday before Carter’s friends’ wedding to kill two birds with one stone. We’d arranged it so I’d fly out with Whitney and Carter that day, go to the wedding the next morning, and then spend the rest of the week getting settled in my new apartment. Since Carter knew the area, he was more than happy to offer to show me around and help me find some cheap furniture.
Now it was time to ring in the New Year and bid farewell to the whirlwind of a year I’d had.
“Did you hear?” Whitney asked, rushing up to me with a sparkly New Year’s party hat when I arrived at Carter’s apartment. His place was actually a tiny flat nestled above the boat maintenance shop he worked at, under lease to him by his boss. People were clustered together on the little terrace near the windows, smoking cigarettes and laughing, their breath and trails of smoke visible in the chilly night air. Strings of lights decorated the terrace railing, and Kurt Cobain’s voice filled the small space.
“Hear what?” I asked, slipping out of my sweater. I spotted Carter handing his friends some beer near the miniature fridge in the corner, and I smiled and waved to thank him for inviting me.
“About Jackson’s boat,” Whitney said, pulling my gaze back to hers. She was decked out in a tight, red little number, her jet-black hair loose and wild, for once free from its usual messy bun. Her make-up was immaculate, green irises bright, and taking in her glowing complexion, I couldn’t help but be happy for my friend. So much of that glow was thanks to Carter.
“No, what are you talking about?”
“They found out who started the fire.”
“They did?” I gasped and reached out to touch her shoulder. “Well, who was it? Is Jackson going to press charges?” I bit back a groan of frustration at the fact that since the break-up, any news about Jackson was delivered to me through Whitney or Carter. I knew it was for the better, but every now and then, when they’d fill me in on a movie they’d seen together or the latest job he was considering, I couldn’t help but feel my heart jump-starting in my chest, springing to life at any mention of him.
“It just made the evening news. It was someone from the club he worked at. I guess he owed them money ages ago and they had it out for him.”
“Oh my God...”
“Yeah, how ballsy of them to do that in broad daylight, first thing in the morning, right?”
“I can’t believe it. I mean, I guess I can...but yeah, that’s bold. How is Jackson, is he okay? Did they announce the person’s name?” Memories of Natasha’s visit rang clear in my mind, instantly causing me to wonder whether she was responsible for this.
“Apparently the dumbass thought it’d look more like an accident if he set it on fire during the day. Less suspicious or something. Not sure where the logic is in that, but whatever. Can’t remember his name. All I heard was it was some dude that worked at the club, and he wasn’t the only one with a grudge against Jackson. The police are saying the guy has been arrested on charges of arson, and they think he had several accomplices, or something like that. I haven’t seen Jackson since the news hit. Come to think of it...” she turned and scanned the room, eyes searching for him, “I haven’t seen any sign of him tonight.”
“Looking for Jack?” Carter appeared by her side, adjusting his glasses and slipping an inked arm around her waist.
“Yeah, is he not hanging here tonight?”
Carter looked to me, then back to Whitney, raising a hand to run his thumb across his lip, grazing over the small pewter ring that pierced it at the corner, a nervous tic I’d learned he’d possessed. “I’m not sure,” he said. “He took off a while ago for the police station and didn’t say when he’d be back.”
“Maybe he has other New Year�
�s plans,” I said, attempting a nonchalant shrug. I didn’t want to think about what those plans might be. At the same time, it would take some of the edge off to know I might not have to see him tonight. I’d stressed out over the possibility all day at work, no matter how many times Whitney had texted me trying to assure me that she’d keep me far away from him if he was at the party. I’d entertained the idea of not going to the party all together, but this was where I’d belonged. My best friends were here, and it was my last New Year’s in Florida. I wasn’t giving it up.
“He didn’t mention any,” Carter said, glancing at his watch. “But he had some stuff to take care of tonight. I take it Whitney told you the news?”
“Yeah, she did. I feel terrible for him, but I’m glad they at least caught the bastard. If there is more than one person responsible, I hope they catch everyone involved.”
“Me too. The whole thing is a damn shame. But Jack’s getting back on his feet, slowly but surely. He’ll be okay, Em.” He gave me a wry grin, pulling Whitney closer to his side. They exchanged glances. “Can I get you anything to eat or drink?”
“Sure,” I said, smiling back.
“Here, come with me and you can take your pick. We just threw some burgers on the grill, but I have other stuff, too.”
Whitney kissed Carter on the cheek and slipped away to mingle, and he led me to the small kitchen area. I snatched up some potato salad and a soda, and he excused himself to slip out to the terrace to flip the burgers. Gulping down my drink and finishing off my potato salad, I tossed my plate and made my way to the bathroom. Opening the door, I went to reach for the light but found it already turned on, and was startled when I saw Jackson hunched over in the corner, sitting there on his cell phone. He looked up and his jaw dropped, eyes freezing on mine. I didn’t move.
“Ah, hey, let me call you tomorrow before I leave, okay? We can square away any loose ends then. Yeah,” he paused, holding up a finger to cue me to wait, “I’m looking forward to it. This is just what I need, man. I can’t thank you enough for giving me a chance. Happy New Year.” He quickly hung up and snapped to his feet. “Wow,” he breathed, eyeing me from head to toe, lingering on my ivory, vintage lace dress and its dipping neckline. “You look...how you been, Em?”